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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be angry about this - dd left out group/party

877 replies

Lago1 · 30/10/2022 01:15

So a bit of background, my daughter is a lovely, yet shy and reserved child, who has been dancing for a few years with a group of girls and has grown in confidence around them. One particular girl, she sees as a good friend and they share another hobby which they do weekly together. This morning at dancing she hears some of the others discussing a sleepover and asked in front of the mum if she can join and the mum says of course. She comes home excited and gets her things ready, then I received a text 15 minutes before I was due to drop her off saying I'm sorry dd doesn't want her to come. Now I know maybe she shouldn't have asked but it was nice to see her confidence and she would have not even considered that her friend didn't want her there and probably thought of it as an oversight. There were no excuses made, and not even any effort to try and protect her feelings in this all. I am so sad for her. Aibu to feel really pissed off?

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Original poster
Lago1 · 30/10/2022 01:17

They are 12 just for a bit of added context.

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Aquamarine1029 · 30/10/2022 01:20

There were no excuses made, and not even any effort to try and protect her feelings in this all. I am so sad for her.

How does your daughter know this unless you told her?

OriginalUsername3 · 30/10/2022 01:20

The mum really shouldn't have agreed but you also should have intervened and suggested she plan her own sleepover and invite her friends, rather than allowing herself to invite herself. You wouldn't do that would you?

Deadringer · 30/10/2022 01:22

Of course you are pissed off at your dds feelings being hurt, but the girl having the sleepover didn't invite her because she didn't want her there.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 30/10/2022 01:25

I could understand her inviting herself at maybe 6 years old , but not at comp 12.

SnarkyBag · 30/10/2022 01:25

Oh dear awkward and uncomfortable all round. Sad for your dd but I guess the mum figured there was no way to sugar coat it. I imagine she was kicking herself for saying yes as she felt a bit put on the spot. What excuse could she realistically have made?

AltroVinoPerFavore · 30/10/2022 01:28

It's a tricky one. The mum shouldn't have said yes but maybe felt put on the spot. I think the girl shouldn't have to have people for a sleepover she doesn't want sadly. Any excuses would have been pointless and probably better to be honest but I can see it's harsh from your POV. I think it's your job to protect your daughter's feelings now. Hope your DD is ok.

ImustLearn2Cook · 30/10/2022 01:28

That was a really shitty thing that mum did to your daughter.

Ok, probably a lesson learned not to invite yourself to a party you haven’t been invited to but it would have been kinder for that mum to have said no in the first place.

And that mum was cowardly to txt you. She should have called and apologised to your daughter for saying yes when she is now saying no.

Cw112 · 30/10/2022 01:34

That's rough for your dd and sucks that you now need to be the one to let her down. The mum probably agreed out of the best intention but it sounds like something might have happened that's caused this other girl to feel that strongly about her not being there which is her right since its her sleepover. Could you contact the other mum on another day when you're feeling calmer about it and say listen, I understand you were put on the spot but I'm just a bit worried about how dd is getting on, could you be honest with me and tell me why your dd didn't want her there has something happened in the group or are they not getting along? She might say that it's because she's so quiet or something that's not a great reason so I'd be prepared for that beforehand but it might give you a better insight into the dynamics of the group she's in? It sounds like the other mum hasn't picked up on there maybe being an issue either until the last minute. It's gutting for your dd but I'd want more info if it were me.

Original poster
Lago1 · 30/10/2022 01:36

My dd invites said child to everything so I did tell my dd the truth as I have always taught my dds that you can't pick up and drop you friends as and when suits, and maybe she needs to prioritise other friendships.

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ImustLearn2Cook · 30/10/2022 01:37

And I understand completely why your dd asked if she could come because she felt like part of the group and they were discussing the sleepover. She’s 12 and she might have not known it was an invitee only party.

That mum might not have realised that as well which is why she responded with of course you can come.

But she really should have rung up and explained that she made a mistake and was very sorry but her daughter only wanted people she invited to come. It would have softened the blow a bit if there was an apology.

Original poster
Lago1 · 30/10/2022 01:40

I did ask and was told its just how preteen girls are and they will probably be best buddies again next week. I have other children and I know first hand that some can maybe be a bit bossy or takeover, but the child we are talking about it so easy going, I just couldn't understand what she has done so wrong to make the other child feel so strongly. The timing was such a shame as she had bags packed and ready to go.

OP posts:
ImustLearn2Cook · 30/10/2022 01:41

Lago1 · 30/10/2022 01:36

My dd invites said child to everything so I did tell my dd the truth as I have always taught my dds that you can't pick up and drop you friends as and when suits, and maybe she needs to prioritise other friendships.

Fair enough op. I think you are handling it well. If the other girl accepts invitations from your dd but isn’t reciprocating then it’s not a healthy friendship.

Itisbetter · 30/10/2022 01:49

Awe poor girl. This is exactly why we have “manners” and know we shouldn’t invite ourselves to things, but it’s a really harsh way to learn that lesson. Really you should apologies to the other mum for your daughter putting her in such a difficult situation and (assuming it’s accepted) put the whole thing behind you. Your daughter made a mistake nobody needs to feel ashamed or embarrassed.

Original poster
Lago1 · 30/10/2022 01:50

Thank you, I agree, I just think if roles were reversed I would speak to my dd about why, and explain how friendships should be permanent not just as and when it suits, and try and encourage her to be welcoming as I wouldn't have it in be to uninvite a 12 year old 15 mins before they were due to arrive.

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Sometimeswinning · 30/10/2022 01:51

Lago1 · 30/10/2022 01:40

I did ask and was told its just how preteen girls are and they will probably be best buddies again next week. I have other children and I know first hand that some can maybe be a bit bossy or takeover, but the child we are talking about it so easy going, I just couldn't understand what she has done so wrong to make the other child feel so strongly. The timing was such a shame as she had bags packed and ready to go.

That's heartbreaking. Any parent who doesn't feel like this is obviously like the mother who messaged you.

My 12dd would have been upset but she'd have tolerated my decision (I know this because similar has happened recently) Luckily for me She's a nice kid. I've learned to keep out of the planning now!

Smineusername · 30/10/2022 01:53

That's really horrible. How is your daughter?

Original poster
Lago1 · 30/10/2022 01:55

She keeps things to herself, so seemingly ok, but have had a little snoop and seen a message to her so called friend asking if she had upset her... the reply was not your just not invited

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Itisbetter · 30/10/2022 01:55

I wouldn’t do it either @Lago1 but I would guess there has been a LOT of discussion for her to have left it so late and maybe there’s a reason she can’t share. Either way it’s beyond your control and you and dd will be ok. If they’ve not your sort of people a less close relationship is probably a good thing.

Justcallmebebes · 30/10/2022 01:56

Horrible for you both and I'm so sorry for you . This is the truly painful part of parenting. Your children get hurt and your heart bleeds for them

Smineusername · 30/10/2022 01:58

Yeah I don't think I would have uninvited on my daughter's behalf. If she's that intent on excluding her friend I would have let her do the explaining. Really horrible for your daughter and I don't think she did anything wrong

AltroVinoPerFavore · 30/10/2022 01:58

Sorry @Lago1 but your child wasn't uninvited because she wasn't invited. The mum was put on the spot. And it's unfair to blame the other mum. You don't know what conversation she has had with her child, maybe her DD felt strongly for whatever reason. Maybe that girl is having her own difficulties and just wanted those other friends for a good reason? You don't know. Was the other mother to make her own dd's night worse just to make yours better? This situation wasn't of their making. I feel sorry for your DD but it's not on the other family, your DD shouldn't have asked to go.

XelaM · 30/10/2022 01:01

Sometimeswinning · 30/10/2022 01:51

That's heartbreaking. Any parent who doesn't feel like this is obviously like the mother who messaged you.

My 12dd would have been upset but she'd have tolerated my decision (I know this because similar has happened recently) Luckily for me She's a nice kid. I've learned to keep out of the planning now!

Show quote history

This. I have a very opinionated 12-year-old who didn't like a particular girl in her school who was desperate to be friends with my daughter and there were occasions where I forced her to meet up with this girl because I felt so bad for that poor girl. This would have been an occasion where I would have told my daughter that she simply couldn't disinvite her friend 15 mins before the sleepover. No ifs or buts. Anyone who thinks it's ok to do this to a child (or adult) is awful in my view.

OP - I completely feel for you and I would encourage your daughter to make other friends. This girl (and her mother) are not nice.

PearsInASalad · 30/10/2022 01:07

If they get on well and there's been no fallout then could it be the other girls who don't want your DD there? Maybe DD's friend is just pandering to a queen bee type or trying to get in with a more popular group?

Either way she's a shit friend.

Original poster
Lago1 · 30/10/2022 01:15

I know every parent thinks their kid can do no wrong, but honestly my dd is so laid back and gets on with everyone (I have other kids who I can't say the same for so its not just me being biased), so I can't see why anyone would be so strongly opposed to her being there. I've had conversations with the mum in the past about how difficult my dd finds it to open up to people and let her guard down, so the mum knows how hard she could take something like this, which makes it even more hurtful, as the mum knows it's going to be a huge confidence knock. If the situation was with my younger, boisterous, bossy child I could understand more why the child might not want them.

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