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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my BIL won't fix my car for me?

239 replies

notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 18:15

My 4 yo (26,000 mile) car had a major service this week and I was told my disc brakes needed changing and my alternator belt too. Around £400 which I simply can't afford. Main dealer of course.

I spoke to my BIL who is a car mechanic who said he would order the parts at 60% off and do the work for me. We do live 4 hours away, but there is no rush and we could meet in the middle or I would go down there.

Yesterday, total about face and he said take it to a nearby garage and they will do it for about £100 and he would give me the website for the parts. So basically fuck all to help.

The thing is I have spent the last 18 months helping him with a legal case as he is dyslexic. I have spent literally hours and hours writing reports, responses and witness statements for him. Its a complex case. I've repeatedly said I don't want anything when he offered me money, weekend away etc.

AIBU to be fucked off that now I want something that he offered initially and I didn't ask for, has been withdrawn? AI also BU to stop all work on his legal case? Shall I just ignore him if he calls as I'm upset and angry?

OP posts:
Original poster
notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 20:16

BlueBar · 27/10/2022 20:09

It might be worth you spending as much time reading your own legal documents before signing if you signed for an unnecessary service plan...

If you didn't have enough put by to pay for relatively minor car repairs, you did need the money when it was offered.

How can a service plan be unecessary? The firm I took out the plan with specifically said I'd need this plan level to maintain the warranty.

I don't consider £400 minor costs, and a 4 yo car with 26,000 miles on it shouldnt need so much work. My previous 5 yo car with 30,000 miles on it (same model) needed nothing but tyres. So my expectation was reasonable.

I didn't ask or expect a freebie. He offered then withdrew the offer.

OP posts:
FurAndFeathers · 27/10/2022 20:17

Relevanceiskey · 27/10/2022 20:07

@FurAndFeathers Jesus your replies are insufferable. Stop nitpicking already. And op is supposedly the petty one.

OP I'm not sure why everyone is jumping on you.

OP doesn't EXPECT the favour, as much as hopes someone who she gave up hours of her time for would do the same back in his own bloody field of work too. You would all be raving and ranting at way less on MN. If I spent months helping someone, and they wouldn't offer help back when they could, I'd be reconsidering that friendship. That's what you do for people you care about, and that's without even "owing" a favour because they have helped you a shit ton.

For those saying "but you want this specific thing done and are upset he didn't do this specific thing to pay you back!!!" He's a mechanic for fucks sake, she has issues with her car. She is not asking a chef for open heart surgery.

And mumsnet is usually all for not being walked all over...

Yep totally insufferable to suggest having an actual conversation and that there may be perfectly reasonable logistical reasons as to why BIL can’t do this favour.

who needs reason when you can blame him for ruining your kid’s Christmas, ghost him and fracture your family. It almost sounds like an unrealistic response….

WHEREEL · 27/10/2022 20:17

This is a non-issue. You asked for help, he’s tried his best, it isn’t what you wanted. Go back to him, tell him your skint and now need family support and could he pay for the work that’s needed or pay for the parts and do the work at Christmas.

FurAndFeathers · 27/10/2022 20:19

I didn't ask or expect a freebie. He offered then withdrew the offer.

but you clearly expect the freebie now he’s had to withdraw his offer. Otherwise why post stating so?

Obki · 27/10/2022 20:19

Your BIL wanted the kudos for offering to do a job but he didn’t actually want to do it. He was expecting you to say no, you’ll got to a garage, just as you refused the money for helping him.

I’m glad you’re rescinding the invite to Christmas, I couldn’t bear to watch the smug fucker tuck into a Christmas meal I’d prepared.

Obki · 27/10/2022 20:20

FurAndFeathers · 27/10/2022 20:19

I didn't ask or expect a freebie. He offered then withdrew the offer.

but you clearly expect the freebie now he’s had to withdraw his offer. Otherwise why post stating so?

Oh do go away

Original poster
notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 20:21

Lucidas · 27/10/2022 20:09

How did you have the time to spend 8 hours on Zoom? Don’t you have a job? Why are you skint?

Perhaps you should find a job that capitalises on your clearly valuable skill sets.

Because Mediation (with a mediator) took 8 bloody hours, by which time BIL was about to cave in and except the lower offer, but I pursuaded him to keep going and they defendants caved in right at the last moment.

Why am I skint? Not heard of the cost of living crisis? Food, electricity, childcare, transport etc costs?

My valuable skillset? I don't need a third job thank you

OP posts:
MuttsNutts · 27/10/2022 20:22

So why don’t you just say something to him and stop acting the passive-aggressive martyr?

In far less than the time you’ve taken on here you could have rung or messaged him to say “Hey, how’s about you pay for the car to be fixed as a thank you for all the help I’ve given you with your legal case?”

Or do you just want strangers to tell you how generous you are and what a twat he is?

roseheartfly · 27/10/2022 20:22

If you want to sink to his level: Next time you need to help him legal work, advise him of local solicitor and post the website..

Or message/call and say you are disappointed because you always help him.

FurAndFeathers · 27/10/2022 20:23

Obki · 27/10/2022 20:20

Oh do go away

Show quote history

You realise that’s not how this site works right?

Sushi7 · 27/10/2022 20:24

@notmyrealmoniker If you paid for all the parts then could he fix the car for free/discounted? Can’t be nearly as bad as paying £400 which you were quoted elsewhere. You didn’t ask to be paid for helping him with whatever you did for his legal case. You can’t throw that in his face.

Original poster
notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 20:25

@WHEREEL You asked for help, he’s tried his best, it isn’t what you wanted

?? I didn't ask for help, I asked for advice on what the dealership told me. He gave me the advice. I was grateful for it. Then he offered to do the work, then withdrew the offer the next day. In what way has he tried his best? He's had the benefit of 'my best' to the tune of £50K.

OP posts:
lookslikeabombhitit · 27/10/2022 20:25

Why not just say something like "thanks for sorting that garage out but even £100 is too much for me at the moment as I'm skint- is there any chance you can do it if I bring it to you?".

Dguu6u · 27/10/2022 20:25

Sorry completely not the point of the thread, but is it a hybrid car? The brake discs rust really quickly on those. Had to get mine replaced after 4 years too.

FurAndFeathers · 27/10/2022 20:26

MuttsNutts · 27/10/2022 20:22

So why don’t you just say something to him and stop acting the passive-aggressive martyr?

In far less than the time you’ve taken on here you could have rung or messaged him to say “Hey, how’s about you pay for the car to be fixed as a thank you for all the help I’ve given you with your legal case?”

Or do you just want strangers to tell you how generous you are and what a twat he is?

I honestly can’t think of any other reasons why an adult would behave this way

MariEllie · 27/10/2022 20:26

When my brakes needed changing I found a local mechanic who came and did the job for £60 plus parts so one £150 for the whole thing. Would be worth you looking on the Internet locally for a mobile mechanic

Original poster
notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 20:27

Sushi7 · 27/10/2022 20:24

@notmyrealmoniker If you paid for all the parts then could he fix the car for free/discounted? Can’t be nearly as bad as paying £400 which you were quoted elsewhere. You didn’t ask to be paid for helping him with whatever you did for his legal case. You can’t throw that in his face.

This is what he initially offered to do. I was going to pay for the discounted parts and he would do the work for free. He offered. I never asked or expected it, and then, next day he told me a local garage would do it.

I've no intention of throwing anything in his face, as I won't be bothering with him again.

OP posts:
donttellmehesalive · 27/10/2022 20:28

notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 20:25

@WHEREEL You asked for help, he’s tried his best, it isn’t what you wanted

?? I didn't ask for help, I asked for advice on what the dealership told me. He gave me the advice. I was grateful for it. Then he offered to do the work, then withdrew the offer the next day. In what way has he tried his best? He's had the benefit of 'my best' to the tune of £50K.

Tbf he got your call out of the blue. Made the offer then thought about it properly overnight and came up with another solution.

Would he do it when he comes to stay at Christmas, as you're in no rush?

Original poster
notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 20:29

Dguu6u · 27/10/2022 20:25

Sorry completely not the point of the thread, but is it a hybrid car? The brake discs rust really quickly on those. Had to get mine replaced after 4 years too.

No, its a petrol toyota aygo. It was 2 years living by the sea so maybe thats something to do with it.

OP posts:
Wetblanket78 · 27/10/2022 20:30

Get DH to have a word with him. He's his brother.

TempName01 · 27/10/2022 20:31

He might give you some of his payment though, are you sure you want to bite your nose off to spite your face?!

donttellmehesalive · 27/10/2022 20:31

I keep thinking about all those mn threads where people have been dropped by friends and family and don't know why. This is crazy to me. To drop someone for a suggestion that most people would find reasonable and helpful, without any sort of discussion. It surely can't be real.

Original poster
notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 20:35

Thank everyone who has said nice things. I know I should just speak to him, but sometimes you are just hurt.

He has said 100s of times of the past 18 months how grateful he is, how he wants to repay me, how he'll never be able to repay me enough, how I've saved his sanity....on and on about it, and all I say is, he's family, I care about him, he's a friend and I'd do this for anyone I cared about.

Its not just the paperwork and time etc, its also taking calls at all hours when he's felt down, and like throwing the towel in and how he is struggling with the lies the defendants are telling to get out of payment, so I've also been a free bloody counsellor.

OP posts:
Original poster
notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 20:38

TempName01 · 27/10/2022 20:31

He might give you some of his payment though, are you sure you want to bite your nose off to spite your face?!

He won't. I've said all along, I'm not doing it for money but for family.

I think I actually have a thing about accepting help, especially money from friends and family! Yet I'll help anyone. I'm a bloody idiot

OP posts:
sosoverytired · 27/10/2022 20:39

My OH is a mobile mechanic. Our insurance states categorically family members cars are not covered. End of. The only way around this is getting our employees to do the work itself. Even then it's a bit iffy. We also cannot randomly show up at a service station to do the work either as would need to be sure it's safe.

So perhaps not as simple as "not wanting to do it".

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