To not want to host my brother for Christmas for ever?

[PoolHill]

For the last three years my brother (let’s call him Charles) has come and had Christmas Day with my partner and I at our house. Charles has fallen out with my parents and is no longer speaking to dad so can’t go “home”. We have another sister who also lives locally and has a husband and kids, but Charles would probably be pretty annoyed if I suggested he join other sister for Christmas, as he isn’t as close to her - largely Charles’ fault as he avoids going to visit them, and claims busyness when invited.

He’s similarly quite stubborn about the rift with dad. Initially it was both their faults, dad is now the one sustaining it but equally Charles isn’t making efforts to mend it. Won’t go up and visit parents as is worried it will be awkward etc. Wanting dad to make the first move (which dad should do but just won’t as he’s even more stubborn).

We have a toddler and I just really want to be able to have Christmas Day just us. To spend the morning in pyjamas, cook dinner the way we want it without having to accommodate Charles’ fussiness, cuddle up on the sofa once the toddler is in bed. Partner also wants a ‘just us’ Christmas but understands the situation with Charles.

But I know if I hint that we want to spend Christmas this way Charles will be v upset, and probably spend the day alone out of pride rather than go to our brother, or try to force a reconciliation with dad or find a friend to be with. I love Charles dearly and we are close, and don’t want him to be alone on Christmas. But equally, I feel like this is becoming a pattern now and that we’re going to end up hosting him for the next ten years.

What should I do?

Tell him that you have other plans. The fact that he will have nowhere to go for Christmas is entirely due to his own actions (or inactions) and there is no reason for you to be feeling guilty that he now has consequences for those actions.

Who do you love and value more; your partner, or Charles?

If you host Charles even though you say your partner understands, you'll be telling him he matters less to you than Charles.

If you tell Charles now (which gives him 2 months to make alternative arrangements) that both you & your partner want to share an intimate Christmas, just the pair of you and your toddler, you're taking responsibility for your own and your partner's happiness which is the adult thing to do.

And honestly, being alone on Christmas Day isn't the end of the world. Literally millions in the UK will be spending it alone for any number of reasons. At least Charles has something to look forward to if you tell him "but you'll be very welcome to come on xyz date" which is more than so many others will have.

Don’t “hint”, just tell him you’ve made plans and they don’t include him. He’s managed to fall out with other members of the family, and if keeps doing this he’ll fall out with you as well. It’s not your responsibility. Have a lovely family Christmas. He can do whatever he likes… somewhere else.

Apologies as I’ve not read all the posts but could you offer to host him on Christmas Eve for a meal or Boxing Day so you can still have Xmas day as a nuclear family?

Its October, there is plenty of time for him to arrange something else.

Wow very mean responses, although I should know by now that on mumsnet nobody cares about their siblings. I have been a single adult in the past and used to go to my sisters for Christmas, I always thought she enjoyed seeing me, I thought Christmas was a time for seeing family, yes even extended family if that is what a sibling is.

Op has already done this three times running! Where is the reciprocation? Or consideration of her wishes?

The "oh it's Christmas, it's not the time to be mean to family" brigade may as well be saying "it's a women's place to host" because eight times out of ten it is women who are hosting and facilitating Christmas for everyone else, or at least it is usually women who are stuck wrestling with these sorts of dilemmas.

I hosted for years until the penny dropped that good people though they are, the brothers, bils, fils, male cousins in my family, funnily enough, don't seem to feel the same guilt or have the same compunction to make everyone else feel happy!

Times have changed! Women are working ft and want to enjoy their Christmases too! As a pp suggested, why can't the brother get to work and host Christmas for once and leave op and her family to have the day by themselves? I know two single men who do this for their, mainly single, friends.

And I know some older single women, who like the considerate pp with the grown up daughters up thread, are adult about his situation and don't fall in to a heap of despair and rejection when finding themselves alone at Christmas, but competently plan to make the most of the day in other ways.

😀

F2F invite him for dinner about 3pm and say it's a little later as you want a family (or other word) morning and it would be lovely if he could stay until toddlers bedtime as you have romantic plans with dh for the evening. Maybe say you were going to have a quiet one but then wouldn't leave him out at this notice (it's about 2 months?) but next year will be the quiet one!

And these sacred circles must get smaller as children grow up, don't they? so eventually from sixty or so onwards the circle is just the couple and lots of satellite circles in their own homes for Christmas.

One of the things I liked most about Xmas was having my cousins around on Xmas day and seeing my aunts and uncles in my home. My parents weren't particularly sociable so it all felt very special.

Gah, that smiley posted by itself

Incidentally KettrickenSmiled (I never liked Michael Buerk tbh :) ) and other pps who dislike white lies - of course it is always much, much better to tell the truth but sometimes when you come up against a "stubborn" personality, as op has described her brother, who are a bit insensitive to others but nonetheless very sensitive when it comes to themselves , it is sometimes the kinder and more diplomatic to let them down gently. Obviously best to use a white lie that won't be found out.

I'm not saying op's brother is like this but I have a close relation who is a bit of a bully but at the same time very fragile when any criticism is directed at them. It's an "unfortunate" combination. People tell them white lies all the time because they simply aren't capable of handling the truth in an adult way. Neither can they be gracious or take a hint.

When I was young and single, my sisters very kindly hosted me at Christmas and I loved being part of their smaller nuclear families. But I didn't just assume that because I went one year that it would automatically be convenient for them to host me the next. It's basic manners to check, however close a family you are.

Later on I spent many years hosting big family Christmases when I had young DC and hosting + toddlers is quite demanding. I don't blame op for wanting an occasional break from hosting duties.

I agree you need to tell him you're having Christmas together as your little family. We don't get many Christmas's with our children whilst they're young so we need to make the most of them!
Last year we made the decision to stop hosting for both of our parents because it just took over the whole day. They weren't grateful and my husband spent most of the afternoon tidying and cleaning down after us cooking for everyone. This took time away from our children.
What we do now is invite everyone down for the morning for present swapping etc and then they all go home for their dinners and we have ours just us.

Would inviting your parents be an option? Then Charles can have the choice and if he comes, bridges could be mended? I know it’s not the quiet Christmas you wanted but I’m thinking short term pain for long term gain.

Why not invite Charles for Boxing Day instead? Say that you want a ‘no pressure’ Christmas Day- if you want to wear pj’s all day then you can - but if he came the next day he can spend the day playing with your dc”s presents and it will be less stressful for you.

I'd do this too! I'd feel awful knowing he's alone this year so that would give him ample time to sort other relationships

In that case, do that this year (teatime) and say for next year you're having Xmas day with your partner and child, starting a new tradition for that day. Might be easier and definitely gives plenty of notice. Pick another day for your day together over the period. People get weird over the 25th!

I feel for you as we have very complicated family dynamics and I have a brother like yours who thankfully has settled with a lovely lady and now has his own plans for Xmas.

Families are so hard at times aren't they?!

If I was you do probably host this year (I wouldn't enjoy the day if I knew my brother was alone and I suspect you won't either), but maybe put some boundaries in place for the evening and say would you mind if we wrap up by 6pm? I'm hoping to get child in bed early and lay on the sofa and rest after making the dinner and a busy day? Would that make you feel better?

I can only hope in time that your bright May meet someone too. Honestly I never thought it would happen for mine as he was 30+ and suffered with depression for years but he's had a huge turn around the last 18 months.

All our family seem to have sorted themselves out now and since covid we've had just us for Xmas which has been lovely I must admit.

Another way to break the cycle for next year would be to book to stay away for Xmas somewhere just you and the family? A lot of caravan parks are open at Xmas and you could stay in one of those relatively cheap perhaps?

Nah, he'd just start guilt tripping the OP this time next year for an invite and knows she'll give in.

The way you write about Charles gives the impression that he is either very young or has diminished capacity to take responsibility for himself, and if neither of those things are true I think it might be time to examine why you feel so protective of him to an absolute fault. He has actively fallen out with or failed to maintain any relationship with the rest of his closest family, and I wonder if the reason he doesn’t bother so much with his other sister is because she doesn’t enable him. You are protecting him from the consequences of his behaviour and I don’t think that is helpful in the long run. Would he freeze you out if you told him to stop being a stubborn bugger and take some responsibility for the rift?

This is a bit bigger than Christmas, obviously, but if it is already causing tension with DH it might be time to think about it.

Why do you pander to Charles as if he's a child? If you think he'd fall out with you if you didn't have him over to Christmas once, then he isn't a nice person.

Tell him no. If he wants to sulk that’s his problem.

I completely agree, I could not enjoy the day if I knew my brother who I loved was in his own.

Can you have a word with your dad?

I spent Christmas Day on my own a few years back, I'd split with a partner, mum and dad went on holiday and I spent the day eating what I wanted, watching what I wanted and drinking what I wanted.

Fucking loved it! It's not all bad

I had this many years ago, so sympathise.

I'm not as nice as you, so did break the cycle by just saying
'I'm not doing Christmas Day this year, are you up for Boxing Day?'

It worked. I had two Boxing Days, then things moved on again as my children got older.

Good Lick

Silly, flippant thing to say. Lots of people take their own lives at Christmas and new year when they are alone and upset.