To think this was a hurtful way for DH to kill my career change dream?

[NaTTate]

I've been holding the dream of retraining for a career change for the last 16 months, whilst working in a full time job that I took just to pay the bills. DH had seemed supportive of the retraining idea. He has no interest in the particular field himself, so he took a minimal level of interest in what I was doing or talking about with my research and plans, but he had seemed verbally supportive of them.

But then yesterday, after I'd suddenly and unexpectedly been offered a fully funded training place on the course I wanted and would need to hand my notice in at work this week in order to accept the place, he turned around and said "I don't think you should do it. I think you'd be really bad at it."

I'm so thrown and devastated by his comment that I don't know what to think or do. It's utterly crushed my confidence. Is it unreasonable for me to feel that this is not the way a partner who loves you should raise any concerns they might have about whether you are making the wrong choice? It was so brutal and said coldly and he then shut down all my attempts to discuss it together and has seemed distant and angry ever since.

Back story for context (sorry, it's long):

A couple of years ago I was heavily researching career ideas and especially careers suitable for retraining in at a later point in life (I'm late forties). I was feeling pretty desperate, having got myself into a niche London-based career that I couldn't carry on with once we had relocated for DH's work, which contributed to me deciding to be a SAHM for a few years - and then led to me feeling increasingly irrelevant and out of touch. A specific area of tech came up as something I felt interested in and I found a training course (bootcamp type course) that looked to be well run, well respected, had mentoring and support for students and had good results at helping them find jobs afterwards. To apply you had to complete an intensive set of training labs, to show that you had the ability and commitment. I worked really hard at it over several weeks, I found some of it difficult, but from the online discussion forum I could see that others were too. I completed it and passed. I received an offer of a place, but at the same time my desperate job search (which had been unsuccessful over a long period of time) suddenly threw up a job offer. A graduate entry level job, on less than I'd been earning a decade ago, but a starting point. It was in a field I'd considered but wasn't in the area of tech I'd been pushing towards. The tech course was going to cost £9k, income share agreements were available, but we were struggling financially and not able to meet outgoings so I took the job offer and arranged with the training provider to defer my place (they take on several cohorts a year) - thinking that I could give the new job a good shot, decide whether it had potential for a long term career with progression, and keep the other idea on the back burner.

I'm managing the new job but I'm not excelling in it, I don't think the role is overall a very good match for my skill set or the way my brain works and I don't think the field has good enough prospects long term. There are aspects that are good about the job - nice company culture and my practical day to day working life works well for us (job is remote). However, I'm already feeling a bit stuck, I'm finding the low pay without an obvious path to progress frustrating and confidence-denting. I'm going to be 50 next month and I'll be on £25k, it's not what I hoped and I'm scared I'm going to have a poverty-stricken old age. The idea that I might do the tech training course at some point in the next 12-24 months and move into that field instead has been keeping me going at times. I've been continuing to read books and do practice labs in that field, but not nearly as often as I'd intended, as my the workload of my job is high and I've been finding going back to full time work with a family taking almost every bit of spare time and energy I have.

Last week the tech training provider contacted me out of the blue to say they had some 100% funded places available, but there is only one cohort they can use them on (government funding with a deadline) and a place is mine if I want it. If I want to take the place I will have to had my notice in at work on Monday to be able to work my notice period and be free in time to start. Which feels daunting and sudden - hence me wanting to discuss it with DH. It will have big economic impacts on the family in the short term - it's a full time course so I wouldn't be earning for 4 months (plus however long it took to secure a job afterwards). So it's a big decision and will affect the whole family, DH is not in a high earning field, so it would be tight and a struggle. We would have to borrow to meet our living costs. The career field is in high demand and well paid so hopefully the earning potential in the future will be far better than anything I've ever had before, but it's obviously always a risk to quit a job in this way and it doesn't feel like I can just go off and hand in my notice and do it anyway without DH's support.

I've been reflecting on what he said and realised that I would never say that to someone who was talking about their plans and goals - not to him, not to a friend. I might bring up possible issues, skill sets versus areas that the person might struggle with. But I would never be broadly supportive for months and then suddenly come straight out and say "I think you'd be really bad at this" and then refuse to engage any further. I don't feel like a person who actually cares would say this to someone. That's what I'm particularly gutted about. It feels brutal and not loving and not a mature way for two adults to make any decision. I'm interested to know what anyone else thinks about this - would you be gutted if your partner said this to you in this way? Or would you welcome brutal honesty?

I've just spent 16 months doing online coursework and study aids, watching youtube videos and reading books on the subject and he knows this. So why would he say it now, after all this time, when I'm potentially right on the verge of starting? The time to bring up a serious concern was before now, it makes me think he didn't ever really think I would do it. He did mention a concern about whether it was a good fit for me once a few months ago, but from his comments I realised he thought that I would be basically doing IT support, which is not at all what the career path is, and I could wholeheartedly see why I'd be rubbish at that; so I briefly went over what the subject actually was and what the potential career paths would be, suggested he look at some of the training labs I'd been doing and I could show him more detail about career roles etc. He wasn't interested in doing that or learning more about the field, so he didn't, which is fine, but I thought he at least had a bit more understanding of the field and seemed broadly supportive again.

When I received this offer of a funded place, I wasn't 100% sure myself what I should do, there are so many factors to consider - possibly I should stay a bit longer in this job, commit more fully and see where it goes, or else save up more money and accept paying the full amount to do the tech course at a time that feels less sudden and is more planned for us as a family. Or perhaps I should
grab this chance while it's here? I really wanted us to be able to discuss all this together. And I feel like by just saying "I think you'd be really bad at it" he has just effectively shut down all discussion and wrecked my confidence and enthusiasm. Maybe I would be shit at it. It's really hard to tell from the outside (of anything) what the reality would be like. But I've spent hours and hours over several years looking into what I might be able to do and I haven't come up with much else - that I feel I'd be good at, or would want to do, or have time or money to retrain in at this stage in life, or that would be a career that would fit around DH's long and irregular working hours, that will see me to retirement age and beyond. And he hasn't come up with realistic alternative suggestions either. Or indeed shown any interest in finding out what this idea actually entails. My confidence was pretty wrecked at this point in life anyway. I felt this was my best shot.

AIBU to feel that this is a hurtful way for DH to have responded to me?

Do it and prove that morherfucker wrong.

Do it!

I can understand him being afraid of the short term financial side of things but waiting 16 months to tell you that means he can stfu about it now.

This is even worse as you already took a career hit to facilitate his career. So fuck him. Good luck at the new job!

Also see if your current employer will let you take an unpaid leave of absence. They might just go for it!

I'm so thrown and devastated by his comment that I don't know what to think or do. It's utterly crushed my confidence.
He intended it to.
It worked - you are now doubting yourself & feeling bad about taking just 4 months out to do your course.

Your H has no interest in or experience of your field. He therefore knows jack shit about how good you are going to be.
The course provider, however ... has expertise, & thinks you'd be so good that they have offered YOU the 100% funded place.

You took a career hit to relocate for your H's work.
You took several years out to support him & the DC, & are now behind in experience, salary, & where you wanted to be in terms of savings/pension/advancement.
He is actively trying to keep your options closed, & yes - his remark was cruel, unnecessary & ignorant.

I don't know exactly what is motivating his selfishness, but you don't need to understand whatever his ugly reasoning is - you need to make sure this golden opportunity does not pass you by.
Tell him it's not his decision, that you have taken a back seat for long enough, & that you are only in this position because you relocated away from YOUR niche London field to support HIS job choices.

It's your turn OP. Accept the place, & rebuild your career & confidence.

never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

It's utterly crushed my confidence.

It was a hurtful way to communicate. Could he be feeling fearful and scared about the changes this will bring in the short term? And possibly even more afraid of you becoming a success and overshadowing him. Not to excuse, but just to remind you that he's just lashing out.

It sounds like a brilliant opportunity, even with short term pain for long term gain.

Being offered a fully funded place means that the people offering the training think you have a very good chance of success. It's absolutely in their interest to offer funding only to people who are pretty much certain to pass and pass well.

What does DH know about it anyway? Is he actually trying to stop you or just not sounding supportive. Whatever, it's really his problem and not yours.

It may initially have felt like a bucket of cold water over your dreams, in the end it made you more determined to go ahead.

Think of this as your first challenge. Step up to it and have confidence in yourself. You will feel better equipped to overcome the next snd the next challenge.

Learning something new is challenging. Don't let anyone put you off taking up the opportunity of a fully funded place.

What are the stats for walking straight into a job at the end of the couse?

You will need a budget and agreement of how household and parenting chores will be shared. A timetable of when you get the chance to do your work. Mature students are known to do very well, often much better than they ever did at school exactly because they know their time is limited so are motivated to get on and be productive in the short time available to them.

Have a brilliant time learning and even more success in your new career. All the very best - you have got this.

I work in a large corporate. They are always struggling to recruit good people. I'd be happy to hear from you by PM incase I can signpost you to roles in Technology.

I'd love to 'pay forward' the good luck I had to be offered full funding for an 'convert into technology' course and have not struggled to find good jobs ever since.

Came here to say just this. Aside from all the other brilliant reasons to do it and excel at it and change your life, spite is a wonderful motivator.

Please don't let him scare you into rejecting this fantastic opportunity! The people who actually know what it entails think you'll be great at it!

I agree he doesn't like the idea of you having a career and future financial stability independent of him. You've been putting his career first for years and that's the way he likes it!

DO IT.

I work in technology (software development & cloud engineering background). It's an industry with massive skills shortages and likely to be a great investment - even if you have to pay full price for it, but the fully funded offer is great obviously.

The only note of caution would be that in IT there are a fair few fly-by-night training operators so make sure this isn't one of them, and that it's a reputable provider.

It's a field where you are likely to make a fair bit more than £25k though so if your DH is the insecure type... (ugh!)

This.

Put much more eloquently than I managed

Go for it, OP. Prove him wrong.

Bright side: you'll have a steady and stable career when you eventually divorce.

Do it, this chance won't come up again and if you don't do it now you never will. I suspect your husband is being a bit of a dick because
a) he has got used to your money in the family pot and is worried about finances
b) he didn't think you would ever actually do it so his previous 'support' was based on him thinking it was just a pie in the sky idea
c) he doesn't want you to end up earning more than him! Some men have exceptionally fragile egos and would rather put you down than for his status as 'breadwinner' to be threatened

I admit I haven’t read full op but this.

I'm curious as to why you gave up your London career to follow your husband for his job when he's such a shit earner. Makes no sense.

I think your husband feels threatened that you'll make more than he does.

That’s not brutal honesty, it’s plain nasty.
He can’t possibly judge whether you’d be good at it anyway, unless he works in the same field as you and has direct knowledge of your performance in your work, neither of which are true.
I reckon he’s jealous. You have an opportunity for career progression and higher earnings, and he doesn’t like it. You gave up your previous career AND relocated for his work. He should be supporting you now.
Please do it, with or without his approval. You’ll regret it if you let this brilliant opportunity pass you by and be left with your confidence dented even more.

Surely if his concerns were financial he would have said so, not just 'I don't think you'll be any good'? Which leads me to think other PP's are more likely right, this is more about him not wanting you to be the higher earner/financially independent of him, which makes him an arse.

Please take the place on the course OP, you will 100% regret it if you don't. Your DH will just have to get a handle on his insecurities, and if he doesn't you will need your independence even more. If you don't do it resentment is likely to affect your marriage anyway and then you could be left completely high and dry without a decent job/career to fall back on.

I'm in a similar position to you, looking to retrain in my late 40's, so I know how precarious your self confidence will be. You need to be furious at his lack of support and let that anger make you more determined, it's ironic that I'm just watching the episode of Friends with the

'Wind Goddesses' book, do not let your DH steal your wind!

You must must must do the course! Good luck.

Precisely. Why?!

So he works long, irregular hours and isn’t well paid? Well someone needs a better plan. It might as well be you!

He’s allowed to have a point of view of course but he is unreasonable to bring it out at the last minute and then refuse to engage.

Is it FDM? My dh decided against it as you could end up anywhere after the initial training. We'd just bought a house so the timing wasn't right for us.

However, whatever company it is, I'm sure you've thoroughly looked into it and weighed it all up. This was a bit shit of your dh to drop that.

Please do the course.

His behaviour is atrocious. If he was worried about money, he could have said that and discussed options like you taking a weekend job while he cares for the kid and house or him taking on extra work for a few months to support.

Instead he deliberately sought to crush you lr confidence and hold you back.
That's why he won't talk about it - he has nothing constructive to say and knows silence is very powerful when someone else has been crushed

If he was a good man he would be seeking to raise you up not put you down.

I think he was mean and deliberately hurtful.

If he said he was concerned about finances, or it's a great opportunity so can you both both sit down to find a way to make it work then that would be understandable. It's cruel to watch your partner work towards something for over a year and when a good opportunity arises tell them they're going to be rubbish.