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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I stingy? Boyfriend says i am?

390 replies

llpoolj · 29/10/2022 17:39

My boyfriend lives with me.
He earns £700 more than me a month.
He is always "skint"
He said he needed £20 for his phone.
So I said "il take it out of my savings account,just give me it on Monday when you get paid"
So then today he borrows another £10 and says so that's £310 I owe you Monday (£300 half of rent and bills )
I say no £330 ...£20 for phone too
He said "really ,your going to take that off me"
"I only topped up because you wanted me too"
(He didn't -he told me he needed to top up"
So he says "you know I would give you my last"
I said I buy you so much
I spent £10 buying him McDonald's today,I bought the food all week
I spent £170 last week on concert tickets for his birthday -then 2 hoodies for his birthday.
I reminded him of this and he says "no you can't class the tickets for my birthday -you wanted to go too"
I also bought us Xmas pjs for £30 two days ago

So how does he have the audacity to say I'm tight?
I just wanted it back to in my savings.
I'm feeling shitty and horrible now
I'm honestly not tight -I just don't want to get the mick took out of me

We go on holiday in two weeks
I've bought the sun tan lotion,after sun,case straps ,case locks ,luggage tags ,case scales,I bought him shorts for holiday and 2 tees and god knows what else

OP posts:
T1Dmama · 30/10/2022 23:29

My question would be … if he earns £700 more than you and doesn’t buy himself clothes where is the extra money going?!?
gambling/drugs/alcohol/cigarettes… I mean OMG this man doesn’t even have a phone contract…. Is that because he has poor credit… debts he hasn’t told you about?? There’s a lot more to this and I’d be demanding to know where all his money goes if he’s always skint and yet you can afford to buy him clothes etc despite being on a lot less than him…..
whatever his story I feel there’s something very dodgy happening here !!! I’d be getting rid and finding yourself someone who actually appreciates you and doesn’t abuse you financially and emotionally…. The way he’s treated you is appalling !!

Daffodilsandtuplips · 30/10/2022 23:30

llpoolj · 29/10/2022 17:43

@Itsallyellow22 he won't buy anything ,then he will complain that I have new clothes and he has nothing.
I can't win

Don’t buy him anything, let him buy his own clothes, if he moans about not having new clothes, ignore him.

Babysitter12 · 30/10/2022 23:35

There is his side of the story, convenient to forget what he pays for ie the big stuff !

AcrossthePond55 · 30/10/2022 23:41

My question would be … if he earns £700 more than you and doesn’t buy himself clothes where is the extra money going?!?
gambling/drugs/alcohol/cigarettes…

All real possibilities. But I know someone who is constantly 'skint', cries poor and complains about never having money. She puts every penny she can in the bank, denying herself even tiny, inexpensive treats.

To be fair she never asks to borrow or guilt someone into paying her way, she just declines invitations if it means laying out more than she thinks she can 'afford'. I believe in saving for a rainy day, but sometimes we have to treat ourselves on a sunny one!

So this cocklodger may just be socking it all away, content to let OP make it easy for him to do so.

Everyflippingusernameistaken · 30/10/2022 23:45

Kayansiere she did not ask for money for the concert tickets!

Everyflippingusernameistaken · 30/10/2022 23:47

He's a tightfisted leech. Get rid!

imacatmeow · 31/10/2022 04:15

Babysitter12 · 30/10/2022 23:35

There is his side of the story, convenient to forget what he pays for ie the big stuff !

Oh yeah? Did you text him and ask him?

KettrickenSmiled · 31/10/2022 07:54

Babysitter12 · 30/10/2022 23:35

There is his side of the story, convenient to forget what he pays for ie the big stuff !

OP has told us what he pays @Babysitter12 - £300 a month, which is half of all their household expenses. Except he often forgets that food costs money, & I suspect that OP does most of the food shopping.

MinnieGirl · 31/10/2022 08:29

He earns £700 more than you a month but can’t top up £20 for his phone?
Get rid of him now before he really gets his claws in.
Sell one of the tickets to a friend, or sell them both and treat yourself.
Take back the shorts and pjs
Take a friend on holiday, or cancel it.
Wait until he goes to work one day, pull a sickie and pack all his stuff into black bags. Have a good friend or family member with you for support. Change all your locks, and either take his stuff to his mums or phone him and say they will be outside the front door at midday. Then block him.

T1Dmama · 31/10/2022 09:03

AcrossthePond55 · 30/10/2022 23:41

My question would be … if he earns £700 more than you and doesn’t buy himself clothes where is the extra money going?!?
gambling/drugs/alcohol/cigarettes…

All real possibilities. But I know someone who is constantly 'skint', cries poor and complains about never having money. She puts every penny she can in the bank, denying herself even tiny, inexpensive treats.

To be fair she never asks to borrow or guilt someone into paying her way, she just declines invitations if it means laying out more than she thinks she can 'afford'. I believe in saving for a rainy day, but sometimes we have to treat ourselves on a sunny one!

So this cocklodger may just be socking it all away, content to let OP make it easy for him to do so.

Very possible. Either way sounds like he’s financially abusing OP

T1Dmama · 31/10/2022 09:04

Babysitter12 · 30/10/2022 23:35

There is his side of the story, convenient to forget what he pays for ie the big stuff !

Yes… but if you want both sides mumsnet probably isn’t the site for you

Imouttahere · 31/10/2022 09:17

Oh OP. I was you 20 years ago. It took 3 years for me to finally see the light by myself (DM you were right all along but I had to see it for myself)
I was constantly paying out for him. One year we went to Spain on holiday (paid for by me) he suggested buying a carton of cigarettes, sell them to his friends and put the cash towards my credit card for the holiday. A few days later I asked if he'd sold the cigs. He had. Sold the carton for £20 and spend the cash on himself.
I went to our local DVD rental place one night. Spent ages picking a movie, only to be told that there was a fine that needed paying first. Turned out, he had been letting his friends use my account and someone hadn't bothered to return a dvd on time. So on the face of it, he was a very generous friend. But the reality was he was taking from me and giving to his friends. Within 5 months of me finally ending it, he text me to say his new GF was pregnant. I took great joy in telling him 'cant talk now, I'm in Ibiza'.
OP, I hope you are seeing this cocklodger for what he is and realise that things will never get better or turn in your favour. You deserve so much better

ilukp · 31/10/2022 09:18

Babysitter12 · 30/10/2022 23:35

There is his side of the story, convenient to forget what he pays for ie the big stuff !

Please list the big stuff he pays for with evidence.

GreenSunfish · 31/10/2022 10:27

He’s taking the pi$$. Total free loader and then accusing you of being stingy. This is a narcissistic tactic to get you questioning yourself and buying him more to prove you’re not stingy. I would dump him.

Grrrrdarling · 31/10/2022 10:42

llpoolj · 29/10/2022 17:39

My boyfriend lives with me.
He earns £700 more than me a month.
He is always "skint"
He said he needed £20 for his phone.
So I said "il take it out of my savings account,just give me it on Monday when you get paid"
So then today he borrows another £10 and says so that's £310 I owe you Monday (£300 half of rent and bills )
I say no £330 ...£20 for phone too
He said "really ,your going to take that off me"
"I only topped up because you wanted me too"
(He didn't -he told me he needed to top up"
So he says "you know I would give you my last"
I said I buy you so much
I spent £10 buying him McDonald's today,I bought the food all week
I spent £170 last week on concert tickets for his birthday -then 2 hoodies for his birthday.
I reminded him of this and he says "no you can't class the tickets for my birthday -you wanted to go too"
I also bought us Xmas pjs for £30 two days ago

So how does he have the audacity to say I'm tight?
I just wanted it back to in my savings.
I'm feeling shitty and horrible now
I'm honestly not tight -I just don't want to get the mick took out of me

We go on holiday in two weeks
I've bought the sun tan lotion,after sun,case straps ,case locks ,luggage tags ,case scales,I bought him shorts for holiday and 2 tees and god knows what else

Your boyfriend is bad with money & gaslighting you to make you feel guilty & support him more!
The money issue will be the downfall of your relationship & butt of every argument you have for the rest of your lives if you continue down this path.
He needs to be more responsible & if you lend him money yes he needs to pay it back, end of!

When you say he ‘lives with you’ does that mean he lives in a house you own or rent & splits the bills 50/50 or he lives with you like a sofa surfing lodger & has you cleaning up after him all the time, making sure his life is easy & bailing him out when he has spent his money on whatever he has spent it on?

You going to the concert is neither here nor there as he would be going alone if you had only bought him a ticket.
You clearly wanted to go too so bought yourself a ticket as-well so you could do that & you didn’t want him to celebrate his birthday treat alone.
Here is the crux though…. You didn’t have to buy yourself a ticket you could have just let him go alone BUT, & this is a MASSSSSSIVE BUT, guaranteed if you had done this he would now be gaslighting you for only buying one ticket & making him go to a concert alone.

Bit weird that you keep tabs on what you spend on him for gifts & bring it up in arguments. Gifts are given as just that.
Not as bargaining chips in arguments.
Sorry if I have misread your meaning in your post on that one.

If he thinks you are tight then be tight.
If he asks to lend money say no & stop buying him gifts outside of what he would get for you. Come down to his level & play him at his own game.
He is a grown man & he is behaving like you owe him something when you don’t.
To be very honest it sounds as-if he is taking advantage of you & you need to nip this in the bud NOW!

Luckynumbereight · 31/10/2022 10:43

Let me guess…. when it was your birthday you got

….nothing?

Arayes · 31/10/2022 10:48

llpoolj · 29/10/2022 17:43

@Keyansier he doesn't have to pay for the concert tickets -I bought them for his birthday
He is saying they don't class as a birthday gift because I'm getting the second ticket as I also like the band so I'm going with him

If he doesn't class it as a birthday gift, he can buy his own ticket. If he thinks thats wrong, then he knows its a gift!

He's taking you for a mug, OP. Why are you letting him?

TheFormidableMrsC · 31/10/2022 10:54

Babysitter12 · 30/10/2022 23:35

There is his side of the story, convenient to forget what he pays for ie the big stuff !

On what basis do you make this assumption?

zingally · 31/10/2022 11:02

He's taking you for a merry old ride. Dump him.

LikeTearsInRain · 31/10/2022 11:21

You do sound quite stingy OP adding up 10s and 20s here and there would you expect the same when he has paid for dinner or taken you to the cinema or paid for parking or something?

KettrickenSmiled · 31/10/2022 12:08

LikeTearsInRain · 31/10/2022 11:21

You do sound quite stingy OP adding up 10s and 20s here and there would you expect the same when he has paid for dinner or taken you to the cinema or paid for parking or something?

😂😂😂
Fat chance!

Mummyofmaniacs · 31/10/2022 12:09

LikeTearsInRain · 31/10/2022 11:21

You do sound quite stingy OP adding up 10s and 20s here and there would you expect the same when he has paid for dinner or taken you to the cinema or paid for parking or something?

£10s & £20s are actually quite important to the peasants half of society who arent earning your megabucks your majesty

WaddleAway · 31/10/2022 12:25

LikeTearsInRain · 31/10/2022 11:21

You do sound quite stingy OP adding up 10s and 20s here and there would you expect the same when he has paid for dinner or taken you to the cinema or paid for parking or something?

£10’s and £20’s are a lot of money to a lot of us, and we can’t afford to just write them off.

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/10/2022 15:08

llpoolj · 29/10/2022 17:39

My boyfriend lives with me.
He earns £700 more than me a month.
He is always "skint"
He said he needed £20 for his phone.
So I said "il take it out of my savings account,just give me it on Monday when you get paid"
So then today he borrows another £10 and says so that's £310 I owe you Monday (£300 half of rent and bills )
I say no £330 ...£20 for phone too
He said "really ,your going to take that off me"
"I only topped up because you wanted me too"
(He didn't -he told me he needed to top up"
So he says "you know I would give you my last"
I said I buy you so much
I spent £10 buying him McDonald's today,I bought the food all week
I spent £170 last week on concert tickets for his birthday -then 2 hoodies for his birthday.
I reminded him of this and he says "no you can't class the tickets for my birthday -you wanted to go too"
I also bought us Xmas pjs for £30 two days ago

So how does he have the audacity to say I'm tight?
I just wanted it back to in my savings.
I'm feeling shitty and horrible now
I'm honestly not tight -I just don't want to get the mick took out of me

We go on holiday in two weeks
I've bought the sun tan lotion,after sun,case straps ,case locks ,luggage tags ,case scales,I bought him shorts for holiday and 2 tees and god knows what else

Look at how you started your OP @llpoolj - it tells me that you already know the answer to your problem.

"He earns £700 more than me a month.
He is always "skint" "
Where does his money go? I suspect, pissed up the wall. Doesn't really matter where it goes, what matters is that despite earning considerably more than you, he gets you to pay for his lifestyle. He's a leech, happy to bleed you dry.

And look at your very first statement, because this tells me a lot -
"My boyfriend lives with me."
An unusual phrasing. Not, 'we live together'. No. He lives with you. This tells me that where you live, you had it before him, and he moved himself in. Which, added to his parasitic tendencies, makes him a cocklodger. A man who does not pay his own way, but lives off a woman.

Time for him to move out and stand on his own two feet.

threatmatrix · 31/10/2022 16:05

You need to run.