To not want to host my brother for Christmas for ever?

[PoolHill]

For the last three years my brother (let’s call him Charles) has come and had Christmas Day with my partner and I at our house. Charles has fallen out with my parents and is no longer speaking to dad so can’t go “home”. We have another sister who also lives locally and has a husband and kids, but Charles would probably be pretty annoyed if I suggested he join other sister for Christmas, as he isn’t as close to her - largely Charles’ fault as he avoids going to visit them, and claims busyness when invited.

He’s similarly quite stubborn about the rift with dad. Initially it was both their faults, dad is now the one sustaining it but equally Charles isn’t making efforts to mend it. Won’t go up and visit parents as is worried it will be awkward etc. Wanting dad to make the first move (which dad should do but just won’t as he’s even more stubborn).

We have a toddler and I just really want to be able to have Christmas Day just us. To spend the morning in pyjamas, cook dinner the way we want it without having to accommodate Charles’ fussiness, cuddle up on the sofa once the toddler is in bed. Partner also wants a ‘just us’ Christmas but understands the situation with Charles.

But I know if I hint that we want to spend Christmas this way Charles will be v upset, and probably spend the day alone out of pride rather than go to our brother, or try to force a reconciliation with dad or find a friend to be with. I love Charles dearly and we are close, and don’t want him to be alone on Christmas. But equally, I feel like this is becoming a pattern now and that we’re going to end up hosting him for the next ten years.

What should I do?

So yes presumably absolutely fine with solitude.

but rather different on Christmas Day. It might not be, certainly. But let’s be honest - most people who live alone may well be very happy in their own company but prefer to be with their sibling with whom they are “very close” on Christmas Day

But I know if I hint that we want to spend Christmas this way Charles will be v upset. So rather clear that he perhaps doesn’t relish “solitude” on Christmas Day

I’m glad this thread has helped you come to a decision, OP. DH has a sister

But it's not all about him @Razzle5

OP posted because SHE doesn't want to host him, all day, every xmas, forever.

However, she now has a working solution that suits her, so we can all stop banging on about her brother now :)

The irony! 😂

But it's not all about him

well, clearly!

How old is Charles?

Really, it sounds like he needs to grow up.

You sounds like a really great sister.regardless of how it’s out you out you’ve loved him enough to keep doing it. That’s one amazing sister and many would be lucky to have.
mite not been ideal you’d rather not but you’ve done it anyway.that’s love. It’s not enabling or wimping out ffks. Some of us put up with a lot of shit for people we love.your bil isn’t a dickhead manipulative human either.he’s obviously found himself in a painful position.

Then next year I will find a way to not have him over, to push him to make other plans.

you are “very close” to your brother. You “love him very much”

doesn’t sound like it to me.

Oh really! That's what you take from OP's decision?! People never cease to amaze me.

Well done OP for finding a solution you're happy with which is also kind to your brother.

I'm genuinely shocked by some of the harsh comments on this thread, and hope they're Internet bravado rather than how people would truly react.

All these comments about how the brother must be fine with being alone as he lives alone--do you actually know any people in this situation? I know several single men who for various reasons have distanced themselves from family or keep up a brave face for family because they think that's required, and it's not the whole story. My brother in law who initially told me he was fine alone and he had his life and we had ours (taught by his mother not to be a trouble to anyone) recently confided in me that he was suicidal when he said that. I'm really glad I was warm in asking him to come for Christmas and other family times now.

Well done OP.

Who are you talking to? If me, somewhat contradictory!

Razzle, I was addressing your comment in the initial part of my post. I thought it seemed pretty tough to in effect suggest OP doesn't love her brother when she's clearly been the person keen to keep in touch with him and she's hosted him for years.

You're not the only person who seems to me to have judged OP harshly when she's made it clear she wants to support her brother. The rest of my post was addressed to other people, specifically to those who made the comments I refer to about the brother needing to be taught a lesson of some kind.

For what it's worth I think that OP is neither uncaring nor weak but reading some posts it seems as those are the only two perspectives offered.

Well done, OP. Good decision and a gentle way to change plans.

Very easy. Tell him your husband needs him to help put together a large armoire you ordered online with lots of pieces when he comes over for Christmas.

Tell your sister to text him with invite to her house featuring his favourite food and film.

If he comes anyway, tell him the armoire hasn’t arrived yet and put him to work in the kitchen peeling potatoes, peeling carrots, and peeling parsnips and putting together dollhouse for your toddler.

Done.

So if not this year, then next year all will be sorted forevermore.

Why not host your brother for dinner some evening before Christmas, maybe a week before. That way he should be happy, and you still have your family-only Christmas.

When OP says toddler, I'm assuming 2 years ish old. I would like to say, say no to charles this year and offer next year instead. Children are only small once, and I would take the opportunity to do what you and your partner want. Have the Xmas YOU want. The look in your child's eyes, the 'magic', won't last forever. Someone actually said to me today. The 'magic' will only last until they're around 5 years old.

OP, enjoy those first few years before they start school and are gone forever.

You are a people pleaser. Your brother a manipulator. Stop pleasing and the manipulation will stop.

Tell him now you are done with the drama and he needs to makes his own adult plans.

This. Stop enabling him to be a drama queen. He sounds all take. Time for you to have the Christmas you and DH want.