To not want to host my brother for Christmas for ever?

[PoolHill]

For the last three years my brother (let’s call him Charles) has come and had Christmas Day with my partner and I at our house. Charles has fallen out with my parents and is no longer speaking to dad so can’t go “home”. We have another sister who also lives locally and has a husband and kids, but Charles would probably be pretty annoyed if I suggested he join other sister for Christmas, as he isn’t as close to her - largely Charles’ fault as he avoids going to visit them, and claims busyness when invited.

He’s similarly quite stubborn about the rift with dad. Initially it was both their faults, dad is now the one sustaining it but equally Charles isn’t making efforts to mend it. Won’t go up and visit parents as is worried it will be awkward etc. Wanting dad to make the first move (which dad should do but just won’t as he’s even more stubborn).

We have a toddler and I just really want to be able to have Christmas Day just us. To spend the morning in pyjamas, cook dinner the way we want it without having to accommodate Charles’ fussiness, cuddle up on the sofa once the toddler is in bed. Partner also wants a ‘just us’ Christmas but understands the situation with Charles.

But I know if I hint that we want to spend Christmas this way Charles will be v upset, and probably spend the day alone out of pride rather than go to our brother, or try to force a reconciliation with dad or find a friend to be with. I love Charles dearly and we are close, and don’t want him to be alone on Christmas. But equally, I feel like this is becoming a pattern now and that we’re going to end up hosting him for the next ten years.

What should I do?

Honestly, I’d wimp out and tell him that you are staying at your parents on Christmas Eve and having Christmas there this year. Make it a bit of a chore, but let him know you’re giving him enough notice to make other plans. (Then cancel at the last minute.)

Why?

Charles is their brother, not their child.
They don't need to conspire to "look after him".

Tricky. My brother is excruciating, my Dad won’t have him at Christmas (it spoils his day) so for years I felt obliged to host him, at the expense of mine/DH’s Christmas. But a few years ago we went away for Christmas and broke the cycle. I’m pretty sure he now spends Christmas on his own but it’s not my responsibility (or so my friends tell me!)

I sympathise with Charles and I know this is an extreme solution and it’s possibly not very practical with a toddler but I think I I would say you are going to a friend’s or to your dp’s family, or say it’s the turn of your do’s family to come to you this year. Anything to break the cycle! Then he won’t expect an invitation every single year.

So your solution Is for OP to lie - & then continue lying every single year that she doesn't wish to host him?

Gordon Bennett what happened to adulting?

@KettrickenSmiled

I’ve already answered the question about DP’s options in previous replies. DP didn’t grow up in a family where Christmas was particularly celebrated - not everyone in this country has a Christian background / heritage - some people have other festivals that are more important to them.

DP likes Christmas and would on balance prefer to spend it with just me and the toddler, partly because that’s what I want, and because we’re bringing up the toddler to celebrate both sets of festivals, but he isn’t overly invested in it. He didn’t grow up like I did, having a special Christmas every year and then as a younger adult imagining how I’d spend it with my own kids and DP when I had them. He feels that way about his heritage festivals and we spend those how he prefers them. I really enjoy them too, but he gets majority say in where we go and what we do. It works for us and it’s fair. I think it’s probably similar in most mixed heritage relationships.

Just a thought - OP could you invite him round for a drink/mince pie in the evening on Christmas Day?

I think finding some way to break the cycle for one year may be the key here. If only I’d had the forethought to get pregnant exactly 9 months before Christmas Day eh 😂. Will have to have a think, perhaps we can try to go away, or get strategically ill or plan a house redecoration.

That's the ticket OP.
Instead of the lovely domestic day, for just the 3 of you that you actually WANT, engage in sitcom levels of antics & turn yourself inside out doing things you DON'T want.

All to avoid a simple text telling him you'll see him on 26th/27th but are keeping 25th for just you DH & toddler. .

This becomes a habit that neither wants but neither wants to be the one to say no.

One of our male friends spends Christmas with his relatives but would rather just stay on his own or with a friend. Covid gave him an excuse not to go and he was quite happy at home on his own. Once everyone relaxed he was expected to return to visiting. He doesn't want tobupset them by saying he'd rather stay at home.

This is amazing to me!

That people would go so far as to BOOK A HOLIDAY THEY HAD NOT PLANNED OR BUDGETED FOR in order to avoid telling a sibling the simple fact that they are not invited this year?

Charles made his bed let him lay in it. While it does sound like there is plenty of blame to go around the family it is not on you to fix it. And you have a right to have a christmas with just you and your family. He is not entitled to your home every christmas. If you’re that bothered by it why not have him over for christmas eve or something do some gifts then and then send him on his way? that’s what my family has traditionally done.

Christmas eve - extended family visits, big dinner and gifts for extended family, one small gift for children
christmas day - immediate family only, more personal small dinner, gifts for immediate family and big/personal/special gifts

This is a really good response, OP you may have missed it.

Oh, and it's just one day.

And if Charles is an adult, with friends etc, (I.e. there's no backstory) then you are not responsible for his plans.

As an aside, when I got divorced, I hated the idea of being alone without my DC on the years my ex had them, so I volunteered. I was invited to other people's houses, who were very kind to offer, but I had the sensitivity to realise that they would prefer their family Christmas and it worked out well for everyone.

This.

White lie to get out of it one year - say you’re seeing DH’s family etc. Then use that to set up an every other year scenario.

So say to brother looking forward to xmas, happy to host you etc. But just a heads up next year DH’s family have been mentioning they’d like to host us one year. Might be every other year from now on. Hope that’s ok. Anyway, don’t forget the crackers for this year.. or whatever.

So host this year, next year don’t , if you’re lucky you never need mention what you actually do as every other year has been set up.

You still see your brother at Christmas quite a lot and do your bit, you spare his feelings & you get what you want a big chunk of the time too.

i know most of mumsnet is like just say what you want! But it’s hard sometimes.

Do you think your brother enjoys spending Xmas with you? Maybe he’s doing it just because it’s Xmas and you are meant to spend it with family. If he’s a loner he’ll probably be just as happy watching tv by himself with a beer!

I’d tell him that you’d like to have a smaller Xmas this year and suggest lunch together a few days before Xmas or invite him over for mulled wine and mince pies on 24th and exchange presents then.

What you planning on doing you can do any weekend of the year or on a day both of you are not working. It won't make a difference to toddler if you do it on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day

Just for Christmas Day - take it in the true spirit it's intended. It's the time of giving, including and most of all family ......

Say you are planning to go away this year so letting him know early to make other arrangements…then just be sick or something when the time comes.

Tell him you are doing the big dinner on Christmas Eve (Scandinavian style) and invite him to that. Be specific just to that. That way, you are not excluding him.

Then you can do whatever you want on Christmas Day.

Just message, " I'm really sorry but I'm not up for hosting Christmas this year. We're just going to have a quiet one instead."

No I was suggesting that you break the cycle ONCE and then he won’t automatically expect to come every single year. You can then have him one year and then he goes somewhere else the next and so on.

I wouldn’t normally suggest lying, but if the op was confident about being able to tell her brother the truth, she wouldn’t have gone to the trouble of starting this thread, she would presumably have just told him straight.

I would invite him for the Christmas dinner itself so you can have a family morning without him and perhaps ask your sister to consider inviting him in the evening to their house. He would not be alone xmas day but you still get some immediate family time.

‘We’re not having anyone over on Christmas Day this year Charles - it’s all too much with toddler/cooking/whatever. Have you got any plans for Boxing Day? Do you feel like meeting at X /coming over to ours in the afternoon?’

He is an adult. He has made his own bed, let him lie in it.

Stop trying to protect him from the consequences of his own actions!

Enjoy your Christmas and don't give him a second thought.

Good solution

DP likes Christmas and would on balance prefer to spend it with just me and the toddler, partly because that’s what I want,

So ... DO THE THING THAT YOU & DH WANT TO DO!

Honestly OP, it will feel difficult the first time you say NO to Charles, but once you've gathered your courage & sent that simple text, it's done - & the next time will be easier.

I think that your husband is only saying what you want to hear and not the truth of “wish Charles would grow the fuck up”

he’s husband has expressed spending time as a family alone just you three agree to it and tell Charles not this year no lies no bullshit not this year

if he resents you that’s how childish he is and not just stubborn but manipulative into the bargain at your expense.

he has other family members not just you too and there is nowt wrong being alone at Christmas either.