To think this was a hurtful way for DH to kill my career change dream?

[NaTTate]

I've been holding the dream of retraining for a career change for the last 16 months, whilst working in a full time job that I took just to pay the bills. DH had seemed supportive of the retraining idea. He has no interest in the particular field himself, so he took a minimal level of interest in what I was doing or talking about with my research and plans, but he had seemed verbally supportive of them.

But then yesterday, after I'd suddenly and unexpectedly been offered a fully funded training place on the course I wanted and would need to hand my notice in at work this week in order to accept the place, he turned around and said "I don't think you should do it. I think you'd be really bad at it."

I'm so thrown and devastated by his comment that I don't know what to think or do. It's utterly crushed my confidence. Is it unreasonable for me to feel that this is not the way a partner who loves you should raise any concerns they might have about whether you are making the wrong choice? It was so brutal and said coldly and he then shut down all my attempts to discuss it together and has seemed distant and angry ever since.

Back story for context (sorry, it's long):

A couple of years ago I was heavily researching career ideas and especially careers suitable for retraining in at a later point in life (I'm late forties). I was feeling pretty desperate, having got myself into a niche London-based career that I couldn't carry on with once we had relocated for DH's work, which contributed to me deciding to be a SAHM for a few years - and then led to me feeling increasingly irrelevant and out of touch. A specific area of tech came up as something I felt interested in and I found a training course (bootcamp type course) that looked to be well run, well respected, had mentoring and support for students and had good results at helping them find jobs afterwards. To apply you had to complete an intensive set of training labs, to show that you had the ability and commitment. I worked really hard at it over several weeks, I found some of it difficult, but from the online discussion forum I could see that others were too. I completed it and passed. I received an offer of a place, but at the same time my desperate job search (which had been unsuccessful over a long period of time) suddenly threw up a job offer. A graduate entry level job, on less than I'd been earning a decade ago, but a starting point. It was in a field I'd considered but wasn't in the area of tech I'd been pushing towards. The tech course was going to cost £9k, income share agreements were available, but we were struggling financially and not able to meet outgoings so I took the job offer and arranged with the training provider to defer my place (they take on several cohorts a year) - thinking that I could give the new job a good shot, decide whether it had potential for a long term career with progression, and keep the other idea on the back burner.

I'm managing the new job but I'm not excelling in it, I don't think the role is overall a very good match for my skill set or the way my brain works and I don't think the field has good enough prospects long term. There are aspects that are good about the job - nice company culture and my practical day to day working life works well for us (job is remote). However, I'm already feeling a bit stuck, I'm finding the low pay without an obvious path to progress frustrating and confidence-denting. I'm going to be 50 next month and I'll be on £25k, it's not what I hoped and I'm scared I'm going to have a poverty-stricken old age. The idea that I might do the tech training course at some point in the next 12-24 months and move into that field instead has been keeping me going at times. I've been continuing to read books and do practice labs in that field, but not nearly as often as I'd intended, as my the workload of my job is high and I've been finding going back to full time work with a family taking almost every bit of spare time and energy I have.

Last week the tech training provider contacted me out of the blue to say they had some 100% funded places available, but there is only one cohort they can use them on (government funding with a deadline) and a place is mine if I want it. If I want to take the place I will have to had my notice in at work on Monday to be able to work my notice period and be free in time to start. Which feels daunting and sudden - hence me wanting to discuss it with DH. It will have big economic impacts on the family in the short term - it's a full time course so I wouldn't be earning for 4 months (plus however long it took to secure a job afterwards). So it's a big decision and will affect the whole family, DH is not in a high earning field, so it would be tight and a struggle. We would have to borrow to meet our living costs. The career field is in high demand and well paid so hopefully the earning potential in the future will be far better than anything I've ever had before, but it's obviously always a risk to quit a job in this way and it doesn't feel like I can just go off and hand in my notice and do it anyway without DH's support.

I've been reflecting on what he said and realised that I would never say that to someone who was talking about their plans and goals - not to him, not to a friend. I might bring up possible issues, skill sets versus areas that the person might struggle with. But I would never be broadly supportive for months and then suddenly come straight out and say "I think you'd be really bad at this" and then refuse to engage any further. I don't feel like a person who actually cares would say this to someone. That's what I'm particularly gutted about. It feels brutal and not loving and not a mature way for two adults to make any decision. I'm interested to know what anyone else thinks about this - would you be gutted if your partner said this to you in this way? Or would you welcome brutal honesty?

I've just spent 16 months doing online coursework and study aids, watching youtube videos and reading books on the subject and he knows this. So why would he say it now, after all this time, when I'm potentially right on the verge of starting? The time to bring up a serious concern was before now, it makes me think he didn't ever really think I would do it. He did mention a concern about whether it was a good fit for me once a few months ago, but from his comments I realised he thought that I would be basically doing IT support, which is not at all what the career path is, and I could wholeheartedly see why I'd be rubbish at that; so I briefly went over what the subject actually was and what the potential career paths would be, suggested he look at some of the training labs I'd been doing and I could show him more detail about career roles etc. He wasn't interested in doing that or learning more about the field, so he didn't, which is fine, but I thought he at least had a bit more understanding of the field and seemed broadly supportive again.

When I received this offer of a funded place, I wasn't 100% sure myself what I should do, there are so many factors to consider - possibly I should stay a bit longer in this job, commit more fully and see where it goes, or else save up more money and accept paying the full amount to do the tech course at a time that feels less sudden and is more planned for us as a family. Or perhaps I should
grab this chance while it's here? I really wanted us to be able to discuss all this together. And I feel like by just saying "I think you'd be really bad at it" he has just effectively shut down all discussion and wrecked my confidence and enthusiasm. Maybe I would be shit at it. It's really hard to tell from the outside (of anything) what the reality would be like. But I've spent hours and hours over several years looking into what I might be able to do and I haven't come up with much else - that I feel I'd be good at, or would want to do, or have time or money to retrain in at this stage in life, or that would be a career that would fit around DH's long and irregular working hours, that will see me to retirement age and beyond. And he hasn't come up with realistic alternative suggestions either. Or indeed shown any interest in finding out what this idea actually entails. My confidence was pretty wrecked at this point in life anyway. I felt this was my best shot.

AIBU to feel that this is a hurtful way for DH to have responded to me?

Don't turn down this opportunity. They wouldn't have offered it to you if they didn't think you could do it.
Your DH seems threatened by you improving your prospects. There's no good interpretation of his behaviour. Ignore his negative reaction and focus on passing the course.

Yes it was hurtful but I personally wouldn't put my family in the situation of no second income for months 4 months training plus however long it takes to get a job in that field have you looked to see how often jobs come up in that field, you could be out of work for a year and with the current cost of living it would be unfair to put all the extra stress on your family, and there is also no guarantee you will pass the course or get a job in that field

The fundamental issue is that he hasn't actually engaged or understood what you will be doing.

And worse, he simply doesn't care beyond his own self interest.

His comment means nothing beyond an expression of his own selfishness and has no bearing on your ability.

I wish so many people would stop saying the course provider thinks OP can do it.

All the course provider knows is that OP has passed the initial assessments (pre-requisites for the course, if you like).

If OP does the course, they will get money from the government.
If they hadn't contacted her she would be staying in her current job and they would not get any money (or would have to find someone else).
Their motivation is purely financial.

This is a training course provider. Yes, it will look better for their stats if OP does well, but otherwise they couldn't care less whether she aces it or drops out after week 2.

It's a terrible thing for him to have said but I wonder if he is terrified at the fact you would have to borrow money for living expenses and just had a panic, thinking that would be the quickest way to talk you out of it? Times are hard and everyone is worried about bills/jobs so maybe he fears you will finish the training and still be unable to find work. Not in any way excusing his outburst btw, that's a dreadful thing to say to you. I'd be crushed too.

What’s the training and why does he think you’d be bad at the job?

When you say it’s funded, do you mean the training is free or that you get paid for those 4 months, like a bursary?

Will he have to support you financially and can your household afford that?

Tbh the fact this course provider want an immediate decision rings alarm bells.

There are hundreds of these so called training companies out there, all out to make money, and they all put out the “you could be fulfilling your dreams” as their statement to lure people in.

Reputable companies don’t lay on this kind of pressure they’re doing it this quickly because it’s the hard sell, and the longer you have to think about it, the more likely you are to realise that they’re not legitimate or that they’re just on the make.

I’m not saying don’t train, but be very wary of a company that promises you the earth as long as you sign up now

if it sounds too good to be true, it invariably is.

@Keyansier I think a lot of people would find it hurtful to be told they'd be really bad at something, regardless of whether it was true or not

It sounds like he doesn't know enough to say you would be bad at it..... So please don't let it affect your confidence.

It sounds like your new job might pay more than his, some men feel insecure in this position.

Some men think women will be bad at tech but that's just deep seated prejudice that unfortunately many of us in tech are very familiar with. It's best to ignore opinions coming from this judgment too.

It sounds like it is worth the risk as 4 months is not that long and you should be able to find something appropriate soon. You have sacrificed a lot to this point, including losing your job through relocation for the family.

In this case you need to decide whether he thinks you would be good or not is irrelevant. What you need is to work out is what you need from him for the next 4 months and then prove him wrong.

It is hurtful but going over that won't solve your problem for now, which is, should you take this course?

I agree with this post. It was deliberate so please ignore it. If this is an example of how nice he can be, then you need to look after yourself as you never know what the future may hold and it is best to be as self sufficient as possible. This sounds like a very good opportunity to increase your earnings (not to mention what you pay into a pension) and will add skills to your CV that employers want. Don't let him hold you back as it will build resentment. Please don't throw a good opportunity away.

If it was money worries, he could have spoken to you about them. It seems to me that he likes you where you are and either doesn't want you out-earning him or realising that you may be better off without him. His comment was designed to help him, not you. However, this opportunity isn't about him, it is for you. He's used to putting himself first, but it is your turn now.

Agree Dh aside, check out who is offering and chances of work after

Make sure you do it. It's only four months and is a real opportunity. I'm sorry about your husband's lack of support.

I would do it OP, £25k isn't a high wage at all and if push came to shove I'm sure you could fall back to something similar if it doesn't all work out.

Definitely do it. He probably didn't expect it to actually happen which is why he was initially seemingly supportive and now isn't. Please don't listen to him and do the course

Do it! Take the opportunity. You’ll never know until you try. If you don’t try, you’ll always have some element of regret.

Sorry if this has already been said but could you request a sabbatical from your current employer so that you may partake in full time study then if finding employment after completing the course you would have a fall back position?

Do it.

4 months is frankly nothing when you think about it and there are a lot of jobs out there at the moment.

Maybe try doing some temping while you are studying as well to keep and income going or ask your current workplace if you could go part-time while you are studying.

I assume you have researched the course provider and the qualification and you are sure that this will be a positive step for you.

Your husband is either threatened by you suddenly doing something new for yourself or envious.

A good partner would be supportive. If he is worried about finances you could have sat down to work out how you will deal with the drop in income. There was no justification whatsoever to make that comment.

Lol- it did cross my mind but I thought if he really had killed her cat it wouldn't really be the WAY that he did it that was the issue so.... probably career.

She’s passed the tough entry requirements and been offered a fully-funded place, when clearly from the set-up they have many more applicants than places. You (@Keyansier ) along with the DH are being totally unreasonable to assume that she won’t be good at it when all the indications are that she would ace it.

If you possibly can make it work, you really must take it @NaTTate. Well done your for being so brilliant to get this place, and then funding too.

@sheepdogdelight totally agree.
My cousin has spends thousands with one of the UK’s biggest (and very reputable) training provider for professional accountancy training and qualifications. BPP - maybe actually the biggest? The same firm is used by many successfully FTSE 100 companies. He has passed many exams, and good on him.

But he has mental health issues that mean he is never going to work in that field. It’s sad, but it’s true.

Having progressed all the CIMA exams that are possible without workplace input, he has now started on the bottom rung of ACCA.

BPP are not there to tell him that he’s wasting his money - they’re just there to take it.

Tbf, I think deep down my cousin knows it’s going nowhere and it keeps his brain busy in the meantime. It’s a hobby that gives short term self esteem boosts as he passes each exam. BPP don’t know that, or care. Even if an individual tutor can see it, it’s not then swiping his credit card for yet another session.

Do it. And I say this as someone who's been working in the field for years now after doing a bootcamp course.

I'll tell you something else to. You aren't the first woman whose husband turned spiteful once she started the course. While some men were lovely partners, others found themselves called idiots, deluded, "code monkeys", "only getting jobs because you're women."

It generates a hatred in certain men who wish to retain power. You will see him change. You will see him become bitter and jealous. You will have skills he will deeply envy. A paycheck to match, too.

Keep yourself safe. This man is going to get poisonous. I saw it so often at bootcamp I began to watch out for it with the new starters and with female developers I work with. Most have great relationships, don't get me wrong, but the ones with bitter angry men at home get rid of them sharpish.

Go for it! I changed career in 40s and its been amazing! I'm thriving and feel like I have a new lease of life.

Worse case scenario is you don't like it and have to go back a little bit poorer. But at least you'll know it wasn't right for you.

Don't let fear of failing hold you back!

I jumped off the career wheel and retrained and I had nothing but full support from my OH, even though he had his own challenges to face. I had worked and supported him at the beginning of his career and there was no question but that he would support me in every way he could.

I think your OH may have his concerns about the finances (which is understandable) but he should discuss it all with you from a supportive angle and not dash your hopes in such a malicious way.

He’s feeling threatened by your initiative and ability, worried you’ll grown him and he commented to clip you wings.
Do it!

Tech courses are a well regarded way into the industry and have years now of successful developers. Companies are eager to hire graduates from them. Jobs are plentiful, because there's always a shortage of developers due to naysayers, negative 'oh I could never' people and spiteful partners.