Page 8 | Partner left me 8 months pregnant and 2 weeks later had a new girlfriend

EJLx · 2022-10-29T00:24:22+00:00

I'm currently days away from having my baby and her dad has just admitted he's in a new relationship and has moved in with this woman, he decided he'd tell me now because they would both like to have my daughter over at their house for sleepovers when she's born. He left me at 6 months pregnant with no explanation, then weeks later came back and said he'd made a mistake so we got back together.... 2 months later he left me again only this time it came out that he'd been seeing other woman and telling them how he'd love to be with them and not me, telling me he was on night shifts when he was actually taking different women out, I say women, they were 18/19 early 20s. We haven't been together since, he swore blind none of it was true but minds were already made up and we'd decided we would leave it and just concentrate on being parents. He moved out to live with friends and he'd come round and see me, telling me he was sorting himself out and he wasn't with anyone and he was putting all his efforts into sorting himself out for when our daughter is born. In the last few days it's come to light that he's actually in a full blown relationship with someone, not one of the ones from before, and hes moved in with her. I received a message from her telling me how she's going to love and look after my daughter and they want her to stay over at their house when she's born....out of the blue, it was only a day before this that he was telling me he's living between friends and has no fixed address. I tried to be nice and grown up and I said it was fine and that we'd make something work somehow... But I know I'm kidding myself , I've now told him I don't want him at the birth I don't want him anywhere near us and that he'll have to take me to court. I feel awful, I love him so much and this baby was planned and wanted more than anything , I cant believe he's done this to me. He's said he'll go to court..he's keeping his new girlfriend and he wants my baby too. Should I just get on with it and allow it ..let him come to the birth, let her be a part of my baby's life let them take my baby overnight every now and again... Or put a stop to it now and let it go to court... I never wanted this, I wanted him to be part of everything even with all the cheating but the fact he's moved in with someone and she has the front to come to me and tell me she's going to do this that and the other just sickens me. My baby isn't even here yet and I'm already having to think about sharing her with a woman I've never met. I don't know what to do for the best, I still love him and I know that's clouding my judgement, I just don't see why he should get this new happy life and my baby included when I've been left, completely alone, after almost 8 years together. I'm so sad and confused 😭

bewarethetides · 29/10/2022 12:39

I rarely suggest this, but I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate; make him go to court.

Refuse to allow him at the birth.

He can visit the baby for 'x' number of hours per week at your home in your presence. But the baby will not be going to his house to play 'house' with his girlfriend and your baby without a court order.

TicTac80 · 29/10/2022 12:40

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. He sounds awful, and the new girlfriend had no business messaging you like that!

FWIW, DC1's Dad had walked before he was born, and turned into an absolute tool. He also moved overseas. 3yrs later he contacted me and asked about being involved. I saw a solicitor, who said that he could be added to the Birth Cert, and told me the procedure for this, but advised me to be cautious about allowing this in the first instance. I told XP that I'd allow contact only if he was polite/civil to me, and if he actually meant it and would stay in regular contact (as I didn't want DC1 to be hurt and messed about). I told him that I wouldn't consider having him added to Birth Cert until he'd proved beyond doubt that he was in this for the long haul. He not only started paying child support (every month, without fail, including enough to cover the 3yrs previously), he also apologised (to me, and our family and friends) for his previous behaviour towards me and DC1, and has remained in frequent and regular contact ever since. After 3yrs of this, we had further talks and only then did I have him added to the Birth Certificate (he had to come with me for this). We co-parent well, he's polite and respectful. DC1 and him have a very close relationship, which is great.

In your situation, please please register the birth alone (i.e. don't let him come with you and have his name on the birth certificate) - I'm assuming that you're not married (if you were married, he'd automatically go on Birth Cert and have Parental Responsibility, even if you registered the birth alone). This isn't just a thing to just have "Dad's name on birth cert, and oh how nice that would be". You would be handing over equal Parental Responsibility to him (and he's shown that he's unreliable, unpredictable and behaving despicably). He could veto the school you send your child to, things to do with DC's health, it would mean he has a legal right to pick your DC up from school or childcare, he could veto travel/holidays abroad, and so on....all sorts of things, all through your DC's childhood and into teenage years.

As for contact, overnights wouldn't be in baby's best interests whilst newborn/so young. Contact would need to be built up to that.

I know things are scary, but you will be ok. Take it one day at a time, get support from family and friends, and don't let him upset and intimidate you into doing things you're not comfortable with (i.e. being at the birth etc). You do what is best for you and baby, and try to keep contact with him to text/email so that you have a written and time/date stamped record of it. Keep screen shots in case he tries to delete stuff. Wishing you all the best x

CecilyP · 29/10/2022 12:40

Seek proper advice about adding his name, surname etc.

What you definitely don’t want is him sorting out the birth certificate.

As OP has said partner, not husband, he cannot sort out the birth certificate. The only way he can be on it is if he comes to the registrar with her. She does not need more advice than that. If he wants to be included at a later stage, he is the one who needs to seek proper advice.

rosygirl13 · 29/10/2022 12:46

Wow! All I can say is you are definitely a better woman than I am! First of all, how did you not lose your sht when you received a message from this woman?? Oh my god I would’ve gone NUTS!! Absolutely in no circumstances would some woman I don’t know be having my baby over for nights, let alone as a newborn. In fact I wouldn’t even let the dad. A baby needs its mum, especially after birth. It really seems as if they just want to play house. Secondly, he has no rights to be there when you give birth. I also wouldn’t put him on the birth certificate as he’ll have parental rights, and give the baby your surname too. He walked out on you both, he doesn’t deserve sht from you. You go at your own pace and decide when and where contact is. If he wants to go to court, let him. He’ll be waiting months for a court date and that’s if he actually pays the £200 and something it costs to get the ball rolling! No court would demand you to hand the baby over for nights especially so young. It’s very hard to co-parent with a baby especially if you bring nights into the equation. Personally I would let him meet the baby once she’s born and your ready, and then go from there (if you want to). I don’t think he particularly has a claim to her seeing as he walked out on you both and shacked up with another woman wanting her to be this big step mum role. Personally I think he can get to f*ck!

Blocked · 29/10/2022 12:50

NalaNana · 29/10/2022 11:54

I'm shocked by some of the responses on here! Advising OP to breastfeed just to help her refuse access, nothing to do with whether that's best for her or the baby, all about denying the father.

Refusing access to the father is weaponising the child. You have no concerns about the father other than he left a romantic relationship with you. It seems as though you are punishing him for breaking your heart which is understandable but not fair. This man is the father to the child and should not have their parental responsibility blocked simply because they left that relationship.

You were in a relationship with him for 8 years, I assume you would have no issue with him seeing the baby if you were still in a relationship.

It actually isn't difficult to apply to court for parental responsibility, he only needs to prove he's the father, not that he's father of the year.

I'd understand more of the responses on here if there was genuine danger to the baby i.e previous history of abuse, addiction etc but none of that is relevant. This is exactly the kind of thing that father's rights charities campaign against!

Obviously block out the girlfriend, she has no legal rights over the child and is probably a child herself. Obviously don't have him at the birth if that isn't the best thing for you. But don't forget that one day this child will be an adult and they will know all about what happens next, don't give your ex the satisfaction of telling them how hard you tried to keep him away.

It is literally all about what is best for the baby. The father and his girlfriend want to remove the baby from her mother for extended periods which is not in babies best interests. Given such a lack of judgement, it can be assumed he won't put babies best interests first in other ways too. If he was really interested in this child he would have stuck around to parent her instead of fucking other women.

mamacattiva · 29/10/2022 12:52

mathanxiety · 29/10/2022 05:45

I am not surprised to see the naivete around putting a man's name on the birth cert. There are a lot of women here who have been conditioned to be kind to the point where you you shoot yourself in the foot and expect a pat on the back for selflessness.

Allowing a name on a birth cert is not merely a courtesy.

It has enormous repercussions as long as the child is a minor. A vindictive, bored, mean, abusive man can make a woman's life hell just because his name on the birth cert allows him rights over the child, which naturally impinge on the mother's life.

If this man genuinely wants to be a part of the baby's life then he needs to demonstrate interedt by financial support, and he needs to go to courtvto establish that he is for for the privilege of contact. I would strongly suggest that his conduct during the relationship, including abandonment of the mother while pregnant, is not an indication of any kind of concern for his baby.

No judge in family court will look askance at a woman who is not married refusing to out the name of the father on tbe birth cert. She can easily point to the appalling way the relationship broke down when she was pregnant, and the outrageous demand from the new girlfriend and the former BF to have the baby overnight from birth. If this man tries to insist on this he will be refused as the best interests of the baby cone first, and he will be shown up as a man trying to play keep away, not a man who puts the baby's best interests first.

👏 👏 👏

NalaNana · 29/10/2022 12:56

@Blocked it is not a condition of fatherhood to be in a romantic relationship with the mother, or even like the mother. Whoever he is fucking has absolutely nothing to do with being a father to the child.

Hardly extended periods of time either. He asked to have the baby overnight. Misguided yes, dangerous no. The bar for removal of children is very high and if everyone had their rights removed because of an affair or wanting to have their baby overnight not many people would have parental responsibility for their children.

A court will look at the best interests of the child if it comes to that. Lying about breastfeeding to manipulate that process, or breastfeeding only to manipulate that process, is gross.

NalaNana · 29/10/2022 12:58

I've also seen a distinct lack of discussion around the harm of parental alienation which is increasingly being considered by courts in the UK. You cannot view the child's best interests only in a way that favours the mother.

Dalekjastninerels · 29/10/2022 13:04

OP

Dump him and his pathetic girlfriend(fuckbuddy) May they give each other an STD while you have a happy and productive life.

Surename? Keep yours only and treat him like the useless whorefucker he is and don't worry about custody.

Usually I think any Surname is fine; but cheating scumbag and his fuckbuddy?

Give the tasteless unfussy fucker nothing

He may try but it will only be to upset you.

He has his fuckbuddy; let him suffer the consequences.

Move on OP either alone with your baby and/or a man who isn't weakened by the first woman who flings herself aka married man.

She could have hooked up with anyone but selected your husband.

She is a trollop and he is pathetic/

They deserve each other

Idealharpy · 29/10/2022 13:07

Some of this advice is really not good for you and this unborn baby.
I fully agree that you don't contact the girlfriend at all and you don't need to contact him until this baby is born.
Please remember that it's the relationship with you that he's messed up, he's not proven he's a bad father.
Not putting him on the birth certificate isn't the best idea. Again he is the father and he does deserve the chance to be a dad. He's hurt you but you'll end up bitter if you weaponise the child and really its the child that will suffer. They deserve the chance to have a dad in their life.
I speak from my own experience there.
Good luck with everything. It really will get better and hurt less. You've got this! xx

Dalekjastninerels · 29/10/2022 13:07

In case it was not obvious it was a typo I meant at a married man.

Idealharpy · 29/10/2022 13:08

NalaNana · 29/10/2022 12:56

@Blocked it is not a condition of fatherhood to be in a romantic relationship with the mother, or even like the mother. Whoever he is fucking has absolutely nothing to do with being a father to the child.

Hardly extended periods of time either. He asked to have the baby overnight. Misguided yes, dangerous no. The bar for removal of children is very high and if everyone had their rights removed because of an affair or wanting to have their baby overnight not many people would have parental responsibility for their children.

A court will look at the best interests of the child if it comes to that. Lying about breastfeeding to manipulate that process, or breastfeeding only to manipulate that process, is gross.

Absolutely all of this! This is the most balanced and best advice in this thread

BogRollBOGOF · 29/10/2022 13:09

Puppers · 29/10/2022 07:34

OP I'm so sorry he has done this to you. I can't imagine how you must be feeling.

Unfortunately you are in a time-critical situation and you need to very quickly put aside your heartbreak (for now) and get your practical and strategic head on. Don't allow him to take advantage of the fact he's left you reeling. You need to be the one who is in control and you need to be extremely firm because you are dealing with people who have no respect for you and no idea about appropriate and healthy boundaries. You have all of the power here. Use it.

Here is what I would do. In this order.

Block the girlfriend and never speak with her again. She is irrelevant.
Text or email the father and tell him that you don't wish to communicate further at the moment and will notify him once the baby is born. Then DO NOT respond to any further communication whatsoever. Block him until after the birth if necessary.
Make all practical plans relating to the birth and the immediate aftermath to make sure you have necessary support in place and do not need to contact him for anything. Do you have your mum or a sister nearby? Can they stay with you? Can you stay with them? Make sure everything is in place.
Breastfeed the baby if at all possible. This will give you an additional bit of armour in defending against inappropriate contact demands.
Once you are home from the hospital, text him to let him know that the baby has arrived and a photo and brief summary I.e. "Baby was born yesterday afternoon at X o clock weighing X lb X Oz and is healthy. I will be in touch shortly when I am sufficiently recovered from birth to discuss contact arrangements". Then do not respond to further communication and temporarily block if necessary.
Register the birth alone ASAP. Do not put his name on the birth certificate. The last thing you want is to give parental responsibility and all that goes along with it, to a man who has thus far proven he does not have the baby's best interests at heart. Let him prove himself and he can be added later without any drama. There's nothing stopping you from telling the child who their father is; it's not about hiding the truth or denying them knowledge of their parentage. It's a purely practical decision to prevent him from having the means to control you and your child for their entire childhood whilst being largely absent and not actually doing any parenting. He would have a say over school, medical decisions, whether they could be taken abroad. It is in your child's interests to take a cautious approach here.
After a few days, text or email to outline your contact offer. Frame this purely as what is best for the baby. Be concise, factual and neutral in tone. You need to imagine all your texts and emails being read out in court. "Dear Alan, As promised, I am writing in relation to contact with the baby. As it is clearly inappropriate to separate a young baby from its mother, and especially given that I am breastfeeding, all contact for the foreseeable will need to take place at my home with me present. A "little and often" approach is in the baby's best interests. I propose 2 hour visits, 3-4 times per week. Please let me know your preferred days/times for regular scheduled contact and I will do what I can to accommodate these. We can discuss contact away from me in the future at such time as it is appropriate, but I will not commit to that at this point as it will be led entirely by what is in the baby's best interests. Be aware that at the very least it will be when the baby is weaned, but possibly beyond that. I await to hear from you regarding proposed days and times for visitation. Kind regards, OP". DO NOT respond to or be drawn into a discussion about anything other than access for visitation. If he sends you a ranty email about how he wants to take the baby overnight and it's his right and blah blah blah, just very calmly reply that "as per my previous email, visitation will need to be in the baby's best interests, at my home with me present. I await to hear from you regarding days and times so that we can agree a schedule". If he persists with abusive or uncooperative emails then I'd just say "I will not respond to further communication unless you wish to discuss visitation as outlined in my email" and then stick to that. Don't respond to any nonsense. Worst case scenario, communication breaks down and he takes you to court. No court is going to grant anything wildly different from what you're offering.
Apply to CMS for maintenance.
Apply for all benefits that you are entitled to.
Build a support network and find groups to join, even if you don't feel like it at first. Try to leave the house every day.

My gut feeling is that when he realises he can't play happy families with his new girlfriend, and actually parenthood is about responsibility and consistency and commitment, he'll lose interest. By the baby's first birthday he'll probably be largely absent.

Another endorsement of this.

Baby is not a legally recognised person until they are born. Going into hospital for the birth, the mother is the patient. If you wouldn't want him at a tooth extraction do not invite him to an invasive medical process such as birth. He can meet baby after birth as other family will.

Parents are responsible for their baby/ child. He is not acting as a responsible parent at the moment and he's not demonstrating the level of responsibility required for an 18 year commitment to authorising school places/ passport applications/ going abroad/ moving house etc. Many men abuse this privilage to the detriment of their children and their ex-partners for the power it holds rather than using it for co-parenting in the interests of the child. Do not give this role away, it can't be undone.

He can gradually build an age appropriate relationship as baby grows. He can even apply retrospectively for parental responsibility if he can be bothered. Baby does not need him on the birth certificate or his surname to know who he is and to develop a relationship.

After the obvious physical needs such as food and warmth, what children really need to thrive is stability. Who their relations are matters less than being able to trust them and know they are reliable and consistent. An absent father is less damaging than a fickle one who comes and goes in phases of passing fancy.

Set firm, consistent boundaries and expectations from the begining.

Idealharpy · 29/10/2022 13:11

I just want to add that you absolutely do not have to share your baby with the girlfriend. AT ALL

BogRollBOGOF · 29/10/2022 13:14

Baby will automatically take the name Baby EJLx in hospital until they are named otherwise. They automatically follow their mother's name (for facilitating joined up care)

MajorCarolDanvers · 29/10/2022 13:15

What an aresehole

Until baby arrives ignore him and concentrate on yourself.

Re the birth - you decide who attends.

Once baby gets here you should enable access. Not for him but for baby. Baby has a right to a relationship with their father.

But small amounts of time until baby is older.

Id really recommend that you breastfeed (and for as long as possible) If he does go down the court route that will make it much less likely that he will get extended access or overnights.

You will be co-parenting for the next couple of decades so try to start thinking long term.

ThingsIhavelearnt · 29/10/2022 13:15

Fraaahnces · 29/10/2022 03:13

Honestly, I’d move. Change phone numbers. Don’t put his name on birth certificate. Give baby your surname. Have mum or best friend at birth. Think about whether you want cm or if you can manage alone. If you want it, set up email address for contact details and apply for cms.

This totally

MajorCarolDanvers · 29/10/2022 13:16

SuSen · 29/10/2022 03:54

I cannot stress enough that you should not put his name on baby's birth certificate. His name on the birth certificate will give him parental rights which means he will always have a say in your baby's life. He is not reliable and he is not respectful of you and by allowing his new partner to message you like this this shows just the type of father he would be. You and your baby girl will be much better without this man in your lives.
If he proves himself to be responsible and reliable once baby is here then fair enough but Do NOT give him parental rights, he will try to control your lives forever.

If he is the dad he can go to court and be added to the bc.

Dalekjastninerels · 29/10/2022 13:17

Idealharpy · 29/10/2022 13:07

Some of this advice is really not good for you and this unborn baby.
I fully agree that you don't contact the girlfriend at all and you don't need to contact him until this baby is born.
Please remember that it's the relationship with you that he's messed up, he's not proven he's a bad father.
Not putting him on the birth certificate isn't the best idea. Again he is the father and he does deserve the chance to be a dad. He's hurt you but you'll end up bitter if you weaponise the child and really its the child that will suffer. They deserve the chance to have a dad in their life.
I speak from my own experience there.
Good luck with everything. It really will get better and hurt less. You've got this! xx

I think yes put name of father on Certificate so it doesn't look like the baby's paternity is in question; but give the baby mother's surname only.

Father's name : James Parker ( for example fake name)
Mother's name: Sarah Jones (as above)

Baby's Name: Daisy Jones

Paternity in question should not be for anyone who knows who the father is; so yes put his name on there but give the baby yours.

THisbackwithavengeance · 29/10/2022 13:19

Idealharpy · 29/10/2022 13:07

Some of this advice is really not good for you and this unborn baby.
I fully agree that you don't contact the girlfriend at all and you don't need to contact him until this baby is born.
Please remember that it's the relationship with you that he's messed up, he's not proven he's a bad father.
Not putting him on the birth certificate isn't the best idea. Again he is the father and he does deserve the chance to be a dad. He's hurt you but you'll end up bitter if you weaponise the child and really its the child that will suffer. They deserve the chance to have a dad in their life.
I speak from my own experience there.
Good luck with everything. It really will get better and hurt less. You've got this! xx

I understand what you are saying, I really do, but equally I do think the OP needs to stand up for herself and not let her XP and his new GF walk all over her with their demands.

There's time enough for him to prove himself a Good Dad and a Good Dad would not insist on a newborn having overnight visitation away from its mother.

Also a Good Dad would not walk out on his pregnant partner after an 8 year relationship. I mean, where's the fucking loyalty? And why would you knowingly cause the mother of your unborn baby such stress and pain by walking out like that and then immediately taking up with someone else? He makes my lip curl.

I said it my previous post that he's unlikely to last the course once the new GF gets up the duff. He and the GF are probably just pissed off at the thought of having to fork out CM hence angling for 50/50.

toomuchlaundry · 29/10/2022 13:20

You really don’t want the father’s name on the birth certificate if the father is likely to want to cause problems and not be great at co-parenting.

Idealharpy · 29/10/2022 13:21

I have to disagree that an absent father is less damaging than a fickle one. I know it won't be the same for everyone but I definitely would have coped a lot better with some contact. Even as a small child. I found out in the last couple of years that my mum said to my dad exactly that and he stopped seeing me. It really hurt, he travelled around the world for work so I would have been happy with the odd contact here and there rather than him not being in my life at all.

bettyfreddy · 29/10/2022 13:21

NalaNana · 29/10/2022 12:58

I've also seen a distinct lack of discussion around the harm of parental alienation which is increasingly being considered by courts in the UK. You cannot view the child's best interests only in a way that favours the mother.

Parenthood doesn't start the moment the baby is born. It starts the moment you realise you are going to be a parent. Life changes from that moment on and every decision you make from that point affects your child.

In this case, he hasn't made ANY decisions that show he is putting his child first. He's been selfish and messed with the ops head. She is the primary carer and it is up to her to do what she feels is best for her child. If that means he has to take her to court then so be it.

His poor choices in her pregnancy have led to this. It's not like the poor OP has asked for this to happen. She has to now make the choices which feel right for the baby.

There is absolutely no way I would ever hand my baby over to him for a 'sleepover'. Contact would be on my terms and that's that. If he wants to be in the child's life then he will do whatever it takes. It's up to him to make sure he is not alienated from his child not the OP. Unfortunately he's made this very hard for himself being a selfish twat. There is absolutely no way he should just expect the OP to go along with his demands!

DamnUserName21 · 29/10/2022 13:27

I think yes put name of father on Certificate so it doesn't look like the baby's paternity is in question; but give the baby mother's surname only.

This is outdated. Who would question paternity? No one gives a shit aside from the people involved. The child can easily have a relationship with the father irrespective of what's on the BC but this depends on the father (and if they decide to be an actual parent and not just a sperm-donor.)

Idealharpy · 29/10/2022 13:29

THisbackwithavengeance · 29/10/2022 13:19

I understand what you are saying, I really do, but equally I do think the OP needs to stand up for herself and not let her XP and his new GF walk all over her with their demands.

There's time enough for him to prove himself a Good Dad and a Good Dad would not insist on a newborn having overnight visitation away from its mother.

Also a Good Dad would not walk out on his pregnant partner after an 8 year relationship. I mean, where's the fucking loyalty? And why would you knowingly cause the mother of your unborn baby such stress and pain by walking out like that and then immediately taking up with someone else? He makes my lip curl.

I said it my previous post that he's unlikely to last the course once the new GF gets up the duff. He and the GF are probably just pissed off at the thought of having to fork out CM hence angling for 50/50.

Show quote history

I do agree she has to stand up for herself and not have contact with the gf AT ALL. I also agree that overnight stays just aren't possible at first. I couldn't have my baby out of my sight for an hour without crying or something for the first few weeks! It's definitely something to work out between them and come up with something mum is comfortable with.
He is not a good partner and he is not a loyal or good guy, I agree but that doesn't automatically mean he'll not be a good dad.
At least when the kid is older and wants to know why dad isn't around (if he does disappear) mum can say she did the best she could to have him around but ultimately dad was the one who chose to not be around. It really does make a difference to a kid to know your mum fought for a relationship with dad.