Aibu to be angry about this - dd left out group/party

[Lago1]

So a bit of background, my daughter is a lovely, yet shy and reserved child, who has been dancing for a few years with a group of girls and has grown in confidence around them. One particular girl, she sees as a good friend and they share another hobby which they do weekly together. This morning at dancing she hears some of the others discussing a sleepover and asked in front of the mum if she can join and the mum says of course. She comes home excited and gets her things ready, then I received a text 15 minutes before I was due to drop her off saying I'm sorry dd doesn't want her to come. Now I know maybe she shouldn't have asked but it was nice to see her confidence and she would have not even considered that her friend didn't want her there and probably thought of it as an oversight. There were no excuses made, and not even any effort to try and protect her feelings in this all. I am so sad for her. Aibu to feel really pissed off?

Is it possible this child is ND?

My own experience of a child with poor social skills and lacking the ability to understand banter was that it was part of their ND.
They took a very policing tone with others.
Hope it's OK to ask that ?

OP you’re classist! I was supportive earlier but i think your disgusting views may be picked up and parroted by your daughter. Poor kid she’s paying the price for being born to a classist. To me classism is the same as racism.

I would say definitely not. The DD just sounds like a very well brought up young girl who shows empathy towards others. She is only 12 and still learning about relationships and social skills and her mum seems very caring and sensible in guiding her through this. (Poor DD has been vilified for asking if she could join in with the sleepover and her mum has explained numerous times that she apologised for this. The child will be unlikely to do that again i.e. learning from her mistakes!) She does not have to lack understanding of banter to not like it. If the banter is where the girls are making fun of each other etc. then not everyone is comfortable with this as it can become very personal, very quickly. I too, would ask people to stop this if I felt uncomfortable and I am certainly not ND. I am not having a go at you here, just giving my opinion.

I would imagine the Op would answer that question as she/ he is the child's parent.

I was describing my own DD btw

I agree - Classism hurts on all levels.
Middle class kids get ripped apart and teased and it’s also far from polite for Middle class to call people “ Chavs” .

One thing I have noticed- The very upper class are similar to the lowest class in that neither gives a flying fuck what people think of them.

A local( ish) Lord from an aristocratic family could pass as a homeless person- despite their obscene inherited wealth.

@Sisisisi

I would imagine the Op would answer that question as she/ he is the child's parent.

I was describing my own DD btw

Fair enough. I did not mean to cause any offence. I just would have thought that by the age of 12, ND would have been apparent for some time and had this been what DD has, then the OP would have surely mentioned it. I just think it is 12 year old girls doing what 12 year old girls do!

Possibly yes but my own DD was not diagnosed until 12 and her female cousin was 13.
Girls often mask.
It may well be the usual 12 year old friendship stuff but thought it might help to ask.

OK so being vague clearly doesn't work- banter is hair colour.
The word chav was certainly not meant as a classist term- I've already said it was the wrong word to use and we are very working class with much less money than the other family.

Op the more you say about the girls the less likely they seem to be a true friend of a child that is gentle and quiet. She is with the wrong set of friends, the quicker you can help her extract herself out, the better. There is no future in a bantering, loud and brash bunch of pre teens/soon to be teens with a young girl that is sweet and sensitive and gentle by nature.

Aww bless her I feel for your daughter -why was she not invited in the first place and why did they not want her there? There is no reason for ostracism - the mum should have just told her daughter to suck it up - not inviting her in the first place was bullying and then to leave her out intentionally and tell her that was happening is downright cruel. They are not her friends - tell your daughter the truth and let her meet some new real ones. Can't believe some of the responses on here. Mean girls. Better without them..

I do think that posters are overreacting about Op's daughter not being invited.

We know that the other girl rarely reciprocates & now know that they aren't getting on particularly well.

She wasn't the only one not invited.

That's not being ostracised or bullied!

Why do you keep saying the same thing over and over again.
It is really worrying.

Why do you keep saying the same thing over and over again.
It is really worrying.

😂😂😂😂😂😂

If someone wears prison grey all over they are a chav plain and simple.

I personally think you sound quite horrible and a bit classist - she’s ‘a chav?’ So I mean I’m surprised you would even accept an invitation to her home given that you clearly think badly of this child.

Draw a line under it. Your perfect wonderful naive little lovely girl would NEVER treat a friend with anything other than perfect consideration regardless of her own feelings, and you openly consider the child a ‘chav.’ So your child not attending this child’s party sounds like a good idea in any case.

I agree with this. Get her away from those mean girls. Stop the rides. Your daughter can find nicer friends who welcome her into their group. I’m rolling my eyes at many of the replies on this thread. Regarding those mums who think it would be fine to treat a “friend” like this all I can say is, “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”.

bantering, loud and brash bunch of pre teens/soon to be teens
^^This description is perfect, my poor choice of word previously has changed the whole focus of the thread.

I am lucky enough to have a loud, brash, bantering girl. The amount of times she has been in tears because her quiet, polite, shy friend has made her feel shit... Can we please stop bitching about children and realise that none of them will be all good or all bad.

Loud. Brash. Whatever. It takes all sorts but shocked at how quick people are to judge. Never have I wished the other mother had joined the thread more.

@AltroVinoPerFavore so do I have one of those! (Other daughter) I make sure she knows when it's appropriate to banter and to be mindful of other people's feelings - if someone had asked her to stop taking the piss out of their hair colour I sure as hell would be making sure she knew she had taken it too far. If she was being disruptive and rude at a class, again I'd make sure she knew the time and place.

I was the ultimate loud, brash teen and quiet friends bored me. I wanted disruption and rebellion and they wanted to get their homework done on time.
It was not intended to be insulting. Loud and brash is not an insult when it comes to teen but a rite of passage for many of us.
The quieter girls tended to flock together, and went on to have amazing careers were sensitive and kind. Some of us spent more time at parties by the time we reached mid teens that we perhaps should have done.

We all turned out just fine in the end!!

I am simply saying to op it sounds like dd is with the wrong crowd for her, she is never going to find sensitivity etc there, they want tons of banter some of it clearly offensive and loud sleepovers and soon I am sure, the rest of teen life in time. Neither one is wrong, they just are not well suited. I would be pulling her away and redirecting her friendships towards girls that share the same outlook and values.

The more you post, the more it sounds like dynamics would not be that great had she attended.

OP, I understand it was very upsetting for your DD and obviously for you but you do come out very judgemental towards friend’s mum. First of all pre-teen relationships are like that, just because you didn’t experience it, doesn’t it mean it is wrong. Pre-teen girls often fall out and then become friends again. Maybe your dd is different but it is pretty normal. And of course her mum prioritised her dd’s feelings, if her dd didn’t want your dd to come, she wouldn’t want to spoil her party by insisting on your dd attendance. Yes, she enjoyed coming to your house before but now she doesn’t want to do it. You somehow expect her mum give a lesson to her dd and upset her because it is not nice to cancel, but remember your dd wasn’t invited in the first place and friend’s mum might have not realised it was intentional when she said your dd can come. It could be that they went home, her dd told her she didn’t invite your dd on purpose and she shouldn’t have said yes, her mum tried to persuade her, but when she realised how strongly her dd feels about it she sent you a message and probably that’s why message came so late.
I also think you should let dd decide how their friendship further develops. If she wants to invite this friend over you shouldn’t prevent her from doing so whatever happened this time.

its no one’s fault really. She shouldn’t have asked the mom. The mom shouldn’t have said ok. It’s just awkward all around. But I do think it’s better the mom wrote you. Although she absolutely should have apologized and took all the blame. If she had gone, the girl would have told everyone her mom made her, and your daughter would have been left out or even told outright. I think it’s better for you to explain as someone that lives her rather than her peers who wouldn’t have been gentle (even if they weren’t trying to be mean it would have hurt). I think your idea of looking out for your daughter only is not bad but maybe change it to treat others the way they treat you. She and you don’t need to be nice to those girls but don’t write off others or treat others like this without reason. Good luck to you.

I think that there are really two different issues. One is that your dd was left out. Disappointing, but it happens at times to us all. The other is the nasty and capricious way in which it was done. That was totally unacceptable. Though, as pp have pointed out, better than if she'd gone to the sleepover and ben bullied there.

Your daughter made a tiny mistake in asking, but that's what it was, tiny. She has learned a harsh lesson about what maybe is a mean girl in the making. She won't make the same mistake, you've talked it through with her. It is hard for you to witness your daughter's rejection, but it's nothing to do with her, but the other girl. The mother was wrong in leaving the disinvite so late, possibly she was trying to negotiate with her daughter, but realised she was losing the argument. Her daughter may have been being pressured by the other sleepover guests to refuse your daughter. Don't underestimate how mean girls can be, pastoral head speaking here - boys just fight, then are friends, girls torment, blank, cast glances, intimidate, gossip, spread rumours etc & it can go on for months. Give your girl a treat and continue to support her in your loving way.