Partner left me 8 months pregnant and 2 weeks later had a new girlfriend

[EJLx]

I'm currently days away from having my baby and her dad has just admitted he's in a new relationship and has moved in with this woman, he decided he'd tell me now because they would both like to have my daughter over at their house for sleepovers when she's born. He left me at 6 months pregnant with no explanation, then weeks later came back and said he'd made a mistake so we got back together.... 2 months later he left me again only this time it came out that he'd been seeing other woman and telling them how he'd love to be with them and not me, telling me he was on night shifts when he was actually taking different women out, I say women, they were 18/19 early 20s. We haven't been together since, he swore blind none of it was true but minds were already made up and we'd decided we would leave it and just concentrate on being parents. He moved out to live with friends and he'd come round and see me, telling me he was sorting himself out and he wasn't with anyone and he was putting all his efforts into sorting himself out for when our daughter is born. In the last few days it's come to light that he's actually in a full blown relationship with someone, not one of the ones from before, and hes moved in with her. I received a message from her telling me how she's going to love and look after my daughter and they want her to stay over at their house when she's born....out of the blue, it was only a day before this that he was telling me he's living between friends and has no fixed address. I tried to be nice and grown up and I said it was fine and that we'd make something work somehow... But I know I'm kidding myself , I've now told him I don't want him at the birth I don't want him anywhere near us and that he'll have to take me to court. I feel awful, I love him so much and this baby was planned and wanted more than anything , I cant believe he's done this to me. He's said he'll go to court..he's keeping his new girlfriend and he wants my baby too. Should I just get on with it and allow it ..let him come to the birth, let her be a part of my baby's life let them take my baby overnight every now and again... Or put a stop to it now and let it go to court... I never wanted this, I wanted him to be part of everything even with all the cheating but the fact he's moved in with someone and she has the front to come to me and tell me she's going to do this that and the other just sickens me. My baby isn't even here yet and I'm already having to think about sharing her with a woman I've never met. I don't know what to do for the best, I still love him and I know that's clouding my judgement, I just don't see why he should get this new happy life and my baby included when I've been left, completely alone, after almost 8 years together. I'm so sad and confused 😭

But your father had legitimate reasons for only visiting occasionally. The sort of 'absent father' we're talking about is the kind who makes arrangements, then cancels them because he found something better to do. eg; a football match, or a friend's party.

Sending you and strength OP.
Firstly, take your time to think what you actually want. You and your baby are the most important people in this scenario. Your judgement will be influenced by your hormones at the moment, preparing for the arrival, which is as it should be. You shouldn’t be expected to deal with cheating partners and pushy “girlfriends” so don’t!
If you have the slightest doubt about what YOU want, say no. It’s very much easier to change a No than it is to change a yes. For example, if you agree to having him at the birth and it proves unhelpful, or you change your mind at the last minute it’s harder to get him out than to ask him to come in. Once he’s on the birth certificate you can’t remove him- and he then has rights that last a lifetime. He can be added later if that’s what you want (and he agrees) but not removed. Let him look after the baby for an hour at “her” house in the early days, it’s hard to end the arrangement, not so hard to allow it now and again or increase the time later when / if you feel confident and ready … and so on.
Take care and good luck.

He was pretty fickle before that. He came and went, then my mum said no. I never saw him again after I was 4 years old. No contact. I would rather have had the fickle contact, regardless of the circumstances

@NalaNana she's been walked all over by her ex and his latest girlfriend. She's had her buttons pushed and her boundaries well and truly crossed and she's unsurprisingly snapped.

Imagine being heavily pregnant and your OH walking out on you after 8 years of being together and then all of a sudden having to deal with a new woman in the scene that has actively gone to it of her way to say she wants to play a part in your child's life?! Come on....give op a break!!

I doubt very much the op wants to alienate her child from the father. She's said that in anger and it's absolutely justified.

That said, you are still missing the point. Granted op hasn't given us anymore information but from what she's said, her ex and his latest girlfriend are expecting to have it all their way. Do you really think her ex will be allowed to come and visit on his own by his new girlfriend? They want this baby on their own on their terms and that's where the issue lies. They are trying to walk all over OP.

I don't think for a second that he will be coming over for visits alone (which is how it should be). He will want to pick the baby up and go play happy families which is absolutely unacceptable. They should be respecting OP and going along with whatever she says.

It’s taking away his fundamental right to be acknowledged as the child father.
I am totally behind the OP she seems amazing I would be committing murder at the present time !

@bettyfreddy snapping is understandable but weaponising the child in that moment isn't justified and I'm surprised anyone would think so.

It should be on both of their terms, the child is no more the mother's than it is the father's. She hasn't been walked all over. He's told her what he wants, she's perfectly in her rights to say no, no overnights and only access at the family home for the first however months. That's not unreasonable. What's unreasonable is saying he can't see the child at all, or some of the advice on here saying to pretend she's breastfeeding even if she isn't, to alienate him even once it's not unreasonable for him to have time at his house.

She can't do this forever. In a year's time he might be going for 50/50 shared custody. It's better to just be reasonable from the off, and not get into the game playing. No one benefits in the end.

@SuSen sorry I am rubbish with replying quoting etc !

Dad should have been there for the time it took to put his name on the certificate for his child's sake even if he used the OP for sex and moved onto his next usee aka the Girlfriend. I wonder how many women he will use and discard like tissues? Maybe any woman near who have sex with him should use birth control.

OP might know; but it is still blank and when the child has to produce it it will be blank and it will look Dad used Mum like a tissue then fucked off, meanwhile Mum knows who but cannot officially say who.

Yes of course he can, and good dads will, but that will involve him in actively making an effort , finding out how to apply, filling in forms, making declarations, appearing in court, showing evidence of financial support, visits, concern for the child’s well-being and development and for most dead beat dads that is frankly all too much trouble.

And in the meantime baby’s mum will have been noting down the lack of financial support for the baby, the lack of interest in the child’s development, the broken appointments for visits and all the other parental failures which she then shows the court to explain why she didn’t want him to have his name on the BC in the first place.

@viques some good dAds can't afford court

It costs about £300 to file a C100

@CloseYourEyesAndSee and thats it ? No other costs at all

@viques I agree whole heartedly. Although I was told as long as the father could pick the child out in a crowd and hadn't any convictions for child sexual offences, violence against children or neglect of a child they would be awarded PR. That's not to say hand it to them in a plate. The OP's ex needs to show he deserves PR I'm my opinion after his behaviour towards the woman pregnant with their child. Not saying deny it forever just ensure he is active in obtaining it and showing him worthy of the responsibility.

@NalaNana

You are peddling a pile of nonsense here.

Keeping his name off the BC means the man will have to prove himself a committed parent before he is allowed to care for the child he has recently abandoned.

Has he contacted the OP to make sure he has her contact details right so he can send an adequate amount monthly for the financial support of the baby?

Has he ordered a few weeks of food delivery for the mother so she won't have to worry about shopping or feeding herself?

If he wants to support the child he needs to support the mother. Is he currently doing that in any way, shape, or form?

Or is he contemplating playing happy families with his new girlfriend, using the baby as a toy?

The law very rightly allows a mother to refuse to jeopardise her own life and her child's by allowing a man who has no real, demonstrable interest in her welfare or her child's to have a say in any of the details of their lives.

@mathanxiety except he doesn't have to prove any of those things in order to have his parental responsibility recognised does he? He would only need to apply to court and prove he is the father. No judge is going to ask if he ordered some food for his ex girlfriend before making that decision. Utter waffle.

You've got some issues quite honestly

The bar is much, much lower than this when it comes to PR.

Once paternity is proven (which can be done relatively quickly with a test) the presumption is that the father will have PR.

They don't have to show the things you've outlined (e.g. making sure the child's mother has food, checking if maintenance will be enough, whether he is planning to play 'happy families' with his girlfriend etc) in order to retain PR.

The bar should be much higher than it currently is of course but the law is nowhere near the thresholds you outlined. In reality, unless he presents an immediate danger to the child's welfare, he will retain PR.

Unfortunately, as an example, even men who have abused a child's mother more often than not retain PR and have visitation with their children. Scarily often that court mandated visitation is unsupervised.

Just want to be realistic about what's likely.

Thank you @Puppers for your reply to @STARCATCHER22

Calling someone they don't know deranged when I wouldn't say it was too out there, that had me really questioning myself. And after a long and stressful day that I wasn't expecting, stupidly almost reduced me to tears.

I just thought that it's unfair that a court could give a dad and a brand new Gf extra access to a baby just because the mum chooses not to or struggles and can't BF and thought it would be better for the mum to have the same "bond" with feeding their baby without them being taken and "loved" by someone who has been around for a matter of weeks.

I get this is AIBU, but I didn't post a question so seriously with the venom?? Deranged is a VERY strong word.

Thanks again, Puppers, for saving me from a spiral

@startfresh you advised the OP to pretend she was breastfeeding in order to manipulate and abuse a legal process which would prevent a father from the type of access to his child that he otherwise would be entitled to, because he ended a romantic relationship. Not that I think that's ever justified, but I might understand that type of action where the father was abusive or a danger to the child.

I'm sure you meant well, but imagine if that was your son who was on the receiving end of this. Your grandchild that you couldn't see without a court order!

What on earth are you talking about? Preventing a father from having access?? She did nothing of the sort. Lying about breastfeeding isn’t going to prevent a father from getting access he is otherwise entitled to. What utter rubbish. No court is going to order overnight contact with a baby, regardless of how it’s fed. No court is going to order that a newborn be separated from its mother for any amount of time, or that an older baby is separated for more than a couple of hours regardless of how it is fed. What breastfeeding (or claiming to) does mean is that it shuts down the conversation with the baby’s father when he begins to make inappropriate demands - or at least provides a clear cut argument that he cannot easily refute. It’s good advice purely from the perspective that it may well bolster OP’s confidence in dealing with an extremely unreasonable and controlling man.

You are now deliberately targeting a poster who has openly said she did not cope well with being picked on the first time around. And yet you think you can claim some kind of moral high ground!

@Puppers do you not accept that a court/social worker will look at the way a child is being fed in determining that child's needs and best interests? At least in the short term, within the first 6-12 months.

And by the way yes I do think there is a moral high ground in keeping things honest.

Read your post back to yourself and then cast all thoughts of love for this immature prick from your mind. Not easy, but doable if you channel all of the anger you should be feeling and use it productivity. Block the girlfriend, say absolutely nothing to her. She does not get anywhere near your child. You'll have to decide if you want him in your child's life but do it on your terms. Let him take you to court, I really doubt he will bother.

You don’t have a moral high ground. You are speaking on something you very obviously don’t have even a scant working knowledge of, and you’re targeting a poster who has done nothing wrong and who has made it clear they are struggling tonight.

Your comments are littered with false statements. NR parents are vanishingly unlikely to be granted overnight access for babies and preschoolers. You seem to be labouring under the total misapprehension that this man could be entitled to overnight access with a baby and be granted 50/50 custody with a one year old.

Courts and social workers are not in the business of telling mothers how to feed their babies as a matter of routine so I’m not sure why you think they would be interested in OP’s case.

Good god what a pair of skanks they are. Ignore him, block her. Don't let him to birth, don't let him even know you're in labour. Tell him when YOU want to, he deserves nothing. Register the birth asap with no father listed. Give him zero contact with the baby except at a neutral place, for a short time, him alone with you & baby, no gf. Do not negotiate with him, maybe offer a weekly meeting at your parents or coffee shop, anywhere you feel safe and he cannot kick off. Do not discuss registering the birth, just ignore him, say you'll do it when you're ready. Quite frankly, he will lose interest in his child, if he and gf are serious he will focus on her. You just protect yourself and your child and keep them safe. Do not allow overnights, obviously, if the subject comes up it needs to be when child is sleeping through and you trust him. I really hope he justdisappears and you can single parent in peace & success. I have 2 granddaughters whose dad's do not bother, both my girls are now happy, successful, have finished uni, and are lovely girls.

I dunno how it would pan out in reality but if I was the courts and your ex did decide to take legal action then I'd take a very dim view of a mum who left him off the birth certificate and denied him reasonable access for no apparent reason other than he couldn't keep it in his pants and I'd be aiming to award him whatever I could.... I know it's awful for you but you need to think about what's right for the baby and alienating their parent without solid reason just isn't what's right sorry.