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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to host my brother for Christmas for ever?

291 replies

PoolHill · 27/10/2022 19:33

For the last three years my brother (let’s call him Charles) has come and had Christmas Day with my partner and I at our house. Charles has fallen out with my parents and is no longer speaking to dad so can’t go “home”. We have another sister who also lives locally and has a husband and kids, but Charles would probably be pretty annoyed if I suggested he join other sister for Christmas, as he isn’t as close to her - largely Charles’ fault as he avoids going to visit them, and claims busyness when invited.

He’s similarly quite stubborn about the rift with dad. Initially it was both their faults, dad is now the one sustaining it but equally Charles isn’t making efforts to mend it. Won’t go up and visit parents as is worried it will be awkward etc. Wanting dad to make the first move (which dad should do but just won’t as he’s even more stubborn).

We have a toddler and I just really want to be able to have Christmas Day just us. To spend the morning in pyjamas, cook dinner the way we want it without having to accommodate Charles’ fussiness, cuddle up on the sofa once the toddler is in bed. Partner also wants a ‘just us’ Christmas but understands the situation with Charles.

But I know if I hint that we want to spend Christmas this way Charles will be v upset, and probably spend the day alone out of pride rather than go to our brother, or try to force a reconciliation with dad or find a friend to be with. I love Charles dearly and we are close, and don’t want him to be alone on Christmas. But equally, I feel like this is becoming a pattern now and that we’re going to end up hosting him for the next ten years.

What should I do?

OP posts:
WorrieaboutFIL · 27/10/2022 22:23

Not really the true spirit of Xmas is it? Is it not good for family to see extended family at Xmas? How would you feel if the positions were reversed?

Surely there is a compromise where you have a nice morning and then he comes at about 3pm?

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 27/10/2022 22:23

You sound a bit of a martyr to be honest.........................................

Merlo · 27/10/2022 22:28

OP, I feel your pain! I’m one of 4 and someone always seems to have fallen out with someone else! Controversially, I would invite Charles and your parents for Christmas. I’ve found this will either a)break the ice and get them speaking again or b)Charles won’t come and will have to find alternative arrangements, but you won’t be the bad guy, as you invited everyone!

SwishSwishBisch · 27/10/2022 22:28

This thread is unbelievably awful, and so completely the opposite of Christmas spirit.
No, your brother’s poor relationship with the rest of your family is not your responsibility but, knowing you are the only one he is close with, the fact you’d see him spend Christmas alone is just horrible. Really horrible.

lking679 · 27/10/2022 22:30

This is a tough one, I’d ask my sister to invite him this year and say ‘oh I believe x is having you over at Christmas.’ Hopefully she’d share the responsibility with you? Even if he declines you could claim to not want to annoy/upset her by having him over to you instead?
Could you see your parents at Christmas? Not sure where they are and if you’re dropping in on them he wouldn’t want to be with you anyway?

Otherwise I would just try and see it as a kind and charitable thing to do on Christmas which is really a big part of the whole idea!!! But try and have him over for the afternoon only so you have a family morning together.
Hope you sort it!

cunningartificer · 27/10/2022 22:30

I'm actually really sad about the people here telling op to ignore her generous instinct and concern for Charles. Yes, he's got problems of his own making, and there's clearly a time to address that, but she's said she loves him and actually having him over is okit's more the fear it's a pattern forever. Sometimes we're all about others' mental health and saying we need to be there for them, and at other times it seems we're all about making those boundaries firm in case a brother, God forbid, should expect a Christmas invitation. OP if I were you, as you do love him and are a close to him, I'd hive off time this year and ask him to come later in the day so you get your toddler time. Perhaps plan a late lunch? That sounds as though it would salve your feelings and mean he's not alone, but give you some private family space. I also don't think it's a bad idea to get the rest of your family involved! What would he do if you asked them over for tea round the Christmas tree? Leave early?

kittenkipping · 27/10/2022 22:31

I really think there is a middle ground here. Personally I couldn't let anyone be alone Christmas Day. BUT I'd not compromise pajama morning and snuggly alone evening either. Invite him for lunch and an hour or so after then ship him off. I'd be clear "can you come over for lunch at 1 but we need to put toddler down at 7 so you'll have to leave by six"

But I'm a soft touch. I have an aunt I invite despite not liking her, but the thought of a person sitting alone with a sandwich on Christmas Day is too much for me, and it's not what Christmas is a about. So she comes for dinner, moans about my gravy, moans about my cheap crackers, and drinks too much prosseco. But it's a few hours and I know she enjoys it. Or she wouldn't come right?

lightisnotwhite · 27/10/2022 22:37

You’ve got a toddler, he’s an adult. He’ll understand. Feeling “sad” as an adult is just life. He can volunteer, go to friends, make it up to your parents or just spend the day alone. None of those are horrible choices.

You’ve got Christmas Eve, Boxing Day, bit inbetween, New Years etc to have a celebration with him.

IWishICouldDance · 27/10/2022 22:38

Time for him to sort out his rifts, you want christmas day doing your own thing with your immediate family, I'd just be honest. It must be so awkward sat there the 3 of you once your child is in bed, does he not feel like a third wheel anyway? He isn't your responsibility, you've been kind to host him up to now besides.

Ponoka7 · 27/10/2022 22:39

"But Charles only has us because of a combination of his stubborn personality and his choices, and my dad’s choices."

You need to start untangling when his choices started to be more important than your choices and now your DH's. I'm often alone on Christmas Day, it's fine. He doesn't have to be. What would he resent? That you've built a life for yourself, while his personality means he is alone? That's changeable. You should be able to tell him that you are having Christmas with your partner and child. If you can't, then have the half day at least. He could do with the day to contemplate how his life is panning out and why.

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 27/10/2022 22:41

You could go away for Christmas.
Or tell him you’re having Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve. That was you can have an even easier day on Christmas Day as there’ll not be anything to cook.

mushroomdecoup · 27/10/2022 22:41

Maybe you having a Christmas day that is just you, your DP and your child is just the push Charles needs to mend the rift. You always give him the option of being with you despite this year your DP making it clear he wants just the 3 of you at home.

Being afraid of doing what you want because of Charles's reaction says a lot about Charles. Why wouldn't he understand you wanting your own family Christmas? Seems like your sister manages to get one every year.

I would message him saying you and Dp just want a Christmas alone and you will see him on another day.

MrMrsJones · 27/10/2022 22:41

Why not have the morning just you, toddler and DH and ask DB to xome 30mins before lunch, say 2.30pm.

Then he can stay for the afternoon.

Tell him next year your just going to have a family Christmas.

Riverlee · 27/10/2022 22:43

Why don’t you go away for Christmas. Then he can’t come.

KettrickenSmiled · 27/10/2022 22:50

This is a tough one, I’d ask my sister to invite him this year and say ‘oh I believe x is having you over at Christmas.’ Hopefully she’d share the responsibility with you?

What responsibility?

Quitelikeacatslife · 27/10/2022 22:50

I'd say to Charles that he could come between 1and 6 for meal if he can't make other arrangements but rest of time you have family plans .

KettrickenSmiled · 27/10/2022 22:52

Riverlee · 27/10/2022 22:43

Why don’t you go away for Christmas. Then he can’t come.

Because she wants to spend it at home.

Also - have you heard of "money"?
I know MN likes to throw money at problems instead of opening its collective mouth & using its words like a grown up ... but come on! Do you imagine everybody has funds lying around just waiting to be spent on hotels etc? Have you any idea how eye-wateringly expensive accommodation is at xmas?

KettrickenSmiled · 27/10/2022 22:54

Mindthegap725 · 27/10/2022 22:08

No I was suggesting that you break the cycle ONCE and then he won’t automatically expect to come every single year. You can then have him one year and then he goes somewhere else the next and so on.

I wouldn’t normally suggest lying, but if the op was confident about being able to tell her brother the truth, she wouldn’t have gone to the trouble of starting this thread, she would presumably have just told him straight.

Show quote history

So - you only suggest lying when people prefer it to telling the truth?

OK @Mindthegap725. Radio 4 just called, they want you to appear on The Moral Maze ...

Coffeepot72 · 27/10/2022 22:55

I also struggle with the idea of leaving someone alone on Christmas Day, but where do you draw the line? And it’s one of those awkward days - I have a nice group of friends but they all have partners and families and, god forbid DH gets run over by a bus, I would feel guilty imposing on any one of them on Christmas Day

DaughterofDawn · 27/10/2022 22:55

SwishSwishBisch · 27/10/2022 22:28

This thread is unbelievably awful, and so completely the opposite of Christmas spirit.
No, your brother’s poor relationship with the rest of your family is not your responsibility but, knowing you are the only one he is close with, the fact you’d see him spend Christmas alone is just horrible. Really horrible.

Well the world sadly isn’t a christmas movie script written for five year olds. We are complicated people with complicated needs. And OP isn’t Cindy Lou Who.

Original poster
PoolHill · 27/10/2022 22:56

cunningartificer · 27/10/2022 22:30

I'm actually really sad about the people here telling op to ignore her generous instinct and concern for Charles. Yes, he's got problems of his own making, and there's clearly a time to address that, but she's said she loves him and actually having him over is okit's more the fear it's a pattern forever. Sometimes we're all about others' mental health and saying we need to be there for them, and at other times it seems we're all about making those boundaries firm in case a brother, God forbid, should expect a Christmas invitation. OP if I were you, as you do love him and are a close to him, I'd hive off time this year and ask him to come later in the day so you get your toddler time. Perhaps plan a late lunch? That sounds as though it would salve your feelings and mean he's not alone, but give you some private family space. I also don't think it's a bad idea to get the rest of your family involved! What would he do if you asked them over for tea round the Christmas tree? Leave early?

This is exactly how I feel @cunningartificer

Yes Charles can be a bit of a stubborn sod, but he’s my sod and in other ways he is great. Plus he’s inherited / learned a lot of his sod-ish-ness from our dad - who is a bigger sod, but also great in other ways. So really it’s not all his fault, and I feel sad that he holds grudges and sometimes pushes people away because he behaves that way because it’s how our dad is, and however much it might sometimes hurt others it ultimately hurts Charles more.

Yes in a black and white world I’d go - he’s made his own bed, I’ll let him lie in it and if our relationship suffers because I tell him a hurtful truth and he pushes me away for a bit, then so be it he’s being immature. But in the real world I don’t want our him to be hurt and our relationship to suffer, and that is what would happen. So yes I’m prepared to bend around him a bit to avoid that happening. Most of us make some compromises and elisions to keep the peace in their family and avoid hurting those we love right?

I think that limiting him to just a bit of afternoon playtime with the toddler and Christmas dinner this year, and then next year trying to find a non hurtful non-rejecting reason why he can’t come round, to push him into mending fences / making other plans with plenty of notice, is the way to go.

OP posts:
Sevenwondersofthewoo · 27/10/2022 22:59

Your doing all the compromising though what of your brother?

KettrickenSmiled · 27/10/2022 22:59

kittenkipping · 27/10/2022 22:31

I really think there is a middle ground here. Personally I couldn't let anyone be alone Christmas Day. BUT I'd not compromise pajama morning and snuggly alone evening either. Invite him for lunch and an hour or so after then ship him off. I'd be clear "can you come over for lunch at 1 but we need to put toddler down at 7 so you'll have to leave by six"

But I'm a soft touch. I have an aunt I invite despite not liking her, but the thought of a person sitting alone with a sandwich on Christmas Day is too much for me, and it's not what Christmas is a about. So she comes for dinner, moans about my gravy, moans about my cheap crackers, and drinks too much prosseco. But it's a few hours and I know she enjoys it. Or she wouldn't come right?

😂😂😂The logic loops & convoluted thinking here!

You KNOW the aunt you dislike enjoys coming to yours, or she wouldn't come?
By the same chalk, she's convinced you love having her, or you wouldn't invite her ... right?

Why keep doing this thing year in year out?
It's not just yourself you are doing a disservice to - you are stopping your aunt from exploring alternatives, & finding other people to celebrate xmas with who actually - you know - like her.

BaffledShopper · 27/10/2022 23:00

Do you have to "dress" just because your brother is coming round? Why can't you invite him and still have a lazy pyjamas day? Just make it clear to him beforehand that it is going to be entirely relaxed!

KettrickenSmiled · 27/10/2022 23:03

Plus he’s inherited / learned a lot of his sod-ish-ness from our dad - who is a bigger sod, but also great in other ways. So really it’s not all his fault, and I feel sad that he holds grudges and sometimes pushes people away because he behaves that way because it’s how our dad is, and however much it might sometimes hurt others it ultimately hurts Charles more.

Funny how you both have the same dad, but you chose NOT to accept this toxic inheritance innit.