To wonder why some men have children at all?

[TheRossatron]

When they have absolutely zero interest in family life? I see it on here constantly. I don't mean men who accidentally get someone pregnant and shirk responsibility... I mean men who enter into a relationship with a woman, propose, get married and try for babies... then end up with two toddlers and a presumption that they can dump everything onto the wife and fuck off out all weekend every weekend to play golf? Or get smashed in the pub? Or sit playing video games all day? I myself loathe the thought of family life - I just wouldn't want to be tied to anyone and would feel suffocated and resentful. So why on earth don't they just stay single and childless?! Baffles me.

(Disclaimer - I know there are loads of really good men out there!)

Because they want the IMAGE of a being good person/dad without the actual work.

It’s the drudgery, the exhaustion, the tedium of the day to day. A lot of them don’t like it, can’t just grow up and get on with it, think they’re above it, or think they are doing a rubbish job compared to the mum, so they shirk it, and get away with it in many cases, and they might join back in when the children are more self-sufficient.

This is true, about communal child-raising. Also there's a theory that the menopause comes along so that a woman can help raise her dgch.

But re the men and dch, I think there's a primal instinct to perpetuate your genes, and some men may not think much beyond getting their DP pg. There is also still an assumption that raising a dch is women's work and mums should be grateful for any 'babysitting' that the DF does. Maybe we should all sit down with our DPs before we DTD and spell out what will need to happen if a baby comes along.

Happily single. I wouldn't worry though, even if I did want a partner he wouldn't be leaving me in the lurch at all because other than DIY, which I'm absolutely shit at, I'd never rely on a man for anything 👍

I wonder daily why so many women select these poor specimens as the fathers of their children.

Don't they want better for their offspring?

Oh right, so you have no experience of this whatsoever, yet still feel qualified to judge? Nice one.🙄

To be fair, I am a woman who found having children fucking hard. And my kids were much wanted and planned. I just had no idea how soul destroying relentless being a parent can be at times.

The difference is that if a man dumps his kids, no one cares. If a woman fucks off and leaves her kids, she is worse than Hitler. There are literally thousands of kids in Foster care in this country who could just have been given to their dads to look after. But they don't want to. And no one forces them?!

Some people - women as well as men - simply aren't suited to or attracted to parenthood and family life. They need to be aware of that, be honest about it and own it to avoid incompatibility.

Unfortunately you really can’t always know. Having a baby is a massive test and not one you get to try out properly before a complete commitment.

@TheRossatron Jut as a quick aside, wearing 2 condoms increases the failure rate of them working as they tend to rub against each other and split (so if you are ever trying to avoid getting pregnant, don't do that 😅)

Agree.

The problem is that no matter how much of a loser a man is, there is always, always some low standards woman out there to accommodate him. So they have no reason to step up and improve.

Why did you have the baby though, if you didn’t want to?

Agreed and that was the point of the thread, I don't understand why so many men don't do this instead of setting themselves up for lives they don't even want. I get women sometimes make the same mistakes but let's be honest, on this forum it's usually the man who isn't stepping up.

Lol noted. Maybe then, I would try to invent thicker condoms 🤣

Reading through these comments and wondering if there's anything- literally ANY one thing out of the entire laundry list of shit things that men do- that isn't held to be a woman's fault? 🙄

Men who are upfront about their lack of interest in fatherhood are often characterised as shallow and commitment phobic.

@SecretVictoria

I think most men, if they were completely honest wouldn’t be that bothered about kids at all. Wife/partner wants it so they go along. Leave the kid stuff to the wife as they never wanted them in the first place.

Rubbish. Why do people always trot out this utter nonsense? Just as many men want children as women. As has been said, they are simply shocked by how much it changes their life, and their relationship, and it's easier to spend more time playing golf/going to footie/going fishing than take part in the responsibility of family life.

In addition, I have known men spend more hours at work, and hang around 1-2 hours after everyone has gone, to avoid family duties/childcare. Because many men are largely self-centred, self-serving, and selfish, and think (deep down) that the childcare/housework etc is the 'woman's job.'

Doesn't mean she wanted them and he didn't! I know some men who had babies reluctantly/when they weren't keen, and I know some women who had them reluctantly/when they weren't keen. It's bullshit to say MOST MEN don't want children.

Well she's responsible enough to know what she can handle and not take risks she doesn't want to? So she can judge.

I'm also childfree because I wouldn't want to end up with a shit man who can't do anything. You take risks, you need to deal with the outcome. And statistically the risk of being a single parent or being a parent who has a shit partner is high.

Why does that matter if they avoid committing to something they're not cut out for? Are women who don't want children shallow and commitment phobic too?

@KimberleyClark That's a situation I would rather not go into here. Suffice to say I booked a termination but was emotionally battered into cancelling it. No regrets on that score, but angry at myself for what I put up with. I've had a lot of therapy. My child is a blessing, I'd like to make that clear.

I don't think it's blame. But the reality of raising kids alone isn't pretty. I stopped at one. It's called accountability.

It seems the other way to me. Some people seem to think that women are never and should never be held accountable for the choices they make when it comes to choosing fathers. A man who was a shit father to his first child is not goi g to be any better to his second, and yet you read it on here again and again - woman complaining what a shit father her partner is and dropping in that she’s pregnant with their second.

‘Maybe we should all sit down with our DPs before we DTD and spell out what will need to happen if a baby comes along.’

do people actually not do this?

It was one of the biggest discussion points before DH and I began TTC, maybe this is where people are going wrong.

No of course they’re not. That is my point.

Fair enough.