To feel inconvenienced by DH wanting 'better quality' sex

[dhaex]

NC here for obvious reasons, I have no one IRL I am comfortable asking this question.

DH recently has started to sometimes not get it up. He has started to say it's because I don't make an effort (admittedly I don't)

So I am asking if I'm your sex life you have standards? So for example he said he just wants a few basic things to make the sec better. He said he doesn't expect these every time but some of the times.

They are;

• shaven pubic hair
• a bit of makeup
• hair not looking a mess
• a wash beforehand

Are these things reasonable to expect of you before sex? To be honest I just cba to do these things in order to have sex but I also have to understand sex is based on attraction so I am being lazy to not want to do these things but equally we are TTC and to be frank it's wearing me out and I just cannot be bothered.

Please help do you except the above requirements to have sex?

Please don't come on saying what a twat my husband sounds I'm not here to roast him I'm genuinely wanting to know if people make an effort for sex and if so is the above ask fair

Thank you

@dhaex I know you don't want to hear this, but he's a horrible selfish misogynist. I would be HEARTBROKEN if my DH watched porn, imo it is cheating. The fact that he doesn't love you enough to stop and refuses to, shows you that you and your feelings are not important to him. In fact, I would threaten divorce if he didn't stop. Why are you, a woman in 2022, putting up with this and just accepting it? Like a 1950s wife (although, at least 1950s wives didn't get requests for them to make themselves look like pre-pubescent girls by shaving off their pubic hair)? Porn is a deal breaker to many/most women, but twice a week makes it look like he has a porn addiction. Where else do you think he gets the idea of shaved crotches and make up from? Porn gives men a twisted idea of reality.

I'll be honest; if I were you, I'd walk. FFS, please stop trying to conceive with this scumbag. You can do so much better. Do NOT saddle yourself with a child with him for life. Don't. Get out of the marriage, this guy is a selfish and sexist pig who is a porn addict, and that's why he can't get it up. He is blaming you because you are a normal human, not the fake porn image in those videos.

He won't lose weight. He won't stop watching porn. He ignores evidence that his porn is an addiction and is the reason (and you're right, it has been proven over and over again that porn is one of the number one reasons for Erectile Dysfunction), he instead blames you for not looking like a porn star, and cracks the shits when his own flaws are pointed out that he can't get it up because he has a porn addiction. And, he doesn't believe in counselling and has such irrational ideas and backward ideas about it - really not attractive in a man in 2022. Ok, seriously, do you really want to breed with this creature? What positive points does he have? I wouldn't want to be married to this selfish, self-serving narcissist with a porn addiction if he were the last man in existence. Gather your self respect. Treat the inability to conceive as dodging a bullet, and get out of that marriage. And find a decent man to conceive with. You really, really don't want to be tied to this pig of a man, you really don't.

👆couldn't have said it better. Totally agree. He's a controlling bastard gas-lighting you and destroying your self-esteem. Why on earth would you want him to be the father of your children - so he can mentally and emotionally abuse them, too?

@dhaex There is panic in your posts.

I hadn't focused on your title before but the word inconvenience is like you're saying, "just get on with it man, stop adding complications". It's like the sex is only a means to the end for you and his demands are getting in the way?

I still think your odious husband is a disrespectful misogynist, but for balance, have you lost sight of what you actually want here? A baby at any cost?

Stop ttc and sort out your marriage first. Don't let your "time is running out" cloud your judgement.

Take a step back. If you weren't ttc, would you have a good relationship?

What I'm saying is it's an interesting choice of word.

To feel inconvenienced by DH wanting 'better quality' sex

Rather than

To feel hurt by DH wanting 'better quality' sex

To feel confused by DH wanting 'better quality' sex

Of course there is panic in the OPs posts. She is totally 100% focussed on getting pregnant and for whatever reason ( real or mistaken) feels that it must be now or never.

If you have convinced yourself that it’s all you have ever wanted and it will fix every problem in your life , it’s very frightening when people suggest that you take some time out to evaluate your relationship.

That’s why she keeps saying “ Why doesn’t anyone understand !! “.

She can’t see that getting pregnant now might cause more problems that it will solve .

@Chickenvoicesinmyhead yes our relationship was better sexually before TTC.

TTC is the problem not the marriage!

I do understand how you feel you are stuck in some kind of last chance saloon with this man with regards to TTC.

The porn is the most likely cause of his ED, not your lack of hairbrushing regime.

You have a big decision to make and I don't envy you OP

Guys I understand the ED but twice a week - really?

That doesn't sound like an addiction to me? As much as I hate him watching porn but it doesn't seem excessive so how can this cause ED?

It’s not about how many times a week, it can be a case that a person only gets aroused by seeing a woman looking a certain way and performing certain acts. Real life sex can end up not cutting the muster.

Neither of us put standards on each other, and we don’t require the things you listed. No wash would rule out oral but not sex entirely. I think sex that requires a list of preparations is no longer spontaneous and fun. If the TTC is putting pressure on the sex then adding more pressure doesn’t seem that helpful. Personally I’d want to refocus on quality time that connects me and my partner - having fun whether it leads to sex or not. That can only be a good thing. He may be feeling very insecure and anxious about his performance and wanting (not necessarily consciously) to push those feelings away and onto something/someone else (you in this case).

My DH used to have an issue with porn, it was related to his mental health and the health of our overall relationship. It was an escape, an avoidance of difficult issues and emotions, an outlet for stress etc. It became obsessive. The porn use was more of a symptom than the problem itself. So, in my experience it can change but not if you are just trying to deal with it as a “porn” issue. You may be nervous about digging into bigger issues within your DH or in your relationship, due to fear of this affecting your ttc and rocking the boat, but it will probably be needed at some point soon.

I will not have sex with my Husband unless I am fresh out of the shower (and he has showered within the last hour or so), so that one I do not find unreasonable.

Having tidy hair I also think is ok, but shaven public hair I don't think is reasonable, nor is makeup as it will get on the sheets

I will not have sex with my Husband unless I am fresh out of the shower (and he has showered within the last hour or so), so that one I do not find unreasonable.

Why not? Do you never have any spontaneous sex then?

What's wrong with a vagina that hasn't just been washed?

Agreed

If you are otherwise hygienic and clean, I think even the wash request is unreasonable. I don't think anybody spends half hour in the bathroom prior to a shag. Basic hygiene should be absolutely fine. Obviously if he means you don't wash so much as your hands and face on a daily basis, he may have a point...
I'd tell him he is free to find someone who suits his criteria if he wants to.

Literally can not believe how many people shower before sex. God grief my vagina isn't a germ infested cesspit- it is a self cleaning vagina! Does no one have spontaneous sex anymore?

Well if op doesn't wash very often or at least daily I see what he means but what about spontaneity? Do you say oh no stop doing that gotta wash me minge first or do you go with your passion and think well I had a shower today so it's fine? Nothing wrong with effort for your partner sometimes but goes both ways what do you want from him? Kind words? Help with kids? Cook you a meal? Do something romantic what would get you in the mood? Tell him to fuck off with his pubic hair demands but it is a basic neccesity in life to be clean (not saying you are not) and if you are fresh and smelling lovely he probably loves you even more.

Also if he has issues getting it up be careful he is not just trying to blame it on other things (like you)when really it is an age/drink/medical/porn problem

Going against the grain here.

Ok he is potentially blaming you for him not getting it up but then men are visually more oriented than women.

He is talking to you & communicating which is a good thing & not going elsewhere for it. And what he’s asking for isn’t that bad imo.

They all relate to grooming & sounds like he wants you to just make a bit of an effort with hygiene & grooming.

If he’s a slob himself then fair enough unreasonable but he’s not asking you to
dress up in lingerie, perform in a certain way or requesting certain acts etc.

Might he just be asking you to groom yourself a bit down there not necessarily going the whole Brazilian etc? If washing is an effort for you it may be that your bush is out of control too. Fine if that’s what you want but if it’s actively turning him off surely you’d take his feelings into account & do something small to help him get it on?

Don’t sex therapists say that getting too complacent & into a rut can be remedied by making sex more of an event - if you both want to & presumably you do want him to be able to get it up.

So making an effort with your appearance - mutually can help inject a bit of passion back.
Hence date nights, changing up where you usually have sex etc

I know most people will be totally anti a man dictating how a woman should look & obviously from a control /coercive angle that’s not good but this does t fall into that category.

Aren’t couples allowed to say what turns each other on & off & look to improve their sex lives?

Surely there are some things you’d rather he do too?

Sorry OP just RTFT. Still think he’s not being unreasonable re asking you to make a bit of an effort.
As long as reciprocated.
Sorry you’re in such a stressful position re TTC & that is obviously playing a massive part of things too. Sex becomes mechanical, pressurised & very very stressful. And it’s not surprising this is showing in ED & your feelings of not wanting to make an effort - given it’s really about other things.

I think other posters saying try to have some time out from it is wise but I understand the pressure on you & that you feel you cannot. But it really might be necessary - for your health mentally & physically. It’s taking too much of a toll understandably & a short break could prove critical for your chances.

I wouldn’t worry about the porn or think it’s linked. The stress is the most likely answer.

Raise your standards LicoricePizza. How did your self esteem get so low that you'd accept this treatment?

I’m a hard core feminist and I recoil in horror at the idea of shaving pubes to keep a man happy, let alone wearing make up to bed.

But I do think having clean genitals is a minimum threshold for intimacy with someone you respect.

i wouldn’t necessarily expect someone to bathe or shower specifically for sex but if, say, they hadn’t showered since 6am and it was now 11pm I would be icked out if they didn’t wash.

I do most on the list as part of my personal prep if sex is on the agenda. I have been known to surprise him by going further, dressing up, etc. It's how I like to be. Spontaneous sex when I'm home from work, back from the supermarket, or on a journey in the car.
It's come as I am, but I'm always neat and tidy in appearance anyway.
If I mention to him, to shave his stubble or chest he does. In general, he's also pretty clean.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable in a relationship to be able to express to each other what turns you on & what turns you off.
And if there is something you can do that isn’t huge but that can improve the experience mutually -esp given the OP’s situation with the amount of stress from years of TTC & the need for him to be able to “perform” then I think it’s not that unreasonable.

The OP seems to accept he views porn & whilst she may not particularly like that she tolerates it. I don’t think this is the issue atm & that stress from TTC for so long is the more likely reason for his ED. The OP needs support & reassurance right now IMO rather than militant calls for her to LTB.

People are seeing this issue outside the TTC.

Her husband disrespects her. He has said he will never stop watching porn even if it upsets her, his own wife.
He has said he will never have counselling.
He has said he wants her to look like the typical porn star ie pre-pubescent shaved look and makeup.
He has basically blamed her because she doesn't look like what he sees in his porn videos twice a week, for his inability to get it up.

He is, in short, not a nice man. He is absuive, he is misogynistic, he is cruel, he is gaslighting, unreasonable in his view of sex, he disrespects her wishes and is not willing to give up something that may make his wife unhappy. Only his happiness matters. He will never compromise for his wife. She, is not important enough for him to consider her wishes. He is 100% self-serving.

TTC is not the issue here. That's what we're saying. He is one of the last men on earth she should be TTC with. TTC is a red herring.
The issue, is that her relationship, if ever there was a LTB relationship, this is it. And she has no business bringing a child into this relationship.