To think this was a hurtful way for DH to kill my career change dream?

[NaTTate]

I've been holding the dream of retraining for a career change for the last 16 months, whilst working in a full time job that I took just to pay the bills. DH had seemed supportive of the retraining idea. He has no interest in the particular field himself, so he took a minimal level of interest in what I was doing or talking about with my research and plans, but he had seemed verbally supportive of them.

But then yesterday, after I'd suddenly and unexpectedly been offered a fully funded training place on the course I wanted and would need to hand my notice in at work this week in order to accept the place, he turned around and said "I don't think you should do it. I think you'd be really bad at it."

I'm so thrown and devastated by his comment that I don't know what to think or do. It's utterly crushed my confidence. Is it unreasonable for me to feel that this is not the way a partner who loves you should raise any concerns they might have about whether you are making the wrong choice? It was so brutal and said coldly and he then shut down all my attempts to discuss it together and has seemed distant and angry ever since.

Back story for context (sorry, it's long):

A couple of years ago I was heavily researching career ideas and especially careers suitable for retraining in at a later point in life (I'm late forties). I was feeling pretty desperate, having got myself into a niche London-based career that I couldn't carry on with once we had relocated for DH's work, which contributed to me deciding to be a SAHM for a few years - and then led to me feeling increasingly irrelevant and out of touch. A specific area of tech came up as something I felt interested in and I found a training course (bootcamp type course) that looked to be well run, well respected, had mentoring and support for students and had good results at helping them find jobs afterwards. To apply you had to complete an intensive set of training labs, to show that you had the ability and commitment. I worked really hard at it over several weeks, I found some of it difficult, but from the online discussion forum I could see that others were too. I completed it and passed. I received an offer of a place, but at the same time my desperate job search (which had been unsuccessful over a long period of time) suddenly threw up a job offer. A graduate entry level job, on less than I'd been earning a decade ago, but a starting point. It was in a field I'd considered but wasn't in the area of tech I'd been pushing towards. The tech course was going to cost £9k, income share agreements were available, but we were struggling financially and not able to meet outgoings so I took the job offer and arranged with the training provider to defer my place (they take on several cohorts a year) - thinking that I could give the new job a good shot, decide whether it had potential for a long term career with progression, and keep the other idea on the back burner.

I'm managing the new job but I'm not excelling in it, I don't think the role is overall a very good match for my skill set or the way my brain works and I don't think the field has good enough prospects long term. There are aspects that are good about the job - nice company culture and my practical day to day working life works well for us (job is remote). However, I'm already feeling a bit stuck, I'm finding the low pay without an obvious path to progress frustrating and confidence-denting. I'm going to be 50 next month and I'll be on £25k, it's not what I hoped and I'm scared I'm going to have a poverty-stricken old age. The idea that I might do the tech training course at some point in the next 12-24 months and move into that field instead has been keeping me going at times. I've been continuing to read books and do practice labs in that field, but not nearly as often as I'd intended, as my the workload of my job is high and I've been finding going back to full time work with a family taking almost every bit of spare time and energy I have.

Last week the tech training provider contacted me out of the blue to say they had some 100% funded places available, but there is only one cohort they can use them on (government funding with a deadline) and a place is mine if I want it. If I want to take the place I will have to had my notice in at work on Monday to be able to work my notice period and be free in time to start. Which feels daunting and sudden - hence me wanting to discuss it with DH. It will have big economic impacts on the family in the short term - it's a full time course so I wouldn't be earning for 4 months (plus however long it took to secure a job afterwards). So it's a big decision and will affect the whole family, DH is not in a high earning field, so it would be tight and a struggle. We would have to borrow to meet our living costs. The career field is in high demand and well paid so hopefully the earning potential in the future will be far better than anything I've ever had before, but it's obviously always a risk to quit a job in this way and it doesn't feel like I can just go off and hand in my notice and do it anyway without DH's support.

I've been reflecting on what he said and realised that I would never say that to someone who was talking about their plans and goals - not to him, not to a friend. I might bring up possible issues, skill sets versus areas that the person might struggle with. But I would never be broadly supportive for months and then suddenly come straight out and say "I think you'd be really bad at this" and then refuse to engage any further. I don't feel like a person who actually cares would say this to someone. That's what I'm particularly gutted about. It feels brutal and not loving and not a mature way for two adults to make any decision. I'm interested to know what anyone else thinks about this - would you be gutted if your partner said this to you in this way? Or would you welcome brutal honesty?

I've just spent 16 months doing online coursework and study aids, watching youtube videos and reading books on the subject and he knows this. So why would he say it now, after all this time, when I'm potentially right on the verge of starting? The time to bring up a serious concern was before now, it makes me think he didn't ever really think I would do it. He did mention a concern about whether it was a good fit for me once a few months ago, but from his comments I realised he thought that I would be basically doing IT support, which is not at all what the career path is, and I could wholeheartedly see why I'd be rubbish at that; so I briefly went over what the subject actually was and what the potential career paths would be, suggested he look at some of the training labs I'd been doing and I could show him more detail about career roles etc. He wasn't interested in doing that or learning more about the field, so he didn't, which is fine, but I thought he at least had a bit more understanding of the field and seemed broadly supportive again.

When I received this offer of a funded place, I wasn't 100% sure myself what I should do, there are so many factors to consider - possibly I should stay a bit longer in this job, commit more fully and see where it goes, or else save up more money and accept paying the full amount to do the tech course at a time that feels less sudden and is more planned for us as a family. Or perhaps I should
grab this chance while it's here? I really wanted us to be able to discuss all this together. And I feel like by just saying "I think you'd be really bad at it" he has just effectively shut down all discussion and wrecked my confidence and enthusiasm. Maybe I would be shit at it. It's really hard to tell from the outside (of anything) what the reality would be like. But I've spent hours and hours over several years looking into what I might be able to do and I haven't come up with much else - that I feel I'd be good at, or would want to do, or have time or money to retrain in at this stage in life, or that would be a career that would fit around DH's long and irregular working hours, that will see me to retirement age and beyond. And he hasn't come up with realistic alternative suggestions either. Or indeed shown any interest in finding out what this idea actually entails. My confidence was pretty wrecked at this point in life anyway. I felt this was my best shot.

AIBU to feel that this is a hurtful way for DH to have responded to me?

So you give up a niche career to relocate for H's job but he can't support you with a 4 month fully funded course?!
Fuck that! Do it and don't look back.

Unless I missed it, you didn't say what the training was for.
It sounds great, but be aware that there are a lot of 'training' companies out there whose sole income is government funding for low quality smoke-and-mirrors training schemes in marketing etc etc.
That's a separate issue from your husband's reaction, but it's worth bearing in mind before throwing everything behind this.

If you're certain this is a genuine career move, into a reputable stream, then you have to go for it.
Your husband had plenty of opportunity (I hope) to voice his doubts, while you were planning this.
He might have lacked confidence to tell you he thought it was a bad idea and maybe he just hoped it would go away. It didn't, and you have now reached a point where this will affect him. Maybe he panicked and telling you he didn't think you were good enough was just a clumsy, thoughtless reflection of his own feelings of inadequacy. Or maybe a mean and calculated way to undermine you. Only you know which.

Either way, it is now TOO LATE for him to neg your plans. He needs to get behind you or keep his mouth firmly shut.

If you don't take this opportunity, you join the generations of women whose unfulfilled 'could have been...' resentments sadly haunt them into bitter old age.

Does he know anything at all about this career /qualification that would enable him to comment ?
If he does then he should be able to explain why he thinks its not a great fit for you. Ie you will find it difficult to complete the course and or find work after, its too niche.
If not (which I suspect) he's either been humouring/gas lighting you or hes worried about the short term financial hit whole you aren’t working. But if hes worried about money he should be able to verbalise that and not just shoot you down in flames.
I believe he’s been happy for you to make sacrifices for his career, but he really has no interest in your job satisfaction or career.

Also possibly hes not happy he will have to take on more house/life admin while you are doing the course.

I would say go for it.

You sound so tenacious and deserve that place on the course.

Tell your DH to f off and get signed up!!!

I agree with the posters who think that he was being deliberately hurtful, and he was doing it because rather than help you find a way to thrive as an individual and becomes more powerful and independent, he is insecure and needs you to feel lesser.

Without question do the course: a funded place is a no brainer (it would cost you 5 months of your take home pay): you’ve said you are on a low salary & don’t see prospects with your current job so it is not particularly worth hanging on to

When do you start? See if you can get some extra money coming in before (casual work before xmas?) & if your study commitments allow work 5-10 hours a week while doing the course too

You can start applying for jobs 2-3 months before you finish the course to try to minimise the gap

That’s the practical side. Emotionally: yes, I’d feel upset and unsupported. Is your DH worried about finances?

He feels threatened

he owes you an apology

do not give up on this opportunity

x

His delivery was absolutely hurtful. But.

Is he right?

You said in your OP that you don’t feel you’re doing very well in your current job. If you’re struggling in an entry level position will you find a higher level of career more difficult?

you say your DH isn’t really interested in this particular career move, and as such he hasn’t really said much about it over the past few months. Maybe he hasn’t paid attention really given you’re in a role already. Maybe he didn’t really think you’d go forward with training and so never felt the need to say anything, after all, there’s no point if it’s not going to happen.

And now you’ve told him you’re going to do this training, going to hand in your notice and your family are going to be badly off for the time being, in possibly the worst financial crisis we’ve experienced in our lifetime. And there are no guarantees at the end of it.

I would step back from what your DH has said but would think about whether he has a point and whether this really is something you believe you will excel at, rather than just be interested in.

Unless it's going to plunge your family into penury I'd do it. It sounds like he either panicked or doesn't want you to do something that might impact him.

He was a twat in expressing things the way he did.

I wonder if you getting this course and possibly a new job impacts him. Either because he feels he will need to earn more to cover your income or because is he concerned you'll end up out earning him. Does he do his fair share around the house etc. or are you supporting him /doing more than your fair share whilst he does his job? Why did your career have to go on hold to support his but he won't support you in moving forward now?

Wow! Firstly, I have to say you are really impressive; having the determination and making the time to do all you have so far to prepare for this field. I dare say some things won’t come effortlessly but you’ve shown you can persevere through that and you know you have passed their own assessments.

Secondly, that was an awful thing to say. I agree with pps that he probably feels threatened by the prospect of you outstripping him career wise, he may not have voiced that to himself even but he feels the jealousy, and yes, he may begrudge the additional support it will require from him in the short term.

Don't let it touch your self esteem. You are admirable and I suspect, will prove a real treasure for whoever employs you in the role you covet. You have already been identified as a talent, your personal qualities combined make you a terrific prospect.

Two separate issues to consider:

Number one and first priority to decide on whether this opportunity fits for you at this stage.

Number two is your feelings about husband's comments. Is this husband's usual mode of operating? What's his level of emotional intelligence? Was it a glib throw away comment? Are you hyper aware of any criticism and does this tap into worries you have? Although must say, it would take the wind out of my sails.

Congratulations on having so many possibilities- think that says a lot about your skills and level of work you've put into your career goals.

I am retraining, for lots of the same reasons as you. I am 51 and will be 53 if / when I qualify, and will be working incredibly hard on a low salary till then. If someone had told me the thing I am about to say, while I was still with my ex, I would not have believed them, but it's true, and here it is: it's easier to do hard things single (with kids) than with my exP. Because he dragged me down, not just by being lazy and inconsiderate, which absorbed a lot of energy: but also because he actively sapped my confidence, because it made him feel good to do that. I am aware all the time now of how short life is because I left too many things too late and I am so happy to be living my own life, not tagged onto someone else's.

Your husband knows hardly anything about it, your confidence must be very low if you are doubting yourself because of him. The people who selected you for the course clearly do think you are good enough so listen to them, not him!

I agree he is feeling threatened and is lashing out at you in the way most likely to hurt you.

How is telling the OP, twice, that she should do the course being "deliberately nasty"?

So one rule for him and one rule for you?

That's not how a supportive partnership works. It sounds like he is deliberately trying to 'keep you down'. Is he threatened that you will be more successful than him? Just trying to work out why he would be so spiteful at the time when you are at the point of making it a reality.

Please don't let him put you off. Do it and he can sod off with his moods and sulks. Hand on your notice on Monday and put your energy into getting that course done successfully. Good luck!

“The only note of caution would be that in IT there are a fair few fly-by-night training operators so make sure this isn't one of them, and that it's a reputable provider.”

I’m glad someone else is striking a note of caution.

Your husband is an arsehole.

But I’m going to disagree with all the people saying that you must be brilliant as the course has been offered to free. I absolutely think you can pass the course, as you were offered the place and did well in the prep for that. But you’ve been offered the free place now simply because they’ve attracted the funding and are on a deadline - so anyone who passed the aptitude test but didn’t start the course will be on their radar.

Attracting funding sadly doesn’t make this necessarily a good provider. Hell, those “mermaid studies diploma” places are scamming government money in some cases.

You say this provider has a good record of employment - do you know this, or do they just say it?

There’s a general skills shortage and a specific IT shortage - and even note specifically this area, you say. You have continued to self study - but not got a job in the field. Does this course give you a qualification that you need?

If you didn’t have to borrow for living costs, I’d say fuck it - go for it. But you do. Does your current employer need this skill? They may be prepared to take you on after, which reduces the risk. Can you work part time during it?

Do you have someone - your line manager? - that you can trust to be honest with you?

£9K training fees is a lot to turn down, but if this really is going to lead to a better paid career, you’ll recoup the £9K if you pay for it. So is the knee jerk scramble now actually the right time?

None of this is me disagreeing that your husband was unkind - actually a total arsehole. But rather than waste your mental energy on that, I’d put all your focus now onto whether it’s actually the right course and right decision.

Suggest, check if they are offering you a free course
Are they expecting you to work for them for 1, 2, 3 years after you have completed their course. Or are you free to seek employment anywhere, after you have completed the course.

If it all checks out, I agree complete the course

Update us in the future with your progress

You supported your DH, its his time to support you

Goodluck

@NaTTate A practical suggestion here. Go on the entitledto.com benefits calculator. You will likely be eligible for Universal Credit while you have no income due to study.
Grab your opportunity.

You gave up your career to follow him for a job move and then to look after your children - then took a job with few prospects knowing that you would do this training in the near future .. you have decided that you want to do this and have done the research to prove that this is something that you will get a better paid job from.. .. he didn't word it well and if he was part of the driving force behind you moving and stopping work - he does need to step and support you and your career choices for the good of the long term financial stability of the family, not least to support his equal partner (as a women and a mother with a gap in your working history, the odds are already stacked heavily against you)

Having said all of that..
I would be slightly wary of this special training, guaranteed job at the end, 4 months, costs £9K and some pressure to do this because of available funding that needs to be use immediately - would you care to share more about what the special lab based skills are and have you taken independent advice of whether this training is indeed a valid passport to a better paid job?

Giving up a job without one to go to is not a great plan when you will have to take out a loan to cover living costs during the time you will be training..

Do it. As a PP has said, take the encouragement that the course specifically offered you the free place over others instead of your H's reasoning (which IMO opinion was not only cruel, but has a hidden agenda).
I would be looking to take a PT job around the course (eves/wkends), ideally one you could increase your hours/pick up overtime on once the course has finished and you are job hunting. If your H won't support you financially in this decision, I'd make the short term shortfall up with overdraft/credit cards. Would your employer allow you an extended period of unpaid leave to do the course if you agree to return and complete at least X-number of months afterwards? It wouldn't be ideal, but at least you know you'd have your income back after the 4 months and can take your time to find the right role in your new field.

Does the course provider have some stats or examples of what jobs people were employed in after completing this course ?

I've just spent 16 months doing online coursework and study aids, watching youtube videos and reading books on the subject and he knows this. So why would he say it now, after all this time, when I'm potentially right on the verge of starting
To knock your confidence and make you waver/doubt yourself as it's all starting to become a bit too "real" for him and not just hypothetical?
He's the insecure one with issues, not you, please don't be put off your dreams because of his shitty attitude.
Go for it 💐

Do it. Your DH expressed an opinion but it's no more valid than anyone else's and possibly less valid than someone who isn't impacted by your decision.
I remember when I was thinking of changing career and my then bf said he didn't think I'd get the job I'd decided to apply for. I still applied for it. Got the job and had an absolutely brilliant time working in that field for years.
People close to us can put us in boxes. It means they don't know all we're capable of achieving and it means they can be emotionally invested in keeping us in those boxes.
As long as you know the family finances can support the change, then hand in your notice and do your course. (I'm assuming you have checked how many people have gone on to work in the industry and spoken to people in the field to make sure the course is well respected, etc.)

Ps don't make decisions under the influence of HALT (Hunger, Anger, Lonely or Tired). Provider should give you more time for major life decision!!

Well, firstly - grab it with both hands.

(I’m taking it at face value that it’s a useful course with a likely good outcome)

The people who run the course are giving you a free place which means they think you are good at it, and they know better than him.

What do you have to loose really? It’s a few tight months, and then either it works (and really why wouldn’t it) or you go back to what you’re doing now.

I would tell him that you think you will be good at it, thus you are doing it. You understand that he might have financial concerns, and you want to discuss that, but a free course offsets this somewhat so now is the time.

Then sit down w him and work out how best to manage it.

You do need to discuss the way he handled it, but focus on the practicals first, so you can get on with things.