To not want to host my brother for Christmas for ever?

[PoolHill]

For the last three years my brother (let’s call him Charles) has come and had Christmas Day with my partner and I at our house. Charles has fallen out with my parents and is no longer speaking to dad so can’t go “home”. We have another sister who also lives locally and has a husband and kids, but Charles would probably be pretty annoyed if I suggested he join other sister for Christmas, as he isn’t as close to her - largely Charles’ fault as he avoids going to visit them, and claims busyness when invited.

He’s similarly quite stubborn about the rift with dad. Initially it was both their faults, dad is now the one sustaining it but equally Charles isn’t making efforts to mend it. Won’t go up and visit parents as is worried it will be awkward etc. Wanting dad to make the first move (which dad should do but just won’t as he’s even more stubborn).

We have a toddler and I just really want to be able to have Christmas Day just us. To spend the morning in pyjamas, cook dinner the way we want it without having to accommodate Charles’ fussiness, cuddle up on the sofa once the toddler is in bed. Partner also wants a ‘just us’ Christmas but understands the situation with Charles.

But I know if I hint that we want to spend Christmas this way Charles will be v upset, and probably spend the day alone out of pride rather than go to our brother, or try to force a reconciliation with dad or find a friend to be with. I love Charles dearly and we are close, and don’t want him to be alone on Christmas. But equally, I feel like this is becoming a pattern now and that we’re going to end up hosting him for the next ten years.

What should I do?

Really couldn't imagine mugging a sibling off at Christmas.

Unless they were a total arsehole.

The private exclusive Christmas thing was a concept I never encountered before coming to Mumsnet

You know your Brother and we don't, but based on everything you've said about him don't you think telling him he can only come for Christmas Dinner and not the whole day will still result in the upset and sulking you're anxious to avoid? In which case you might as well ask him not to come and have the Christmas you want.

Would you even be able to enjoy your Christmas Day knowing your much loved brother with whom you are close - was alone? I wouldn’t.

I suppose it’s how you view Christmas. As a chance to wear your pjs and spend it with your toddler (because you couldn’t do this on another day). Or about getting family together

Don't forget ' delighting in your children's enjoyment' or whatever was said earlier. I totally agree!

I missed that

shudder

Christmas to them is not doubt all about “making memories”

Not just any old sibling

a much loved sibling with whom very close to

Another things I don’t understand is the obsession with spending Christmas Day in your PJs

if it is that important to you… do it tomorrow!

Don't hint, just tell Charles you are having Christmas to yourselves this year, so he will either have to fend for himself or go somewhere else.

😘

Does your Mum have no say? Wouldn't she want to spend Christmas with her son? It seems that the wishes of the men in your side of family are more important than the women's. You're all enablers.

A say in what, in whether Charles spends Christmas with me or not? She does have a say in that actually, she repeatedly over thanks me for hosting him at Christmas and birthdays and new year so that he has somewhere to go. And thanks me for meeting up with him, and inviting him round and involving him in toddler’s life events etc. Says what a good kid I am, how kind, how she can rely on me etc. Which is her way of trying to make sure I keep doing it, because she feels guilty about the rift with dad. Even thought it’s not her responsibility to resolve.

Mum could also totally come over and spend Christmas with Charles if she wanted to. Or in fact with our other sister, or me if she wanted to. But she chooses to spend it at home with dad. Not least because she’s old and lives abroad. She comes over plenty and stays with us, including usually a before or after Christmas visit. Dad cannot travel, he’s too unwell. We also go to see them plenty, and have offered to bring Charles, who won’t come.

I expect she’d probably like Charles to go home for Christmas, but as Charles and my dad are not making up their rift, that’s not likely to happen. Charles won’t say he wants to go up and insists dad would say no so it’s better not to ask. I’ve suggested plenty that Charles does a forced visit, but he won’t.

I don’t know what you’re implying I should be doing here.

A say in having him for Christmas at her house.

Yes she does. She wants Charles to go home for Christmas. Charles says he can’t, because dad will say no, but Charles also won’t try to ask or go. What’s she supposed to do, drag him there by his ear? Force dad to ring Charles and beg him to come? Leave my dad and move in with me?

Clearly you disapprove of this situation and the gender dynamics involved, but you’re also putting the responsibility for changing it onto me and my mum - the women of the family.

But it's fine to think the opposite too. I'd much prefer a nuclear Christmas Day and a family Boxing Day.

I can see its tough OP. Your title and OP are about not wanting to spend Christmases with your brother and have almost 90% of the vote agreeing with you, yet you've spent every subsequent post almost arguing against yourself. People value different things at Christmas and have different definitions of immediate family but you seem resigned to something happening to you that you don't want to happen and only you can do something about.

This thread has actually helped me decide that rather than just hosting him for the whole day again, I’m going to just have him over for a bit of the afternoon and dinner, and say the morning is toddler time, and that we want couple time in the evening. Then next year I will find a way to not have him over, to push him to make other plans.

I started out just thinking I was going to have to have him again and expecting most people to say that’s what I should do.

So it has helped, and has made me change tack. Probably not as much as some of the tough love, tell him he’s not coming and rip the plaster off advocates want, but that’s what I’m going to do.

Well done OP. Sometimes the middle ground is the best way and I was hoping you would mull over my questions carefully to decide exactly what you were willing to compromise on and what you weren't. Next year you can tweak it some more depending on how well this one goes.

Charles is not a child and you are not responsible for his happiness. You should be straight with him and tell him the day you want and he can either cut off his nose and spend the day alone or build bridges with the rest of the family which would benefit everyone.
He's not your child so stop consorting to his childish behaviour and have the day you want. He might not like it but you're making him happy and the cost of three peoples happiness. Doesn't balance.

Sounds like you've made the decision that's right for you OP. Xmas is hard!!!!

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · Yesterday 09:20
Also think how you'd feel if you were on your own and had just had a lovely Xmas with your sister and she told you not to come next year as they wanted a Christmas to themselves, I can't imagine ever being that rude!“

as an adult, I would be thankful of the Christmas I’d had but completely understand and wish them a lovely day as their own little unit.

If you make it so, yes.

But no way would I prioritise being in my jammies all day over having my single brother around whom I loved very much and was very close to

Suppose it's not about "how you view Christmas" but about "how you view solitude"?

PP are reacting as if an adult entertaining themselves for a 24 hour holiday is akin to selling matches barefoot in the snow.

Solitude?

do you mean from the brother or OP’s perspective? The op won’t be alone.
and presumably the brother is very very experienced In solitude in his day to day life, given he lives alone

So it has helped, and has made me change tack. Probably not as much as some of the tough love, tell him he’s not coming and rip the plaster off advocates want, but that’s what I’m going to do.

I think PP are all going to be pleased that you have decided to do what feels right for you OP - no matter their differences in stance.

Solitude?

do you mean from the brother or OP’s perspective? The op won’t be alone.
and presumably the brother is very very experienced In solitude in his day to day life, given he lives alone

The brother, of course @Razzle5
Many people enjoy & value solitude. We don't know how OP's brother handles solitude, but presumably he's ok with it, as he's chosen to live alone.

If he couldn't stand it, he'd have a lodger, or become one himself, surely?