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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be angry about this - dd left out group/party

877 replies

Lago1 · 30/10/2022 01:15

So a bit of background, my daughter is a lovely, yet shy and reserved child, who has been dancing for a few years with a group of girls and has grown in confidence around them. One particular girl, she sees as a good friend and they share another hobby which they do weekly together. This morning at dancing she hears some of the others discussing a sleepover and asked in front of the mum if she can join and the mum says of course. She comes home excited and gets her things ready, then I received a text 15 minutes before I was due to drop her off saying I'm sorry dd doesn't want her to come. Now I know maybe she shouldn't have asked but it was nice to see her confidence and she would have not even considered that her friend didn't want her there and probably thought of it as an oversight. There were no excuses made, and not even any effort to try and protect her feelings in this all. I am so sad for her. Aibu to feel really pissed off?

OP posts:
Jennybeans401 · 30/10/2022 06:22

I think it's not nice to send the text 15 minutes before you dropped your dd off. I think she must have known her dd just wanted certain people at the sleepover.

Your dd might now want to give this girl a wide berth, just until this all blows over. Your dd will make other friends who she has a better connection with.

illiterato · 30/10/2022 06:25

Apologies If I’ve missed it but how many girls were invited to the sleepover and how big is the wider group of dance friends? Because if she just invited a couple of girls out of a group of, say, 8, and not included your dd then I don’t think that’s terrible of her. Just because you’re good friends with someone doesn’t mean you have to invite them to everything you do. However, if it’s a case of this girl accepting invites but never reciprocating then potentially there’s an issue and the friendship is somewhat situational or one sided.

I think both discussing the sleepover in front of people not going and your dd inviting herself can be attributed to pre-teen social clumsiness. The mum really should have closed it down then though rather than saying yes.

i remember a similar situation when I was 12 ( this thread needs a trigger warning 🤣). I was v much the spare wheel in a group of three. When the other two had a weekend play date for the third time without me I wised up to the fact that I needed to diversify!

Russell19 · 30/10/2022 06:25

Lago1 · 30/10/2022 02:08

I know this isn't directed at me, but the situation im describing is different as the other girl is happy to accept invites from mine and accept lifts to another shared hobby - if your happy to do those things it seems a bit unfair to have such a strong desire to not reciprocate, and do something you know will hurt your friend.

No more lifts OP. I'd text the mum and say
'As DD is very upset about the sleepover situation I don't want to make things awkward for her by having to share lifts anymore, sorry'
But maybe I'm petty.

Notsoglamanymore · 30/10/2022 06:26

There’s a lot of blaming your DD in this thread, she’s 12 for goodness sake, i don’t think we can really blame her for not being aware of social construct and inviting herself. It’s not as of she invited herself to a sleepover with a load of girls she didn’t really know well, these girls appear to be a little group.

OP I’d be furious in your position, whilst I agree that no child should be forced to invite another child into their safe space that they don’t want there, I think this applies most in terms of kids being picked in then made to invite the bully to birthday parties etc, in this instance if that had been my child I’d have explained that they can’t just not invite one member of a small group because they just don’t want them there even though there appears to be no reason for it, that is awful behaviour, excluding and bullying at its finest.
i would do as another poster suggested and speak to the mum and try to dig a bit further, failing that I’d kindly explain to child that they might be better off concentrating on other friendships.

TheaBrandt · 30/10/2022 06:26

Urgh sympathy op. They are bastards. However you might need to be the bigger person and keep your ranting to yourself to preserve dignity.

Had similar though younger one mother hosted her dds party then all bar 2 girls stayed on for a sleepover. Birthday girl crowed about the sleepover during the party. Dh went to collect as requested. He returned home with a face like thunder and a sobbing 10 year old. Dd said through tears she would have preferred not to have been invited at all than go through that. How lovely as a family to send your guests home that miserable.

Four years on I still hate that woman. Secretly, as she’s vaguely in our friendship group so I’m polite to her face but actually I f*ing hate her for facilitating that.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 30/10/2022 06:27

Tbf I probably wouldn't be angry with her friend, you've said yourself that she is a quiet girl, this friend probably keeps her afloat.

When you have a shy friend who you carry in situations it's awkward when you want to enjoy other friends independently.

It's sad for your DD. I understand that it is hurtful my own daughter is awkward and shy around people she has been left out of the bigger group things.

They're not her people.

illiterato · 30/10/2022 06:29

TheaBrandt · 30/10/2022 06:26

Urgh sympathy op. They are bastards. However you might need to be the bigger person and keep your ranting to yourself to preserve dignity.

Had similar though younger one mother hosted her dds party then all bar 2 girls stayed on for a sleepover. Birthday girl crowed about the sleepover during the party. Dh went to collect as requested. He returned home with a face like thunder and a sobbing 10 year old. Dd said through tears she would have preferred not to have been invited at all than go through that. How lovely as a family to send your guests home that miserable.

Four years on I still hate that woman. Secretly, as she’s vaguely in our friendship group so I’m polite to her face but actually I f*ing hate her for facilitating that.

Ugh- that’s terrible. I’m not a fan of two tier bday parties but as a max I’d allow 1/2 sleepover guests so that the non sleepovers were the big majority and all talk of the sleepover was banned at the main party.

AloysiusBear · 30/10/2022 06:29

This type of behaviour is manipulate. You do notice that the girls who are worst for this often have a parent who is facilitating it (usually mum). Its a continual cycle.

Your DD shouldn't have invited herself. But In my house, the girl would have been told no, it was nasty to exclude a friend 15 minutes before & no, she wasn't doing it, because I too tell my children you don't pick up & drop friends constantly, and that you think about other people's feelings.

This girls mother did not do that, she sent the message for her disinviting someone. That parenting tells the daughter its ok to do this because mum has done it. Et voila - she will grow up to continhd the cycle.

Museya15 · 30/10/2022 06:30

If it's how you say it is, that is terrible and that kid is no friend of your daughters.

Selttan · 30/10/2022 06:33

Yes it was rude of your daughter to ask for an invite but it was also rude of all the girls to talk about an event in front of her that she wasn't invited to.

I hope your daughter cools the friendship a bit as it doesn't seem like an equal friendship.

MassiveSalad22 · 30/10/2022 06:39

Your daughter gets along with everyone, but finds it hard to open up and let her guard down? Seems like a bit of a contradiction there. Sounds a lot like me too, so I have sympathy. It’s just that if your guard is up then that can make other people feel uncomfortable, so even if you feel like you get on with everyone, they may be uncomfortable around someone who is a bit awkward like that? Just speaking from experience! She’s only 12 so I wouldn’t fret yet! Just needs to be a bit more carefree maybe. And not invite herself to parties 😄

Obki · 30/10/2022 06:42

Lago1 · 30/10/2022 02:08

I know this isn't directed at me, but the situation im describing is different as the other girl is happy to accept invites from mine and accept lifts to another shared hobby - if your happy to do those things it seems a bit unfair to have such a strong desire to not reciprocate, and do something you know will hurt your friend.

I would stop giving her lifts from now on. Is this a weekly arrangement?

Nameandgamechange123 · 30/10/2022 06:43

This is awful. I can't believe the mum would behave like that. I hope your daughter is okay. 🙁

XelaM · 30/10/2022 06:48

HereIfYouNeedMe · 30/10/2022 06:17

What was the reply?

Show quote history

The reply is in the OP's post that you quoted

tenbob · 30/10/2022 06:52

AloysiusBear · 30/10/2022 06:29

This type of behaviour is manipulate. You do notice that the girls who are worst for this often have a parent who is facilitating it (usually mum). Its a continual cycle.

Your DD shouldn't have invited herself. But In my house, the girl would have been told no, it was nasty to exclude a friend 15 minutes before & no, she wasn't doing it, because I too tell my children you don't pick up & drop friends constantly, and that you think about other people's feelings.

This girls mother did not do that, she sent the message for her disinviting someone. That parenting tells the daughter its ok to do this because mum has done it. Et voila - she will grow up to continhd the cycle.

This is when it’s useful to remember there are 2 sides to any story

It is also possible that the other girl was in floods of tears saying that she didn’t want this girl coming, because she had upset her in some way, and the mum made the call herself to send the text in order to reassure her daughter than her home and party would be a safe space.

Of course she could just be a bit of a madam but we have no more evidence for that than that OPs daughter has done something to upset her or another guest previously

HereIfYouNeedMe · 30/10/2022 06:54

@XelaM it's says the reply was not 'you're just not invited' maybe typo then... wondered if the other girl had a better excuse. Girls are bloody horrible I remember the feeling well from school OP!

Motnight · 30/10/2022 07:04

ShandaLear · 30/10/2022 03:18

Your DD shouldn’t have invited herself. The mother shouldn’t have agreed then backed out at the last minute.

This.

The friend didn't invite Op's dd, for whatever reason. It doesn't make her a bad person. The mum was obviously put on the spot and then had to backtrack.

At 12, girls' friendships are all consuming. There are daily fall outs and dramas.

NOTANUM · 30/10/2022 07:07

I find it easier to leave the kids to themselves at secondary so the woman’s intervention is surprising. The requesting an invite is pretty normal I’d say as young teens don’t respect social norms at all but are past the point you will stage manage their friendships/events for them.

I would hesitate before criticising the kid though. Teens are more forgiving than us and I’ve had to stand by astounded when friendships continued or were rekindled a year later.

Littlebean123 · 30/10/2022 07:09

I haven't had time to read the whole thread so sorry if somebody has already said this.
Prehaps it is one of the other girls who was invited that has remarked on not wanting your DD there? Kids can be cruel and prehaps your the girl having the sleepover has been pressured into saying that she does not want your DD there by another child going?

Just a thought...

EmeraldShamrock1 · 30/10/2022 07:13

@TheaBrandt 😥That was a horrible party.

GingerScallop · 30/10/2022 07:14

Lago1 · 30/10/2022 01:50

Thank you, I agree, I just think if roles were reversed I would speak to my dd about why, and explain how friendships should be permanent not just as and when it suits, and try and encourage her to be welcoming as I wouldn't have it in be to uninvite a 12 year old 15 mins before they were due to arrive.

Am sorry you and your daughter are hurting. But I also think telling your daughter friendships should be permanent isn't exactly safe advice. Perhaps also discuss with her about not inviting herself to events she hasn't been invited to. It was after all the other 12 year old's event and asking her mum was your daughter trying to get around that. And when she came and told you she has invited herself over, that would have bee a time for a talk and may be a call to the other mum to check out the situation?
As for other mum, may be she didn't even know her daughter felt that strongly when she said of course your dd could come.
Hindsight is 20/20 all around

MamaToOscar · 30/10/2022 07:15

Lago1 · 30/10/2022 01:15

I know every parent thinks their kid can do no wrong, but honestly my dd is so laid back and gets on with everyone (I have other kids who I can't say the same for so its not just me being biased), so I can't see why anyone would be so strongly opposed to her being there. I've had conversations with the mum in the past about how difficult my dd finds it to open up to people and let her guard down, so the mum knows how hard she could take something like this, which makes it even more hurtful, as the mum knows it's going to be a huge confidence knock. If the situation was with my younger, boisterous, bossy child I could understand more why the child might not want them.

Often these things aren’t anything to do with the non invitee. I remember myself how complex my friendships at that age could be. There was often jealousy surrounding relationships. It could be that one of the sleepover friends is jealous of your daughter’s relationship with sleepover friend and has insisted she (your daughter) doesn’t go. It could be a myriad of (silly and childish) reasons. From what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like it’s anything your daughter has ‘done’ per se.

I wouldn’t waste your energy trying to get into the mind of 12 year old girls!

Sadly humans can be twats, even 12 year old humans. Something we all have to learn about. This is your daughter’s first lesson. She won’t invite herself anywhere again, which is possibly a good life lesson, but equally, she will learn that people can be mean but v often, that’s because of their own issues, not hers.

LunaMay · 30/10/2022 07:16

I've been both girls at around that age. A group of friends where we all liked each other well enough but some were only tolerated because of their friendships with others in the group. See it often on here with adult friendship groups as well.

I think it would also depend on the sleepover and how much planning had gone into it, an off the cuff sleepover is a bit different and usually when my friends would invite others/ask to join.

One thing i will say OP if she has already sent a text to this girl please monitor that tonight as you dont want her to continue texting and risk inflaming the situation worse with a group of girls being awful to her - 12 year old group mentality can be awful and cause kids to act unlike themselves

KatherineJaneway · 30/10/2022 07:16

she had no inclination the other girls wouldn't want her there.

@Lago1 Well she did have an indication as she wasn't invited in the first place. Had the other dd wanted her there, she would have been invited.

The hard and painful lesson in all this for your dd is that should not have invited herself. I suspect the other mum said yes, thinking it would be OK but at home her dd said no to your dd's attendance. I suspect more back and forth hence the last minute drop out and in this case that mum put her dd's feelings first.

I feel terribly sorry for your dd as it is an awful feeling when these things happen 😞

MamaToOscar · 30/10/2022 07:17

Littlebean123 · 30/10/2022 07:09

I haven't had time to read the whole thread so sorry if somebody has already said this.
Prehaps it is one of the other girls who was invited that has remarked on not wanting your DD there? Kids can be cruel and prehaps your the girl having the sleepover has been pressured into saying that she does not want your DD there by another child going?

Just a thought...

My thoughts too