To think this was a hurtful way for DH to kill my career change dream?

[NaTTate]

I've been holding the dream of retraining for a career change for the last 16 months, whilst working in a full time job that I took just to pay the bills. DH had seemed supportive of the retraining idea. He has no interest in the particular field himself, so he took a minimal level of interest in what I was doing or talking about with my research and plans, but he had seemed verbally supportive of them.

But then yesterday, after I'd suddenly and unexpectedly been offered a fully funded training place on the course I wanted and would need to hand my notice in at work this week in order to accept the place, he turned around and said "I don't think you should do it. I think you'd be really bad at it."

I'm so thrown and devastated by his comment that I don't know what to think or do. It's utterly crushed my confidence. Is it unreasonable for me to feel that this is not the way a partner who loves you should raise any concerns they might have about whether you are making the wrong choice? It was so brutal and said coldly and he then shut down all my attempts to discuss it together and has seemed distant and angry ever since.

Back story for context (sorry, it's long):

A couple of years ago I was heavily researching career ideas and especially careers suitable for retraining in at a later point in life (I'm late forties). I was feeling pretty desperate, having got myself into a niche London-based career that I couldn't carry on with once we had relocated for DH's work, which contributed to me deciding to be a SAHM for a few years - and then led to me feeling increasingly irrelevant and out of touch. A specific area of tech came up as something I felt interested in and I found a training course (bootcamp type course) that looked to be well run, well respected, had mentoring and support for students and had good results at helping them find jobs afterwards. To apply you had to complete an intensive set of training labs, to show that you had the ability and commitment. I worked really hard at it over several weeks, I found some of it difficult, but from the online discussion forum I could see that others were too. I completed it and passed. I received an offer of a place, but at the same time my desperate job search (which had been unsuccessful over a long period of time) suddenly threw up a job offer. A graduate entry level job, on less than I'd been earning a decade ago, but a starting point. It was in a field I'd considered but wasn't in the area of tech I'd been pushing towards. The tech course was going to cost £9k, income share agreements were available, but we were struggling financially and not able to meet outgoings so I took the job offer and arranged with the training provider to defer my place (they take on several cohorts a year) - thinking that I could give the new job a good shot, decide whether it had potential for a long term career with progression, and keep the other idea on the back burner.

I'm managing the new job but I'm not excelling in it, I don't think the role is overall a very good match for my skill set or the way my brain works and I don't think the field has good enough prospects long term. There are aspects that are good about the job - nice company culture and my practical day to day working life works well for us (job is remote). However, I'm already feeling a bit stuck, I'm finding the low pay without an obvious path to progress frustrating and confidence-denting. I'm going to be 50 next month and I'll be on £25k, it's not what I hoped and I'm scared I'm going to have a poverty-stricken old age. The idea that I might do the tech training course at some point in the next 12-24 months and move into that field instead has been keeping me going at times. I've been continuing to read books and do practice labs in that field, but not nearly as often as I'd intended, as my the workload of my job is high and I've been finding going back to full time work with a family taking almost every bit of spare time and energy I have.

Last week the tech training provider contacted me out of the blue to say they had some 100% funded places available, but there is only one cohort they can use them on (government funding with a deadline) and a place is mine if I want it. If I want to take the place I will have to had my notice in at work on Monday to be able to work my notice period and be free in time to start. Which feels daunting and sudden - hence me wanting to discuss it with DH. It will have big economic impacts on the family in the short term - it's a full time course so I wouldn't be earning for 4 months (plus however long it took to secure a job afterwards). So it's a big decision and will affect the whole family, DH is not in a high earning field, so it would be tight and a struggle. We would have to borrow to meet our living costs. The career field is in high demand and well paid so hopefully the earning potential in the future will be far better than anything I've ever had before, but it's obviously always a risk to quit a job in this way and it doesn't feel like I can just go off and hand in my notice and do it anyway without DH's support.

I've been reflecting on what he said and realised that I would never say that to someone who was talking about their plans and goals - not to him, not to a friend. I might bring up possible issues, skill sets versus areas that the person might struggle with. But I would never be broadly supportive for months and then suddenly come straight out and say "I think you'd be really bad at this" and then refuse to engage any further. I don't feel like a person who actually cares would say this to someone. That's what I'm particularly gutted about. It feels brutal and not loving and not a mature way for two adults to make any decision. I'm interested to know what anyone else thinks about this - would you be gutted if your partner said this to you in this way? Or would you welcome brutal honesty?

I've just spent 16 months doing online coursework and study aids, watching youtube videos and reading books on the subject and he knows this. So why would he say it now, after all this time, when I'm potentially right on the verge of starting? The time to bring up a serious concern was before now, it makes me think he didn't ever really think I would do it. He did mention a concern about whether it was a good fit for me once a few months ago, but from his comments I realised he thought that I would be basically doing IT support, which is not at all what the career path is, and I could wholeheartedly see why I'd be rubbish at that; so I briefly went over what the subject actually was and what the potential career paths would be, suggested he look at some of the training labs I'd been doing and I could show him more detail about career roles etc. He wasn't interested in doing that or learning more about the field, so he didn't, which is fine, but I thought he at least had a bit more understanding of the field and seemed broadly supportive again.

When I received this offer of a funded place, I wasn't 100% sure myself what I should do, there are so many factors to consider - possibly I should stay a bit longer in this job, commit more fully and see where it goes, or else save up more money and accept paying the full amount to do the tech course at a time that feels less sudden and is more planned for us as a family. Or perhaps I should
grab this chance while it's here? I really wanted us to be able to discuss all this together. And I feel like by just saying "I think you'd be really bad at it" he has just effectively shut down all discussion and wrecked my confidence and enthusiasm. Maybe I would be shit at it. It's really hard to tell from the outside (of anything) what the reality would be like. But I've spent hours and hours over several years looking into what I might be able to do and I haven't come up with much else - that I feel I'd be good at, or would want to do, or have time or money to retrain in at this stage in life, or that would be a career that would fit around DH's long and irregular working hours, that will see me to retirement age and beyond. And he hasn't come up with realistic alternative suggestions either. Or indeed shown any interest in finding out what this idea actually entails. My confidence was pretty wrecked at this point in life anyway. I felt this was my best shot.

AIBU to feel that this is a hurtful way for DH to have responded to me?

It sounds like he’s not really been listening for last 16m and just assumed it was a whim that would come to nothing.
His comment sounds designed to knock you down and keep status quo.
How can you be bad at it if you’ve already passed a course in the area?
I agree check it’s a legitimate course/qualification/job prospects but if it is then I’d go for it.

Not RTFT bur bloody hell go for it. If he could cope with the lack of income while you were a SAHM then 4-6 months while you retrain and job search is nothing.

It does sound as if he's scared you will end up as the higher earner - could he also be a little scared that you will fall out of love with him if you emd up in a field you love, with decent wages and progression? The cruel comments and refusal to even discuss it sound like a mixture of fear and resentment.

Take the place on the course. It will do wonders for your self-esteem and confidence.

Once you have aced the course, and found your dream job, if he is still being cruel and dismissive of your abilities you can address that.

But please, please go for it, and come back in 5 or so months so we can celebrate your success with you.

Weren't you the one reduced to paroxysms of weeping a few months ago when your 28 year old self DIDN'T get ID'd for wine in the local shop?

AYE RIGHT you wouldn't be upset by what OP's husband said. 🤣

You should absolutely find a way of going for it. Maybe you can fit some freelance work in or any odd jobs to keep money flowing in. But you will absolutely regret not going for it. You and DH may not last into your old age and you should secure your own future

Do it and the best of luck at it. You’ve been focussed and driven to get this far, go for it!

He doesn't even understand what the job is, so how can he be so sure that you'd be bad at it?

He sounds like a dick

He's jealous.

This

He hasn’t ‘killed your dream’. He’s made one negative remark - probably out of envy or fear of domestic upheaval or fear of you changing as you gain in confidence and status.

After all the preparatory work you’ve put in why on earth would you not grab this opportunity with both hands? Just Do It.

And congratulations! Fully funded anything is fantastic!!

Keyansier has a habit of saying unwise comments...

OP - yes it was a hurtful comment. Go for it and prove your DP wrong.

Yep, that's the one...

And a few other questionable posts.

Hypocritical really but hey ho!

Really? Don’t you have to be available to work, not studying?

Go for it.

You've clearly investigated, did all the prep work and excelled at it. They wouldn't have offered the fully paid placement if they didn't think you were capable.

I'm a director at a big tech company and enthusiasm, initiative, and self-learning is something I look for when hiring. You have that in spades.

He is saying you wouldn't be good at it based on nothing but his ignorant opinion. You offered to show him what you've been up to and he has taken zero interest in it. That also speaks volumes.

You have given up a lot for him and he can't even be interested and supportive.

Take this opportunity.

Yes it was hurtful & nasty.

if he genuinely thought you wouldn't succeed, months ago was the time to bring it up & in a more sensitive way.

you moved & gave up your career for him. You've been a SAHM & then took a lower paid job to benefit the family.

I suspect he's insecure that you will do better than he is, that he might have to step up at work & at home.

his motives are NOT in your best interet.

You've been offered a brilliant opportunity don't you dare turn it down

I would just say I have supported you, been a sahp so we can follow your career it's my turn and I'm taking this opportunity.
You can always fall back on your other skills.

YANBU. You have in effect been offered a scholarship. He should be proud of you!

He didn’t take your plans seriously because he thought they wouldn’t come to fruition, and now it looks likely to happen, something is causing him to react negatively. Maybe he really does feel you won’t be good at this new career, although with all the hard work and tenacity you’ve shown, and the funded place offer I’d be really surprised if this is the case.

Please take up the funded place rather than delaying. Seek a career development loan if you need it to cover four months worth of living expenses. You would be asking the bank for match funding in effect, which they are likely to view more favourably. It isn’t a long time in the broader scheme of things, and seems like a sensible investment both for your family finances and in your own mental well-being / career satisfaction.

You’ve had some great advice already on this thread. Do have a discussion with HR and your manager at your current workplace to see if they would grant you a four month period of unpaid leave, or be open to re-employing you. It is an employees market currently but the extra assurance of a back up might help you feel more confident, and may be reassuring to your husband.

He’s a dick but is it coming from a place of genuinely not giving a shit about your feelings and honestly thinking what he said or just worrying for the family?

Take the place and sit down with him to plan how you’ll negotiate the next months as a family, you’re supposed to be a team.

I work full time (actually more than full time) and study technically full time too with 2 DC, it’s full on but doable.
If your course will be M-F 9-5 find part time eve/weekend work just for the few months it’ll take you to get though it. This relies on your DH being fully on board though and realising it’s for the greater good of the family.

Absolutely don’t pass up this opportunity though. If he’s being genuinely horrible and trying to hold you back/ selfishly wondering how it’ll impact him then you have a bigger problem that will only be solved by giving yourself the best possible chance at your own career and independence.

Realistically, this may be your only chance to get into this career. If you want to do it, and you can make the finances work for the next 6 mths, then don't let someone else tell you you can't!

Go for it. Your DH had no argument to back up his horrible statement, he just wants to keep you down, well fuck him, take the training post and have a fantastic career.

If he earned enough to support his family so you could be a SAHM he can't be doing that badly. He supported you then, perhaps he just doesn't want to go down that road again.

Have you had other 'ideas' previously that came to nothing?
Perhaps he'd reached the smile and nod point.
He knows you better than anyone. Maybe you wouldn't be good at it. Two sides to every story. I expect his would be rather different.

To present an alternative perspective.

I agree that the way your husband spoke to you was hurtful and I think you need to try to encourage him to have a proper conversation about it.

But ... does he have a point and/or is he worried about other things? He knows you better than 1000 random people on the internet.

I can see if my husband had wanted to change to a career I thought was wrong for him, but didn't seem to be going anywhere, I'd probably keep my doubts to myself and hope he worked that our for myself.

I don't agree it's necessarily a huge vote of confidence (although it may be) that you've been offered a funded place - it sounds like the company has been offered some government funding to use up by a deadline, and they potentially have a limited set of people that they can offer it to, if you have to go through aptitude tests prior to sitting the test, and most people will have gone straight on to do the boot camp. And, at the end of the day, the company just wants money.

And there quite often is funding available to get people into tech jobs. So that's another thing to consider - that actually you might be able to get funding at a later date for this or another similar type of course.

I tend to be rather sceptical of training companies that charge huge fees to train people up with no guarantee of a job later. Don't be in any illusions that you are paying for anything other than doing a training course. Yes, there may be plenty of jobs available in this field, but they companies are still not necessarily going to employ someone who has basically no experience outside of the course. Even if the course makes you really employable, it's quite rare to walk straight into a professional job - so there will likely be a lag of potentially even some months. Have you (both) seriously looked at the finances of covering this?

I also think you need to think seriously about why you are not liking your current job. You both say that you are not excelling but that you are frustrated by low future prospects. Are you 100% sure this will not be the case in your new career path? I have to admit it worries me that you say you found the assessments for the bootcamp difficult. Assuming this is something like coding, I think people either get the right way of thinking or they don't. Maybe this is what your husband means?

Please do go for your dream OP. Sorry he reacted like that, I can understand it is very upsetting, but don’t let his negative attitude derail your plans. It could be a once if a life time opportunity so don’t waste it second guessing yourself or worse, focussing on his reaction.

This.

Very nasty.

I would have a really hard look at your relationship because a good one doesn't involve behaviour like that.

If you think you can make a success of it, then you do it.

You may need it going forward being married to someone like that.

It would change how I would view him.

Do it.
the course provider knows you are capable.
in your heart you know you are capable and the short term financial hardship will be worth it in the long term. For the family unit, but most importantly for you as an individual.
Will you realistically earn more than your DP eventually?
Will your DP have to take on more child care/family mental load as you become an equal partner in the marriage?
Do NOT let him distract you and undermine your confidence.
please take the leap of faith and do the course.

Of course you have to do it, don’t live out the rest of your life on ‘what if’s’ . If it doesn’t work out you’ve lost what 4-5 months salary, it’s recoverable. You will always pick up a £25k a year job somewhere.
Can you claim any benefits as a family to bridge the gap if your husband is not a high earner ? You only have one life, don’t have any regrets.