To feel inconvenienced by DH wanting 'better quality' sex

[dhaex]

NC here for obvious reasons, I have no one IRL I am comfortable asking this question.

DH recently has started to sometimes not get it up. He has started to say it's because I don't make an effort (admittedly I don't)

So I am asking if I'm your sex life you have standards? So for example he said he just wants a few basic things to make the sec better. He said he doesn't expect these every time but some of the times.

They are;

• shaven pubic hair
• a bit of makeup
• hair not looking a mess
• a wash beforehand

Are these things reasonable to expect of you before sex? To be honest I just cba to do these things in order to have sex but I also have to understand sex is based on attraction so I am being lazy to not want to do these things but equally we are TTC and to be frank it's wearing me out and I just cannot be bothered.

Please help do you except the above requirements to have sex?

Please don't come on saying what a twat my husband sounds I'm not here to roast him I'm genuinely wanting to know if people make an effort for sex and if so is the above ask fair

Thank you

Well I wouldn't call it me change fail but yes a name change with the intention of starting a new thread but I'll just make change again now!! Sorry for the confusion lol

@Tomatowentsplat thank you your post really resonates with me. You seem to be one of the few on the thread that have truly understood this x

@dangermou5e you're welcome, I hope it's helped. My best advice right now get dolled up invite him on a date, apologise for the link and the pressure and suggest you TTC without actively TTC. So you don't focus on fertile windows and go back to how it used to be for.you both. Without (assuming your like I was) talking about how long til fertile window then how long til testing can begin, the symptom spotting then the upset of the arrival of my period...Enjoy one another again... Then because I know exactly how impossible it is to not track keep a discreet eye on your cycle and sex that man wearing your best lippy at the right time 😂

@RampantIvy I don't think I was implying she only wants her dh as a sperm donor. I think it's clear she lost on desperation to have a family with this man and got distracted.

THIS. His requests are not normal (especially after your wash update).

Would always have a wash and expect DH to as well (not directly before if say we were having sex in the afternoon and he had had a shower that morning... but a recent wash is a must!) but wouldn't expect any of the other stuff from my husband and would be annoyed if he expected any of that from me. The shaven pubes I get maybe if that's a specific thing you're into, but my DH would never dictate what I did with my body hair.

Also the make up thing is weird in my opinion. Never had a sexual partner that cared about that in bed.

@dhaex

So what your husband actually wants right now is to continue wanking over porn.

He doesn't want a baby, and he doesn't want to have sex with you. That list of demands was designed to put you off, and the compromise of the date night was designed to be used to punish you if you threatened to interfere with the porn use.

He has now punished you by taking away the date night, and you are facing the prospect of him withholding from you the sex you need in order to have the baby. This is a power struggle.

He doesn't want couples counseling because his porn use would be discussed. For some reason he hasn't yet decided to end things. Maybe living together is convenient for him. Maybe you're a good cook. Maybe your income allows for a nice lifestyle.

He has built a fence around his porn habit the way an alcoholic builds a fence around his drinking. He has no intention of giving it up regardless of the consequences for your sex life (let alone your chance of conceiving). Porn is more important to him than anything else in his life, including you and your happiness.

You need to leave, use a sperm bank, and hopefully have the baby you so badly want that way, alone.

I doubt a couple of times a week porn usage would be a topic of discussion

you’re wild

I agree.

Bloody hell, do people seriously go and have a shower just before sex? That is so weird.

Nope! I don't think I've ever heard of that requirement either. I skipped to the end of the thread because I hadn't realised it was an actual thing. Thinking if I want it tonight dh would be bemused if I suddenly jumped in the shower!!

Have you thought of having IVF, OP? That is a long time TTC without success. I know what long term TTC is like. People dont realise that it becomes a chore. Not spontaneity whatsoever.

I agree with this.

Women - myself included - are horrified by the thought of smelling, hence the competitive overwashing noted in this thread.

Assuming normal levels of cleanliness though, heterosexual men shouldn’t be put off sex because a vulva/vagina smells like vulva/vagina. Straight women think this is gross 🤢 but it’s not off putting to a man, or shouldn’t be.

hair not looking a mess
a wash beforehand

These 2 are reasonable.

And for the people not reading the thread, or even the OP’s updates:

She Washes Twice A Day

Well I don't do any of these things and my DP basically is constantly up 4 it 🤷‍♀️
I'm no beauty queen either.
His ED isn't anything to do with how you look/smell.

Yes this.

I’d do these things without being asked because I want to be desired by my partner. They are not chores, I’d want him to worship at my church and him feel damn grateful for the opportunity.
Not have him asking me to wash my fanny and run a brush through my hair.

Do you think it might be an idea to put TTC on hold while you assess if this is actually the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?

I'm confused? What do you do to make him grateful?

This won't be popular, but YABU.
It's a question of personal pride.

You’re right. There’s no pride in having a porn habit that leaves you unable to have sex with your wife.

Washing before sex is something I have routinely done as part of my sex life but mainly because if I did not I often got UTIs. Infact if anything i insisted we both wash because I did not want to get a UTI and that was agreed to. If I had been told to wash because my smell was intolerable I think that would have been a serious nail in the coffin for me* *(and yes I routinely wash every day in any event).

Your marriage sounds doomed. Or at least sexless, which will probably mean it's doomed. Especially if being asked to brush your hair is too much effort. You'll have even less enthusiasm after children arrive.

You didn't actually read the thread, did you?

Is his inability to get it up a recent thing? He might be making excuses if nothing else has changed.

A lot of guys are stuggling with erectile dysfunction after covid. Has he had it recently?

www.nature.com/articles/s41443-022-00540-0