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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel inconvenienced by DH wanting 'better quality' sex

646 replies

dhaex · 29/10/2022 11:19

NC here for obvious reasons, I have no one IRL I am comfortable asking this question.

DH recently has started to sometimes not get it up. He has started to say it's because I don't make an effort (admittedly I don't)

So I am asking if I'm your sex life you have standards? So for example he said he just wants a few basic things to make the sec better. He said he doesn't expect these every time but some of the times.

They are;

  • shaven pubic hair
  • a bit of makeup
  • hair not looking a mess
  • a wash beforehand

Are these things reasonable to expect of you before sex? To be honest I just cba to do these things in order to have sex but I also have to understand sex is based on attraction so I am being lazy to not want to do these things but equally we are TTC and to be frank it's wearing me out and I just cannot be bothered.

Please help do you except the above requirements to have sex?

Please don't come on saying what a twat my husband sounds I'm not here to roast him I'm genuinely wanting to know if people make an effort for sex and if so is the above ask fair

Thank you

OP posts:
BadNomad · 30/10/2022 05:28

tillytown · 30/10/2022 05:07

You didn't actually read the thread, did you?

Show quote history

Yes, I did. More than the people determined to blame it on porn. Believe it or not, some men actually want their partner to enjoy sex with them and not just treat it like a chore or only do it because TTC. The OP can't be bothered to make any effort. He asked her what can he do to please her, and she said there's nothing. Then there is the pressure of having to perform on set times of the month, then the disappointment when it doesn't work. She is making it clear she has no interest in sex, she doesn't enjoy sex, she just wants to get pregnant then be done with it. It's hard to get excited about that.

Flowersinspringgrowwild · 30/10/2022 05:38

nolongersurprised · 30/10/2022 00:02

I agree with this.

Women - myself included - are horrified by the thought of smelling, hence the competitive overwashing noted in this thread.

Assuming normal levels of cleanliness though, heterosexual men shouldn’t be put off sex because a vulva/vagina smells like vulva/vagina. Straight women think this is gross 🤢 but it’s not off putting to a man, or shouldn’t be.

Show quote history

Thank fuck there are normal people on this thread. Vaginas and vulvas aren’t dirty or shameful and don’t need to be washed before sex if a person has normal hygiene standards. Ffs I dread to think what some of your sex lives are like

Morestrangethings · 30/10/2022 05:42

i agree - washing twice a day is plenty.

Morestrangethings · 30/10/2022 05:48

ForwardRolls · 29/10/2022 11:36

A wash yes, that's standard.
The rest of it would have me telling him where to go.

If you shower once a day why would you need to wash your vulval area before sex? I shower twice a day but only because I live in a hot climate. Too much washing leads to dry skin, dermatitis etc.

onlythreenow · 30/10/2022 05:51

Honestly guys thanks this is all helpful, the wash thing I have washes two times a day so I'm generally a clean person but what he means here is if we have daytime sex he would want genitals cleaned directly before or if we had Morning sex he wants a wash first which I find ridiculous because it kinda squashes the mood but I could be wrong?

I'm struggling to imagine the sex lives of MNers, where when the mood takes them they rush off to have a wash first. You are not wrong OP, but your DH is being ridiculous.

Morestrangethings · 30/10/2022 05:55

I'm struggling to imagine the sex lives of MNers, where when the mood takes them they rush off to have a wash first.

Me also. Way to ruin the mood.

merrymelodies · 30/10/2022 05:57

It sounds like he's willing to put you down - way down! - to make himself feel better about his impotence.

Dogtooth · 30/10/2022 08:30

Tell him you've got a thing for pegging but first you'll require him to bleach and wax his arse and wear a curly wig. See how he likes it.

Seriously, I've never got how this whole 'I'm a red blooded stud but my cock turns into an old saggy carrot if you don't shave/wear make up/high heels' thing works.

RampantIvy · 30/10/2022 08:53

While I don't think the husband comes out of this well, he must feel that his wife just doesn't fancy him any more if the only reason she will sleep with him is to make a baby. It can't do much for his self esteem.

RandomMusings7 · 30/10/2022 10:07

RampantIvy · 30/10/2022 08:53

While I don't think the husband comes out of this well, he must feel that his wife just doesn't fancy him any more if the only reason she will sleep with him is to make a baby. It can't do much for his self esteem.

That's how I read it. He must feel like just a means to an end. Like all sense of intimacy or fun has been sucked out of sex and his wife is only using him to get a baby and couldn't care less about anything else including the state of the relationship. I wouldn't fault him for wanting to feel important and desired as a partner, not just a sperm donor.

And I'll be the first to say porn addiction and death grip are a thing and they can lead to ED... but at the same time lots of men use porn occasionally without it impacting their sex life negatively. Plenty of women do too (if you step outside of the mumsnet echo chamber and out into the real world). So we don't know which category this husband falls under.

His demands were very poorly worded and a little rude but I don't get the feeling this is about blaming her for his ED or wanting her to look like a porn star. I think the pressure of having to perform is getting to him and that it's scary and frustrating for him to see sex having been reduced down to a mechanical obligation with zero romance or effort to make it exciting and intimate.

And no I don't think it's such a big deal to comb your hair and put on lipstick and a spritz of perfume for your man. It's literally a 2 minute investment into making him feel special.

Livetoplay · 30/10/2022 10:20

I’m a gay woman and there is NO world in which someone I was intimate with would come up with a list like this!
You need to wash? WTF does he expect you to smell and taste like exactly?
Your pubes are your own, I wouldn’t dare tell a woman what to do with hers, although I would find no hair really fucking odd it wouldn’t be my business. Lesbians tend not to have Fanny’s like pre-pubescent children though.
He should just be so thrilled to be down there, he shouldn’t be dictating anything…

what are you getting from this sex? If you’re not have an orgasm every time then you shouldn’t even bother.

BigWillyStyleandPrincessKate · 30/10/2022 10:22

Dogtooth · 30/10/2022 08:30

Tell him you've got a thing for pegging but first you'll require him to bleach and wax his arse and wear a curly wig. See how he likes it.

Seriously, I've never got how this whole 'I'm a red blooded stud but my cock turns into an old saggy carrot if you don't shave/wear make up/high heels' thing works.

Haha yes!

butterfliedtwo · 30/10/2022 10:23

what are you getting from this sex? If you’re not have an orgasm every time then you shouldn’t even bother.

She already isn't bothered. Outside of wanting a child, and therefore needing to have sex, it sounds like an inconvenience to her.

Dogtooth · 30/10/2022 10:42

I don't think all porn is evil but I do think people need to realise that it's not the same as sex.

Sex is about mutual intimacy and finding ways to experience pleasure together. It has a spiritual dimension that relates to mortality, new life, what it means to be alive.

Sex is not just trying to recreate porn as if you were at a civil war reenactment or something. You don't win sex by making it as close to porn as possible. Because porn is a performance designed to be visually stimulating, not a practice between two people designed to give pleasure or increase intimacy and connection.

Tbh your DH would turn me right off as he seems to have a very shallow idea of what sex is.

Devoutspoken · 30/10/2022 10:48

It's a bit crap he wants you to shave

GabriellaMontez · 30/10/2022 11:01

I just don't recognise this clean, shaven, routine he's requested. Let alone 3 times a week!

One shower a day is generally fine.

I find it impossible to believe that people are having extra washes before sex. All over? How soon must it be before the act?

His requests are unreasonable, Imo an excuse for his ED.

Darbs76 · 30/10/2022 11:54

Get a love honey advent calendar to spice up your love life.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 30/10/2022 11:57

This is the mark of someone who either feels that nothing is ever their fault, so why should they have to see a counselor, or someone who expects a relationship to be handed to them on a silver platter (ie their partner quietly does all the work). Which category does he fit into?

@AcrossthePond55 another possibility with men who are anti relationship counselling is that they, due to upbringing or culture, believe it's a sign of weakness/not masculine for men to discuss their feelings. Even worse to a stranger. As though the only acceptable feeling to express as a male is anger

OldFan · 30/10/2022 12:57

He got defensive said it is rubbish and has now said he doesn't want to go out on the date night tonight because I'm being ridiculous brining it up on a Saturday night and spoiling the mood

This is manipulative of him @dhaex . You brought up something that was on your mind and now he has to punish you so you don't dare to do that again.

Fucking hell, a vulva washed twice a week is unlikely to be smelly

This is just an aside as OP is fresh anyway, but blimey, people would smell me if I just walked past if I did that. Grin

EarthSight · 30/10/2022 13:14

Ivyonafence · 29/10/2022 13:37

@EarthSight

I don't know, I don't like blowing my husband if there is hair everywhere. I've asked him to do some manscaping on occasion.

Sexual attraction/ turn offs are really personal things. I don't think there's a right or wrong.

It's more about communication. If i could do something that my partner would find to be a turn on, I'd like to think he'd tell me? Obviously in a respectful and kind way, but I'd think there was a problem if we couldn't even talk about things that would turn us on or be fun to try.

Manscaping is different to shaving it all off.
It's not good when porn drives people's expectations of women's bodies. There's a lot of fake nails, fake hair, fake boobs, and pretty much every women's public hair is shaved.

EarthSight · 30/10/2022 13:17

GabriellaMontez · 30/10/2022 11:01

I just don't recognise this clean, shaven, routine he's requested. Let alone 3 times a week!

One shower a day is generally fine.

I find it impossible to believe that people are having extra washes before sex. All over? How soon must it be before the act?

His requests are unreasonable, Imo an excuse for his ED.

You might be showering once a day, but you might be urinating and pooing more times than that, and all traces of that don't necessarily come off with just wiping. I think it's reasonable to want someone to wash traces of that off first before giving oral.

Penguinsaregreat · 30/10/2022 13:19

I think the washing is fine. As for the others I would also expect him to shave his pubes and make an effort. He can’t have standards for you and none for him.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/10/2022 14:03

CandidaAlbicans2 · 30/10/2022 11:57

This is the mark of someone who either feels that nothing is ever their fault, so why should they have to see a counselor, or someone who expects a relationship to be handed to them on a silver platter (ie their partner quietly does all the work). Which category does he fit into?

@AcrossthePond55 another possibility with men who are anti relationship counselling is that they, due to upbringing or culture, believe it's a sign of weakness/not masculine for men to discuss their feelings. Even worse to a stranger. As though the only acceptable feeling to express as a male is anger

True to a point. My DH was brought up to believe that counseling was for 'weak' people and that people should 'just sort themselves out'. Yet when we hit a bad bump in the road he loved me, and us, enough to go. But that's because he also didn't fit in one of my two categories.

I think upbringing and culture will be overcome if you truly want your marriage to survive and you are determined to do whatever is needed to do that. But personality flaws, like narcissism and/or innate selfishness, will not be.

whynotwhatknot · 30/10/2022 14:34

So he got annoyed when you gave him facts about porn and ed-hes not helping himself in this at all or you

if you both cant compromise whats the point

OldFan · 30/10/2022 16:41

I think part of the issue is he's moving the goal posts, which is more annoying, especially as he's kind of implying (falsely) that OP isn't doing stuff she should and that's why he can't get a stiffie.

When I was 17 I had a neurotic, odd boyfriend, who claimed his knob wouldn't work unless I wanked it, implying I was doing something wrong. Needless to say, this isn't normal for a teenage boy, he was wrong about that.

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