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Original poster

To wonder why some men have children at all?

244 replies

TheRossatron · 29/10/2022 13:56

When they have absolutely zero interest in family life? I see it on here constantly. I don't mean men who accidentally get someone pregnant and shirk responsibility... I mean men who enter into a relationship with a woman, propose, get married and try for babies... then end up with two toddlers and a presumption that they can dump everything onto the wife and fuck off out all weekend every weekend to play golf? Or get smashed in the pub? Or sit playing video games all day? I myself loathe the thought of family life - I just wouldn't want to be tied to anyone and would feel suffocated and resentful. So why on earth don't they just stay single and childless?! Baffles me.

(Disclaimer - I know there are loads of really good men out there!)

OP posts:
PurpleButterflyWings · 29/10/2022 15:29

@Kabbalah

I think an awful lot of men just want a relationship and they agree to marriage and kids to maintain that relationship plus it's expected of them. But if they were brutally honest about it, they never really wanted any of it.

FFS there is some utter rot being posted on this thread. 😂

PurpleButterflyWings · 29/10/2022 15:29

FictionalCharacter · 29/10/2022 15:22

Plenty of men like the idea of having kids but don’t want to do any parenting.

Having a wife and kids has been shown to be a career advantage for men. Being a husband and father is still viewed as a measure of success in life. Having children is proof of fertility which is viewed as part of being a masculine man. When Michael Portillo was in politics, running for party leader, Norman Tebbitt sneered at him for not being like his opponent “a normal family man with children” (nasty and hurtful, because Portillo and his wife were not childless by choice”.

As for fathers actually looking after their own kids, this is still seen as unmanly. Stay at home fathers with working wives are still rare, and a decision to do this often horrifies colleagues, who consider being a SAHF demeaning. Looking after your own kids if your wife has the audacity to leave the house without you is called “babysitting” and fathers who do this have to endure jokes about being “under the thumb”.

We’re still a very backward society. Having kids but not being arsed with them means fathers get the social advantages and the mothers are left with the physical and emotional work.

Really old fashioned and quite sexist and outdated.

But sadly. Nail on head.

maddiemookins16mum · 29/10/2022 15:29

Because women want them, it’s not ‘blaming the woman’ (except on MN when women are never at fault).

Millsbills · 29/10/2022 15:30

crackofdoom · 29/10/2022 15:05

If a man is a shit father, it is HIS fault for being shit. And no one else's. Women who are left picking up all the pieces and doing all the work of two are fucking heroes, not feckless slags who should be berated.

Let's face it, the vast majority of men are on the sub-par spectrum when it comes to fatherhood. And they get away with it because society lets them off the hook, preferring to bash women instead.

The internalised misogyny on this thread is staggering.

Women who chose to procreate with shit men are not hero’s for dealing with the consequences of their poor decision making.

I know for a fact my closest friend will be left solo parenting in the next 5 years, she knew this before even starting TTC yet still went ahead.

girlfriend44 · 29/10/2022 15:30

TheRossatron · 29/10/2022 13:56

When they have absolutely zero interest in family life? I see it on here constantly. I don't mean men who accidentally get someone pregnant and shirk responsibility... I mean men who enter into a relationship with a woman, propose, get married and try for babies... then end up with two toddlers and a presumption that they can dump everything onto the wife and fuck off out all weekend every weekend to play golf? Or get smashed in the pub? Or sit playing video games all day? I myself loathe the thought of family life - I just wouldn't want to be tied to anyone and would feel suffocated and resentful. So why on earth don't they just stay single and childless?! Baffles me.

(Disclaimer - I know there are loads of really good men out there!)

dont you know its pretty obvious they just wanted the sex.

PurpleButterflyWings · 29/10/2022 15:31

@ToniAlto

We asked my bro in law why he had a second child whilst his relationship was so terrible. He said he thought it was what you did.

Fuck me, are women seriously having children with men with this level of intelligence?! This thread gets worse by the minute! He had another baby even though the relationship was shit because 'that is just what you do.' WTAF?! Confused

FictionalCharacter · 29/10/2022 15:32

@PurpleButterflyWings Indeed, but that’s just the problem- a lot of men do have old fashioned, sexist and outdated views, including some very young men.

PurpleButterflyWings · 29/10/2022 15:33

Millsbills · 29/10/2022 15:30

Women who chose to procreate with shit men are not hero’s for dealing with the consequences of their poor decision making.

I know for a fact my closest friend will be left solo parenting in the next 5 years, she knew this before even starting TTC yet still went ahead.

Show quote history

You sound a bit like you'll be rubbing your hands together with glee when/if the relationship between your 'friend' and her man goes tits up and she ends up alone.

Fuck me there are some shitty comments on this thread!

PurpleButterflyWings · 29/10/2022 15:34

FictionalCharacter · 29/10/2022 15:32

@PurpleButterflyWings Indeed, but that’s just the problem- a lot of men do have old fashioned, sexist and outdated views, including some very young men.

True!

Notbeinfunnehbut · 29/10/2022 15:36

For a lot of people both genders
Children are simply a by product of the latest relationship
it’s sad really more thought should be put in

BeyondsEnergyObsession · 29/10/2022 15:44

It's a status symbol.

"LOOK WORLD, MY BOLLOCKS WORK!" 🥳

PurpleButterflyWings · 29/10/2022 15:45

BeyondsEnergyObsession · 29/10/2022 15:44

It's a status symbol.

"LOOK WORLD, MY BOLLOCKS WORK!" 🥳

😂

Millsbills · 29/10/2022 15:46

PurpleButterflyWings · 29/10/2022 15:33

You sound a bit like you'll be rubbing your hands together with glee when/if the relationship between your 'friend' and her man goes tits up and she ends up alone.

Fuck me there are some shitty comments on this thread!

Show quote history

Hardly rubbing hands with glee territory, you seem very invested in this, wonder why.

And it’s definitely a when, sad but true. Same for many women on here sadly

Marchmount · 29/10/2022 15:48

As one of these women who had kids with a shit father I do take full accountability for my part to play in it. He was immature, had had an awful traumatic childhood and had the beginnings of a drink problem but I thought having a child would mean he would grow up. He didn’t. He tried hard but his demons always won. He wasn’t a bad person - just troubled and incapable of parenting.

When my dd was 1 and it was apparent that he was not going to be a good father I got pregnant again. I knew that I’d probably be doing it on my own and would be solely accountable emotionally, practically and financially for the two kids. I chose to do that as I wanted 2 kids and knew I could do it. And that has proven to be the case. 5 years later we divorced (probably about 6 years too late) and since then I have provided everything

Thats not to alleviate any blame from him for being a pathetic parent but I knew he’d be a pathetic parent and went ahead anyway.

MintJulia · 29/10/2022 15:48

Simple.

  • So they are guaranteed a bonk.
  • So they get to boast in public, that their equipment works
  • Because they don't think long term - or at all
  • Because they think they can walk away from the financial commitment (and many do)

My df tried to persuade my dm to have baby no. 6 so he could 'give up work and live off the family allowance.' Thankfully, she said no.

Selfish, lazy, irresponsible men have always existed.

Kabbalah · 29/10/2022 15:49

crackofdoom · 29/10/2022 15:05

If a man is a shit father, it is HIS fault for being shit. And no one else's. Women who are left picking up all the pieces and doing all the work of two are fucking heroes, not feckless slags who should be berated.

Let's face it, the vast majority of men are on the sub-par spectrum when it comes to fatherhood. And they get away with it because society lets them off the hook, preferring to bash women instead.

The internalised misogyny on this thread is staggering.

And the incidence of contraception failure on this site is quite literally, "unbelievable ". As two of my friends freely admitted, "he wouldn't have agreed to it otherwise. He'll feel different when the child is born, they all do". Only they all don't.

I've also known women demand children as their right, irrespective. And others to keep nagging, on and on, bursting into tears and refusing to engage in any form of reasonable conversation.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 29/10/2022 15:51

Women who chose to procreate with shit men are not hero’s for dealing with the consequences of their poor decision making.

This x10,000

ChicaneOvenchips · 29/10/2022 15:51

This was my ex husband. Complete disinterest in doing anything with me and our dc's. Me and my whole family were/are still completely baffled that within days of leaving, he confessed his undying love to another woman, then married her as soon as we were divorced and had another kid with her!

Goldbar · 29/10/2022 15:54

Men and women underestimate how hard raising children is. Societal expectations, combined with maternity leave, create the perfect opportunity for men who are so inclined to structure their lives to unload their part of the burden onto women. Women don't have the same 'out' clause.

alwaysfrazzled · 29/10/2022 15:57

@Lacazzalawazza that's a really good point actually.

Vallmo47 · 29/10/2022 16:03

Wow, I find this thread utterly, utterly depressing. How helpful to point out that others make life choices you’d never in a billion years do themselves. I’d never in a billion years choose to not have kids because the “sperm donor” MIGHT turn out to be useless. I’m with the most wonderful man who didn’t initially want children in fear he wasn’t responsible enough, but as time went on his opinions changed and he stepped up and is a fantastic dad. This also happens. We are a team and it works very well. But I don’t judge anyone for where life takes them, full stop. Maybe if you’re on Mumsnet to criticise parents you should think twice before posting- you have no idea who you offend. 🤨

Spanielsarepainless · 29/10/2022 16:04

I can't remember where I heard it but it was something like:
Men want women
Women want children, dogs or horses.

Digforvictories · 29/10/2022 16:15

TootMootZoot · 29/10/2022 14:26

If a woman knows a man is selfish or a bit of a loser or whatever and still deliberately has a child with them I do blame them. (Obviously I'd also blame the man)
It's one thing when a man changes after a baby has already been born or if it's an accidental pregnancy but not if it's a deliberate decision to have a baby with someone who you know won't be a good father.
You see it on Mumsnet a lot - some women have multiple kids with blokes who have shown that they are crap fathers. Unfortunately some women put their desire to have a baby before anything else.
Blaming crap fathers for being crap fathers goes without saying

Show quote history

But if you had the bad luck to have a baby with an idiot, why would you risk having another baby with another man who could be even worse?
Or worse the new dad soulc be great and then you poor baby Adam is going to be left feeling inadequate that his father doesn't love him as much as baby Ben's father loves him. Sometimes it's better the idiot you know.

Marchmount · 29/10/2022 16:16

Valmo. We are all responsible for our choices. Women AND men make bad choices and we shouldn’t pretend otherwise just so as not to potentially upset someone.

I made a bad choice with the father of my kids. People telling me that I’m not to blame in any way is untrue and counterproductive. Of course many women will do it anyway as the biological urge and societal expectation to have children causes them throw caution to the wind but when it all goes wrong then they shouldn’t be surprised.

Untitledsquatboulder · 29/10/2022 16:19

KimberleyClark · 29/10/2022 14:01

I think quite a few just go along with whatever their wives want when it comes to having children.

^^This. I think most men would quite happily remain childless if that's what their partners wanted. My dh is a good and active father but if I'd said I didn't want kids he'd have been fine with that.