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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband ordered FOR me?

236 replies

SirMoose · 28/10/2022 20:26

Going to start off by saying I have an eating disorder. Quite severely. It effects most areas of my life and I find eating very stressful. My husband knows I have an ED but I don’t think he quite grasps how bad it is and how difficult I find life. I also have some other issues going on currently that are effecting my executive functioning.

We decided this morning to get a takeaway tonight and watch a movie. This is great, I had plenty of time to think about and think about what I want to eat etc. Sat down to order tonight and he starts reeling off food from his mobile to me. Due to my functioning issues atm I found this really stressful as I couldn’t process anything he was saying and said to not worry about it I’ll have a look myself in a minute. I like to look through the menu and argue with myself in my head about what I’m going to eat. It’s just a little ritual I go through.

He then said it will be here in half an hour. So he just went ahead and ordered for me. I know he was trying to just avoid me stressing and thought he was doing a nice thing but I feel so anxious now. I’ve come upstairs for a little cry as I really don’t want to eat now, I feel like all the control has been taken away from me and I have no idea what’s arriving as he told me what he ordered verbally and I just can’t process things.

i know it’s probably me being a twat but Aibu to be this upset?

OP posts:
SirMoose · 29/10/2022 00:05

BlipFlipBopFlop · 28/10/2022 23:38

I'm trying to recover from an eating disorder and I was referred by my GP. I have a dietician and a counsellor. I had to wait around 4 months. I'm almost 31

There is help out there. Gp's dont have to understand it, they just have to refer you to the relevant services.

I can understand why people have gotten frustrated reading this. I'd be frustrated too if ordering a take away turned into such a big deal emotionally for everyone involved.

Somthing has gone terribly wrong here if none of the services are engaging with the OP. If gp's dont have an on the day appointment ( which most dont nowadays ) you can always ask for the next available appointment ( somtimes a few weeks later )

No one can help the OP right now but herself. If services have disengaged she needs to be on it and ring them up and speak to them.

Some ED clinics will accept self referrals. Always worth researching

I’m sorry but I’ve never lived anywhere where I can get an appointment that’s not on the day.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 29/10/2022 00:15

Beat's guidelines say very plainly that you shouldn't talk specifics (how much/little, what you eat) in peer-support contexts, and on their chats, anything like "I didn't eat for 4 days" or even mentioning how you purge or specific foods would not be shown

My comment about not eating for 4 days was only to illustrate to a PP that "getting help" is not that simple. At my worst I was discharged from hospital and offered no help at all from anyone despite them all being told by me, what had landed me there!

It was to help educate those saying "You should be seeking help instead of refusing it" that it really aint that simple! And as you can see......I have not been able to access any help at all so how the hell would I know what is helpful or not?!

BlipFlipBopFlop · 29/10/2022 00:21

SirMoose · 29/10/2022 00:05

I’m sorry but I’ve never lived anywhere where I can get an appointment that’s not on the day.

I dont understand. I thought i read upthread that you ring up everyday and still havnt got an appointment? If you can get an appointment then make the appointment. If you cant, then ask for the next available appointment

SirMoose · 29/10/2022 00:26

BlipFlipBopFlop · 29/10/2022 00:21

I dont understand. I thought i read upthread that you ring up everyday and still havnt got an appointment? If you can get an appointment then make the appointment. If you cant, then ask for the next available appointment

There are no appointments!!!!!

OP posts:
SirMoose · 29/10/2022 00:27

And no you can’t ask for next available appointments that’s what I’ve literally just said. Your purposefully twisting what I’m saying for what? What are you getting out of this?

OP posts:
BlipFlipBopFlop · 29/10/2022 00:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Jourdain11 · 29/10/2022 00:37

OP, d'you mind if I ask why the MH services won't engage with you any longer?

If you do mind me asking, please ignore!

Summerfun54321 · 29/10/2022 00:42

Been there OP. There is hope that your situation will improve. Have you tried calling ED charities for advice?

artishard · 29/10/2022 01:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Cantstandbullshit · 29/10/2022 02:06

MarshaMelrose · 28/10/2022 20:36

Your husband asked you what you wanted.
You said let me look and I'll tell you.
He ignored you and ordered straightaway.

If that's what happened, that seems a bit rude.

Not if as she acknowledged she is very uncertain and takes ages trying to decide and then getting upset that she can’t decide. I’m sure he’s also struggling to figure out how to help her. If she’s so bad she had to go cry because she lost control because she couldn’t comprehend what he orders because he role her verbally. She needs serious help

BagpussBagpussOldFatFurryCatpuss · 29/10/2022 02:10

We decided this morning to get a takeaway tonight and watch a movie. This is great, I had plenty of time to think about and think about what I want to eat etc. Sat down to order tonight and he starts reeling off food from his mobile to me. Due to my functioning issues atm I found this really stressful as I couldn’t process anything he was saying and said to not worry about it I’ll have a look myself in a minute. I like to look through the menu and argue with myself in my head about what I’m going to eat. It’s just a little ritual I go through.

Ok so learn what you need to from this.

You decided in the morning that your evening meal was going to be a takeaway.
You had all day to think about and write down your order.

In future, pass your prepared order onto your DH so that he can add it to his OR ask him if you can add it yourself when he’s done.

It’s then a simple matter of completing the order.
You read yours out, he reads his out.
Type it in on-line or phone it through.

wacademia · 29/10/2022 02:27

He reeled off a list of food items and I couldn’t process it all.

I'm autistic and someone talking a lot of information at me is more than I can process. I can't follow spoken directions to places either.

YANBU. He could have given you the phone to see the list and given you a few minutes to make your decision. Men making decisions for their wives is a red flag for abuse, it shows a disrespect for your autonomy.

mathanxiety · 29/10/2022 02:35

Have you looked into the cost of private therapy?

mathanxiety · 29/10/2022 02:37

I mean the cost if you were to self pay.

You can't let money get in the way of making an improvement in your lives.

AuntieDickhead · 29/10/2022 02:41

BlipFlipBopFlop · 29/10/2022 00:21

I dont understand. I thought i read upthread that you ring up everyday and still havnt got an appointment? If you can get an appointment then make the appointment. If you cant, then ask for the next available appointment

My Dr's only do on the day appointments, which are practically impossible to get.

@SirMoose I totally see where you're coming from. I don't have an ED, but do struggle with executive functioning. If someone read a menu out to me and asked what I wanted I'd have no idea. I need to look at it. If someone reeled of a list of what they'd ordered I'd get confused (unless it was only 2/3 things).
If someone ordered for me I'd be furious! Unless I asked them too. Which I did occasionally when I was with my ex as I'd be so overwhelmed I couldn't make a decision beyond maybe "a chicken dish".

I hope you manage to get some support soon.

OohMrBingley · 29/10/2022 02:54

You know, when someone has a serious health issue - whether it be physical or mental - it doesn’t just impact on the person with the health issue.

It also seriously impacts on the person who lives with, and loves them.

I have watched (almost always aging) women look after husbands after strokes, with Parkinson’s, with bipolar, with cancer - all sorts.

And while life is undoubtedly hardest for the person with the illness. The toll it takes on the person living with them can be immense. Overwhelming. It grinds them down.

I have all sympathy for you, OP.

I also have the utmost sympathy for your DH.

It sounds hellish for both of you. He could walk. Many partners do. But he hasn’t. And obviously doesn’t want to. You can be irate with him, if you want to be. Or you could try to put what he did in perspective, talk it out, and move on.

kateandme · 29/10/2022 02:57

No matter how I’ll you are with your mental illness or eating disorder you do not need to be getting help to be worthy of love,care and empathy and support. One of the biggest symptoms of mental illness especially ESPECIALLY Ed’s is that you CANT SEEK HELP. For many reasons both explained and not. But it’s a symptom a very horrid symptom that the disorder will not allow you to get help.
thetes also the other linked factors of unworthy,worthlessness etc

oh and Ed help us utter fucking shit.and. The help there might be is NOT fit for purpose.often dangerous for a sufferer

JoanOfAllTrades · 29/10/2022 02:59

Wow. There’s a lot of judgement on this thread and none of it is helpful at all!

An ED is not just physically harmful, it’s not ever fussy eating. It is actually a mental illness. I think you all that want to have a go and make @SirMoose feel guilty or whatever your thinking is, need to wind your necks in and move along to somewhere else!

When someone with disordered eating is not allowed to chose their own food, that one element that they feel that they can control is taken away!

It sounds to me like OP may well have a very old school GP who is unable to grasp what is going on with her. Or, like many others with this kind of illness, she may be avoiding the GP for fear of judgement.

So all you people judging her have just reinforced her worst fears! Well done 👍!

You know, the older I get, the more I see sisterhood and the concept of encouraging and understanding other women break down.

You all being unhelpful and judging her is perpetuating the cycle of her mental illness.

OP, I worked in MH services for adults as a nurse when I lived over there. There is help for you, no one will force feed you, but you have to take that first step, which is so very scary. It seems like your DH doesn’t really understand about the control aspects of ED and about cognitive and functional decline with ED.

If you would like, I can tap into my old colleagues and friends to see what’s available under the NHS now, as I’ve been away for quite a few years and things change!

The other consideration of course, is change. That in and of itself can be frightening to think about! The thoughts just buzzing around, what will happen, will I be hospitalised, will I be laughed at, how does getting referred work, do I have to tell people. All thoughts which can be framed as positive or negative and are usually framed as negative, with negative thought answers.

Please do take care of yourself and forget the posters who don’t understand because the things they may say are because they don’t understand 🌹

Sindonym · 29/10/2022 03:12

OP - I haven’t read all the thread but I have read your posts. It jumped out at me that you have been taken of your meds for bipolar. Who took you off and why? Is this something you can challenge? When were you taken off? We’re you tapered off or did they just stop suddenly? It may explain why things are particularly difficult now & presumably won’t help your ED.

I know MH services are shit. I hope things can improve for you soon.

Teaandcrumpets95 · 29/10/2022 03:30

A lot of these posters have never had an eating disorder and it really fucking shower, OP I'm sorry for the responses you've had here.

I have had an ed, thankfully I recovered several years ago but I remember and understand exactly where you're coming from. Ed's create a very specific trauma to the mind and body and affect almost every single function.

It sounds like your husband had good intentions but I would have been absolutely livid if my husband did that for me, it's all about control and taking that away can cause a spiral.

To answer your question; no I don't think you were BU.

But Ed do cause unreasonable behaviour because they are a mental health disorder.

I can remember very vividly wandering around my city trying to find an appropriate sandwich for 4 hours one time. I exhausted myself and reduced myself to tears and ended up not getting a sandwich.

I used to have to plan every tiny detail and the smallest deviation would mean I went without anything at all. I'm glad to hear you did end up eating. I would talk to your husband about not doing what he did in the future. And I would also spend try and plan throughout the day what you'll have when the time comes, I found it the only way to push through and knowing and being able to think about it beforehand and research and look at the food really helped. I also stuck to chain restaurants for these reasons.

Stay strong op, take care of yourself and I truly hope and pray things get better for you. Things can get better and even though it doesn't feel like it, there is a life after an Ed I promise that ( I'm awake as feeding my 6 month old). If you ever want to talk feel free to message me, but I sincerely wish the best for you xxx

Spottingtwerps · 29/10/2022 04:21

Wow! Just wow.

GoodnightGentleBoris · 29/10/2022 04:27

What a horrible thread in which people are being absolute arseholes to someone clearly struggling with their mental health for absolutely no reason. MN at its worst, full of posters determined to kick someone when they’re down and do their best to twist their words and point out exactly why they’re to blame.

Wouldn’t blame you for telling everyone to fuck off tbh OP! Hope you get some help for your issues, sounds really hard

Spottingtwerps · 29/10/2022 04:36

Spottingtwerps · 29/10/2022 04:21

Wow! Just wow.

I thought i was replying to @feedthepeony s comment simply telling the OP she sounded awful. Why would you say such a thing and get into a tit for tat exchange in this way with someone who is obviously struggling with multiple MH issued and doesn't need such negativity and spite.

I can't delete my above comment, there is no option.

Soontobe60 · 29/10/2022 05:19

luxxlisbon · 28/10/2022 20:53

Your comment is in poor taste to someone struggling with what is apparently a very serious eating disorder.

The OP doesn’t even know what the food is, the problem isn’t that it is food she can’t or won’t eat.

Maybe read the post properly before picking up on other people being ‘unsympathetic’ while posting the most tone deaf comment on the thread.

My interpretation of this post is that “you should eat what you’re given and be grateful “ was sarcasm, not advice!

JoanOfAllTrades · 29/10/2022 06:20

Soontobe60 · 29/10/2022 05:19

My interpretation of this post is that “you should eat what you’re given and be grateful “ was sarcasm, not advice!

Of course it was sarcasm! I can’t believe people thought that the poster was telling OP to eat and be grateful!

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