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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my BIL won't fix my car for me?

239 replies

notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 18:15

My 4 yo (26,000 mile) car had a major service this week and I was told my disc brakes needed changing and my alternator belt too. Around £400 which I simply can't afford. Main dealer of course.

I spoke to my BIL who is a car mechanic who said he would order the parts at 60% off and do the work for me. We do live 4 hours away, but there is no rush and we could meet in the middle or I would go down there.

Yesterday, total about face and he said take it to a nearby garage and they will do it for about £100 and he would give me the website for the parts. So basically fuck all to help.

The thing is I have spent the last 18 months helping him with a legal case as he is dyslexic. I have spent literally hours and hours writing reports, responses and witness statements for him. Its a complex case. I've repeatedly said I don't want anything when he offered me money, weekend away etc.

AIBU to be fucked off that now I want something that he offered initially and I didn't ask for, has been withdrawn? AI also BU to stop all work on his legal case? Shall I just ignore him if he calls as I'm upset and angry?

OP posts:
Original poster
notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 19:32

diddl · 27/10/2022 19:30

It was your choice to offer to help him & refuse payment!

Not sure why he owes you!

Well he obviously agrees with you

OP posts:
Original poster
notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 19:33

ABJ100 · 27/10/2022 19:31

It sounds like you want payback for your work and even though he has found a very sensible solution, it's not good enough because you have it in your mind that he owes you. He offered to pay you for your services and you chose not to take him up on it, yet making him out to be a CF.

I didnt need the money when he offered. I do now. Not heard of the current financial crisis?

OP posts:
thelobsterquadrille · 27/10/2022 19:33

notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 19:30

But I didn't need the money then. I do now. Have you not heard of the financial crisis, electric bills, food prices and so on?

Show quote history

You devalued yourself by agreeing to give up all that time for free. That's not his problem - it's yours.

It's not about needing money - you're a professional so you need to charge your worth. Stop giving people freebies. It doesn't make them respect you.

forwhatitsworth22 · 27/10/2022 19:36

Exactly. Financial crisis, he may have worked out his finances and realised he can't afford to do the work himself. You offered to do the work for him, you turned down payment. He's found you a garage to do the work and can get the parts cheap, he's helping you. To say he's no longer invited for Christmas is petty.

BonnieBairn · 27/10/2022 19:37

@thelobsterquadrille it's the same for my brother. He is a tradesman and does homers on the side. I always tell him to charge me what he'd charge someone else because A, his job is skilled and B, he is doing me a favour because I know his work is perfect. Sometimes we barter as my husband is a tree surgeon and gets my brother logs so he works in return but never, ever for less that he is worth.

Dishwashersaurous · 27/10/2022 19:37

Be honest with him.

Say to him that you thought that he could fix your car as payment for all the work you have done

If he cannot fix it then actually now you would accept the money he offered as you need it now

Nanny0gg · 27/10/2022 19:37

notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 18:59

@FurAndFeathers
He is self employed. He has insurance in place. What circumstances? He would have the next 6 months to do it. The internet is anonymous and he definitely isn't on MN. I wanted to see if I was BU to be hurt.
@AlisonDonut Maybe I will send him an invoice for all my work!
@RincewindsHat The car isn't unsafe. He told me that, as did the guys who did my MOT 2 months ago. This is just typical main dealer money grubbing.

And what would be the point in asking? He clearly doesn't want to do it and I'm not going to put him on the spot by asking him. I'll just ghost him.

Is he your DH brother or sister's husband?

What do they think?

Eloise38 · 27/10/2022 19:37

notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 19:29

@Eloise38 He doesn't have to realise I want him to do the car. He offered. I didn't want or ask him to do it and was so happy he offered. Then a day later he says take it to a garage.

Goes to show no good deed goes unpunished! I now feel like shit.

Can't you just respond thanking him for the advice then but say you'd prefer for him to fix it as previously offered? See what he says?

1FootInTheRave · 27/10/2022 19:41

I'd be really upset in light of all the work you've done for him.

Is an open and honest conversation an option? You're relationship with him is fucked otherwise.

FurAndFeathers · 27/10/2022 19:42

Interesting that you know the specific coverage of your BIL’s liability insurance @notmyrealmoniker does it cover him only in his workplace or also for work done on public highways/private land?

it seems oddly specific knowledge, and you’re just mentioning this now on page 5. Not when I asked the questions about facilities and insurance on page 1/2 HmmGrin

Original poster
notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 19:42

forwhatitsworth22 · 27/10/2022 19:36

Exactly. Financial crisis, he may have worked out his finances and realised he can't afford to do the work himself. You offered to do the work for him, you turned down payment. He's found you a garage to do the work and can get the parts cheap, he's helping you. To say he's no longer invited for Christmas is petty.

He has £50,000 he wouldn't have had if I hadn't done the work for him. He was going to let it go and accept a much lower sum even though he was entitled to more.

I would have paid for the parts and he would have done the work for free. It would only cost him a morning of his time. He currently works part time.
But you live and learn.

OP posts:
ifIwerenotanandroid · 27/10/2022 19:44

Send him a bill at the end of the case.

forwhatitsworth22 · 27/10/2022 19:44

But you don't know what the money is getting spent on, he may have massive debts!!! He may have even been thinking about gifting you some at Christmas. The work isn't finished so as yet he doesn't have the money

FurAndFeathers · 27/10/2022 19:45

1FootInTheRave · 27/10/2022 19:41

I'd be really upset in light of all the work you've done for him.

Is an open and honest conversation an option? You're relationship with him is fucked otherwise.

Nah! OP has chosen fuck the relationship, high dudgeon and passive aggressive ghosting.

it’s exactly how someone would behave in real life… 😁

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 27/10/2022 19:45

He offered you money for the work you’ve done so tell him you would like payment as you’ve put in so much work. At an hourly rate of £x times y hours it would be ££££ but you’re happy to accept £400 ( and get your car repaired)

Chunkythighss · 27/10/2022 19:47

i can see why you’re upset but honestly you sound so rude.

You ‘insisted’ on helping on a case that he didn’t what to pursue.
You declined payment for the work you were doing.

If you can’t do something for someone without expecting anything back… you shouldn’t have offered it in the first place.

Theres no way you could do a 100 mile trip there and back on £40 of petrol.

Why, when he offered and then said something else didn’t you question it? If he’s really as close to you as you make out you should have said something straight away.

if you’re going to be as petty as you make out but withdrawing your help and uninviting him for Christmas, he probably is just better off without you.

Original poster
notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 19:47

FurAndFeathers · 27/10/2022 19:42

Interesting that you know the specific coverage of your BIL’s liability insurance @notmyrealmoniker does it cover him only in his workplace or also for work done on public highways/private land?

it seems oddly specific knowledge, and you’re just mentioning this now on page 5. Not when I asked the questions about facilities and insurance on page 1/2 HmmGrin

Are you being deliberately obtuse. He is a self employed car mechanic. He has his own business. Unless he is cheating his customers by not having liability insurance (he's not, he runs a successful business). He also does mobile work (according to his works van) so I don't quite get your point? Why are you squirming around nit picking a load of nothingness? Nothing better to do?

OP posts:
diddl · 27/10/2022 19:48

Are you still going to be able to get the parts at a discount?

If so isn't it that you won't get labour for free but it will be 100?

If that's not the case then can't you at least need him to get the parts at discount for you otherwise you can't afford to have your car fixed?

suzyscat · 27/10/2022 19:49

I think you need to try and park the anger and resentment and have a honest chat with him about what this means to you and what you see your options being without his help.

It's highly plausible he thinks this is the best solution for you, rather than an 8 hour round trip.

FurAndFeathers · 27/10/2022 19:49

notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 19:47

Are you being deliberately obtuse. He is a self employed car mechanic. He has his own business. Unless he is cheating his customers by not having liability insurance (he's not, he runs a successful business). He also does mobile work (according to his works van) so I don't quite get your point? Why are you squirming around nit picking a load of nothingness? Nothing better to do?

Show quote history

And there’s absolutely no way you could have mentioned any of that 4 pages ago. Drip…drip…drip…,

maybe ghosting him is best - he gets 50k and doesn’t need to deal with the batshittery

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 27/10/2022 19:50

Chunkythighss · 27/10/2022 19:47

i can see why you’re upset but honestly you sound so rude.

You ‘insisted’ on helping on a case that he didn’t what to pursue.
You declined payment for the work you were doing.

If you can’t do something for someone without expecting anything back… you shouldn’t have offered it in the first place.

Theres no way you could do a 100 mile trip there and back on £40 of petrol.

Why, when he offered and then said something else didn’t you question it? If he’s really as close to you as you make out you should have said something straight away.

if you’re going to be as petty as you make out but withdrawing your help and uninviting him for Christmas, he probably is just better off without you.

This. He offered you money and you said no. It's not his fault that you didn't accept it and even keep it as savings just in case. That's on you OP.
He hasn't got the money yet from the case, maybe he'll offer some again to you. He might not have the money himself now

Original poster
notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 19:50

forwhatitsworth22 · 27/10/2022 19:44

But you don't know what the money is getting spent on, he may have massive debts!!! He may have even been thinking about gifting you some at Christmas. The work isn't finished so as yet he doesn't have the money

He'll have it in a few weeks time as the agreement is due signing in a week or so. I don't want my car doing for a few months now. MOT guy said the brake pads were fine until next august. I doubt he'll get us much at Christmas, he didn't last year.

I think I'm beginning to see I've been a mug.

OP posts:
LimitIsUp · 27/10/2022 19:52

notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 18:15

My 4 yo (26,000 mile) car had a major service this week and I was told my disc brakes needed changing and my alternator belt too. Around £400 which I simply can't afford. Main dealer of course.

I spoke to my BIL who is a car mechanic who said he would order the parts at 60% off and do the work for me. We do live 4 hours away, but there is no rush and we could meet in the middle or I would go down there.

Yesterday, total about face and he said take it to a nearby garage and they will do it for about £100 and he would give me the website for the parts. So basically fuck all to help.

The thing is I have spent the last 18 months helping him with a legal case as he is dyslexic. I have spent literally hours and hours writing reports, responses and witness statements for him. Its a complex case. I've repeatedly said I don't want anything when he offered me money, weekend away etc.

AIBU to be fucked off that now I want something that he offered initially and I didn't ask for, has been withdrawn? AI also BU to stop all work on his legal case? Shall I just ignore him if he calls as I'm upset and angry?

Have you explicitly pointed this out to him in a 'hey I did all that for you, you owe me' way? Maybe it's because I am neuro diverse but I have no qualms about making my point clearly and directly

WhatsTheEffingPoint · 27/10/2022 19:54

OP ask the garage for the details on the breaks like the thickness of the pads/discs etc. Ask if they would pass an MOT.
I only say this as the main dealer I took may car to said them same, they needed doing, I said I would get them done elsewhere, never did and the car still passed an MOT the next year.
So it maybe money you don't need to spend just yet, but have in the back of your mind to save up for.

Thatboymum · 27/10/2022 19:54

yabu The two things aren’t even comparable ! You have even said yourself he’s offered you money for your help and you have declined the same way he has declined to fix the car but has kindly offered a reasonable and much more sensible(given the commute) alternative. He’s found you parts and a cheap garage that’s hardly doing fuck all. I guess if you don’t like it you can cut your nose off to spite your face and pay the £400 garage and in future don’t to favours expecting favours returned