To think this was a hurtful way for DH to kill my career change dream?

[NaTTate]

I've been holding the dream of retraining for a career change for the last 16 months, whilst working in a full time job that I took just to pay the bills. DH had seemed supportive of the retraining idea. He has no interest in the particular field himself, so he took a minimal level of interest in what I was doing or talking about with my research and plans, but he had seemed verbally supportive of them.

But then yesterday, after I'd suddenly and unexpectedly been offered a fully funded training place on the course I wanted and would need to hand my notice in at work this week in order to accept the place, he turned around and said "I don't think you should do it. I think you'd be really bad at it."

I'm so thrown and devastated by his comment that I don't know what to think or do. It's utterly crushed my confidence. Is it unreasonable for me to feel that this is not the way a partner who loves you should raise any concerns they might have about whether you are making the wrong choice? It was so brutal and said coldly and he then shut down all my attempts to discuss it together and has seemed distant and angry ever since.

Back story for context (sorry, it's long):

A couple of years ago I was heavily researching career ideas and especially careers suitable for retraining in at a later point in life (I'm late forties). I was feeling pretty desperate, having got myself into a niche London-based career that I couldn't carry on with once we had relocated for DH's work, which contributed to me deciding to be a SAHM for a few years - and then led to me feeling increasingly irrelevant and out of touch. A specific area of tech came up as something I felt interested in and I found a training course (bootcamp type course) that looked to be well run, well respected, had mentoring and support for students and had good results at helping them find jobs afterwards. To apply you had to complete an intensive set of training labs, to show that you had the ability and commitment. I worked really hard at it over several weeks, I found some of it difficult, but from the online discussion forum I could see that others were too. I completed it and passed. I received an offer of a place, but at the same time my desperate job search (which had been unsuccessful over a long period of time) suddenly threw up a job offer. A graduate entry level job, on less than I'd been earning a decade ago, but a starting point. It was in a field I'd considered but wasn't in the area of tech I'd been pushing towards. The tech course was going to cost £9k, income share agreements were available, but we were struggling financially and not able to meet outgoings so I took the job offer and arranged with the training provider to defer my place (they take on several cohorts a year) - thinking that I could give the new job a good shot, decide whether it had potential for a long term career with progression, and keep the other idea on the back burner.

I'm managing the new job but I'm not excelling in it, I don't think the role is overall a very good match for my skill set or the way my brain works and I don't think the field has good enough prospects long term. There are aspects that are good about the job - nice company culture and my practical day to day working life works well for us (job is remote). However, I'm already feeling a bit stuck, I'm finding the low pay without an obvious path to progress frustrating and confidence-denting. I'm going to be 50 next month and I'll be on £25k, it's not what I hoped and I'm scared I'm going to have a poverty-stricken old age. The idea that I might do the tech training course at some point in the next 12-24 months and move into that field instead has been keeping me going at times. I've been continuing to read books and do practice labs in that field, but not nearly as often as I'd intended, as my the workload of my job is high and I've been finding going back to full time work with a family taking almost every bit of spare time and energy I have.

Last week the tech training provider contacted me out of the blue to say they had some 100% funded places available, but there is only one cohort they can use them on (government funding with a deadline) and a place is mine if I want it. If I want to take the place I will have to had my notice in at work on Monday to be able to work my notice period and be free in time to start. Which feels daunting and sudden - hence me wanting to discuss it with DH. It will have big economic impacts on the family in the short term - it's a full time course so I wouldn't be earning for 4 months (plus however long it took to secure a job afterwards). So it's a big decision and will affect the whole family, DH is not in a high earning field, so it would be tight and a struggle. We would have to borrow to meet our living costs. The career field is in high demand and well paid so hopefully the earning potential in the future will be far better than anything I've ever had before, but it's obviously always a risk to quit a job in this way and it doesn't feel like I can just go off and hand in my notice and do it anyway without DH's support.

I've been reflecting on what he said and realised that I would never say that to someone who was talking about their plans and goals - not to him, not to a friend. I might bring up possible issues, skill sets versus areas that the person might struggle with. But I would never be broadly supportive for months and then suddenly come straight out and say "I think you'd be really bad at this" and then refuse to engage any further. I don't feel like a person who actually cares would say this to someone. That's what I'm particularly gutted about. It feels brutal and not loving and not a mature way for two adults to make any decision. I'm interested to know what anyone else thinks about this - would you be gutted if your partner said this to you in this way? Or would you welcome brutal honesty?

I've just spent 16 months doing online coursework and study aids, watching youtube videos and reading books on the subject and he knows this. So why would he say it now, after all this time, when I'm potentially right on the verge of starting? The time to bring up a serious concern was before now, it makes me think he didn't ever really think I would do it. He did mention a concern about whether it was a good fit for me once a few months ago, but from his comments I realised he thought that I would be basically doing IT support, which is not at all what the career path is, and I could wholeheartedly see why I'd be rubbish at that; so I briefly went over what the subject actually was and what the potential career paths would be, suggested he look at some of the training labs I'd been doing and I could show him more detail about career roles etc. He wasn't interested in doing that or learning more about the field, so he didn't, which is fine, but I thought he at least had a bit more understanding of the field and seemed broadly supportive again.

When I received this offer of a funded place, I wasn't 100% sure myself what I should do, there are so many factors to consider - possibly I should stay a bit longer in this job, commit more fully and see where it goes, or else save up more money and accept paying the full amount to do the tech course at a time that feels less sudden and is more planned for us as a family. Or perhaps I should
grab this chance while it's here? I really wanted us to be able to discuss all this together. And I feel like by just saying "I think you'd be really bad at it" he has just effectively shut down all discussion and wrecked my confidence and enthusiasm. Maybe I would be shit at it. It's really hard to tell from the outside (of anything) what the reality would be like. But I've spent hours and hours over several years looking into what I might be able to do and I haven't come up with much else - that I feel I'd be good at, or would want to do, or have time or money to retrain in at this stage in life, or that would be a career that would fit around DH's long and irregular working hours, that will see me to retirement age and beyond. And he hasn't come up with realistic alternative suggestions either. Or indeed shown any interest in finding out what this idea actually entails. My confidence was pretty wrecked at this point in life anyway. I felt this was my best shot.

AIBU to feel that this is a hurtful way for DH to have responded to me?

This is a golden opportunity that would be good for your future earnings . It sounds like a one off opportunity as you would have to find 9k plus loss of earnings another year.

DH needs to support you in this

What came across for me in your post is that you haven't liked any job you've had for a few years. If you are about to stop working to retrain - and put the family in financial difficulties - I can kinda see his point that it may be a financial stress and you still won't like it afterwards, especially if (as you say) you found the initial work difficult when you were preparing for the tests. Only you know if you complained a lot at the time when you were studying but if you did, he may be worried that the course will be more of a stress for you.

Does the course give you any practical experience with the work, is it related in any way to your previous employment? It can be hard to find a job without experience, unfortunately.

Is the training in coding by any chance? This sounds very much like a company my oh has told me about. If so, they really are amazing and you would be mad not to take the funded place! They are very well regarded and employers are keen to take on people who have done the course as they understand how good it is. He's worked with some people who've done it and was impressed.
Don't listen to him, it just sounds like he's scared you're going to end up doing well and won't be so dependent on him.

I'd do the course; I think you will regret it and resent him for it if you don't.

He was a dick, and why the fuck do these men always think it's their right to shut down communication after they've played a particularly knobheaded move? Fuck that shit. I'd use the energy and turn it into will of steel to make sure I did the course and did it well.

If his objection was purely financial then say that. Giving up a job to do unpaid course is risky but presumably Op has all the stats to make it work or she wouldn’t be contemplating it.

All the best op

go for it! I career changed into tech sales, it’s a booming sector and we need women. In my team of 49 there are only 3 women. I’m earning really well, you could too.

in your shoes I would be hurt, could his comment come from panic about income? Have a calm chat about it?

as the course is now free to you make it count, go for it. If it’s cyber security related pm me.

He was unreasonable and hurtful.

Do it anyway. You don’t want to look back and wonder or have regrets.

There are funded courses available that can be completed online in the evenings. That would be far less risky than dropping your income and getting into debt.

He's an arsehole. Do the course; you need to secure yourself for the future.

Please do pursue your dream. I’m a publisher by profession but I’m taking a career break (I’m currently pregnant) to write a novel and to pursue one of my other passions. I am fortunate in that I have a supportive partner who earns a considerably high salary so we are financially secure. But I also have my own money so even if he had objected I would still have pursued these new ventures. I truly hope you won’t let anyone, including your DH, discourage you. Have confidence in your abilities and push forward with your plans.

OP please take the opportunity and retrain. You'll always wonder what if, otherwise.

Good luck.

Off topic, but I thought this was going to say 'To think this was a hurtful way for DH to kill my cat' as it was only the t missing on the home page

As someone in tech I can assure you whatever the job is. I’m reading between the lines coding/ dev work there are more opportunities than people. You’d have option of staff and contractor roles.

4 months is a long time but you’d easily to be looking at 40k plus once qualified.

I think you need to have a chat with him.

Him saying that could be code for 'you would be crap at IT help desk and we have no money and the cost of living crisis......'

If it is quality free training then I would go for it but I would check what the job market is like in this new sector and realistically what salary you can expect initially and then eventually.

You may need go back to a crap job at the end of your course before getting something relevant.

Take the chance now OP. My partner left a very well paying job to retrain in tech, and I had to shoulder most of the financial burden. He was on a very low wage for 12 months on a fixed term contract, but is now earning almost the same as he was in the old job after a couple of years. Similar age to you too. Do it, or you will always look back and resent him and wonder what if.

In four months, when they managed for years without OP earning at all? Do you feel that is likely?

Depends on how long it takes to get a job afterwards.

With the hike in interest rates, mortgage payments, fuel bills and energy direct debits-it’s not that crazy to be extremely worried.

He is a dickhead, and please please please do not let an insecure unsupportive idiotic husband stop your dream if not you will end up like many many women who post here on mumsnet, stuck in an unhappy marriage or husband leaving and you’re so dependent on him financially because you are stuck in a low paying job with no prospects.

Welldone for getting yourself to this position and please go for it and create more opportunities for your future.

I’ve been in a similar situation to this.

I went ahead and did it. I don’t regret it but it did cause resentment from my DP. However I have supported him with job changes and training opportunities which have required significant lifestyle adjustments so expect the same in return.

Your DH’s response probably comes from a place of feeling as though you are going to be dependent on him and he doesn’t want / like that responsibility. However if you can make it work financially then do it. It’s a fabulous opportunity and short term pain for potentially long term gain.

Good luck OP!

He has his own agenda. It's nothing to do with your capabilities.

This is an amazing opportunity. Funded places aren't easy to get! Grab it.

Thanks everyone for commenting. It's really useful to see different perspectives on this and it highlights how it's not an easy or cut-and-dried decision. I want to get it right and I'm feeling gutted that DH and I don't seem to be able to talk about it now. I agree with the people who've suggested it's coming from a place of fear for him. Whether intentionally or not, it feels like his comment has really shut the possibility of me doing it down, either just at the moment, or possibly long term. I don't believe he didn't realise the affect it would have on my confidence.
I haven't been able to check in on this thread today and now there are so many messages it's taking me a while to work through! Responding to a few things and adding some relevant details -
@PonyPatter44 he doesn’t put me down in general day to day. He used to be full of praise and compliments and love, but I do think we’ve got worn down over time in many areas, and in recent years he has has started saying hurtful put-downs when angry, only occasionally, but I find them hard to deal with and tbh it feels challenging to keep liking/loving someone who comes out with this kind of thing (e.g. 2 or 3 years ago when I’d changed my clothing style and we were having an argument about completely different “You look ridiculous wearing those clothes! You look like you’re having a mid-life crisis”. And then later he denies that’s how he feels and it was “just anger’.
I feel like he 'speaks what he is truly feeling' when he is angry sometimes, and it makes me feel he’s keeping thoughts like these to himself the rest of the time. I’m sure he knows that I would never say anything like that to him. His own self esteem is quite fragile, which somehow makes it worse that he doesn’t recognise what he’s doing.
@minipie DH spent many years in an artistic field that is notorious for low pay, irregular employment etc. He was earning far below minimum wage when I became pregnant with our first child. He retrained in an area that was a passion for him, where jobs are very reliable and secure, but sadly not well paid or with progression opportunities and there aren't many around - which is why we had to relocate. He’s on 30 ish a year. But compared to where he was before it’s vastly better.

I do wonder whether it’s destabilising for him and he can’t handle the emotions of that - he tends to handle any emotional issues we have extremely badly and will shut down or get angry. It’s very hard to have a good and thorough discussion about anything “big”. I think he might well be worrying about the prospective change to him having the primary role that everything else has to fit around. He will have to be more flexible in his work, I’ve taken everything on for years and that has massively restricted what I’ve been able to do (I’ve only done bits and pieces of low paid part time work since we relocated before landing the job I’m in last year and I’ve made sure everything fits around him). And I agree with people who’ve said maybe he’s panicking about me not earning for a few months. We are in a better position now than we’ve been in for years financially. We had debts which were very stressful which were now paid off, so I can see why he may be panicking about having to borrow money again. I am too tbh. But further study or retraining seems to be the only way I’m going to be able to raise my income and I really don’t want to be earning in the £20k’s for the rest of my working life. We currently are managing but have no surplus or room for saving or making future plans.

I wouldn’t have minded if he’d come out and said “I really don’t think we can afford it right now” It was as if he chose to say something that he knew would hurt instead.

To be clear as well, to the people who asked, We can only cover all of our outgoings if I am earning too. We can't cover everything on his income (not far off, but we'd be sliding down a little bit every month and obviously things are getting more expensive).

It wouldn't be too much of a problem if I was only out of work for 4-6 months but any longer and it might get a bit scary. But realistically, I don't think there will be a time in the next few years where this is not the case - we are never going to have a surplus and have it feel like less of a risk, because he doesn't have promotion prospects in his career.

Do the course.
You will only regret it if you don't do it.
You and your DH will manage. You will manage while you're on the course and then you have whatever the qualification is and you'll be much more sought after for employment.
Go for it.

Ignore your DH's very thoughtless comment. I have 😉