To not want to host my brother for Christmas for ever?

[PoolHill]

For the last three years my brother (let’s call him Charles) has come and had Christmas Day with my partner and I at our house. Charles has fallen out with my parents and is no longer speaking to dad so can’t go “home”. We have another sister who also lives locally and has a husband and kids, but Charles would probably be pretty annoyed if I suggested he join other sister for Christmas, as he isn’t as close to her - largely Charles’ fault as he avoids going to visit them, and claims busyness when invited.

He’s similarly quite stubborn about the rift with dad. Initially it was both their faults, dad is now the one sustaining it but equally Charles isn’t making efforts to mend it. Won’t go up and visit parents as is worried it will be awkward etc. Wanting dad to make the first move (which dad should do but just won’t as he’s even more stubborn).

We have a toddler and I just really want to be able to have Christmas Day just us. To spend the morning in pyjamas, cook dinner the way we want it without having to accommodate Charles’ fussiness, cuddle up on the sofa once the toddler is in bed. Partner also wants a ‘just us’ Christmas but understands the situation with Charles.

But I know if I hint that we want to spend Christmas this way Charles will be v upset, and probably spend the day alone out of pride rather than go to our brother, or try to force a reconciliation with dad or find a friend to be with. I love Charles dearly and we are close, and don’t want him to be alone on Christmas. But equally, I feel like this is becoming a pattern now and that we’re going to end up hosting him for the next ten years.

What should I do?

For goodness sake. I'm a widow with two adult children. We love Christmas and the Covid year aside, always spend it together.

But this year my youngest has asked if I'd mind if she and her husband, toddler and baby have their own Christmas.
Of course I understand. When she and her sister were similar ages I and my late husband made the same decision.

Instead we'll get together on Christmas Eve and make that special. Both girls and their partners will have Christmas in their own homes, which will be lovely for them.

Will I get a pang on Christmas morning? Probably. And I imagine our own parents felt the same three decades ago. But I'll shake it off and have a nice chilled day.

I'd be horrified of my kids spent Christmas with me unwillingly. Much better that they express what they'd like, and we make something of the day before or after.

Your brother needs to be a grown up about it too. Just explain to him and offer an alternative day.

Yeah well people are different aren’t they, especially siblings? I inherited more of my mum’s personality, Charles got more of dad’s. We both got both of their parenting.

Nature nurture innit?

Believe me I learned / inherited some of my dad’s bad bits too, and some of his good bits and some of my mums good and bad bits.

Yikes @DaughterofDawn you must know DP much better than I do if you think he’s going to end our marriage over having to spend one day with my brother?!?

As I’ve repeatedly explained. Christmas is not DP’s festival and he doesn’t have strong views about how we spend it. I spend all of his festivals with his relatives and believe me they have their foibles too, as well as their good points.

Yeah well people are different aren’t they, especially siblings? I inherited more of my mum’s personality, Charles got more of dad’s. We both got both of their parenting.

Yes they are, but all this talk about "inheriting" a personality is just an excuse to allow Charles to keep getting away with bullying you into doing what HE wants at the expense of YOU & your family unit.

And he does bully you. Projecting sufficient levels of "resentment" & "upset" at somebody for not doing what you want them to do that they put your needs ahead of their family's & kowtow to you is bullying.

Charles has made his choices, & one of them, is "PoolHill has to have me for xmas as that's what I want, & I refuse to contemplate any alternatives."
And instead of gently challenging this ... you put Charles first. His bullying is very effective.

Ketteickensmiled- I see it seems that way. It's not. She does love coming- she tells all and sundry how lovely it is and how we all fight over her attendance (not at all true I'm the only host) but it's important to her to BE invited and she likes showing off to her friends and the community, and what's more, whilst she's a cantankerous old boot to me, she is grateful and just doesn't say it to me. It's her way. She wears the paper hats "under duress" but I suspect she keeps those hats and I know she uses the photos as her phone screen saver. But I can see how I've written it to omit the detail.

What to do?

Dont fucking hint and hope he gets it

Dont invite him. If he asks, tell him you’re having a day with just your household

You can be in PJs any other day of the year. Have your brother over and think beyond yourself

Or you and your mother have taken the stereotypically female role of placating stubborn toxic men, trying desperately not to upset them and excusing their poor behaviour to your own detriment.

But he’s not required to think beyond himself? Why?

She already has for three years time to say no to her brother it’s not as if he will be alone he just choose that because of fallings out

Not all people who are alone at Xmas want to be someone else's charity case. I had someone insist that I had to spend Xmas day with them as they couldn't bear the thought of me being on my own. It was actually worse than being on your own. They had their family routines which just emphasised that I wasn't part of their family and it felt that being there was more about making them feel good rather than anything else.

Much better being able to do your own thing, whatever that is and how untraditional it is, just popping in to see other people on Xmas eve or boxing day.

Charles, is that you?

I feel for you, my mother who I love, has always come to us for Christmas, brother has his family and wife’s family, and sister, not available through work, or whatever else she is doing, although she did have children, so I’m not sure what happened at Christmas previously with them, when they were younger.

Anyway, we would have liked just some time to ourselves, our family .
I loathe Christmas now, accommodating everyone else wishes, there is no fun pleasure, or anything good about it, but debt and irritation.

Aaaaaw.
At least you have the warm glow Kitten ... seems like you enjoy that, at least?

I wouldn’t want my worst enemy spending Christmas Day alone.

I think you need to lean on your Mum, Charles is her son, how would she feel if you turned him away and he had nowhere to go on Christmas Day? Say this feud between Charles and your Dad has to end because you’d like an intimate family Christmas and how has it fallen on you to be hosting him. She’s the matriarch of the family, she should have him, she needs to put a rocket up your Dads ass and tell him to put his big boy pants on and patch things up with his only son.

You could tell him you're having a relaxed morning and invite him over around 30 minutes before dishing up...
Or maybe for a Boxing day buffet type meal.

The problem is you’re willing to ruin the day for yourself to make your brother happy

surely that’s a problem?

you shouldn’t have to light yourself on fire to make your brother like you

Christmas must have changed somewhere along the way. I understood it was a time to share with family/friends - I didn't realise that just meant your own "little family" and no-one outside that sacred circle. When I was young every year we hosted one of my GMs, my mother's cousin and aunt, and another two cousins - not all at the same time, but they spent every Christmas with us at some stage until they died - and all without a word of complaint from my parents, or from me. I might add that Mum's cousins were all much older than her.

However, I am not in the UK, so maybe it is that. Here people invite all sorts to spend Christmas Day with them, including those who have nowhere else to go - whether that is by choice or not.

Telling people who have fallen out that they ought to make up is not an effective strategy. It's also not OP's job to facilitate this.

And have you any idea how patronising your "even my worst enemy" comment is? Loads of people spend xmas day alone. Some of them look forward to it for months - a day of simply pleasing themselves for a change, without having to endure family fallouts or appoint themselves Ambassador For The Day.

That type never do

Have a talk to your mum. Ask her to ask your brother for Christmas, after all it’s her son. Ok she doesn’t like conflict, but she could help both her husband and son to sort out their differences.

Honestly I've had this.
You're screwed either way as if you tell him he can't come then he'll be alone and you won't enjoy the day anyway ( even if it is just the quiet Xmas you've hoped for)

Honestly probably unpopular advice here but I'd try and make my peace with it and not resent him too much. To me having the day alone wouldn't be worth the long term fall out ( rightly or wrongly)

Here here. I despair of the selfishness I read on here around Christmas. In about 30 years they are all going to be posting about how sad they are to spend Christmas alone !

Do it this year, set the scene that you will be away (whateythat looks like next year (now/in Jan) so there are no surprises for 2023.