Partner left me 8 months pregnant and 2 weeks later had a new girlfriend

[EJLx]

I'm currently days away from having my baby and her dad has just admitted he's in a new relationship and has moved in with this woman, he decided he'd tell me now because they would both like to have my daughter over at their house for sleepovers when she's born. He left me at 6 months pregnant with no explanation, then weeks later came back and said he'd made a mistake so we got back together.... 2 months later he left me again only this time it came out that he'd been seeing other woman and telling them how he'd love to be with them and not me, telling me he was on night shifts when he was actually taking different women out, I say women, they were 18/19 early 20s. We haven't been together since, he swore blind none of it was true but minds were already made up and we'd decided we would leave it and just concentrate on being parents. He moved out to live with friends and he'd come round and see me, telling me he was sorting himself out and he wasn't with anyone and he was putting all his efforts into sorting himself out for when our daughter is born. In the last few days it's come to light that he's actually in a full blown relationship with someone, not one of the ones from before, and hes moved in with her. I received a message from her telling me how she's going to love and look after my daughter and they want her to stay over at their house when she's born....out of the blue, it was only a day before this that he was telling me he's living between friends and has no fixed address. I tried to be nice and grown up and I said it was fine and that we'd make something work somehow... But I know I'm kidding myself , I've now told him I don't want him at the birth I don't want him anywhere near us and that he'll have to take me to court. I feel awful, I love him so much and this baby was planned and wanted more than anything , I cant believe he's done this to me. He's said he'll go to court..he's keeping his new girlfriend and he wants my baby too. Should I just get on with it and allow it ..let him come to the birth, let her be a part of my baby's life let them take my baby overnight every now and again... Or put a stop to it now and let it go to court... I never wanted this, I wanted him to be part of everything even with all the cheating but the fact he's moved in with someone and she has the front to come to me and tell me she's going to do this that and the other just sickens me. My baby isn't even here yet and I'm already having to think about sharing her with a woman I've never met. I don't know what to do for the best, I still love him and I know that's clouding my judgement, I just don't see why he should get this new happy life and my baby included when I've been left, completely alone, after almost 8 years together. I'm so sad and confused 😭

I would say I don’t think the baby is actually his, block him and as PPs have said, don’t name him on the birth certificate or give DD his surname.

@Puppers at what point did I say overnights were acceptable? If you read up, I'm pretty sure what I said was they weren't reasonable.

My view, which I have to expressed multiple times, is that the OP should not be trying to totally block access to the baby's father as she has said she is doing. This is not in anyone's best interests and she will lose control entirely if this goes to court.

I also don't think OP should lie about anything to a court or the father to suit her own agenda. Ground breaking stuff I know.

There is nothing to stop the father or the child seeking 50/50 residency of this child and there is no reason that we are aware of that this wouldn't be granted once the child is not a baby and as their needs change.

I never said courts or social workers tell mothers how to feed their children, that's just people on Mumsnet apparently. I said that they would take this into account while carrying out a needs assessment.

You seem to have misunderstood almost everything I have said and I can only assume you've done this intentionally to be obtuse as the alternative is that you're just not very bright.

You think “reasonable access” is overnights for him and his new girlfriend with a newborn? It’s clear that OP is in a state of complete panic, having been totally blindsided and subjected to batshit demands via the new girlfriend and has said “take me to court” in a knee jerk reaction.

Luckily you’re not a judge in the family courts as that demands an understanding of the law and (hopefully) a level of compassion and empathy that generally isn’t possessed by people who stalk threads on Mumsnet for the sole purpose of trying to alarm and upset vulnerable women at their darkest moments.

No I don't at all and never said. But I think it's completely unreasonable to him and his child to completely deny him any access which is what half of pp's seem to be advising

@NalaNana partly I was referring to this comment of yours:

What's unreasonable is saying he can't see the child at all, or some of the advice on here saying to pretend she's breastfeeding even if she isn't, to alienate him even once it's not unreasonable for him to have time at his house

It isn’t reasonable for a small baby to be handed over for visitation away from its mother, so claiming to be breastfeeding is not
intended to prevent reasonable contact or alienate him. Not sure how much clearer that can be made.

And also this one:

She can't do this forever. In a year's time he might be going for 50/50 shared custody. It's better to just be reasonable from the off, and not get into the game playing. No one benefits in the end.

He can “go for” whatever he wants. No court is going to order 50/50 contact with a 1 year old. As I said, you clearly have no clue how any of this works.

As an aside, yes the infant does benefit from not being separated from its mother.

Getting hung up on the heinous crime of lying about breastfeeding (which won’t be taken into consideration by anybody or be any part of any assessment. Still no clue what you’re talking about there) betrays an ability to think critically. It’s the same as primary kids who can’t see the grey area; everything is right and wrong, black and white. Lying about breastfeeding makes no material difference, other than helping OP not to be railroaded into harmful and inappropriate contact arrangements that are bad for her and bad for her baby. But just as long as she hasn’t lied that's all that matters eh 🙄

@Puppers are you saying that you don't think it's reasonable for a baby to spend any period of time away from it's mother? Until what age? Almost every mother I know has spent more than a few hours away from her baby within the first 6 months of it's life. There is no long term harmful impact of that. If it's reasonable to leave a 6 month baby with a grandparent for 2 hours I don't see why it's unreasonable to leave a 6 month baby with it's father for 2 hours, especially when OP was with this man for 8 years, planned this child and said that she wanted him in its life.

The only reason she is blocking contact is because she doesn't want to share the baby with his new girlfriend (fine in the short term) and she doesn't think it's fair that he gets to be happy. That is not an argument that will sway a judge into blocking access and you know it.

I think the problem here @NalaNana is that this isn't a 6 month old baby, it's going to be a newborn. I'm also 8.5 months pregnant and as part of preparing for birth I'm also preparing my dh for how he can support me especially if it's a difficult or traumatic birth and especially if I develop pnd. If my dh left me and was messaging me at this stage saying "I want my new girl friend and the baby" as quoted by op I cannot begin to imagine how vulnerable I would feel if he decided to pursue that in court when I had just given birth and was feeling fragile and wasn't prepared for it. I understand where you are coming from, but your advice leaves op wide open to being exploited by her ex and for him to manipulate the legal system to go against her if she's vulnerable after birth. That is why she needs to get things in place now while she has a reasonably clear head so that when baby comes her ducks are in a row and if she didn't feel fit for making big decisions there would be someone in place to guide her and keep her right. If things change in future then that will be assessed properly by the courts, contact will be arranged as per the best interests of the child not op or her ex and will be reviewed in that way until op feels that her ex has behaved respectfully enough that they can start to have open dialogue around what's best for the child. Stability is important to children's development and while it's part of having an ex sometimes I would be concerned that he's wanting such a new gf to be involved in baby's life so quickly. That gives major alarm bells for me that right now he's thinking about what he wants and what would suit him rather than seeing the wider context. He may choose not to exploit the system or op, and then things can always be reviewed and changed as they feel is appropriate. But I wouldn't be starting off on the back foot.

And yes, lots of people do choose to leave their babies in the first 6 months of their life for a few hours. But it's by choice, with a person of their choosing when they feel ready to do that. Not because they've been bullied into it from the beginning by someone they don't trust who has hurt them. I think anyone would find the idea of that distressing and op is only human.

@Cw112 I'm also pregnant and can sympathise with OP. I don't think she's thinking with a clear head right now, I think she's panicking and so is acting impulsively.

I'm glad you feel that your partner can support you and a child. I will also be trusting my partner with the baby while I am sleeping/shopping/generally unavailable. Some posters on here would leave you to believe that a baby shouldn't leave a mother's side indefinitely.

Hope this is a joke. Jesus Chris wtf. Hay yeah lobe you so much whilst your cheating, here's the baby aswell for you and your new gf. Can't believe what I'm reading. Pull ur finger out grow a backbone n tell the cheating asshole to fek of

Ignore whatever nalanana is saying she sounds like a gran who’s son separated from the mother of his child

Oh sorry she’s not she in a relationship so totally different and judging this situation by her end situation. Leaving a baby with a supportive partner and decent human being is totally different than handing your baby to a stranger

Oops sorry I read your message wrong x

@Summerholidays2022 you did give me a little chuckle. It's funny how you can be perceived on an anonymous forum 😂

If you are in the UK do NOT put him on the birth certificate as that gives him the same rights as you. Make it clear that he can have visitation when baby is born but his latest gf is not welcome. She is a stranger to both you and your baby and she is to stay completely out of it. Tell him it is not OK for her to contact you about how she will care for YOUR BABY as she will not be meeting your baby until they have been together say at least a year. By the sounds of his record it won't last that long and you don't want different women in and out of your child's life. Set your ground rules with him and stick to them.

Thankyou everyone for your response. I feel very strongly about the fact that he should be on the birth certificate, he is her father and I don't want her growing up without him on there, I will however be giving her my surname. For those of you who have asked no, we are not married, we were engaged but ... thankfully now ...never tied the knot! I received a message from him today telling me that I am nobody, I am just someone he happened to get pregnant and this new woman is the love of his life. I don't understand how anyone can be so cruel and so heartless. I have to move forward and I have to move on but I don't know how, I'm hoping once my daughter is born I will see a way forward. I'm still in two minds about the birth, one minute I don't want him there , the next I do, again, my love for him clouds my view. I know I should hate him but I just don't have it in me, I aren't a spiteful person which is why he will be on the birth certificate. I just don't know how I'm going to manage everything , I've told him there will be no days out or over night stays for my daughter with him and his new girlfriend... That's as mean as I've managed to be even after his awful message today a part of me still just wants him to come home. It all feels unreal , this can't be my life 😔

Easier said than done unfortunately but thankyou for your input

All the best for you and your daughter.

You have made the right decision.

Please please google what rights he has with parental responsibility. It’s automatically granted if he’s on the certificate. These are all the ways he can control you and your child’s life regardless of if he’s in it.

Holy shit I’m so sorry. What this man and his teenage girlfriend are doing to you while pregnant is fucking terrible. You are right to leave them out of the birth. You will be emotional, exposed and at the most vulnerable you have ever been. You deserve privacy and your dignity. You cannot have that while him and his silly girlfriend that’s frankly probably just a fling in there. Trust me. He has done nothing to earn his place in that room and certainly neither has she.

Frankly from his perspective this sounds very much like self sabotage. He’s realized that he’s made a mistake and can’t handle fatherhood she probably is not ready to commit to you which is probably why he is not married to you but then realized that a baby is a bigger commitment to a person than a marriage certificate is. That’s why he’s having all these ridiculously fast forward flings. While I know that love at first sight exists, it is the exception not the rule and this definitely is not it. He’s being an idiot. He is not the man for you and he will be a ridiculous father to your child. I’m sorry he is doing this to you. He is certainly doing it to himself because he clearly has deep seated issues that have made a balanced functioning relationship impossible for him. I’m sure there where red flags way down the line. But focusing on them is not helpful. Look after yourself and your baby because he is certainly not going to.

No, he cannot be at the birth. He forfeited that right of a partner when he left you.

I wouldn't entertain giving him access for the first 6 weeks or so. Whenever you feel ready. You need to try to focus on yourself and your daughter. Once you've got feeding sorted, settled in and you feel that you can deal with him. Put something in place that works for you. If he proves himself, let him look after your daughter in your home for a couple of hours. It could enable you to get some sleep, shower, clean. Don't let him railroad you into unsuitable access when you're recovering from the birth and vulnerable.

It won't cause any harm if your ex doesn't have access when your daughter is a newborn. There won't be any lasting effects on bonding, father/daughter relationship. Primary focus is the welfare of your daughter and your postpartum health / postnatal wellbeing. If he was a half decent man and had his unborn child's best interests at heart, he would have left you after she was born and a few months old/finished mat leave. Instead he's me me me, my happiness, my rights and not what's in the best interest of the child.

Good luck and rest before she arrives. Look after yourself.

Please don’t put him on the birth certificate OP. I understand you want to do what you feel is best for your child- but putting him on there is not it. He has proved himself to be unreliable, dishonest, mean, cowardly and a million other things, and his comments about you handing the baby over to him and his GF when she’s born for overnight stays show so clearly that he doesn’t have the baby’s best interests at heart. It doesn’t mean you’re going to block him from seeing her, but YOU need to be in the driving seat, making the decisions that are best for your baby daughter. It isn’t petty to leave him off, it’s the best way to step up and protect your daughter against someone who has let her down before she’s even been born. Don’t let your love for him cloud your judgment here.

Exactly. The advice here is mental!

The only sensible post on here!