Aibu to be angry about this - dd left out group/party

[Lago1]

So a bit of background, my daughter is a lovely, yet shy and reserved child, who has been dancing for a few years with a group of girls and has grown in confidence around them. One particular girl, she sees as a good friend and they share another hobby which they do weekly together. This morning at dancing she hears some of the others discussing a sleepover and asked in front of the mum if she can join and the mum says of course. She comes home excited and gets her things ready, then I received a text 15 minutes before I was due to drop her off saying I'm sorry dd doesn't want her to come. Now I know maybe she shouldn't have asked but it was nice to see her confidence and she would have not even considered that her friend didn't want her there and probably thought of it as an oversight. There were no excuses made, and not even any effort to try and protect her feelings in this all. I am so sad for her. Aibu to feel really pissed off?

I can see some less-than-ideal manners on both sides. The OP's daughter shouldn't have invited herself to the sleepover. However, not offering an invite to someone you are getting a favor from (the lifts) seems a bit "off" unless there is a backstory about the OP's daughter being mean or a bully or something. And having offered the invitation, the other girl's mum should have stuck to the decision, and if her daughter protested, she should have been told "We're committed to inviting her now; we can't just take back an invite at 15 minutes' notice."

I would stop the lifts. I wouldn't flounce or anything, just say something like "It seems like our daughters aren't getting along and I don't want to feel like we are pushing ourselves on you, so I think it's best if we don't give you a lift from now on."

I’m surprised that a “shy and reserved” 12 year old would be confident enough to go and ask the mum to join the sleepover. I suppose the mum felt put on the spot and said yes.
Friends come and go but the ones worth having will always be around.

Unfortunately it's done and it's sad for your daughter it may just be a case of the girl only wanted really close friends there. Have a chat with your daughter and explain not to be asking people for things as it puts people on the spot and then why not organise a sleepover for your daughter at your house?

It’s horrible OP. Your daughter did nothing wrong, apart from being a little naive maybe. At 12 years old it’s better to be naive than mean.
I think the situation was handled badly from the start. I wouldn’t allow my daughter to organise a sleepover, that would be discussed at the activity in front of one girl, that wasn’t invited. Particularly, as your daughters also do another activity together. It doesn’t sound like your daughter has done anything wrong to this other girl, she has just fallen out of favour. This is where, as parents, we take the lead and make sure our kids don’t leave others out on a whim.

There are plenty of parents out there, who don’t give a shit about anyone else’s child except their own. If their child is invited and doing well that’s all that counts. Be ready though, because when they need your help or their daughter is struggling they will be the first to use you and your daughter. Yes, bitter experience.

I have an 11 yesr old and kids are always asking if they can join plans or come over. Particularly in a big group who see each other regularly through sports

I cannot believe people are focusing here on the 12 year old. She was excited and asked to join something.

In no world do you cancel an excited child at the last minute. I would never allow my child to treat a friend like that. 12 is still young snd i would make my child honor the arrangement.

Children who are allowed to exclude and be mean to others will grow up mean

I think some of these responses highlight why some kids are so entitled and don’t seem to consider others feelings as important. There are millions of situations in life where you have to accept different people. She doesn’t hate the OPs DD she just would prefer to have the others to herself and the mum is allowing her daughter to behave in a very mean and cruel way. Maybe the OPs DD shouldn’t have invited herself but once you’ve said yes you can’t change your mind.

I’m so sorry for your and your daughter. It must feel so sad for you both. Can you plan something fun to do with her to distract her?

From the other perspective - my daughter has a friend who is also very shy, has a hard time opening up and who relies on her a lot. She loves this friend but also does need some space sometimes and to spend time with other friends because she feels quite an emotional responsibility for this friend when they are around. As you are focused on your daughter and protecting her feelings, maybe the other mum is doing the same?

I would say at this age, kind children can do unkind things and it often has nothing to do with anything significant. I would try to downplay it for your daughter while also validating her feelings. Keep an eye on the friendship and make sure your daughter can always tLk tk you x

Ds hadn’t been invited to all kinds of things for all kinds of reasons. He wouldn’t invite himself. It’s clear you aren’t invited if there was no invite.
I suspect the mum felt put on the spot and spent the afternoon negotiating with her dd. It wasn’t kind but it wasn’t mean. Leaving it to the last minute wasn’t great admittedly.
If you are now considering stopping lifts etc as payback, well, that’s your choice. There won’t be any coming back from that.
Friendships at 12 aren’t permanent. Friendships ebb and flow. I invited children to parties when Ds was younger that I knew were lonely/ difficult to be kind. I’m not sure they always enjoyed it but it was meant with positive intent. I wouldn’t tell Ds he had to include a child unless he was suddenly leaving out a best friend.

As a mum of a 12 yo girl i would NEVER DREAM of adding extra people to a planned sleepover.

Your dd should have asked her friend, not her friend's mum. Why didnt she? At that age it is really odd to approach the mum not the friend.

Personally id just say to your dd "well, blagging an invite from someone's mum at the last minute doesn't always work. Bad luck. When you see her next, play it cool and ask nicely how the sleepover wss and say, 'next time id love to come, if youve got room!' . Just don't make a big fuss. Pre-teens hate needy/clingy friends and being cool about it will probably help.

My dd has lots of friends but she doesnt invite every single friend in a group to every single sleepover. Firstly our house isn't big enough (we can really only fit 3 people comfortably in her room; 4 if we remove some furniture). So any more than 3 guests means either the sleepover is in the lounge or 2 girls have to go in the spare room and is a totally different "experience".

And there are loads of reasons my dd might want certain friends - one of DD's friends refuses to play games and just wants to do makeup. Some friends come over to sing along to certain musical movies. My dd plans a "vibe" and a group that will have fun. If i invited some random extra she'd be exasperated.

One thing i will say OP if she has already sent a text to this girl please monitor that tonight as you dont want her to continue texting and risk inflaming the situation worse with a group of girls being awful to her - 12 year old group mentality can be awful and cause kids to act unlike themselves
very much agree, hopefully wouldn't happen but last thing that would be good for dd is a text battle with dd and a group of girls.

@Lago1 you should have stepped in the minute you heard your daughter had asked. Explained to your daughter you should never ask for an invite and say you'll contact the mum to see if it's OK

I think that's it.

Should have told the Mum that obviously her daughter wouldn't be coming as she wasn't invited.

It's obviously a one way friendship if the other girl never reciprocates.

I agree. She needs to prioritise other friendships. No matter what, they’re only little. This wasn’t a reception at Buckingham palace. So she’s invited herself to a sleepover-& to the girl she regularly included and prioritised.
Early lesson in life. She will learn to manage difficult situations in life through these tough moments. That’s when we grow.
This must hurt. Forgive and focus on other friendships and hobbies! Always have hobbies..
sending love to you both. Walk the higher ground. You deserve love and you belong💕

That’s really mean.

I don’t think your dd was rude I can imagine my ds sayonf oh I will come assuming he too had been invited. Why would he think otherwise if the friendship appeared close

I would encourage your dd to make other friends

I agree. She needs to prioritise other friendships. No matter what, they’re only little. This wasn’t a reception at Buckingham palace. So she’s invited herself to a sleepover-& to the girl she regularly included and prioritised.

Early lesson in life. She will learn to manage difficult situations in life through these tough moments. That’s when we grow.
This must hurt. Forgive and focus on other friendships and hobbies! Always have hobbies..

sending love to you both. Walk the higher ground. You deserve love and you belong💕

The other child is not obligated to ask your DD to every sleepover/meetup she has. She allowed to see people without your DD being there.

Would you rather that the mother told your DD No in front of all the other kids and parents when your DD asked?

This, I'm afraid.

Exactly…

You should of stepped in when you heard her asking to be invited, that is really rude in itself putting the mum and their DD on the spot like that.

So I think YABU sorry. Tell her to focus on her other friendships but I'd have a word with her that she shouldn't be inviting herself to other peoples houses/parties/sleepovers. It's not fair on the other person.

I think there may be things you don't understand in the dynamics. Perhaps all the other girls do another activity together, or are at school together, so the intent was about them as a group rather than a dancing group. At 12, some may just be starting periods or chatting to boys, so there's the confidences situation at sleepovers too. Your DD really can't be invited to everything for everyone in every friendship group, nor invite them all to all of her activities. Think how that would work, how many would you need to have at a sleepover? It's a shame about the last minute cancellation, but just explain to DD that the mum must have misunderstood what the girls were up to. It'll help her in future if she can recognise there are many reasons not to be invited, and be relaxed about it. If one of those reasons is that the girl doesn't actually like her, then fine cut her off, but when it's one event I'd just leave it.

I know this isn't directed at me, but the situation im describing is different as the other girl is happy to accept invites from mine and accept lifts to another shared hobby - if your happy to do those things it seems a bit unfair to have such a strong desire to not reciprocate, and do something you know will hurt your friend.

I would stop offering the lifts and invites immediately. Your daughter can focus on her other friendships now. That's all you really can do. Unfortunately this is something that will likely happen again at some point in life. It's horrid, but these girls clearly were not her friends, at least not in the way she thought.

Also.

Friends come into your life for a reason, a season, or the rest of your life. They drift and ebb and flow. They aren't permanent.

It's really shit to be left out, I hope your daughter is doing ok, OP.

Telling you by text 15 minutes beforehand is appalling - imagine if you hadn't seen the message and still gone along to be turned away at the door. The mum should have called at the very least (and a lot earlier) to be certain this wouldn't happen.

I agree with others, I get the impression that another girl/girls who are attending were having some input as to whether your dd could come along or not, and sleepover girl is trying to keep them happy. Either way, would be wise for your dd to focus on other friendships, I think.

I'd nix the favours you do for this other DD and their family for a while so that your DD doesn't have to spend anymore than necessary time
in other DDs company as she will be feeling hurt and raw.
No lifts for her. Other mum can take her there and back.

I agree. Don’t let yourself be a doormat for mean girl and her mum.

I'd be hurt for your child too, should have cancelled earlier if a mistake was made with a softer approach. My daughter had a similar experience and i thought hard about whether to tell her the whole truth about her friend, I decided to as I want to teach her to value loyalty. They get on ok still but will never be the same again.