To wonder why some men have children at all?

[TheRossatron]

When they have absolutely zero interest in family life? I see it on here constantly. I don't mean men who accidentally get someone pregnant and shirk responsibility... I mean men who enter into a relationship with a woman, propose, get married and try for babies... then end up with two toddlers and a presumption that they can dump everything onto the wife and fuck off out all weekend every weekend to play golf? Or get smashed in the pub? Or sit playing video games all day? I myself loathe the thought of family life - I just wouldn't want to be tied to anyone and would feel suffocated and resentful. So why on earth don't they just stay single and childless?! Baffles me.

(Disclaimer - I know there are loads of really good men out there!)

I think quite a few just go along with whatever their wives want when it comes to having children.

I think they don't realise the impact having children has on your life until it's too late.

My friend has just had a baby. Her husband really wanted a baby. He would make so much effort with my son, including taking him for days out and taking over looking after him when we were all together. You'd have thought he'd make a great dad when he had his own.

Now he just wants to play golf or go to the pub instead of being at home with their son. My friend is devastated.

Yes, that's it.. because they don't have a functioning brain of their own. If only their brain would function as well as their penis ay.

Surely a better question would be 'why do women have children with men who won't have any interest in family life'

You see it all the time on here.

I knew this thread would turn into blaming women 🤦🏻

Yes I think you're right, I just struggle to understand how someone can have such a casual attitude to something so gigantic. Having a child literally changes your entire life. Your home, your finances, your time, your space, absolutely everything. How can they not think this through?! If I was a man and my decision to not have children was as strong as it is as a female I'd have the snip, wear two condoms and still be worried! 🙈

You’re right. I don’t know any men like that in my circle and do know two women who are and either way it baffles me. Children don’t ask to be born so the least you can is show them fuck up and do your best by them - and the person you chose to make them with.

The two mums I know who are like that were very keen to have kids and haven’t enjoyed it so have opted out of parenting, one in favour of work, the other preferring her hobbies.

Yes women who seem surprised that their DP who didn’t miss a football game for their nams funeral won’t give up their season ticket.

Also you see a lot of women saying they are considering ultimatums - ie TTC in 12 months or they’ll leave, I wonder how many go along to keep them happy and regret the result…

Kimberly has a valid point.
It is usually the woman who instigates starting a family, and when she does, she talks a good talk.
Their husbands / partners usually agree because they know it's what she wants.
Not many women would remain with a man who flat out refused to have a family.

Because that’s ’what your supposed to do’.
Men like this don’t see kids (or women) as real people.
And kids are just the woman’s hobby.
And I’m also guessing it’s the making of that baby that holds more interest.
Or their scared the woman will leave if they don’t agree to having kids and then they would have to go out and find a new woman to cook and clean and have regular sex with them, and that takes too much effort…

I don’t really get it either.

My ex was desperate for kids. He paid a fortune for fertility tests and treatments for us. He read every book going. Was super excited during the pregnancy - I think he’d have paid for weekly scans if he could. Perfect dad for the first 6 months.

Then came in, announced family life wasn’t for him, and joined the military. Just like that.

The girls are at Uni now and he hasn’t seen them for literally years. Has three younger children to his (now ex) wife who he seemed to have grown up and changed his way with. He was around and hands on until they were 5, 4 and 2. Now hasn’t seen them for almost a year either.

Happy wife happy life

Id bet the majority of these men if not with a woman who wanted children would have remained happily childless.

The question could be flipped, most of those posting about shit husbands and fathers they were shit before having kids. Why do women continually put their desire to have children above ensuring their children have a great father.

Lots of men like the idea of a family set up, to talk about their kids and to have adult children, but they don't want to deal with the drudgery of toddlers and young children. They want the fun bits without the hard work and hope they can get away with it.

I don't get it either OP.

And what's even more baffling is when there's more than one child and they're not twins.

Having one baby with a man like is often just bad luck buy why would either parent in that relationship want more than one??

*but why

If a woman knows a man is selfish or a bit of a loser or whatever and still deliberately has a child with them I do blame them. (Obviously I'd also blame the man)
It's one thing when a man changes after a baby has already been born or if it's an accidental pregnancy but not if it's a deliberate decision to have a baby with someone who you know won't be a good father.
You see it on Mumsnet a lot - some women have multiple kids with blokes who have shown that they are crap fathers. Unfortunately some women put their desire to have a baby before anything else.
Blaming crap fathers for being crap fathers goes without saying

Agree with this. I think most men, if they were completely honest wouldn’t be that bothered about kids at all. Wife/partner wants it so they go along. Leave the kid stuff to the wife as they never wanted them in the first place.

I'm sorry that happened to you, you must have been devastated. I am so sorry to these women who had nice partners with no red flags and ended up in this scenario.

On the flip side I know of at least two women who are now raising children as single parents with zero financial support from ex partners who were useless fucking losers in the first place. If I'm honest they mainly have their own stupidity to blame and I have zero sympathy for either of them.

If you look back in time - like far back as cave times - people lived more communal and the women and children generally stayed home in one group while all the men went mammoth hunting.
Many animals in the wild live like that.
Maybe modern humans are doing it wrong.....🤔

Blimey OP, it's lucky you're 100% sure your partner will never turn into one of those "useless losers" and leave you in the lurch, isn't it?
Because if he did, you could look forward to a whole load of nasty, misogynistic comments from other women like this, couldn't you 🙄

Needmorelego
That's been largely debunked nowadays- it turns out that women hunted too.

Are you speaking from experience OP?

I do get your second point.

My sympathy for his ex wife is extremely limited. She was encouraging of his shit relationship with my girls and was a constant pain in the arse with comments about his maintenance payments (he was so petty it was once £3.75 short because he charged me for half of their lunch when they were stuck in traffic on his way back to drop them off as it was technically my time).

Yet now she’s surprised he’s zero help and fucking around with paying her…

Some men genuinely see children as effectively the mother's hobby and don't see their own life changing much (other than being poorer). She has a hobby that happens to need to be obtained through them getting lots of sex, so what's not to like?

I also think some attitudes - such as seen in the recent thread, where it was proclaimed that women do all the work of pregnancy and birth and so should rightly get to single-handedly choose the baby's name - serve to distance that kind of man from the idea that he is an equal parent. See also people who react in horror to the idea of a male childminder or nursery worker: "Ugh, what does he want to do that for - must be a paedo."

I also think that - with being hands-off in the 'production' department - some men don't fully appreciate the sacrifices that will need to be made; whereas the woman - at the business end - naturally realises this much more acutely and just assumes that he will be on board with all that too.

Of course, loads and loads of dads are indeed fully realistic, ready to step up and make sacrifices and be a proper hands-on parent - but those aren't the ones that this thread is about.

I was married for 12 years before ex decided he wanted to have a baby. I really didn't want to as I was 41 and life was getting easier and we had freedom. We had the baby. Two years later he was gone. Wasn't for him after all, OW with her older child was much better. He was a shit dad, totally hands off. It was horrific to watch. He has no contact now. The man is an arsehole and unfortunately it's all too common.