To not want to host my brother for Christmas for ever?

[PoolHill]

For the last three years my brother (let’s call him Charles) has come and had Christmas Day with my partner and I at our house. Charles has fallen out with my parents and is no longer speaking to dad so can’t go “home”. We have another sister who also lives locally and has a husband and kids, but Charles would probably be pretty annoyed if I suggested he join other sister for Christmas, as he isn’t as close to her - largely Charles’ fault as he avoids going to visit them, and claims busyness when invited.

He’s similarly quite stubborn about the rift with dad. Initially it was both their faults, dad is now the one sustaining it but equally Charles isn’t making efforts to mend it. Won’t go up and visit parents as is worried it will be awkward etc. Wanting dad to make the first move (which dad should do but just won’t as he’s even more stubborn).

We have a toddler and I just really want to be able to have Christmas Day just us. To spend the morning in pyjamas, cook dinner the way we want it without having to accommodate Charles’ fussiness, cuddle up on the sofa once the toddler is in bed. Partner also wants a ‘just us’ Christmas but understands the situation with Charles.

But I know if I hint that we want to spend Christmas this way Charles will be v upset, and probably spend the day alone out of pride rather than go to our brother, or try to force a reconciliation with dad or find a friend to be with. I love Charles dearly and we are close, and don’t want him to be alone on Christmas. But equally, I feel like this is becoming a pattern now and that we’re going to end up hosting him for the next ten years.

What should I do?

I probably will end up doing this. Might try to engineer it so he only comes for dinner and not the whole day.

He’s not a dick, and does help out, bring nice presents, play with the toddler etc. It’s just not the same as being able to do things your way, on your own schedule, and be with just your immediate family. I suspect I am more annoyed about feeling like the situation is being foisted on me than I am about the actual reality of what Christmas plus Charles is like. It’s not bad, it’s just not what we imagined doing once we had kids.

The responsibility for that lies with her brother. Stop stepping in to fix him.

He has friends they just mostly are in couples or have families to go to. I think he probably hasn’t told any of them about the falling out with parents.

Do you have friends you could spend Christmas with if you didn’t have a partner and couldn’t go to your parents or siblings? I’m not sure I do, they are all couples or go “home”.

There is a middle way, I just know that asserting boundaries will result in Charles getting sad and upset and resenting me. It’s not fair, but it’s what will happen.

I probably will end up doing this. Might try to engineer it so he only comes for dinner and not the whole day.

So why ask about it? I feel sorry for your partner.

What I would do is talk to your sister, ask if she’s happy to have him, assuming she is, then ring him, say you are doing a quiet Christmas this year but you’ve spoken to your sis and she’d love to have him.

You sound lovely op!

I sympathise with Charles and I know this is an extreme solution and it’s possibly not very practical with a toddler but I think I I would say you are going to a friend’s or to your dp’s family, or say it’s the turn of your do’s family to come to you this year. Anything to break the cycle! Then he won’t expect an invitation every single year.

If Charles were elderly, I would be more inclined to stick with the arrangement but he’s a youngish man presumably and should be encouraged to branch out a bit and find new friends and make other connections. And perhaps restore some old ones?

Something like this is perfect:

Just to give you the heads up so you know in advance, we're having a quiet Christmas this year with just me, DP, and toddler. You're welcome to come spend <alternative day> with us though

Or as another pp had it, put it most as an invitation on the 27th (or whatever) which also makes it clear that you’re spending Xmas day just the three of you. Put it that you are spending the day the three of you, not “is it ok if”.

Honestly, the stubborn people in the family shouldn’t be able to have things all their way.

@DismantledKing err I’m asking about it because I feel a bit hopeless about the situation and would like to know if I’m being unreasonable and am wondering if anyone can suggest something as an alternative to the stats quo - aka having Charles for some or all of the day.

You don’t need to feel sorry for my partner. Everyone brings family baggage to relationships, this is mine, they have theirs. We’re understanding and supportive of each other’s families bad bits, while loving their good bits. Christmas also isn’t their main festival so DP essentially just want what I and the toddler want for the day.

Tell him you are thinking of going to your Dad and Mum for Xmas.
So they'll either make up or not. But he will make his own arrangements.
Arrange with your Mum that you aren't coming.

Going against the grain here. I could not be so selfish. You can spend any number of days in your PJs or on the sofa.
We have hosted single relatives or friends or overseas visitors on Christmas Day many years.
Not religious but feel you’ve lost sight of the meaning of Christmas.

Thanks!

I think finding some way to break the cycle for one year may be the key here. If only I’d had the forethought to get pregnant exactly 9 months before Christmas Day eh 😂. Will have to have a think, perhaps we can try to go away, or get strategically ill or plan a house redecoration.

It would be the perfect solution but DP’s parents tend to go away for Christmas as they’re not Christian / Christian heritage so they feel it’s not their festival. DP really likes Christmas but it doesn’t have the same significance as wasn’t something he grew up celebrating in a big way. So he’s happy to spend it how I want

You need to stop taking responsibility for his ‘happiness’. Tell him, chattily, that you are battening down the hatches this Christmas and spending it just with your H and your DC. Leave him to digest this. You could ask him if he has made any plans, but leave it open-ended. Don’t be tempted to wilt and invite him to yours.

In your OP you first say you have a sister that he won't go to, and then later on say you have a brother he can't go to?

I'm confused, because you said in your original post Charles has fallen out with my parents and is no longer speaking to dad so can’t go “home”. We have another sister who also lives locally and has a husband and kids, but Charles would probably be pretty annoyed if I suggested he join other sister for Christmas, as he isn’t as close to her and then But I know if I hint that we want to spend Christmas this way Charles will be v upset, and probably spend the day alone out of pride rather than go to our brother. What is the story with the brother?

I can't unentangle your family stuff, but I will just say that if you want to disinvite Charles entirely this Christmas - you can't tolerate him even for dinner - then please do it ASAP. Please do not, if you can possibly avoid it, say that you really didn't want him the last few years he came. I don't know how you convey this, but please be careful. And yes, if you do disninvite him he probably will spend the day alone, not out of spite but just as what will make sense to him. That's none of your business.

OP, I really feel your pain. I have nothing helpful to suggest but hope you get suggestions that work for you.
We have had to have my brother for Christmas every year for the past 14 years. He has fallen out with everybody else in the family. I do love him and know that he has bad MH (I really worry about him in general) but he invites himself, stays for weeks without offering to help/contribute in any way and I, and DH, have to tiptoe round him. We dread Christmas but, like you, don’t know how to get out of it.

You don't need to have a surprise win of a Christmas holiday, just book one!

"Just a heads up Charles, we are away over Christmas this year, come and see us for lunch the Sunday before".

I half agree with you. Hence why I’m conflicted.

I’d happily host Charles or a parent if they were alone through no fault of their own. E.g. if dad died, mum would of course be coming to us, or another sibling as she chose.

But Charles only has us because of a combination of his stubborn personality and his choices, and my dad’s choices.

I was just hoping to have a few Christmases with just my love and my kid, before getting to the - hosting widowed / orphaned people bit of life.

Sorry it’s late (toddler woke at 4), and I’m typing the word brother too many times. It’s me Charles and our sister.

Yeah I’d lie and think nothing of it. I’d either say we were going out for dinner, I’d say it’s somewhere far away or somewhere prohibitively expensive or I’d say you were going to your husbands parents/brother/sister for dinner.

I get my mrs brother and father every Christmas and have done for years, I don’t really mind tbh. I like a nice family Christmas morning, breakfast and present opening etc and then they arrive for dinner.

Does he have his own home, could you not go to him for dinner

I dunno, I was once the sibling who had nowhere else to go, and I'm still grateful that my sibling invited me to Christmas several years on the trot. Being alone at Xmas is awful. So I think if you can it's a lovely thing to do, and I think christmas day actually is a day for sacrifice, and that's not such a bad thing. You can put your foot down that boxing day is for snuggling and relaxing with your immediate family though.

But he does have other places to go!

He's not a bloody orphan. Hes got another sister. He just can't be bothered to maintain a relationship

Also sounds like the op is used to mothering him and sorting things out for him so he doesn't have to. It's a recipe for arrested development

I'd make Christmas with you significantly less attractive to Charles. I wouldn't necessarily uninvite him, but I don't see why him being there should make you change your plans to accommodate his 'fussiness'. For example, if you want to cook something different or just shove some ready-prepared food in the oven, do that. And I certainly wouldn't get out of my pyjamas if I didn't want to for my brother 😂. Just tell him you're having a very low-key, low effort Christmas and he can either take you or leave you.

This.

He's an adult.
Loads of options that he can explore. He doesn't have to go family (ie your sister isn't obliged to host him either).

I wouldn't lie in case he finds out, that would be worse. I would say that you are having a quiet morning but that all your family are welcome later in the afternoon and tell both your father and brother that you want your dc to be able to enjoy being with them both one day a year.