To not want to host my brother for Christmas for ever?

[PoolHill]

For the last three years my brother (let’s call him Charles) has come and had Christmas Day with my partner and I at our house. Charles has fallen out with my parents and is no longer speaking to dad so can’t go “home”. We have another sister who also lives locally and has a husband and kids, but Charles would probably be pretty annoyed if I suggested he join other sister for Christmas, as he isn’t as close to her - largely Charles’ fault as he avoids going to visit them, and claims busyness when invited.

He’s similarly quite stubborn about the rift with dad. Initially it was both their faults, dad is now the one sustaining it but equally Charles isn’t making efforts to mend it. Won’t go up and visit parents as is worried it will be awkward etc. Wanting dad to make the first move (which dad should do but just won’t as he’s even more stubborn).

We have a toddler and I just really want to be able to have Christmas Day just us. To spend the morning in pyjamas, cook dinner the way we want it without having to accommodate Charles’ fussiness, cuddle up on the sofa once the toddler is in bed. Partner also wants a ‘just us’ Christmas but understands the situation with Charles.

But I know if I hint that we want to spend Christmas this way Charles will be v upset, and probably spend the day alone out of pride rather than go to our brother, or try to force a reconciliation with dad or find a friend to be with. I love Charles dearly and we are close, and don’t want him to be alone on Christmas. But equally, I feel like this is becoming a pattern now and that we’re going to end up hosting him for the next ten years.

What should I do?

@Goldbar 's suggestion is also good

But I know if I hint that we want to spend Christmas this way

Don't hint.
It puts all the onus on the other party to mindread accurately, & volunteer what you want so that you don't have to take responsibility for asking for it. It;s not only unfair, it usually backfires, because people are not mindreaders, & even if they guess right, they feel resentful that you are manipulating them & not being upfront.

I get that you love your brother, but why are you infantalising him like this?

You don't need to find alternative Xmas days for him
You don't need to suggest he goes to your sister.
You are not responsible for his fall out with your dad.
It is not down to you if he chooses to spend xmas alone if you don't host him this year.

You are able to express yourself clearly here -
We have a toddler and I just really want to be able to have Christmas Day just us.
So why can't you express yourself to your brother?
"Charles, we've decided to have a small xmas this year, just the 3 of us, so we can focus on toddler. I'm letting you know in advance in case you were thinking of coming to us again, so you can make other plans. See you next month for XYZ"

Job done.
He's a grown up, it's not up to you to mollycoddle him or worry about how HE plans to spend his xmas.

TWO MONTHS is insufficient time for a grown man to make plans for how he is going to spend a 24 hour period?

Who knew?! 😂

He is your brother, and it seems like you love him. Why don't you treat him like family and tell him what you are going to do. Tell him that if he comes before x time he needs to bring his pijamas, be ready to sing toddler songs and just chill. You must have a very warm lovely home, as he seems to really enjoy your company. You are suffering from the expectation, I think the actual day will be quite nice. Just do your thing and align expectations before.

Well I don’t want to upset him because I love him and don’t want him to spend the day alone feeling sad and then resent me afterwards - which I know he will. He shouldn’t but he will, people are complicated.

When you pander to resentful people, it doesn't make them less resentful.
Just more & more entitled.

Loving somebody should not entail martyrdom.

If people are complicated, what about your DH's complications? Do his not count? What about yours?

Why can't you stay in your pj's and do the dinner you want ?

If this was my sibling coming around I'd just be me. Is there a reason why you can't do this ?

Why don’t you host him for Christmas this year but mention on the run up that you are planing to do a big ‘family’ Christmas every other year and a small family one every other year for a few years so that sometimes (insert toddler’s name here) gets to spend time with her beloved Uncle Charles but you can also run up and down the street pushing her on her new bike in your pyjamas as and when it occurs? You could also offer to go to his on another day so he can have a drink and not drive?

I’m sure he’d understand. And then you can enjoy the alternate Christmases

but I do feel like as a result of it I’m his only option

Why?
Is he a hermit, with no other human beings in his life?
Even if he is - that's HIS choice! You are not there to compensate him for his poor choices.

Plus - you've already said your sister is an option. Just because Charles prefers you, doesn't mean he gets to ignore every other option, & keep imposing on you.

Again - what about DH's options?
Does he not get a say, because what Charles wants, Charles must have, & never mind who it upsets?

Mini break over Christmas? X

All those people saying what about your DH... I host my MIL every year, I don't want to, my Christmas is less good because of it, but she has nowhere else to go. Many, many of the women I know do similar, and cook and host in-laws. I thought it was pretty standard at Xmas that there'll always be some people sacrificing their ideal day for the sake of family.

I would worry if you don’t break the cycle this year or next at the latest it will become a completely entrenched routine and you’ll be stuck with it for decades. Every year you allow him to spend at yours is another year he’s not opening himself up to other options.

I feel like I need something to break the pattern of Charles coming here. Some unarguable reason why we can’t host - broken limb? surprise win of a holiday at Christmas time? House flood? Sigh

How about the simple truth?
And let Charles be as "stubborn" & "upset" as he wants to be, without letting his manipulations impact on you, DH & your toddler's enjoyment of your own xmas.

Charles is obviously well used to manipulating you.
If he were not, you wouldn't be paralysed with the inability to communicate your wishes to him.

I couldn’t not invite him or any family member or possibly even casual aquaintance that I thought would be alone at Christmas.
It would ruin my day to think of them alone.

But guest do have to fit in to my schedule for the day and have always had just me, DH and the kids for an hour or so in the morning to admire Santas presents. Guests even if staying over on Christmas Eve know that 7-8.30 is strictly immediate family.

Charles, we've decided to have a small xmas this year, just the 3 of us, so we can focus on toddler. I'm letting you know in advance in case you were thinking of coming to us again, so you can make other plans. See you next month for XYZ"

Absolutely agree with@KettrickenSmiled

If you try to make excuses or start apologising (Im so sorry Charles this year.....) this will give him the excuse to start guilt tripping you or getting upset.
If you pharse it in a matter of fact way and a firm decision you've made, if he does get upset, that's on him , not on you.

BTW I'd love to be your sister 😁I'm single , no children and all I want for xmas is to be left alone!
But no, I get endless guilt trips from family members, demanding I go to thiers for xmas day.

"Aww, you can't be alone at xmas , you're making me feel really bad knowing you'll be alone - I just want to say, I Don't Care! it's not your problem. I just want to eat a packet of hob nobs and watch crap on TV .
I think we should swap. My family will get someone who wants to be with them and you get a sibling who doesnt want to come round yours for xmas 😂

Riiight ...

So when a woman no longer wishes to do the emotional labour of pandering to her brother, she's not allowed to walk away from it until ... she's successfully completed the emotional labour of persuading her dad to take the brother on instead?

OP is unable to use 2 simple sentences to tell her brother what she wants.
She's hardly going to be able to convince her dad to do something he doesn't want to do.

This.

You are setting yourself up as default carer for your brother, who sounds like hard work.

Peo0le are awful holding these grudges.
One day your brother might wake up and yours dad's gone or vice versa.

How will they feel then. When will people stop taking others for granted. Tomorrow is not guaranteed for anyone.

'Charles, this year DH/toddler and I are having a quiet Christmas just the 3 of us for a change.

We would love to see you though, so why don't we all come to yours on boxing day/insert dates that suits you???' 🙂

It's obviously that bad, or you wouldn't have posted here.

But having mainly been advised to ... just tell Charles what you want ... you are now backtracking & trying to convince yourself that it's not that bad. Because obviously it's less bad than you having to - HORROR! - tell the simple truth to your manipulative brother.

I suspect you are scared that saying NO to Charles will result in him punishing you for it. That he has a lot of practice in making you feel bad & do what he wants.

Tell him you are hosting DH's family this year and so he'll need to visit other family. Arrange to see him a few days before or after Christmas instead. He's a grown up. `He can sort out somewhere else to go.

Maybe he wants Xmas on his own? You never know?

I get your want to spend Christmas with just your toddler, but honestly, it’s much more fun with another adult. Maybe not Charles though lol!

Honestly though, it’s not your responsibility to make sure he has a good Christmas when he’s burnt all his own bridges.

So? He’s an adult he can cope with a bit of sadness - really how sad will he be? It’s not the Titanic is it? He thinks ‘oh well’ and fixes something else.

Why do you prioritise avoiding his resentment rather than your own? You say:

I suspect I am more annoyed about feeling like the situation is being foisted on me than I am about the actual reality of what Christmas plus Charles is like

So you will feel annoyed if you give in. Why is it more acceptable to you to feel annoyance rather than let someone else feel it? And of course the situation isn’t foisted on you, you’ve foisted it on yourself.

I do have many friends I can and have spent Christmas with yes.

Just grit your teeth and tell Charles, "this year DH baby and I are doing a "just us" Christmas all on our own. I'm letting you know in good time to make other plans".

Charles is a grown up adult and has other options. He can make his own choices, just like you.

There is a middle way, I just know that asserting boundaries will result in Charles getting sad and upset and resenting me. It’s not fair, but it’s what will happen.

& yet you claim he isn't a dick ?