To think this was a hurtful way for DH to kill my career change dream?

[NaTTate]

I've been holding the dream of retraining for a career change for the last 16 months, whilst working in a full time job that I took just to pay the bills. DH had seemed supportive of the retraining idea. He has no interest in the particular field himself, so he took a minimal level of interest in what I was doing or talking about with my research and plans, but he had seemed verbally supportive of them.

But then yesterday, after I'd suddenly and unexpectedly been offered a fully funded training place on the course I wanted and would need to hand my notice in at work this week in order to accept the place, he turned around and said "I don't think you should do it. I think you'd be really bad at it."

I'm so thrown and devastated by his comment that I don't know what to think or do. It's utterly crushed my confidence. Is it unreasonable for me to feel that this is not the way a partner who loves you should raise any concerns they might have about whether you are making the wrong choice? It was so brutal and said coldly and he then shut down all my attempts to discuss it together and has seemed distant and angry ever since.

Back story for context (sorry, it's long):

A couple of years ago I was heavily researching career ideas and especially careers suitable for retraining in at a later point in life (I'm late forties). I was feeling pretty desperate, having got myself into a niche London-based career that I couldn't carry on with once we had relocated for DH's work, which contributed to me deciding to be a SAHM for a few years - and then led to me feeling increasingly irrelevant and out of touch. A specific area of tech came up as something I felt interested in and I found a training course (bootcamp type course) that looked to be well run, well respected, had mentoring and support for students and had good results at helping them find jobs afterwards. To apply you had to complete an intensive set of training labs, to show that you had the ability and commitment. I worked really hard at it over several weeks, I found some of it difficult, but from the online discussion forum I could see that others were too. I completed it and passed. I received an offer of a place, but at the same time my desperate job search (which had been unsuccessful over a long period of time) suddenly threw up a job offer. A graduate entry level job, on less than I'd been earning a decade ago, but a starting point. It was in a field I'd considered but wasn't in the area of tech I'd been pushing towards. The tech course was going to cost £9k, income share agreements were available, but we were struggling financially and not able to meet outgoings so I took the job offer and arranged with the training provider to defer my place (they take on several cohorts a year) - thinking that I could give the new job a good shot, decide whether it had potential for a long term career with progression, and keep the other idea on the back burner.

I'm managing the new job but I'm not excelling in it, I don't think the role is overall a very good match for my skill set or the way my brain works and I don't think the field has good enough prospects long term. There are aspects that are good about the job - nice company culture and my practical day to day working life works well for us (job is remote). However, I'm already feeling a bit stuck, I'm finding the low pay without an obvious path to progress frustrating and confidence-denting. I'm going to be 50 next month and I'll be on £25k, it's not what I hoped and I'm scared I'm going to have a poverty-stricken old age. The idea that I might do the tech training course at some point in the next 12-24 months and move into that field instead has been keeping me going at times. I've been continuing to read books and do practice labs in that field, but not nearly as often as I'd intended, as my the workload of my job is high and I've been finding going back to full time work with a family taking almost every bit of spare time and energy I have.

Last week the tech training provider contacted me out of the blue to say they had some 100% funded places available, but there is only one cohort they can use them on (government funding with a deadline) and a place is mine if I want it. If I want to take the place I will have to had my notice in at work on Monday to be able to work my notice period and be free in time to start. Which feels daunting and sudden - hence me wanting to discuss it with DH. It will have big economic impacts on the family in the short term - it's a full time course so I wouldn't be earning for 4 months (plus however long it took to secure a job afterwards). So it's a big decision and will affect the whole family, DH is not in a high earning field, so it would be tight and a struggle. We would have to borrow to meet our living costs. The career field is in high demand and well paid so hopefully the earning potential in the future will be far better than anything I've ever had before, but it's obviously always a risk to quit a job in this way and it doesn't feel like I can just go off and hand in my notice and do it anyway without DH's support.

I've been reflecting on what he said and realised that I would never say that to someone who was talking about their plans and goals - not to him, not to a friend. I might bring up possible issues, skill sets versus areas that the person might struggle with. But I would never be broadly supportive for months and then suddenly come straight out and say "I think you'd be really bad at this" and then refuse to engage any further. I don't feel like a person who actually cares would say this to someone. That's what I'm particularly gutted about. It feels brutal and not loving and not a mature way for two adults to make any decision. I'm interested to know what anyone else thinks about this - would you be gutted if your partner said this to you in this way? Or would you welcome brutal honesty?

I've just spent 16 months doing online coursework and study aids, watching youtube videos and reading books on the subject and he knows this. So why would he say it now, after all this time, when I'm potentially right on the verge of starting? The time to bring up a serious concern was before now, it makes me think he didn't ever really think I would do it. He did mention a concern about whether it was a good fit for me once a few months ago, but from his comments I realised he thought that I would be basically doing IT support, which is not at all what the career path is, and I could wholeheartedly see why I'd be rubbish at that; so I briefly went over what the subject actually was and what the potential career paths would be, suggested he look at some of the training labs I'd been doing and I could show him more detail about career roles etc. He wasn't interested in doing that or learning more about the field, so he didn't, which is fine, but I thought he at least had a bit more understanding of the field and seemed broadly supportive again.

When I received this offer of a funded place, I wasn't 100% sure myself what I should do, there are so many factors to consider - possibly I should stay a bit longer in this job, commit more fully and see where it goes, or else save up more money and accept paying the full amount to do the tech course at a time that feels less sudden and is more planned for us as a family. Or perhaps I should
grab this chance while it's here? I really wanted us to be able to discuss all this together. And I feel like by just saying "I think you'd be really bad at it" he has just effectively shut down all discussion and wrecked my confidence and enthusiasm. Maybe I would be shit at it. It's really hard to tell from the outside (of anything) what the reality would be like. But I've spent hours and hours over several years looking into what I might be able to do and I haven't come up with much else - that I feel I'd be good at, or would want to do, or have time or money to retrain in at this stage in life, or that would be a career that would fit around DH's long and irregular working hours, that will see me to retirement age and beyond. And he hasn't come up with realistic alternative suggestions either. Or indeed shown any interest in finding out what this idea actually entails. My confidence was pretty wrecked at this point in life anyway. I felt this was my best shot.

AIBU to feel that this is a hurtful way for DH to have responded to me?

Whether intentionally or not, it feels like his comment has really shut the possibility of me doing it down, either just at the moment, or possibly long term.

That's a shame. I don't think you should let it stop you. Despite several other posters on this thread claiming I am unwise and being unhelpful, I still maintain you should the course.

One comment that isn't backed up with solid reason isn't enough to shut down the opportunity though OP. You need to sit him down and firmly tell him that you have supported his retraining, and it is now his turn to do the same for you to improve all your futures or possibly just your and DCs futures, because your update makes him sound worse not better with the clothes comments
It does sound like he's very insecure - is he worried your style make over is likely to attract male attention?

I'd ask why he thinks you would be bad at it. Also, a bit harsh for my liking!

If the shortfall is only small, could this be covered with a PT job in the eves or wkends? Yes, it would be a crap few months and you would be like ships in the night, but it's only 4 months.
Alternatively, would family loan you the money for the shortfall for those few months? (I appreciate not everyone has this option or would feel able to bring it up) I know my DM would have felt very strongly I should do the course under your circs and would likely offer this unasked when I inevitably discussed the dilemma with her and sought her counsel. I would equally do the same for my DCs if I was able.

Exactly. It's your life. Don't let him derail this.

Is there any family you can borrow from to cover your share of expenses?

Also, why can't he step up and earn more. Does he want to be permanently hand to mouth with no savings?? Where's his ambition and effort?

it feels like his comment has really shut the possibility of me doing it down

Only if you let it!

Your self confidence must already have been on the floor if you're really going to allow his comment to result in you not bothering to take this opportunity.

Have you also considered that it gives you an out. He makes a nasty comment which means you "can't do it" no matter how much you want to.

So because of "reasons" outwith your control, your life can just pootle along as it has done with no risks or changes.

Oops!

So you wouldn’t need to borrow that much to get through the four months. I think it sounds very doable practically.

The bigger issue is your husband and how to resolve things with him.

Just to add that course providers offering training through government schemes have to prove their course quality and outcomes for learners to get the funding. If the course is the provider I suspect it might be, I really wouldn’t hesitate.

I do think my self confidence is on the floor to be honest. I completely underestimated how much the career break would affect my self esteem and sense of employability. On a practical level I've got left behind in so much during my time "out", I underestimated how that would feel and how difficult it would be to break back into any meaningful work. Yes, I can really see what you're saying about how it gives me an 'out' - an excuse not to do it. I know I've been guilty of not being bold or brave enough with work in the past and it would be very much like me to let this be the reason to stop. Thanks for your words!

Please do the course, OP!

It's only 4 months, you can manage for that long.

I know what it's like to be out of things for a while, and how scary it is starting again in something different. But you've put all this effort in, and you're being offered a free place on a course which has the potential to change your life.

Take it!

It is a fear - doing the course and then not enjoying it once I am working in the field. I did really enjoy doing the training labs when I first applied for the course - but that was over a year ago now and I'm struggling to hold on to that sense of achievement and enjoyment I had.
I like problem solving and spotting small detail so much of it really appealed to me. But how much of that was the challenge and excitement of completing the practice labs and how transferable that would be into a real life career in the field is hard to say.
For my undergraduate degree I studied a subject that I was passionate about and it led into a field with, frankly, not great prospects. I don't love my current job, it's partly because I feel lacking in prospects here but also that I'm having to force myself into work I don't find fits naturally to my skills. But I could have that feeling in the new role too. And I don't know how much is the knock to my confidence of being out of work for a long time - I don't know, I might have that feeling in anything I tried right now.
At this stage in my life I want to achieve and do well, but I'm not requiring it to be the big passion. I want to provide for the future and not carry on being scared about money. I don't want to be bored, of course. But I'm not needing it to be the best thing I could ever dream of. I'm more practical than that at my age now! I just don't want to find out I'm rubbish at it once I've invested in it. I can't decide if I think DH was just being an arse, or if he can see me more clearly than I can.

Do it. If I understood your original post, you were in a good job with decent prospects, but relocated due to DH?

Your current job is not what you hoped it might be and has limited progression. You have 17 years left until State Pension Age. What do you see yourself doing until you retire? Dead end job, hopping job every few years or doing something you really want to do?

I would also suggest you examine your relationship with DH. It seems that he is only thinking about what is best for him, both short and long term.

To the people who've sounded the, very wise and sensible, note of caution about all the dodgy tech training providers out there - thank you for saying it, I appreciate your concern. I have done a lot of research into this organisation and am sure they are genuine. I don't want to say who they are (or even what specific field) because I don't think they are generally announcing the funded places - it sounds like they are just approaching people who've already applied and passed the intro labs. But they have won a number of awards and seem well-respected and to have good outcomes. Btw, as has been mentioned a couple of times - it's not that they are especially asking me for having done particularly well or anything, more that they are just asking all the current people who've applied and passed the intro level.

Don't worry about it, @NaTTate , I assure you bootcamps sound 'too good to be true' to those outside of it all. Most of them have relationships already built up with local companies - you'll have career support included and if it's anything like mine, they'll sort out the interviews for you as well. At the very least you'll get portfolio and CV advice.

There were some dodgy "become a digital marketer" courses around a few years ago which didn't do well, but if yours is software development, HTML/CSS/Javascript/React/Node and so on, you'll do just fine.

If your DH isn't usually an a**hole, I wonder is it worth messaging, rather than talking to him to understand what he means. Tell him you're hurt by what he says, but want to understand why he has said it .

Yes, this is a good summary of the situation. No parents to help any more, but thanks for the suggestion of Citizens Advice.

Ask to take an unpaid leave of absence from your current employer for 6 months. Gives you time to complete the course and source employment with a fall back.

You could always get an evening or weekend job now in the run up to Xmas.

DH sounds like an insecure person and that he's gradually getting more nasty and controlling of you.
If this course for 4 months could lead to a career with earning potential you'd be mad not to.
Your marriage could end any time, would this allow you to support yourself and not rely on your DH.
I suspect that is why he doesn't like it.
Independence for you doesn't suit him.
You've supported him several times, its his turn.

DO THE COURSE.

His own self esteem is quite fragile, which somehow makes it worse that he doesn’t recognise what he’s doing.

Admittedly I'm a cynical old bitch with an abusive ex husband but I wouldn't be too sure he doesn't know what he's doing.

It would be totally understandable to not be keen because it's a big financial and practical change but to place lipservice to your plans for so long then shoot them down in flames after you've already invested so much time and effort is just cruel.

You say the course cost is usually £9k and presumably that would be full time so you'd still have the issue of living costs?

Therefore by taking this opportunity (which won't come round again...a lot of these courses that are being offered atm are to use up EU funding which ceases next March) you are saving your family at least £9k.

Have you thrown all the figures through a Web calculator like 'entitled to'? If you have kids and your income you may get some help via Universal Credit.

I think you should really try to make this opportunity work. Playing Devils advocate...what if you turn it down and your H isn't around at some point for whatever reason. You're already worrying about your own finances with the 'back up' of him working full time. How would your circumstances look if he wasn't in the picture?

It coincided with us starting our family and I was up for being a SAHM for a couple of years (turned out to be longer than that) and I quite fancied a career change at some point anyway - I thought that I had transferable skills to get into related career fields and there would be more opportunities here than there have turned out to be. I was quite naive, as it turned out. Underestimated how niche my previous line of work was! Also, DH had to do SOMETHING and was drawing a blank on everything else - and his new career path does really suit him.

Don't hand your notice in. Go "overemployed" at least for the first 2 weeks to check how legitimate the course is!

I think this is the way I'm viewing it, it's relatively short and therefore low cost in retraining /study terms compared to MA's PhD's etc.
That's made me a bit tearful about the cheerleader though. Yes, I really do need that. I've lost so many people around me in the last few years, it's hard to realise I don't really have anyone to cheer for me if DH isn't going to. Made me really miss my mum.

Wow, thank you for saying this. And I hope it all goes really well for you, you sound like you are doing amazingly well and have your head screwed on right. Good luck.

Ooh these are great ideas, thank you. Especially about talking to my current employer, they are very approachable and I think this would be a conversation worth having.

I would go for it!

I recently retrained in tech and in 18 months my salary has gone from 20k to 47k and is likely to keep rising, its well worth retraining in tech at the moment!