to think indifference is fine

[hippityhip]

Toward stepchildren?

Would you say providing someone is kind that's all that is needed?

Was having this conversation with a friend and we disagreed on what's 'okay' and what isn't.

I have stepchildren and to be totally honest I feel completely indifferent toward them. I've been in their lives since they were around 5 and 7 and they are now in their teens.

I have never loved them but nor do I dislike them. I don't miss them when they aren't here, I rarely think about them tbh. They are just part of life with DH. I've never discouraged their relationship or made things difficult. I'm always kind when they are around but that's just the extent of my feeling toward them. I want them to have a good life and be happy but at the same time I'd not be bothered at all if I never saw them again for example if me and DH separated.

My friend thinks anyone who feels this way should leave a relationship but she's very much 'love them like you're own'. She doesn't have step children but her children are stepchildren so she's seeing it from that side of things.

Imo providing you're not horrible, why does it matter? My stepchildren seem happy and we get on well when we are together so why does it matter?

I may get lynched for this but I know I could never love or even care about anyone else's children. I don't like children, except my own. I don't often admit that out loud as I don't think it's a socially acceptable statement.
Potentially if my younger sibling had children I'd care about my nieces and nephews but that hasn't happened yet so I don't know.
BUT I am aware of my own thoughts and feelings so I'd never get involved with a man with children, as it wouldn't be fair on the man or the kids.
I think YABU for getting married to a man who's children you don't care about.

And that’s fair enough, no one is saying you have to accept a relationship with someone that is indifferent to your child.

however, some parents are fine with their partner not loving their child, as long as they treat them kindly.

Not fine at all.
You started a relationship with someone who has children & those children are now your children.
If you care so little for them please leave the relationship, they all deserve better!!!
They will feel & know about your indifference because your face, voice & actions will betray your feelings.

those children are now your children.

I don't think my SCs would be very happy if I started telling them they were my children! You can't just walk into children's lives and declare that the children are now yours, that's insanely over bearing! Not to mention that their mother would probably be really uncomfortable with this.

those children are now your children.

No they're not.

OP if my DC were to ever have a stepmother I'd like her to have a similar attitude to you towards the children.

They have a Mother and a Father.

If I was in a relationship with someone who had DC I'd be the same.

All the 4 parent crap is unnecessary.

They’re not her children though. However much you may want that to be true, it isn’t.

why would she leave her husband she presumably loves, who loves her? She married him because of her love for him, not his children. As long as she isn’t unkind to him where’s the issue? He knew he was marrying a woman that wasn’t the mother to his children, and if it was vital to him that she loved them as her own, he would have bothered to ascertain that she did before marrying her.

it’s also a big assumption that children would want to be loved by a stepparent. Whilst I’m sure some would, there will be plenty that would find someone acting as a second mother to them to be frankly fucking weird and unwelcome. A blended family is not the same as a nuclear family, and shouldn’t be expected to operate as one.

It absolutely is unnecessary. And yet parents keep bringing additional adults into their children's homes.

OK so imagine for a minute your husband decides to move his best mate into your house. You don't get a say, and you can't choose to move out. The mate is very civil, very kind to you, when you're around. Obviously they're not a second husband, so it's all fine right?

How would that scenario be improved by the mate loving me? 🥴

My issue would be the moving someone in; whether I liked it or not would not be dependent on whether they treated me kindly, or professed to love me.

It absolutely is unnecessary. And yet parents keep bringing additional adults into their children's homes.

Finally someone parents accountable for the happiness of their own children rather than blaming step parents for not magically being able to fix issues caused by a split that happened before they even met their partner!

It may not improve it agreed that indifference would make it a little bit worse.

This made me cry because I realised this is how my step dad feels towards me. I never understood why he was so pleasant but distant, why he so clearly didn't love me. But I guess it really is that simple, he just doesn't love me. Be careful because you could really fuck it these kids perception of how a parent should be.

@thisisit77 do you love him?

@thisisit77 a thread made you actually cry?

Sorry to be harsh but anyone who isn’t your parent doesn’t owe you love. Can I ask why you think you need him to love you?

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet have you had an empathy bypass?

Presumably not been raised by a step parent.

@thisisit77 I'm sorry this has affected you

Clearly you haven't been the child in this situation.

I don't have a dad. This man married my mother and lives in my house and provided for me and did everything else a father would do, what else is a child supposed to think?

I strongly disagree. Give me indifference any day, I’d be creeped the fuck out if he loved me.

No because I don't know him well enough despite having lived with him 12 years, I'd have loved to have that relationship with him though.

I had several step parents who all treated me well. Pretty sure none of them loved me though and I can’t say it’s something I’ve ever sought or even thought they needed to do

Well, some children do need and look for love from a step parent, which really shouldn't be a surprise.

You sound truly horrible, sorry but this is awful, poor kids!

But there’s no obligation for that love to be given when wanted. You can’t feel what you can’t feel. If children have certain expectations it’s up to their parents to manage those expectations.

I know I’m in the minority but I don’t subscribe to the notion kids should get everything they wanna have.

Woooooshh!

The point flew right past you, didn't it?

What is your point then? That all SC MUST be loved by some random who shacks you with their parents and has no other link to them?