To feel inconvenienced by DH wanting 'better quality' sex

[dhaex]

NC here for obvious reasons, I have no one IRL I am comfortable asking this question.

DH recently has started to sometimes not get it up. He has started to say it's because I don't make an effort (admittedly I don't)

So I am asking if I'm your sex life you have standards? So for example he said he just wants a few basic things to make the sec better. He said he doesn't expect these every time but some of the times.

They are;

• shaven pubic hair
• a bit of makeup
• hair not looking a mess
• a wash beforehand

Are these things reasonable to expect of you before sex? To be honest I just cba to do these things in order to have sex but I also have to understand sex is based on attraction so I am being lazy to not want to do these things but equally we are TTC and to be frank it's wearing me out and I just cannot be bothered.

Please help do you except the above requirements to have sex?

Please don't come on saying what a twat my husband sounds I'm not here to roast him I'm genuinely wanting to know if people make an effort for sex and if so is the above ask fair

Thank you

This is really sad. You sound like you have tunnel vision, a sunk cost fallacy. It sounds a horrible, transactional relationship focused on horrible mechanical sex that neither of you enjoy.

Bringing a baby into this would be really tragic.

If you can bring yourself to take individual counselling for yourself, you might stand some hope of reconnecting with yourself and getting some clarity on what you're doing and how to stop

a bit of lippy and perfume is pretty basic stuff and prerequisite to sex.

when?! In the 1950s?? or in a Victorian brothel?

Have a wash, put some blusher on!

Blusher? For sex?! Please tell me you're being facetious!
Besides, if you work up a sweat why would you need blusher?

Not saying this is the case here, but my first serious boyfriend complained about me being makeupless and in joggers etc at home, but a bit more glammed up going to work (at a bar). Several years after we broke up I found out he was gay. My husband really obviously fancies me in whatever state.

Things have taken a turn for the worst. I sent him a text with links to articles about the porn and ED links and then said funny none of them mention ED is because of women but more about porn

He got defensive said it is rubbish and has now said he doesn't want to go out on the date night tonight because I'm being ridiculous brining it up on a Saturday night and spoiling the mood 🤷‍♀️

I am so, so down by all this and now spending Saturday night in fucking sucks - I've had enough

Hubba hubba

Kids really, really test a relationship and this really doesn’t sound particularly solid to start with.

May be an unpopular idea but I think you both need to step back, forget about the sex just now and focus on getting yourselves back on track. You both sound a little upset or angry, not the mindset to solve anything.

I feel like screaming from a roof top

Until you have addressed issues in this relationship. Do not. Do NOT have a child together fgs.

Tbh, it sounds like you already have one in him anyway. What a wanker.

is it a myth that you should have less sex outside of the fertile window when TTC?

If not, then wanking to porn twice a week on top of sex outside the window would drastically reduce your chances of conceiving.

yes it a myth. However if you are in the fertile window and plan to have sex with the intention of conceiving in the next 24 hours her should reframe from wanking until after the attempt as there will be a significantly smaller sperm load.

What a wanker.

Well, he is isn't he?

@dhaex you still haven't answered why having a baby is more important to you than having a functional relationship with your husband.

he*

while I agree I’ve advised many fertility boards and there are many women between 40-55 or they have a disease that makes fertility next to impossible who see it as a do or die situation.

For many it is better to have a baby with a terrible husband and then divorce him later than to have no baby and a terrible husband.

They see it as their last chance. That’s why I haven’t really given OP a hard time about it.

Christ, all he’s saying is he wants you to make a bit of an effort to appear to actually be interested in sex with him. You know to feel desirable? You admit yourself you can’t be arsed - he’s not stupid, he picks up on that and it’s a massive turn off. Hence the ed. No one wants to have sex with a partner who obviously isn’t in the mood. If you don’t enjoy sex, what on earth are you even doing?

Hi OP, I read most of your comments/replies.
I'm a fellow it took years TTC, it felt it was never going to happen then it did eventually only to suffer several miscarriages. So I get the all out focus on needing to have sex on those keys days.
I can relate to some of what has been said here, but I will say the watching porn once or twice a week isn't excessive unless he's watching it for hours at a time. Also I also highly doubt ED is linked to the porn.

Stress to perform is very really for men. You express burn out when you are doing it regularly through the month and not just targeting ovulation this wont help TTC too much focus can create alot of stress and that seems obvious in your posts. For me what worked was stopping sex and going back to making love. I also stopped talking to him about my fertile window or when I have EWCM, it took a month or two to stop using purely sex as a tool to get pregnant.

I think you DH is trying to spice things up, trying to change it up a bit and distract from TTC stress. While I agree with you there is no need to stop TTC I think maybe this is your dh saying he misses you and your sex life and he wants to bring back some fun. Maybe indulgent him, show him some love and he is your lover not your baby maker and don't tell him you need to have sex at certain times, take the pressure off you both. as long your enjoying sex regularly you have no less chance of have success. Good luck.

Shaving your pubic hair!?! Is he a regular porn watcher or does he fantasise about pre pubescent girls? Public hair is there for a reason..

@Tomatowentsplat thank you for your post it's helpful.

I perhaps should have started this thread in TTC because I genuinely don't think it can be understood unless you've had fertility issues

@dhaex as someone who had 7 years of fertility treatment to conceive my child all I can say is it puts a massive strain on everything particularly with regards to sex. I would say and my DH too that sex isn’t fun like it should be now. It became a means to an end and for us despite trying to do new things, take the pressure off it’s never been the same as before we tried for a child. My family always say if you two can have survived all that you can both survive anything together. I’d say it’s very true, sadly many couples split even after conceiving the long awaited child. Unless people have been through it they can never understand how devastating and difficult it is.
This isn’t something to go on and on about with your DH and if I’m honest I think sending those links on the day of date night was not the best timing or idea. I think having an agreed time for discussion and neither of you keep going back to it outwith. For example every sun go a walk and that’s the time to talk about it. It becomes all consuming and isn’t good for either of you.
If you do have to go down the ivf route it can be a very emotionally draining journey so you would both need to be in a good, strong place for your relationship to survive.

Oof. If he's having to tell you that you washing before sex will help his failing erection, this is something that's really bothering him and I'm sorry to have to tell you, but you probably smell like sweat and/or unwashed genitalia to him. I don't expect my husband to shower immediately before sex, but I definitely expect him to have showered that day. Have you ever had sex with someone who reeks? It's not a horny experience at all.

The shaved pubic hair, although he's allowed to have a preference, is your decision, but I do wonder if he's asked for that partly because of the cleanliness aspect.

The makeup and tidy hair- is this because you used to care and now you don't and he misses that? Or have you never had a thing with sporting makeup and brushed hair?

Have you considered cutting back to basics and having a massive no pressure breather …. Taking a holiday/ weekend away together, enjoying each other’s company…. Maybe watching a bit of porn together ? …. See what happens but both agreeing you don’t HAVE to have sex?

it’s become a bit all consuming hasn’t it 🥺
I feel for both of you

This is the mark of someone who either feels that nothing is ever their fault, so why should they have to see a counselor, or someone who expects a relationship to be handed to them on a silver platter (ie their partner quietly does all the work). Which category does he fit into? There are plenty of reasons for a couple, even a happy couple, to seek counseling to improve their relationship or to help them over a little 'bump' in the marital road.

It's pretty obvious that, based on what you say, your personal hygiene is perfectly fine and that you'd recognize it if you were, ahem, a bit ripe. The shaved genitals and makeup to bed screams 'PORN. Personally, I think he sounds like a dick (no pun intended) who watches too much porn.

As far as what is 'normal' as far as frequency goes, what's 'normal' is the number of times that both members of a couple mutually want to have sex, be it once a day or once a year. Libidos go up and down, that's normal.

I fail to see the issue with those requests, well, maybe the make-up. I do those daily anyway for myself and like to smell good.

As long as he isn’t a hypocrite who makes no effort I can’t see why you find these things an effort.

@dangermou5e name change fail?

@dangermou5e @dhaex its hard to choose a section to get the right response. I won't lie when we went through it and my DH said to me he wants XYZ I'd be a bit offended and feel like its some kind of rejection or something so can see why you put it here. But I genuinely think he's not explained how he is feeling very well. My DH made excuses to avoid me, or would avoid going to bed till he thought I would be sleeping. He later told me he felt a failure at the end of each cycle when I wasn't pregnant and that the only reason I had sex with him was to get pregnant. I admit for a while it was, even during it I was thinking about the outcome also wanting him to hurry and finish just so I knew we had a chance. I was just so desperate for a baby.
Honestly the best thing you can do is not use sex as a tool to have a baby, but to be with DH and let any baby be made by love. As cheesy as that sounds.

I think @Tomatowentsplat has hit the nail on the head. If the OP only wants her husband as a sperm donor it makes it feel so transactional and joyless.