That my BIL won't fix my car for me?

[notmyrealmoniker]

My 4 yo (26,000 mile) car had a major service this week and I was told my disc brakes needed changing and my alternator belt too. Around £400 which I simply can't afford. Main dealer of course.

I spoke to my BIL who is a car mechanic who said he would order the parts at 60% off and do the work for me. We do live 4 hours away, but there is no rush and we could meet in the middle or I would go down there.

Yesterday, total about face and he said take it to a nearby garage and they will do it for about £100 and he would give me the website for the parts. So basically fuck all to help.

The thing is I have spent the last 18 months helping him with a legal case as he is dyslexic. I have spent literally hours and hours writing reports, responses and witness statements for him. Its a complex case. I've repeatedly said I don't want anything when he offered me money, weekend away etc.

AIBU to be fucked off that now I want something that he offered initially and I didn't ask for, has been withdrawn? AI also BU to stop all work on his legal case? Shall I just ignore him if he calls as I'm upset and angry?

Honestly OP I can see why you're hurt but would you say you're a fixer ie take responsibility for others feelings?
Clearly you're resentful about the amount of work you've put in and don't feel able to raise that feeling, but the feeling has to come out somewhere else, it just needs a lightning rod to strike.
This issue with the car is just the lightning rod to allow all your feeling out.
I think you need to do a bit of work on yourself and your boundaries and don't get involved in things unless you want to.
If he wants to cave in a negotiation that's fine if you want to get involved and help that's fine, but it sounds like you pushed him to do what you thought was right rather than letting him use his own instoncts. A lack of good boundaries really.
Good luck and I hope you work through it.

For example I’d love to understand your explanation for applying that metaphor. It’s not terribly apt (unless you think I’ve somehow starting a dramatic thread, refused all reasonable advice and dripped convenient info throughout?)

you’d be mistaken if so.

Thank you everyone for the vote that I'm not unreasonable. I'm sure I will speak to him but just let it go. Maybe just save up for a few months and get the work done myself. I think I've found out though, where true friendship lies.

@FurAndFeathers I was referring to the OP insinuating you were a troll 🥴

@notmyrealmoniker they may be returnable but do you really want him to try and refit the old ones once off? As he will only know when they are off. Also online is worse. More possibility of them being incorrect and harder to swap. I should know I deal with it every day.

Just talk to him. Easier than guessing at a profession you don't seem to grasp.

Also favours should never be done expecting something in return. Then it's not a favour and not out of the goodness of your heart.
You'll be less disappointed also.

@notmyrealmoniker

He probably offered with full sincerity and then realised he was asking you to give up a whole day to save the cost of a fish supper for two after costs and didn’t want you feeling obliged to take it up.

He will have realised given your generosity that you would feel obliged to run with his offer even though it’s a terrible use of your limited time but didn’t manage to communicate it well when he tried to
provide you with a way out.

‘Where True friendship lies’

😆

I can see why he used your writing talents

Not sure I entirely agree with your take. He wanted to take the matter to court, but was afraid of the work involved because of his dyslexia. I wanted to help because I hate injustice and he was being completely ripped off and was distraught it was happening to him. I wasn't and am not resentful of the work I put in, I would do it for anyone who was being ripped off by a bigger company with heavy hitting lawyers. I certainly didn't push him, but he was overwhelmed because he just couldn't understand the legal jargon, and wanted to give in. I know he wouldn't have forgiven himself if he'd let them walk over him. I agree though that sometimes being nice backfires on you.

You have nothing to lose at this point. Tell him after the hours and hours and hours of work on something he had given up on, you've helped him acquire £50,000. The least he could do is now fix your car for you as you can't afford to do so. Fucker.

@sosoverytired I didn't expect anything in return. He offered, then withdrew the offer. If he'd said nothing except how to get the job done cheaper and he would supply the parts if I paid for them, then there would have been nothing to get upset about. I was asking for advice not help.

Dangling a lovely treat then whipping it away, is my issue

The solicitor did trim away the unecessary stuff, but amazingly put an awful lot in verbatim lol!

But it hasn't backfired? It sounds like it's been a great success story. On the face of what you're saying. It's only because you're linking the car thing to it that you're getting emotional.
You say you would do it for anyone, but that makes it clear your have boundary issues, it's not your problem. You're being a fixer or a rescuer in that case.
Either you want to do it as you say because it's important to You, or you are only prepared to do it if the other person does certain things for you. Which are not made clear up front.

Don't get me wrong I totally see where you're coming from, but the two things that are lacking are boundaries and communication.

Park his unfinished legal case in the attic and forget all about it. If he complains, suggest he finds a lawyer closer to home.

Ps to the OP I hope you don't mind me signposting but there are loads of good YouTube videos on being a "people pleaser", "rescuer" "fixer" and"boundaries". The school of Life channel is quite a good one

Oh fair enough, and based on your previous assessment of him being a nice bloke, your default assumption is that he did this deliberately and maliciously to upset you.

and you’re not resentful of all the work you’ve done for him not being compensated. After all you’ve barely mentioned it on this thread.

All perfectly reasonable 😆

This.

However going forward do what my friend does when it comes to legal things, he says , heres the name of someone that could help you.

Also remember don’t mix business with family friends . Be suddenly busy can’t continue due to time spent travelling by bus for work ! Sorry I think he knew you would not ask for payment (cause it’s f-a-m-i-l-y.) cheeky fucker. Always remember this treatment, or ask for the money for a holiday I recommend Paignton July in a basic caravan ask him just to transfer and you will book. Oh the cost about £2100, or say because your family £1500 will be fine! What a selfish wanker.

OP main dealers are renowned for flagging up ‘advisory’ work to be done. I have taken my car a few times to a friendly garage for a second opinion, and have been reassured that the car is safe, and the relevant parts will be OK for some time.
If this is the case with your car, maybe this would let you budget for the work in a few months time, or maybe your BIL will come round to being more helpful.

I have read the thread but I can't see if you have said if your BIL is your husband's brother or married to your sister?
He was coming down for Christmas but you are now going to uninvite him? Is that your decision to make alone?
I can see you being let down by him agreeing to help you and then pulling out - but I can't see why you feel this is not possible to discuss with him after all the time you spent helping him recently.

@FurAndFeathers feel free to apologise for jumping down my throat at any point 🙄

This is exactly what he said before saying he would do the work. I'm not panicking as the MOT didn't even flag an advisory a couple of months ago. I asked and was told they were for until the next mot.

I apologise for being unable to interpret the disparaging metaphor you tagged me in without any context 😊

@TheColorIndigo I'll continue with the Xmas invite. It's the family do so it would be noticed. It was petty of me. He's not worth upsetting everyone for

@oldstudentmum 😂😂😂😂

Don't feed it lovely xx

Just be aware that most garages will absolutely refuse to fit parts not supplied by them.