Husband ordered FOR me?

[SirMoose]

Going to start off by saying I have an eating disorder. Quite severely. It effects most areas of my life and I find eating very stressful. My husband knows I have an ED but I don’t think he quite grasps how bad it is and how difficult I find life. I also have some other issues going on currently that are effecting my executive functioning.

We decided this morning to get a takeaway tonight and watch a movie. This is great, I had plenty of time to think about and think about what I want to eat etc. Sat down to order tonight and he starts reeling off food from his mobile to me. Due to my functioning issues atm I found this really stressful as I couldn’t process anything he was saying and said to not worry about it I’ll have a look myself in a minute. I like to look through the menu and argue with myself in my head about what I’m going to eat. It’s just a little ritual I go through.

He then said it will be here in half an hour. So he just went ahead and ordered for me. I know he was trying to just avoid me stressing and thought he was doing a nice thing but I feel so anxious now. I’ve come upstairs for a little cry as I really don’t want to eat now, I feel like all the control has been taken away from me and I have no idea what’s arriving as he told me what he ordered verbally and I just can’t process things.

i know it’s probably me being a twat but Aibu to be this upset?

This thread is insane! I have never had an eating disorder but I couldn’t make a decision based on someone reading the menu out to me, I would need to look at the menu myself, I wouldn’t say I am a fussy eater at all.

I think it would have been much kinder for him to ask you if you wanted him to pick something he thought you would enjoy. Just because someone is trying to be useful it doesn’t mean they actually are being.

@SirMoose

As someone who also has an ED (that sounds very similar to yours) I get it.

I had my GP, AFTER my blood sugar dropped so low after not eating for 4 days was blue lighted after a collapse, said "WEll you just need to eat more" and that was it. I literally cannot get any help. I cant get through to BEAT either.

I wouldnt have eaten it at all to be honest, it would have stressed me out so much it would shut down my ability to eat. I make myself eat once a day now, its my way of making sure I dont end up in hospital again. I know what caused it, I know why I behave the way I do (control) but without specialist help I cannot access, I cant fix it. There are comfort eaters, I am a comfort starver. My appetite shuts down with stress or anxiety, anyone pressuring me with food triggers that anxiety.

I think my age doesnt help. Most people think of anorexia as a teenage illness. You dont often hear of women of 46 developing it so they dont take me seriously as having an ED just "over done it on the dieting".

It took a proper full on meltdown for my partner to understand that him telling me to eat and trying to force food on me was actually counter productive. Now he never mentions food at all and I eat a lot more when I am with him than I ever used to, and more than when I am at home with the kids.

@Foolsandtheirmoney just for fun maybe you should go to your GP and say exactly that and see what sort of help you’d be definitely offered.
or would you like to describe what you think would happen if you did ?
seeing as you’re so good at telling stories

Why are you lying? You said I have no idea what’s arriving as he told me what he ordered verbally and I just can’t process things.

What did you mean by this other than he told you what he ordered for your dinner and you couldn't understand?

Because he ordered about 10 different things! Just fuck off!

But as the OP says.....its a little ritual. I do the same, to make sure what I am eating is right for me at that moment.

One of the things of ED is the rituals. If we eat, when we eat, what we eat, how we eat. Its a mental illness. You could liken it to someone with OCD who neeeds their rituals to feel safe, its the same with us. In order to at least function (if not recover) with an active ED, we need these rituals in order to eat.

Would you criticise someone with OCD for needing to do what they need to do in order to survive with the least damage to themselves as possible?

WE DONT CHOOSE THIS!

I would have thrown the whole lot at his face OP! And I don't have an ED. How dare he order for you. End of.

OP it sounds like you were really overwhelmed. I've only read your posts and was going to suggest looking into autism then saw you have a diagnosis of bipolar. Autism in women is often undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. Many autistic women can have eating disorders too. Your inability to process could also be a trait of autism. When an autistic person becomes overwhelmed it can affect their processing massively. Obviously I'm not a medical person but it may be something it may not.
Are you able to get to your doctor's early one morning to get an appointment on the day rather than ringing. I'm not sure what type of eating disorder you have but if it is anorexia and you are underweight you could go to A and E. If bulimic again you could go to A and E as your salt levels could be out of balance particularly if you have cognitive symptoms like confusion. If you are a binge eater this is more difficult and you would most likely be offered counselling, which you may have already tried. You can normally self refer for CBT via your local Psychological Therapy Services (PTS).
Sorry if you know all this already. Take care and I hope you get some help soon. I'm not commenting on your husband other than to say he may want to find a support group for family members of people with EDs.

I would also want to have a look myself, cant process it verbally that well either. No eating disorder. You told him you will have a look and tell him so I dont understand why he chose and ordered for you. I wouldnt be impressed either.

The OP could be lying. They could be a troll that makes up a different story every day, but it’s irrelevant. Eating disorders exist and they are very difficult to get help for, you don’t know who is reading your comment and the “telling stories” could be the reason they don’t speak out.

Have you been tested for autism OP?

Sorry X posted with PP

I mean this in the kindest way but you really need to seek out professional help for all your issues.

I just feel there something bigger beneath all this.

My brain is in perfect working order, and I couldn't choose based on someone reading out a menu, I would need to read it.

I do not have autism and would react to a list reeled off at me the way the OP did, because it is about food.Its the thing I cannot deal with without being calm and thinking about it. I do not take my time but I like to see the menu, check, order and then I am safe. Him reeling off a list verbally would totally throw me as it isnt one my safe rituals. I wouldnt even hear the words. All it would do is throw me into such anxiety that my choices are not in there so I wouldnt be able to eat at all.

Why do people assume anyone who is struggling with situations must be austistic?!

And where would she get that?

GP? Who even if they did understand ED (most dont) there are almost no services to refer to.

BEAT? Good luck getting through, so many others are trying due to the above.

Counsellor? Have to pay and find a specialist.

Take it from me.

What is wrong with you? What stories am I telling? The OP has come back and admitted that she was lying. That her dh did tell her what he what he ordered like she said in the very first post and that she couldn't understand him? Seriously if you don't find it concerning that a grown woman can't understand and runs off crying when someone tells them what they ordered then dinner then grand but I'd be freaking the fuck out if it were me. And yes the Dr would take me seriously if I was so impaired that I couldn't understand someone telling me what I ordered.

I'm out of here but encouraging the OP and telling her it is normal to not be able to understand when someone tells them what's for dinner isn't cool. She needs help asap for her sake and the sake of her relationship.

Your post is really triggering. It's unesessary to post how little you eat on a thread about EDs.

I agree no one chooses an ED. My anorexia was the best survival method I had. You do choose to recover though. Recovery is a choice and there is hope. 💐

I'm trying to recover from an eating disorder and I was referred by my GP. I have a dietician and a counsellor. I had to wait around 4 months. I'm almost 31

There is help out there. Gp's dont have to understand it, they just have to refer you to the relevant services.

I can understand why people have gotten frustrated reading this. I'd be frustrated too if ordering a take away turned into such a big deal emotionally for everyone involved.

Somthing has gone terribly wrong here if none of the services are engaging with the OP. If gp's dont have an on the day appointment ( which most dont nowadays ) you can always ask for the next available appointment ( somtimes a few weeks later )

No one can help the OP right now but herself. If services have disengaged she needs to be on it and ring them up and speak to them.

Some ED clinics will accept self referrals. Always worth researching

Would you criticise someone with OCD for needing to do what they need to do in order to survive with the least damage to themselves as possible?

I wasn't criticising anyone. I was Saying that I would feel the same even though I don't have her additional problems. I do it because I prefer it that way, I would be beyond livid if dh ordered for me.

The only difference between what I was saying and the op is that I would never wait till ordering to decide on food and would have done it earlier in the day.

For a lot of people your reaction is going to look unreasonable, OP. That doesn't mean that it is, but it can be difficult to fully understand.
My sister has an ED and I once ordered for her at a coffee shop. We were meeting and I got there first so I just ordered her usual. It really upset her and I have to admit that at the time, when she couldn't seem to pull it together even after I'd apologised and removed the drink and sandwich that she didn't want, it was a struggle not to get cross with her. I know that isn't kind, but truthfully it can be exhausting navigating extreme reactions to what seem like such small, ordinary situations.
I did learn from the situation and I would never do it again though. Perhaps have a chat with your husband when you feel able and explain how it made you feel. He might not be able to 100% understand but I'm sure he loves you very much and whether he gets it or not, he'll want to avoid hurting you in future.

I have recovered as far as I can on my own. I eat, I eat well, but I dont see how the number of times I eat per day is an issue when there are a lot of posts on MN about fasting diets etc. I eat one good meal per day, today was home made stew and dumplings and very nice it was too! But the control is something I think I will always need and will never be able to give up. The easy choice to slip back into not eating at all will always be there, like the ease in which I could light up a cigaretter despite giving up for example, but I choose the hard way which is to eat and ignore the complusion.

I think, like any other addiction or self harm (I see ED as both) I will always be recovering.

MN are so quick to shut down threads because of this and that, but happy to leave one up that's really triggering and unhelpful to people with EDs and certainly triggering and upsetting to OP, if her posts are much to go by.

Beat's guidelines say very plainly that you shouldn't talk specifics (how much/little, what you eat) in peer-support contexts, and on their chats, anything like "I didn't eat for 4 days" or even mentioning how you purge or specific foods would not be shown.

A lot of the stuff on this thread is quite misguided and irresponsible and IMO it shows that MNHQ are a bit clueless on this stuff that they're happy to leave it all up, while being totally trigger happy on deleting other stuff.

And I'd advise OP to step away, since I don't think any of the responses on this thread are helping any.

I’d written a longish reply and then lost it,
I do know eating disorders exist and knowing them the way I do I know how it felt for the OP
i also know how difficult it can be to access help.
my “telling stories” remark was to do with the poster talking about baked potatoes but I posted in haste and I really shouldn’t have posted at all on a sensitive topic like this
apologies if I inadvertently invalidated anyones experiences , it wasn’t my intention

Actually cannot believe the amount of vitriol on here towards a woman with an eating disorder.
OP, I don't have an ED but would have felt the same in your shoes.