To think this was a hurtful way for DH to kill my career change dream?

[NaTTate]

I've been holding the dream of retraining for a career change for the last 16 months, whilst working in a full time job that I took just to pay the bills. DH had seemed supportive of the retraining idea. He has no interest in the particular field himself, so he took a minimal level of interest in what I was doing or talking about with my research and plans, but he had seemed verbally supportive of them.

But then yesterday, after I'd suddenly and unexpectedly been offered a fully funded training place on the course I wanted and would need to hand my notice in at work this week in order to accept the place, he turned around and said "I don't think you should do it. I think you'd be really bad at it."

I'm so thrown and devastated by his comment that I don't know what to think or do. It's utterly crushed my confidence. Is it unreasonable for me to feel that this is not the way a partner who loves you should raise any concerns they might have about whether you are making the wrong choice? It was so brutal and said coldly and he then shut down all my attempts to discuss it together and has seemed distant and angry ever since.

Back story for context (sorry, it's long):

A couple of years ago I was heavily researching career ideas and especially careers suitable for retraining in at a later point in life (I'm late forties). I was feeling pretty desperate, having got myself into a niche London-based career that I couldn't carry on with once we had relocated for DH's work, which contributed to me deciding to be a SAHM for a few years - and then led to me feeling increasingly irrelevant and out of touch. A specific area of tech came up as something I felt interested in and I found a training course (bootcamp type course) that looked to be well run, well respected, had mentoring and support for students and had good results at helping them find jobs afterwards. To apply you had to complete an intensive set of training labs, to show that you had the ability and commitment. I worked really hard at it over several weeks, I found some of it difficult, but from the online discussion forum I could see that others were too. I completed it and passed. I received an offer of a place, but at the same time my desperate job search (which had been unsuccessful over a long period of time) suddenly threw up a job offer. A graduate entry level job, on less than I'd been earning a decade ago, but a starting point. It was in a field I'd considered but wasn't in the area of tech I'd been pushing towards. The tech course was going to cost £9k, income share agreements were available, but we were struggling financially and not able to meet outgoings so I took the job offer and arranged with the training provider to defer my place (they take on several cohorts a year) - thinking that I could give the new job a good shot, decide whether it had potential for a long term career with progression, and keep the other idea on the back burner.

I'm managing the new job but I'm not excelling in it, I don't think the role is overall a very good match for my skill set or the way my brain works and I don't think the field has good enough prospects long term. There are aspects that are good about the job - nice company culture and my practical day to day working life works well for us (job is remote). However, I'm already feeling a bit stuck, I'm finding the low pay without an obvious path to progress frustrating and confidence-denting. I'm going to be 50 next month and I'll be on £25k, it's not what I hoped and I'm scared I'm going to have a poverty-stricken old age. The idea that I might do the tech training course at some point in the next 12-24 months and move into that field instead has been keeping me going at times. I've been continuing to read books and do practice labs in that field, but not nearly as often as I'd intended, as my the workload of my job is high and I've been finding going back to full time work with a family taking almost every bit of spare time and energy I have.

Last week the tech training provider contacted me out of the blue to say they had some 100% funded places available, but there is only one cohort they can use them on (government funding with a deadline) and a place is mine if I want it. If I want to take the place I will have to had my notice in at work on Monday to be able to work my notice period and be free in time to start. Which feels daunting and sudden - hence me wanting to discuss it with DH. It will have big economic impacts on the family in the short term - it's a full time course so I wouldn't be earning for 4 months (plus however long it took to secure a job afterwards). So it's a big decision and will affect the whole family, DH is not in a high earning field, so it would be tight and a struggle. We would have to borrow to meet our living costs. The career field is in high demand and well paid so hopefully the earning potential in the future will be far better than anything I've ever had before, but it's obviously always a risk to quit a job in this way and it doesn't feel like I can just go off and hand in my notice and do it anyway without DH's support.

I've been reflecting on what he said and realised that I would never say that to someone who was talking about their plans and goals - not to him, not to a friend. I might bring up possible issues, skill sets versus areas that the person might struggle with. But I would never be broadly supportive for months and then suddenly come straight out and say "I think you'd be really bad at this" and then refuse to engage any further. I don't feel like a person who actually cares would say this to someone. That's what I'm particularly gutted about. It feels brutal and not loving and not a mature way for two adults to make any decision. I'm interested to know what anyone else thinks about this - would you be gutted if your partner said this to you in this way? Or would you welcome brutal honesty?

I've just spent 16 months doing online coursework and study aids, watching youtube videos and reading books on the subject and he knows this. So why would he say it now, after all this time, when I'm potentially right on the verge of starting? The time to bring up a serious concern was before now, it makes me think he didn't ever really think I would do it. He did mention a concern about whether it was a good fit for me once a few months ago, but from his comments I realised he thought that I would be basically doing IT support, which is not at all what the career path is, and I could wholeheartedly see why I'd be rubbish at that; so I briefly went over what the subject actually was and what the potential career paths would be, suggested he look at some of the training labs I'd been doing and I could show him more detail about career roles etc. He wasn't interested in doing that or learning more about the field, so he didn't, which is fine, but I thought he at least had a bit more understanding of the field and seemed broadly supportive again.

When I received this offer of a funded place, I wasn't 100% sure myself what I should do, there are so many factors to consider - possibly I should stay a bit longer in this job, commit more fully and see where it goes, or else save up more money and accept paying the full amount to do the tech course at a time that feels less sudden and is more planned for us as a family. Or perhaps I should
grab this chance while it's here? I really wanted us to be able to discuss all this together. And I feel like by just saying "I think you'd be really bad at it" he has just effectively shut down all discussion and wrecked my confidence and enthusiasm. Maybe I would be shit at it. It's really hard to tell from the outside (of anything) what the reality would be like. But I've spent hours and hours over several years looking into what I might be able to do and I haven't come up with much else - that I feel I'd be good at, or would want to do, or have time or money to retrain in at this stage in life, or that would be a career that would fit around DH's long and irregular working hours, that will see me to retirement age and beyond. And he hasn't come up with realistic alternative suggestions either. Or indeed shown any interest in finding out what this idea actually entails. My confidence was pretty wrecked at this point in life anyway. I felt this was my best shot.

AIBU to feel that this is a hurtful way for DH to have responded to me?

@NaTTate @Testina
Benefits are calculated on household income.
My part time student DSD with toddler and partner had UC during Covid when their work dried up

TBH that kind of shit would just make me more determined to do it

You would have to BORROW to just live? That is an immense impact on the family.

You need to do it. It will pay dividends, both in terms of personal career satisfaction and earning potential. It is a once in a lifetime opportunity. If you don't your relationship will likely suffer too.

I think that he is putting you down to stop you doing the course. Once you give up your job your income as a couple will be tight. He will also have to do more at home because your going to be busy.

You told us that your now in your late 40's and your thinking of things long term. With a better job you have more money and can up your pension so your not in poverty when your an OAP.
Along with this your husband is not a high earner.

From what you told us the course you have been offered has good job and career prospects but your going to be short of money for a few months.
Why not go to citizen advice and see if your entitled to any benefits due to a lower household income? Could your parents give you some money at the moment for this if you made them aware that long term it benefits you financially?

In the past you gave up your job/career so your husband could move for a job that does not pay well. Then you spent a few years at home as a sham.
I would remind your husband of what you did in the past to support him and that it his turn now to support you.

I have known couples in your situation. Yes it's hard and can mean the other person has to work extra hours, do more house work and mind the kids but it's a short term pain for a long term gain.

What area of tech is it in? You’re def not being unreasonable and your dh was a dick, but if you could give the area there’s enough people here who could tell you whether the opportunities will be available once you’ve finished your training course. My reservation is around the fact that we’re entering a recession and you need to be confident that a good job will be waiting at the end of you’re going to be taking on debt to fund living costs

Will you be earning anything during the training?
Is he worried about finances with the cost of living crisis etc?

I'm in a similar situation, ended up with a London based career, sick of London, wanted to have a baby (and it was now or never due to my age) and not commute and be out of the house 7-8 and never see my kid. So I got pregnant, left my job, and started studying for a degree online, in a tech field that is hopefully going to help me get a flexible well paid job. I'm in my 2nd year now, it's exhausting of course and I need every bit of my husband's support and understanding. If he said that to me, I'm not sure I could forgive and have any confidence left, very cruel. I think he's scared of the financial hardship, but if you think you can make it work, do it.

DH is not in a high earning field, so it would be tight and a struggle. We would have to borrow to meet our living costs

I can see why he is panicking. How much will you have to borrow?

What is the training/job? If you’re more specific, people here might be able to advise accurately.

I am 99% certain i know which course and provider this is - its not a money grab in the slightest and the careers support is amazing - most people who do the course finish the course having already secured a job to go straight to.
The pre assessment stuff is HARD, so massive congrats on completing that, no actual job you'd go into at entry level in this area will be that hard and you are clearly eloquent and switched on so you would absolutely smash it.
They have people lining up to do it and have been trying to get government funded places for some time, and future gov funding depends on the success of this initial run so they must rate you highly as they'll have a lot to choose from! You should take this, you have sacrificed for him so its his turn for you. You will not struggle to get a job so the financial hit is temporary. Also tbh, you could get an evening job around this - it would be hard work but the hours would fit well.

Please go for the course OP. You will be brilliamt at it, it is clearly what you want to do for you to have put.so much time and effort into it. Do not settle for the box your DH has put you in.

I was told similar by an ex boyfriend (we split for different reasons but it was still a shitty thing to say which I remember) about a job I went for, and I took it anyway and it led me to much happiness.

Sorry if I missed anything, that was a very long post. So he was happy to support you in theory but not in practice?

He didnt say "i dont see how we can manage financially" he said "I think you would be bad at it". Despite evidence you're capable?

Do it. Your partner is trying to stifle you so his convenience isn’t affected in anyway.

Take the fucking place OP!!!

It will be the biggest regret of your life if you don't. You absolutely must do it.

The organisation have chosen YOU for one of the limited fully funded places. You've worked years to get to this point. They believe in you.

Don't fuck it up now by listening to a potentially insecure husband who, at his own admission, knows fuck all about the field and has zero interest in it.

Do the course. It's an amazing opportunity and sounds like it is what you want and need to take you to the next level in your career.

Your husband has the right to discuss it with you and put forward objections but ultimately it's your decision. But he's not prepared to negotiate, so simply take the opportunity and run with it. And consider whether you want to stay with a man who is so cruel and unsupportive.

Take the opportunity.
You've worked at it for a prolonged period and are well researched in it.
The course providers want you.
There is a temporary but not insurmountable phase before you get to good returns.

It does sound like a comment made out of jealousy rather than well-considered concern.

Regardless of the OP’s dh’s comments, if a poster came on here saying her dh wanted to do a training course and they would have to get into debt so he could give up work to do it at the beginning of.a recession there is not a single poster who would tell the OP she was being unreasonable to be upset/annoyed/worried. In fact posters would be falling over themselves to say how selfish the dh was.

Posters love telling OP’s how controlling/abusive/awful their dh’s are and how they would be better off without them. But while the OP might be in a position to retrain at some point, plunging her family into debt for something which has no guarantees at the end of it is immensely selfish.

Thats a bold claim; I've seen posters remind the OP that training brings better pay later on.

Do it OP!! You have invested 16 months on this new career and fate has now given you this opportunity. Tell your DH you will be pursuing this and you expect his full support.
Life is so short. Good luck.

Maybe it would be a good idea if possible to speak with people who have completed this course, What kind of employment were they actually able to secure after completing this course? How long did it take to secure that employment? What are they earning because of the additional training? In hindsight, do they think this training improved their life financially or professionally?

The answer to these questions should give you more insight and serve as a way to inform your decision.

If you were unable to secure employment immediately after completing the training, could your family move along comfortably with the longer term loss of income?

OP do the course.

It sounds like you're going to be able to pay off the loan when you're employed after the course. Plus, it's fully funded. You wouldn't have been asked if they thought you were a middling candidate.

I have learned the hard way that some "partners" aren't quite that when it comes to their (female) partner working to reach their goals. Mine has put obstacles in my way at every turn and I didn't realise, because what he was saying seemed different. And at no point did he say it was a bad idea. But turn out he's not wanting me to stop doing the household things, so he can focus on his career.

Do the course. You will always regret it if you don't.

Worst case scenario is you end up in a similar job to you're in now. But that's unlikely as you'll have a whole new skill set.

Posters love telling OP’s how controlling/abusive/awful their dh’s are and how they would be better off without them. But while the OP might be in a position to retrain at some point, plunging her family into debt for something which has no guarantees at the end of it is immensely selfish
If OP's husband had practical or financial concerns then he could have raised them in a kind and constructive way. E.g. let's sit down and look at finances to see if this is viable or if we need to make some changes.
It's horrible to watch his spouse spend ages preparing for something and then when it's within reach tell her she'd be rubbish at it.

I think he's not listened the last time when you told him what the job was, and it's just hit him that you're actually doing this. The long term benefits outweigh the short term issues, but now he's got to admit that he hasn't listened to anything you've told him, so his gone on the offensive.

I agree that the dh has gone about things in the wrong way.

But the fact remains that the OP expects her family to live in debt so she can do a course which has no guarantee at the end of it.

if she’d simply posted “I want to do this course, would I be unreasonable to quit my job, reduce my family’s income by £25k a year and go into debt,” the unanimous response would be yes.
People are only telling the OP how wonderful she is and what a wonderful opportunity it is and how she needs to go for it in response to the dh’s comments as opposed to the reality of what that means.

OP You go for it. I think the miserable sod suddenly realised that the nebulous idea of yours could come to be reality. He hasn't thought of that scenario, it has hit him like a bus, and he has lashed out. Hurting you permanently in the process.
Go ahead, get on with it. Let him catch up. You have researched all the alternatives.
You are entitled to your chance. Please, please, take it.