Aibu to be angry about this - dd left out group/party

[Lago1]

So a bit of background, my daughter is a lovely, yet shy and reserved child, who has been dancing for a few years with a group of girls and has grown in confidence around them. One particular girl, she sees as a good friend and they share another hobby which they do weekly together. This morning at dancing she hears some of the others discussing a sleepover and asked in front of the mum if she can join and the mum says of course. She comes home excited and gets her things ready, then I received a text 15 minutes before I was due to drop her off saying I'm sorry dd doesn't want her to come. Now I know maybe she shouldn't have asked but it was nice to see her confidence and she would have not even considered that her friend didn't want her there and probably thought of it as an oversight. There were no excuses made, and not even any effort to try and protect her feelings in this all. I am so sad for her. Aibu to feel really pissed off?

I understand my dds wrong doing in asking to come, but after that they were all excitedly chatting about it, with no indication of her not being welcome. But I completely get she was wrong for doing that but still it hurts.

You don't know what went on at the other end. I imagine the mum said yes in the moment, without really thinking it through, and then had to deal with her DD pointing out (quite fairly) that that wasn't entirely her mum's call to make. And since your DD was a bit presumptuous in inviting herself, I think it's fair enough that the whole thing hasn't entirely revolved around her feelings and the mum has allowed her DD some agency on who is invited to her sleepover.

No it wasn't handled perfectly, but I would assume this was an unfortunate series of events rather than anyone deliberately hurting or excluding your DD. Lessons learned all round, just move on.

She’ll have learnt now not to invite herself to things. It doesn’t matter why she wasn’t invited, and it may not be a reflection on their friendship - the other girl is allowed other friends! I’m sorry she’s been hurt but I think I’d be downplaying things really. If their relationship is otherwise fine i’d leave it.

I'm wondering if the reason is because having your DD there would change the dynamics of the sleepover. If your Dd isn't that friendly with the other girls then maybe that's the reason her friend doesn't want her there. Which is fair enough. 12 is a bit too old to be inviting yourself to a party and unfortunately she'll now understand that it can make things pretty awkward.

Thanks the varied responses have helped me see it from other perspectives, but protective mum mode kicks in when your child is hurt and I'm one to always think about other people's feelings, so maybe I need to learn to prioritise my own children's feelings like the other mum clearly has and not try to always be so accommodating to making sure others aren't hurt.

I can understand your dd feelings were hurt but she should not invite herself. My daughter has sleepovers with specific friends because some of her friends wouldn't want other friends coming they don't know well or best buds with. The mum hasn't done anything wrong here. She was obviously put on the spot and then her dd made it clear she hadnt invited your dd. You put her in an awkward position. That's not on. Your daughter should learn from this now, not to do it in future.

I really feel for your daughter feeling left out, and you feeling hurt for her. But please downplay it (without dismissing her feelings) it will help her in the long run.

My mum would get irate whenever I was “slighted” during high school, and in fairness she had reason, but having to deal with her indignation on top of my own feelings didn’t exactly help matters.

The indication of her not being welcome is that she wasn’t invited! It’s a horrible life lesson, but that’s all there is to it

Just awful behaviour.

That child is not nice.

Nice children don't do that.

I think whilst it is upsetting, there is nothing to be gained from saying anything but the truth.

That you too are surprised and clearly she isn't as nice or as fond of her as you thought.

I would advise your daughter to focus on other relationships and suit herself.

Self respect is important.
We teach people how to treat us and it is important for her to learn that she doesn't have to accept behaviour that she doesn't like.

Years ago something similar happened in my daughters class age 10.
The little girl was very hurt.
Her mother was very blasé about it, girls will be girls etc..

As it happened this hurt childs mother brought them to activities 3 days a week🙄after school, and her daughter said she didn't want that to happen any longer.

Her mother sent a text and said whilst she absolutely accepted that her daughter had no entitlement to be invited, she no longer wished to provide lifts.
She then received an invitation which they declined.

There was murder and thats when I heard about it.
The mother described it as very petty etc.

The parents that spoke about it to me had zero sympathy for mother or daughter and said it was a lesson in consequences.

The mother had clearly, conveniently, forgotten just how obliging the mother had been.

I had zero sympathy for her and thought they were absolutely right to halt the arrangement if that was what her daughter wanted.

As the mum said, she hadn't a notion of having an atmosphere in the car and her priority was her daughter, and she didn't want her in the car anymore.

In this situation I blamed the mother 100%.

She should have pointed out the reality that she was getting lifts 3 times a week and there might be upset and consequences.

Her mother really fxxked up IMO and she was unable to continue the activities.

As is often the case the girls got over it within a couple of weeks because they were in school together but were no longer close.

@Lago1 I bet it was some flouncy child who didn't want your daughter there, who put pressure on for your DD not to go.
pre teen girls can be not very nice, sadly.
Definitely try to make different friends.

but honestly my dd is so laid back and gets on with everyone (I have other kids who I can't say the same for so its not just me being biased), so I can't see why anyone would be so strongly opposed to her being there.

Maybe this is the reason.

The other girl might be jealous that your daughter gets on with everyone and doesn't want the limelight stolen. It's insecurity on her part.

I had a girl in my daughters class do what your daughter did (when.DD was about 8/9) and I said she could come. She wasn't invited, but I didn't have the heart to say no. I couldn't uninvite ...I wouldn't do that to a child.

In this case the mum tried to make the best of the situation but her daughter clearly didn't want her there.

It is very hurtful but it is also very import to admit that we don't always get invites to everything and that is life.

But if you include her daughter in a lot of things, perhaps its better to focus on others friends.

It was mean of the other girls to be talking about the sleepover in front of your DD. If it were me I would have insisted your child could come because my child had spoken about it in front of her.

I had this exact situation happen to me when I was 13 and given it was being openly spoken about in front of me, I rang the other girl and asked if I could come. She covered the phone with her hand and asked her mother what she should do (I could still hear) and the mother gave her daughter a right telling off for being so mean to discuss it in front of me and that of course I should come. I still can’t quite believe I stood up for myself like that as it was very out of character but actually it all worked out and we ended up being very close friends down the track.

I'm glad atleast some of you agree it was mean. She had hours to cancel, but left it until the last minute, with us literally about to leave, bag / sleeping bag ready. I'm quite suprised at how many have focused on my dds mistake it asking to tag along, as some have said she felt part of the group, and felt comfortable asking as she had no inclination the other girls wouldn't want her there. I just don't get it, as an adult I wouldn't tell a friend they couldn't come but understand preteen girls think differently.

it reads like another member of the group who had already been invited insisted that your daughter didn’t attend and as they had been invited first they then were accommodated. Very disappointing for your daughter but female friendships tend not to be inclusive at this age and some people carry that behaviour forward (unfortunately).

the mum of the friend obviously likes her and has had to backtrack for another reason. If you can ask your daughter to treat it lightly, be honest with her emotions but let it go too. Important to aim for a few friendship groups so that this sort of behaviour can be diminished rather than escalated (and not give people who behave this way control).

@XelaM wow so you forced your child to repeatedly spend time with a child she didn't like just so you could consider yourself a nice person. Have you ever thought that what you were doing wasn't kind to your own child? I had someone at school desperate to be my friend - we had no shared interests, they were immature and disruptive, and they tried to stop my other friendships. Have you ever considered that your daughter had a good reason not to like this other child?

I wonder if you would do the same if you had a colleague you didn't like. Would you force yourself to hang out with them after work if they wanted to? Or does bekind only apply to your poor daughter?

Luckily, we already have multiple friendship groups, I just worry the dance situation could be awkward / difficult. As a one off I suppose I just need to let it go, but keep an eye on things and if the leaving out becomes a trend may need to consider making changes.

I imagine it was left until the last minute to let you know because she spent all the intervening time desperately trying to persuade her daughter to let your daughter come. And finally when it was clear her daughter wasn’t going to relent she contacted you.

It’s an awful situation, horrible for you and your daughter. And I’m sure horrible for the other girl’s mum too but if her daughter was insistant, for what ever reason, she didn’t want your daughter there, then I think she probably had to respect that.

I though I know it won’t make up for it I hope you and your daughter can do something nice together. It heartbreaking and I am sorry.

I know this isn't directed at me, but the situation im describing is different as the other girl is happy to accept invites from mine and accept lifts to another shared hobby - if your happy to do those things it seems a bit unfair to have such a strong desire to not reciprocate, and do something you know will hurt your friend.

She didn’t disinvite the girl. The girl was never invited in the first place. And if we’re going to crack down on manners, it isn’t appropriate or polite to invite yourself to things. You wait for an invite or accept that you’re not being invited.

Personally, I wouldn’t force my kids to meet up with someone who was ‘desperate to be friends with them’ just because I felt bad. And on the flip side I wouldn’t want other kids forced to meet up with my child because their mum pitied my child. It’s not good for either child - if a child is struggling to make friends to the point of desperately wanting to befriend a child who isn’t interested, the answer isn’t forcing one child to meet up with the one they don’t like.

In this case op if I was you I’d have jumped in and stopped your daughter from asking for an invite. Failing that I think (upsetting as it is) if just needs to be accepted. Better she knows she wasn’t invited than goes along unwanted. Maybe have a look at whether it’s just this event that your daughter isn’t invited to - if she’s regularly left out it seems like she needs some new better friends!

However, you also don’t need to be a doormat - if this child’s mother is using you for lifts and letting her child enjoy treats and visits to your home then the girl doesn’t really like your daughter enough to reciprocate then they aren’t friends. And I don’t invite kids who aren’t friends with mine to play at our house. I don’t offer lifts to random children who aren’t even my kids’ friends. So you don’t need to do these things.

Yanbu
Yes I agree that was a unkind if the other girl.
I'd be inclined to suggest DD has a sleepover or an event herself- bowling, face masks and stuff at home? . Then not invite the other one girl. She can have a life lesson of how you treat others bounces back on you. And stick to your guns.

@XelaM I agree completely with what you’re said.

Even the girls all talking about the sleepover in the first place when OP’s daughter was there and hadn’t been invited was mean, I wouldn’t expected the party girls mum to have steered the conversation away and I’m sorry but once the mother had said she could come, she was invited.

So much for #bekind. I feel for you and your daughter OP. I would steer my daughter away from this “friend” and take her for a treat, meal out or something.

Poor darling. I feel for her. Mistakes on all sides but she is the one upset. Give her a kiss from me x

She really should not have invited herself. I think you could have handled it better from the start, your DD put the other mum on the spot and you could have put your DD off but you didn’t, you just let her invite herself where she hadn’t been invited which is a little bit rude and entitled. When my kids were young they’d have various sleepover combos with friends, sometimes a bigger group of friends or sometimes a smaller group, or maybe just a single friend. All of that is okay and it was really up to you to encourage your daughter to wait to be asked, not invite herself, and that it’s perfectly ok for friends to do things with other friends without her always being involved.