Aibu to be angry about this - dd left out group/party

[Lago1]

So a bit of background, my daughter is a lovely, yet shy and reserved child, who has been dancing for a few years with a group of girls and has grown in confidence around them. One particular girl, she sees as a good friend and they share another hobby which they do weekly together. This morning at dancing she hears some of the others discussing a sleepover and asked in front of the mum if she can join and the mum says of course. She comes home excited and gets her things ready, then I received a text 15 minutes before I was due to drop her off saying I'm sorry dd doesn't want her to come. Now I know maybe she shouldn't have asked but it was nice to see her confidence and she would have not even considered that her friend didn't want her there and probably thought of it as an oversight. There were no excuses made, and not even any effort to try and protect her feelings in this all. I am so sad for her. Aibu to feel really pissed off?

People on this thread who think it's more rude to ask to come along to a friend's sleepover when they are all part of the same small friendship group than to be excluded 15 minutes before the actual event, are so odd and frankly horrible! Back in the real world, parents should not stand by and allow a child to be bullied/excluded by her "friends". I have a girl the same age and sleepovers are often organised spontaneously with any number of friends from their circle deciding they also want to stay over. It's really not a big deal for OP's daughter to ask to also join the sleepover if they are all part of the same friendship group. What is unbelievably rude is to first say "yes" and then disinvite her 15 mins beforehand. It's totally unacceptable anywhere outside of Mumsnet.

I find some of the responses here quite shocking.
the mother should have said to her daughter that your dd was coming and she had to be polite to her.

secondly and more importantly your dd needs to learn about friendships and how to navigate. This ‘Friend’ needs to be dropped asap. I was your dd. I spent all my school and uni years in toxic unequal friendships and it was so damaging. Wish someone had just sat me down and said ‘if a friend isn’t very nice to you then…they’re not your friend.’

I think some PP haven't RTFT properly

Fact
Other dance girls and the Mum were talking about sleepover infront of OPs DD
Other dance girls were invited but not DD it's a small group
DD and this girl are close friends
DD asked if she could come - and the Mum said of course
(The mum could have replied "I'll check .," or any other adult phrase )
OP gives this other DD lifts to their mutual hobby and they hang out / play dates at OPs house
Mum waits until 15 mins before sleepover to trxt- not call and explain- that other DD doesn't want her to come

The whole things start to finish is cruel and unkind

• why exclude DD when it's a group of friends
• other DD happy to use DD for lifts and play dates and let her think they're close
• other mum saying go course

Then leaving if hours and hours later to check

• other mum leaving it to 15 mins before sleepover
• other mum texting not ringing to talk or explain
• Other mum not finding a white lie earthier - too many people / not enough room/ stuff already bought - that would have been kinder

Regardless of DD asking if she could come too WHEN THEY were talking about it in-front of DD who is friends with them all, the unkindness has all come from the other child but particularly her Mum.

It was cowardly not to ring and admit she'd messed up and that DD would be disappointed

I'd nix the favours you do for this other DD and their family for a while so that your DD doesn't have to spend anymore than necessary time
in other DDs company as she will be feeling hurt and raw.
No lifts for her. Other mum can take her there and back

Your poor dd, the other girls shouldn’t have been discussing their sleepover in front of her if they were all friends together. That’s just mean.

Completely agree. I’m baffled by all the sympathy for the other girl’s “poor mother” who must have felt so awkward and embarrassed but had “no choice” but to act as she did. Of course there was a choice.

I wouldn’t have allowed my 12 year old to exclude one friend like that either but if she really felt OP’s DD couldn’t come she should have handled the situation better.

Sending that message 15mins beforehand when she must have known OP’s DD would have her bags packed and on her way was appalling. She could have contacted OP straightaway after the dance club “So sorry, I miscalculated and DD has already invited 6 girls so there isn’t space for DD to stay. Would she be able to come another night instead/can I take both girls out to pizza and the cinema next week..?” There are so many other messages she could sent instead of that blunt text.

I think this is awful!
Your DD only asked because it was being discussed so blatantly in front of her.
The girls mother should have been explaining to her daughter that discussing plans in front of people who are not included is SO rude and try and help her understand how it would make her feel, shoe on the other foot. I've had girls at school do that to me when I've not been invited and they made a point of talking about it alllll week in the run up and is was such nasty awful behaviour I would never do that to someone (now or then) and I would be mortified to think my daughter was behaving like that. Even worse that it was in fact a deliberate exclusion (rather than an oversight). How can she justify discussing this in front of your DD knowing she definitely didn't want her to join?

If I were the other mother I would have said 'tough, I've invited her now, I didn't realise you didn't want her there since you were chatting about it excitedly right in front of her. If you want to keep things exclusive then that's a lesson learnt for future, you need to be more subtle. If you don't want her there tonight you will have to cancel the whole thing thought because she's invited now and it's not acceptable to exclude her at this stage"

If it's the whole dance class bar your daughter then it should never have been arranged because that's also horrible behaviour. No way would I arrange a work night out and exclude one member of the team? That's just bang out of order, nobody does that!

Your DD doesn't needs those bitches (mum included).

Thank goodness the last few posters have restored my faith in humanity. I don't know anyone in the real world who would act like this horrible mother and I don't know anyone who would think this is acceptable behaviour.

It was very mean of the other girls to chat about it in front of DD.
DD was wrong to ask if she could go
The mother was wrong to say yes without chatting to her DD
OP should have smelled a rat and should have suspected that they didn’t invite DD because they didn’t want her there ( perhaps a quiet word to double check??)
The mother presumably spent the rest of the day trying to persuade her DD to be kind. I think at this point it was wrong to cancel DD but perhaps by this point the other girls had decided to be unkind to DD if she came uninvited which would be awful .
Maybe in the end this was a mum trying to be kind.

Either way DD should take a break from this friendship

Oh OP what a hard, horrible situation. How hurtful for you and your DD. I don't think she did anything wrong by asking to be invited - it's a confident, natural response from a child. In my view the host did wrong by allowing discussion about a sleepover that your DD had not been invited to. All you can do is let your DD know that you are there for her at what must be a hard moment, and that you wouldn't behave like that and wouldn't want her to do so either. Hugs to you both.

Op there are two separate problems here:

1. The 'friend' had a sleepover, did she invite every girl from the friendship group at the dance class? Or just one or two? It is understandable if she could only fit in a few, but most definitely noted that she did not included your dd, but if the rest of the friendship group were not invited then that is worth considering. If indeed she invited everyone but your dd, then you have to acknowledge fully that it is a form of bullying and isolation. The talking about it in front of your dd is very mean. I would be questioning if that was the right environment for my child. Especially as it is just a hobby and very optional.

2. Your dd's response may well have been 'confident' but it was also ill advised. She has to learn to deal with poor behaviour with indifference. Perhaps on hearing about it, the right thing to do was to make her own arrangements with other friends and not care about the dance group quite so much.

Your response should be the same. It is very very poor form of the mother to cancel your dd at such short notice. No question. She sounds weak and not to be trusted. No doubt she felt your dd was being pushy.

Talk to dd about friendship, friendship should not feel exclusionary or painful. Good friends can be trusted to care about your feelings and usually do not behave this way. DD she is better distancing herself and focusing on better friends. I would be asking her how she feels at the dance class in general, and if she enjoys it, find out more about the other girls in the group. I found some groups like this to be a vipers nest of spite and didn't allow my dds to continue and would find kinder settings.

So the 'friend' would certainly not be getting anymore lifts, invites or favours from us full stop. You can pull right back without a word. I wouldn't reply to the text message either, just delete and move on. Or a simple short reply: 'That was very hurtful to cancel dd from xx sleepover at such short notice'

I would organise a separate sleepover for dd next weekend, probably with other friends and take her out or arrange something for today, and remind dd that this girl is clearly not her friend, and to distance herself, by being polite but distant.

Girls friendships at this age can be a hot bed of sadness and strong feelings. You can be the strong harbour for your dd by not getting emotional about it, step back and be the adult and show her to manage the horrid situations with grace and indifference. Sadly it is a life skill most women need to develop at some point or another.

I would encourage your DD to arrange something with other friends. This girl doesn't seem like a friend at all and I can understand why you're upset, op.

Those of you saying op should take her DD somewhere special are missing a trick!!

OP and DD should be getting icecream together tonight and then planning DDs sleepover (inviting dance girls..
That other DD isn't invited to .. or a completely different set of friends)

Let's hope it's a doozy

Here are my top tips for a girls pre-teen sleepovers at that age

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58 Party Props Photo Booth Moustache Birthday Engagement Wedding Funny amzn.eu/d/8KroquF £4.49 (they'll be napping away photos all evening)

Get nail varnish out all colours including see through (& remover) with some nail sequins

Kalolary 3 Boxes /36 Grid Holographic Heart Nail Art Sequins, 3D Heart Glitters Nail Sequins Colorful Confetti Glitter Nail Flakes Acrylic Paillettes for Valentine's Day Nail Art Decoration Makeup amzn.eu/d/41vLOlI (£5.99)

Do make your own pizzas for tea (buy large cheap cheese pizzas with bowls of grated cheese and ham pepperoni etc they can pile on more)

Then a film for later in the evening, everyone being a sleeping bag and voila - best sleepover ever

Why do people keep talking about a "friendship group"? The OP's DD doesn't invite the other girls to everything. She's only good friends with the one girl she sees twice a week. They aren't a group of friends.

It's a bargain right now (I meant)
All on sale ...

@BadNomad

Why do people keep talking about a "friendship group"? ... They aren't a group of friends.

That doesn't make sense
Of course it's a friendship group. A group of dance friends

I'm assuming you've never danced nor been part of a sports or other team .. as believe me, those girls (your team mates) are your friends, your dance group of friends.

They'll see themselves as a group a team like any sports team would

I think if it was me I would have stopped that situation at the source so if I was there when DD asked I would have said that you can’t invite yourself to things, and even if I wasn’t I would have explained it’s probably best to wait to go to a sleepover you’re invited to.

I would have further explained that people are entitled to invite who they want and not have others turn up. I would be supportive of feelings and also encourage DD to focus on other friends.

Kids are fickle and I remember being purposefully left out of things at that age, it’ll pass and she will be ok.

It's really not a big deal to ask to join a sleepover with your supposed friend when it is being discussed in front of you! The number of people who think this is a big deal must not have teenage girls. It's really not a big deal.

My daughter has one best friend, but a wide circle of other friends who all know each other through being part of the same horse riding club. There have been numerous occasions when her best friend was staying at ours, but one or more girls of the same group spontaneously also asked to stay over. It has never been an issue. There is nothing rude about OP's daughter's behaviour.

Then should the OP's DD not treat them like friends too and invite them to stuff and not just one girl?

She is allowed to be close friends with one particular girl and yet be part of the wider group of dance friends. They are not mutually exclusive things!

I would stop the lifts and stop inviting this girl to things (the girl’s mum probably begged her Dd to invite your Dd so she can still benefit from lifts and days out etc at your expense). If your Dd is friends with other people then she needs to focus on building a friendship with them. It’s around this age that girls learn about toxic friendships, the types that take but don’t give. Friends don’t discuss sleepovers and parties in front of the one girl who is excluded from it.

That’s really mean of the girl and even worse of her mum. If I’d been the mum I’d have told my daughter it was tough, your DD is coming. You can’t go back on an invitation at the last minute. Having said that, your DD shouldn’t really have asked to be invited. But then again, if the rest of the group were going, it was unfair to exclude your DD in the first place. Awkward all round really. But the mum is definitely the most at fault here. She should be teaching her daughter to be inclusive.

I can understand your upset - but maybe relax a little around your daughter’s friendships. Age 12, she should really be sorting out her own friendships not relying on her mother to police them. I’m not talking about things like bullying etc-obviously parents need to support that. My daughter had a friend she loved aged 12- the friend would pick her up and drop her line a hot potato depending on her mood and my dd was dreadfully upset. We talked about what friendship means and I said she needs to find better ones-which she did. However, the choice was hers-how do kids grow up taking control of their lives if their parents don’t step back sometimes?

I'm glad the DM was honest about it rather than letting DD attend and feel like a fool being left out at the sleepover.

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