to think indifference is fine

[hippityhip]

Toward stepchildren?

Would you say providing someone is kind that's all that is needed?

Was having this conversation with a friend and we disagreed on what's 'okay' and what isn't.

I have stepchildren and to be totally honest I feel completely indifferent toward them. I've been in their lives since they were around 5 and 7 and they are now in their teens.

I have never loved them but nor do I dislike them. I don't miss them when they aren't here, I rarely think about them tbh. They are just part of life with DH. I've never discouraged their relationship or made things difficult. I'm always kind when they are around but that's just the extent of my feeling toward them. I want them to have a good life and be happy but at the same time I'd not be bothered at all if I never saw them again for example if me and DH separated.

My friend thinks anyone who feels this way should leave a relationship but she's very much 'love them like you're own'. She doesn't have step children but her children are stepchildren so she's seeing it from that side of things.

Imo providing you're not horrible, why does it matter? My stepchildren seem happy and we get on well when we are together so why does it matter?

On what basis is this abnormal?

Of course it’s a problem

Usually indicative of deeper issues as well

Lol, and that’s indicative of wishful thinking on your part, rather than a statement of fact.

LydiaBennet I find that such a rigid way of thinking. Deep love or indifference? Nothing in between?

A person can’t form a bond with a child unless they’re the type of person who “simpers over every child they meet”? What nonsense.

Theres a huge difference between how you might feel about your friend’s children and the relationship op has with her stepchildren. I’m not sure that’s comparable.

Indifference or feeling neutral as you say, means feeling no emotion, not caring or feeling anything.

It’s not wishful thinking

Not being able to bond with many people is one of the biggest signs of emotional detachment, which is something people are advised to seek help for. It’s also linked closely to many psychological and mental health issues

You can’t possibly know the depth of every person’s emotions that you meet to declare yourself the arbiter of what’s normal or not. It’s not adversely affecting my life so it’s not something I feel inclined to do anything about

I’m going off what you have described

unless you’re saying you don’t know the depth of your own emotions?

Sure, and alternatively emotional ties can be characteristic of delusional thinking, and emotional instabilities as found in the DSM V. See? We can all make statements that are in part true, but poorly reflect actual reality for the vast majority of people.

It takes a lot more than merely that to categorize someone as disordered, as any halfway decent psychiatrist would tell you, or indeed any halfway decent layman with an interest. By definition, a disorder is an impairment that prevents someone from being able to go through life without significant difficulty or distress. What the PP described does not suggest disorder. By making sweeping statements in response to the original comment, you’re essentially attempting to dissect a human mind with a blunt tool in an attempt to pathologize those with the audacity to differ from you.

you just don’t like the fact that people feel that way. You can just simply own that, rather than trying to legitimize your opinion as some sort of medical assessment.

She’s not responsible for their emotional development. They have two loving parents for that.

This has gone rather off tangent.
For what it’s worth TedMullins sounds like a person that does feel a connection with a wider circle of friends and acquaintances; happy to help a friend in a crisis, interested in others lives, enjoying chatting and so on. A decent empathetic person.

just because you don’t have “deep feelings” and don’t pine for someone does not mean you’re indifferent to them!

Shes not responsible for their emotional development

I didn’t say she was. I said treating a child with indifference can damage emotional development.

Being 'ND' is not the same as being a psychopath, thanks.

I am ND. I still love my stepdaughter.

I disagree It seems they’ve got one at best, the other one isn’t in tune with his own wife enough to have noticed indifference within his own household he could do with working on his own emotional development before he will be capable of being responsible for anybody else’s.

I would hate to have to live in my home with someone who was indifferent to me.

Surely the whole point of meeting someone to love and then having children with them is because living with someone who is indifferent to you sounds bloody awful. We want to opposite of that surely?!

I wouldn't do that to children. I think if you can't at least be fond of someone's children you have no business bringing yourself into their lives.

It's really sad actually

I will never be a stepmother because this is precisely how I would be. Indifferent.

unless of course there was an emergency and a choice between saving my child or a stepchild? Then I would step over my step child to teach my own child first.

how old are they op? I suspect as your step children teach teenage years, you may find that you aren’t indifferent anymore. Pissed off I suspect

I’m going to hazard a guess that the OP’s marriage isn’t exactly a bundle of joy

If I was in OP's position, I would think that having the feelings I had as a teacher to the lovely children I taught would be fine. You can't 'switch on' love - it either happens or it doesn't. So, kindness, warmth, interest, respect etc. But not love necessarily.

But if they weren't nice children (as we often hear on MN), then I'd have no worries at all about just treating them kindly but with emotional detachment.

I'm afraid I'm not a very sentimental person!

Surely you can’t help how you feel? You can’t make yourself feel something it’s either there or it isn’t?

Part of being an adult and having emotional maturity is the ability to not act solely on feelings.

Op explains she goes to some lengths to mask her indifference; she ensures the SC feel welcomed and happy, provides care, looks after their well being, shows interest in their lives.
Why? Because it’s not fine to treat a stepchild with indifference.

Just as a teacher (ideally) would show interest in what a pupil has to say, engage with them and care about their progress, regardless of personal feelings.

it’s not about love, a relationship between any two people isn’t “love” or completely devoid of emotion.

Which is what I said. OP is a kind and caring SP but she can’t make herself feel love for these children. She’s not saying she treats them with indifference she said she feels it. Two very different things.

Razzle5 · Today 07:34
I’m going to hazard a guess that the OP’s marriage isn’t exactly a bundle of joy

That's unfair, gossipy, mean and off-topic. No evidence at all - and that's not the point of the OP's post.

i could well imagine loving my partner but not their family members, and trying my best to build good relationships with them while 'not feeling it'. Perfectly OK.

The reason I say is it would be utterly incomprehensible to me to marry someone “indifferent” to my children.

No one with children would want to marry me. I would make it clear that I was indifferent to their children, no doubt preferred my home when they weren’t around and just my children and that in a fire… I would step over their child to reach my own.

i could well imagine loving my partner but not their family members,

You aunt that you see 3x a year? Hell no.

But sharing a home with someone who has children and their children are around very frequently and regard my home and their home too - bit different.

hence why as I say - I will never ever blend family. For my sake, for my childrens sake and for any hypothetical SC

Difficult as this opinion may be to swallow, it’s different for men.

and further evidence if you ask me that they do not truly feel the same level of attachment as Mother’s do.

I find that really strange to be honest..I care more than that for all my friends children who I'm sure I see less than you see your stepchildren so find your feeling of indifference really quite cold and odd.