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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to be angry about this - dd left out group/party

877 replies

Lago1 · 30/10/2022 01:15

So a bit of background, my daughter is a lovely, yet shy and reserved child, who has been dancing for a few years with a group of girls and has grown in confidence around them. One particular girl, she sees as a good friend and they share another hobby which they do weekly together. This morning at dancing she hears some of the others discussing a sleepover and asked in front of the mum if she can join and the mum says of course. She comes home excited and gets her things ready, then I received a text 15 minutes before I was due to drop her off saying I'm sorry dd doesn't want her to come. Now I know maybe she shouldn't have asked but it was nice to see her confidence and she would have not even considered that her friend didn't want her there and probably thought of it as an oversight. There were no excuses made, and not even any effort to try and protect her feelings in this all. I am so sad for her. Aibu to feel really pissed off?

OP posts:

Summerof22 · 30/10/2022 02:49

I agree with others that maybe some other girl didn’t want her there and the sleepover girl might be pandering to a ‘popular’ girl.

also agree that your daughter shouldn’t have asked to come along, but as you say, they were talking about it openly and it didn’t cross her mind that they wouldn’t want her there.

In my opinion, and that’s what I would do, if the sleepover girl and mum are good people, there might be a sleepover invitation coming along to make your daughter feel better.

if that doesn’t happen, i would consider it a sign that the other girl doesn’t care about your daughter’s feelings and is not worth the friendship.

I’m trying to teach my daughter some self worth and telling her that she shouldn’t be a doormat and not everyone is worth her while.

lastly, I think the mother has found herself in the middle of this and is probably mortified.

AllosaurusMum · 30/10/2022 03:05

was the sleepover the whole dance group excluding your dd? Or just a few?

ShandaLear · 30/10/2022 03:18

Your DD shouldn’t have invited herself. The mother shouldn’t have agreed then backed out at the last minute.

Wanttobefree2 · 30/10/2022 03:22

Horrible mum, horrible kid, your daughter did nothing wrong asking if she is part of the group already.

The mum is really unkind to do that, when your daughter asked she should have said no (or even 10 minutes later messaged and said so sorry we don’t have enough room). 15 minutes before is just nasty. Sorry this happened to you.

DoubleBuggyDriver · 30/10/2022 03:30

Lago1 · 30/10/2022 02:08

I know this isn't directed at me, but the situation im describing is different as the other girl is happy to accept invites from mine and accept lifts to another shared hobby - if your happy to do those things it seems a bit unfair to have such a strong desire to not reciprocate, and do something you know will hurt your friend.

She’s 12 years old. You’re talking about her as if she’s 16/17 and this was some move that’s been plotted for the last 6 months.

I understand that they’re good friends but for whatever reason, she didn’t want your DD there. Maybe she wanted more time to bond with her other friends, maybe her other friends didn’t want your DD there or maybe she simply just didn’t want to invite her this time.

It’s a bit shit that the mum only texted you 15mins before but it’s also a bit strange that your DD asked her mum if she could come along. I understand mentioning it to the friend saying, ‘Am I invited too’ or something like that but obviously it’s going to be more awkward for the mum to respond. I don’t really think anyone did anything wrong other than the mum texting last minute

CJsGoldfish · 30/10/2022 03:36

OP, your dd wasn't invited. She tried to insert herself into a situation that she wasn't a part of.

I'm one to always think about other people's feelings, so maybe I need to learn to prioritise my own children's feelings like the other mum clearly has and not try to always be so accommodating to making sure others aren't hurt
Obviously you are way nicer than everyone else. Is that what you are saying? You prioritised yours, she prioritised hers but somehow you frame it as if she is the 'bad' one. Such PA bullshit. 🤷‍♀️

GhastlyBoo · 30/10/2022 03:40

This would have really annoyed me op.

I would not be inviting that 'friend' to anything anytime soon.

Of course the mum would have known that cancelling 15 minutes before hand would cause a lot of disappointment for your dd.

BadNomad · 30/10/2022 03:44

Are the other girls not your daughter's friends in the same way? If this is a different friendship group, then it's understandable that your daughter wasn't invited to this particular sleepover. It doesn't mean she was left out. I'm sure your daughter does things with other friends that does not include this dancing girl. You need to explain to her that it's normal to have different groups of friends, and that it's rude to ask for an invite to something you haven't been invited to.

JennyJenny8675309 · 30/10/2022 03:53

Lago1 · 30/10/2022 01:50

Thank you, I agree, I just think if roles were reversed I would speak to my dd about why, and explain how friendships should be permanent not just as and when it suits, and try and encourage her to be welcoming as I wouldn't have it in be to uninvite a 12 year old 15 mins before they were due to arrive.

I agree with you, OP. This is a group she has been part of and the thought that she would be deliberately excluded didn’t occur to her. If my daughter was having a sleepover and excluding one friend who would normally expect to be part of the group, I would cancel the whole thing. I’ve witnessed enough of this type of behaviour to not want to host it in my home.

heartbroken22 · 30/10/2022 04:06

I'd send her a text and tell her the truth. I would have said great thank you for being so courteous 15 mins before my daughter setting off. Just letting you know how upset my daughter is I wouldn't wish this on any teen girl. You've really been inconsiderate in the way you've handled this. Then have a party and make sure you don't invite her dd.

heartbroken22 · 30/10/2022 04:07

It's isolation and bullying. Make sure you tell her that.

BlackberryCat · 30/10/2022 04:16

I think it was a difficult situation and poorly handled. The consequences will most likely be that you will be less likely to invite her to stuff or give lifts.

MossGrowsFat · 30/10/2022 04:18

friendships should be permanent what?? So you would expect you dd to stay friends with someone that makes them unhappy?

I need to learn to prioritise my own children's feelings like the other mum clearly has and not try to always be so accommodating to making sure others aren't hurt

Honestly stop with the BeKind bullshit, stop expecting girls to put others before themselves all the time.

ImustLearn2Cook · 30/10/2022 04:25

This is a group she has been part of and the thought that she would be deliberately excluded didn’t occur to her.

I think that @JennyJenny8675309 is making a valid point. I don’t think that your daughter inappropriately invited herself. And I think some pp are being a bit harsh about your daughter simply asking a group of her friends if she could come too.

merrymelodies · 30/10/2022 04:29

This is an excellent opportunity for your DD to learn some basic social skills. It's a hard lesson but a necessary one.

BadNomad · 30/10/2022 04:31

Are they a group of her friends, though? The OP only mentions her DD inviting that one girl to everything. Nothing about the others. Maybe the other girls invited each other to things, then other girl spends time with OP's DD at other times.

onlythreenow · 30/10/2022 04:35

I really can't believe how many on this thread seem to think this is okay behaviour!! If I had been the Mum of the other girl I would have just said tough luck, she is coming and you will just have to deal with it - we all have to do things we don't like now and again. I would also be pointing out that she and her friends were rude to talk about an event someone hadn't been invited to in front of that person.

If, and this wouldn't have happened, I had given into my DD's childish whims she would have been phoning your DD herself to explain. No wonder there are so many selfish young adults around these days with parents pandering to them.

CJsGoldfish · 30/10/2022 04:35

heartbroken22 · 30/10/2022 04:07

It's isolation and bullying. Make sure you tell her that.

No it isn't and it helps no one by claiming it is 🙄

Guavafish1 · 30/10/2022 04:41

These situations will arise again as your daughter enters her teen years.

She will need to learn to navigate her feeling and social situations through these adolescent times. This is a good learning experience, thou painful… I can’t imagine this will be last experience of rejection.

The mother was wrong to invite your daughter without checking with the host and wrong for messaging 15 mins before the sleep over.

But equally I think your daughter needs to learn about self invitation…maybe she could have discussed it with the host first rather than the mother.

Friendships maybe fickle over the next few years. You’ll both need to develop thicker skins and learn to handle rejection in a positive manner.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/10/2022 04:44

What did you respond to the mum? I’d feel like sending something measured perhaps along the lines of “next time x has a sleepover party and doesn’t invite all of her friendship group, please could you ask her to not discuss it excitedly in front of everyone as it has caused little Lago a lot of upset”. I always made a point to tell my dd not to be mega excited about her parties so as not to upset those, who weren’t invited.

Had I been the mother, I’d not have rescinded the invite. That was far more rude than a tween asking if she could join in the fun. But then I never would have allowed my dd to exclude your dd in the first place. Some parents take a very hands off approach once the children reach secondary. In my experience, they still need a fair amount of guidance in year 7. My dd and her friends were like headless chickens for a while at this age, super sensitive and being hurt at the smallest slight.

Can you do something really nice with your dd today or take her and a friend somewhere? When my dd was being bullied and not invited to a particular girl’s party, I took her out and we did something nice together.

Itsallok · 30/10/2022 04:48

Its rude to discuss a sleepover in front of anyone who is not invited but could be hurt by the conversation. You do not invite yourself to things - I would have taken the opportunity to explain to your DD that no-one is invited to everything. Friendships are not forever and they can move around a lot of this age - and will do for the next few years.

Teeturtle · 30/10/2022 04:48

Lago1 · 30/10/2022 01:46

I'm glad atleast some of you agree it was mean. She had hours to cancel, but left it until the last minute, with us literally about to leave, bag / sleeping bag ready. I'm quite suprised at how many have focused on my dds mistake it asking to tag along, as some have said she felt part of the group, and felt comfortable asking as she had no inclination the other girls wouldn't want her there. I just don't get it, as an adult I wouldn't tell a friend they couldn't come but understand preteen girls think differently.

It is a very unfortunate situation, but your daughter is old enough to know that you don’t invite yourself to things and you need to help her to learn that lesson. I would simultaneously encourage her to step back a little from that friendship and encourage others.

The mother was put on the spot and presumably didn’t think it would be a problem, she was later informed that it was and had to deal with it. You don’t know how long she had to do this, but I very much doubt that she deliberately left it until fifteen minutes beforehand in order to intentionally more upset your daughter. She more likely had about the same amount of notice as you. So yes you are unreasonable to be pissed off, no you are not unreasonable to be sad and disappointed.

RedHelenB · 30/10/2022 04:49

I think your dd was a bit rude asking the mum if dhe could go. It was obvious she wasn't invited because the girl in question hadn't asked her. Had dd asked the girl herself if she could come?

Rinatinabina · 30/10/2022 04:54

Your DD shouldn’t have invited herself, theres a difference between saying can I play with you now and inviting yourself to a party or get together (really painful as a parent to see this obviously). The mum shouldn’t have said yes to only cancel later. The girls shouldn’t have been discussing it infront of her. You don’t need to give this girl lifts or invites as she’s not your DD’s friend.

It’s a minefield, it’s heart wrenching being a parent.

RedHelenB · 30/10/2022 04:58

Lago1 · 30/10/2022 01:46

But she was never supposed to be coming. I bet the mother tried hard to persuade her but for whatever reason she wanted the INVITED girls to come which didnt include your dd.

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