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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my BIL won't fix my car for me?

239 replies

notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 18:15

My 4 yo (26,000 mile) car had a major service this week and I was told my disc brakes needed changing and my alternator belt too. Around £400 which I simply can't afford. Main dealer of course.

I spoke to my BIL who is a car mechanic who said he would order the parts at 60% off and do the work for me. We do live 4 hours away, but there is no rush and we could meet in the middle or I would go down there.

Yesterday, total about face and he said take it to a nearby garage and they will do it for about £100 and he would give me the website for the parts. So basically fuck all to help.

The thing is I have spent the last 18 months helping him with a legal case as he is dyslexic. I have spent literally hours and hours writing reports, responses and witness statements for him. Its a complex case. I've repeatedly said I don't want anything when he offered me money, weekend away etc.

AIBU to be fucked off that now I want something that he offered initially and I didn't ask for, has been withdrawn? AI also BU to stop all work on his legal case? Shall I just ignore him if he calls as I'm upset and angry?

OP posts:
FurAndFeathers · 27/10/2022 20:40

notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 20:35

Thank everyone who has said nice things. I know I should just speak to him, but sometimes you are just hurt.

He has said 100s of times of the past 18 months how grateful he is, how he wants to repay me, how he'll never be able to repay me enough, how I've saved his sanity....on and on about it, and all I say is, he's family, I care about him, he's a friend and I'd do this for anyone I cared about.

Its not just the paperwork and time etc, its also taking calls at all hours when he's felt down, and like throwing the towel in and how he is struggling with the lies the defendants are telling to get out of payment, so I've also been a free bloody counsellor.

Honestly you sound incredibly resentful and hurt that you aren’t getting the ‘recognition’ you feel you deserve.

if you’re driven to do extended favours for people in order to gain recognition/external validation and then feel disproportionally resentful and destroy family relationships when the recognition you feel you deserve doesn’t occur, it may be worth you exploring that with a professional

KettrickenSmiled · 27/10/2022 20:43

The thing is I have spent the last 18 months helping him with a legal case as he is dyslexic. I have spent literally hours and hours writing reports, responses and witness statements for him. Its a complex case. I've repeatedly said I don't want anything when he offered me money, weekend away etc.
Have you said this to him?

AIBU to be fucked off that now I want something that he offered initially and I didn't ask for, has been withdrawn?
YANBU

AI also BU to stop all work on his legal case? Shall I just ignore him if he calls as I'm upset and angry?
YABU.
Unless you enjoy cutting your nose off to spite your face.
Tell him exactly what you wrote here, & ask him how he'd feel if you stopped doing favours for HIM.

That at least gives you a chance of getting what you need.
Ignoring him will get you nothing, & won't magically give you back all the hours you poured into helping him, for free.

snakeitoff · 27/10/2022 20:45

What do you mean 'travel half way'

Is he supposed to do the work at a service station car park?

FurAndFeathers · 27/10/2022 20:49

snakeitoff · 27/10/2022 20:45

What do you mean 'travel half way'

Is he supposed to do the work at a service station car park?

Yep. OP says she knows his insurance would cover him for any liability Grin

KettrickenSmiled · 27/10/2022 20:52

And what would be the point in asking? He clearly doesn't want to do it and I'm not going to put him on the spot by asking him. I'll just ghost him.

If you're that pass-agg all the time in real life, no wonder you don't get what you want & people walk all over you.

I'm really sorry BiL has been such an arse & it's very unfair that you have been slapped in the face like this. The point of asking is to reopen the dialogue, put your point of view, & persuade him to behave reasonably.

You were able to summarise the inequity of his treatment of you so well in your OP. Why are you unable to simply put that to him?
The thing is I have spent the last 18 months helping him with a legal case as he is dyslexic. I have spent literally hours and hours writing reports, responses and witness statements for him. Its a complex case. I've repeatedly said I don't want anything when he offered me money, weekend away etc.

Tell him the above, remind him that he said he would help you but then reneged, & see what happens.

Asdf12345 · 27/10/2022 20:53

I found it very hard to see an eight hour round trip costing less than £100 in motoring costs, so I did some sums.

Assuming you average 40mph and 60mpg in your aygo it is about £40 in petrol, let’s say there is more motorway time so call
it £50.

Add £10 additional costs (my tyres etc seem to run about 15-20% of fuel costs).

If you take a packed lunch your eight hours
driving plus three hours there for the work and a social chat saves you £40 for an eleven hour day.

Just tell him you are flat broke and could do with a few quid, leave the car out of it.

FurAndFeathers · 27/10/2022 20:54

Asdf12345 · 27/10/2022 20:53

I found it very hard to see an eight hour round trip costing less than £100 in motoring costs, so I did some sums.

Assuming you average 40mph and 60mpg in your aygo it is about £40 in petrol, let’s say there is more motorway time so call
it £50.

Add £10 additional costs (my tyres etc seem to run about 15-20% of fuel costs).

If you take a packed lunch your eight hours
driving plus three hours there for the work and a social chat saves you £40 for an eleven hour day.

Just tell him you are flat broke and could do with a few quid, leave the car out of it.

I’m sure this is true. But I have zero optimism that this or any other constructive advice that has been repeated throughout this thread, is what the OP wants to hear,

Original poster
notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 20:56

sosoverytired · 27/10/2022 20:39

My OH is a mobile mechanic. Our insurance states categorically family members cars are not covered. End of. The only way around this is getting our employees to do the work itself. Even then it's a bit iffy. We also cannot randomly show up at a service station to do the work either as would need to be sure it's safe.

So perhaps not as simple as "not wanting to do it".

I'm sure if this was the case he would have said and used it as a very reasonable excuse not to do the work. I would have understood this. He didn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 20:58

snakeitoff · 27/10/2022 20:45

What do you mean 'travel half way'

Is he supposed to do the work at a service station car park?

No, his mother lives half way between us and has a double garage he could do the work in. He visits her regularly, as does DH. I sometimes go with him, but not everytime as I work weekends.

OP posts:
Original poster
notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 21:00

Asdf12345 · 27/10/2022 20:53

I found it very hard to see an eight hour round trip costing less than £100 in motoring costs, so I did some sums.

Assuming you average 40mph and 60mpg in your aygo it is about £40 in petrol, let’s say there is more motorway time so call
it £50.

Add £10 additional costs (my tyres etc seem to run about 15-20% of fuel costs).

If you take a packed lunch your eight hours
driving plus three hours there for the work and a social chat saves you £40 for an eleven hour day.

Just tell him you are flat broke and could do with a few quid, leave the car out of it.

Good idea.

I'm sure if I sleep on it I'll be a bit more reasonable about asking him for help. I really want to know why he offered then said the opposite the following day? Just odd.

OP posts:
beachcitygirl · 27/10/2022 21:01

He's a twat. I would not help him with a single thing ever again.

sosoverytired · 27/10/2022 21:01

No but also offered a very viable alternative. Also to meet you halfway he would be travelling two hours. More often than not there are a choice in parts and it's not unusual for suppliers to send the wrong ones. Meaning two hours or more to then get the correct ones.

Also, is he aware it isn't urgent and could wait til the Christmas visit or is he perhaps under the impression they are urgent?

However I would simply chat to him and explain your situation and then see how he reacts? It may have just been a very unfortunate misunderstanding.

But a service station would be classed as roadside recovery and not many mechanics are covered by this. So perhaps embarrassed he offered without thinking it through.

notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

jaqpaoem · 27/10/2022 21:02

"No, his mother lives half way between us and has a double garage he could do the work in. He visits her regularly, as does DH. I sometimes go with him, but not everytime as I work weekends."

How convenient

ilovesooty · 27/10/2022 21:02

Cavviesarethebest · 27/10/2022 20:06

@LaGioconda the bil has dyslexia - so the op would
have helped to read and check it all, correct it etc etc

Surely the solicitor would have had to read and check everything anyway. At least one would hope so.

FurAndFeathers · 27/10/2022 21:03

notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 20:56

I'm sure if this was the case he would have said and used it as a very reasonable excuse not to do the work. I would have understood this. He didn't.

Show quote history

But you’ve said you’ve not actually bothered to have a conversation with him?

I raised the same point multiple times about his insurance and you called me an arse and told me you knew he’d be covered. Now someone else is raising the same perfectly valid point you’re blaming your BIL again this time for not telling you the specifics of his insurance.

it’s almost like you’re determined to only accept a version of reality where he’s treating you terribly and you’re the victim and refusing to engage in an actual conversation that might show your assumptions to be incorrect. Confused

FurAndFeathers · 27/10/2022 21:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Haha!
I guess you’d know 😁

FurAndFeathers · 27/10/2022 21:05

jaqpaoem · 27/10/2022 21:02

"No, his mother lives half way between us and has a double garage he could do the work in. He visits her regularly, as does DH. I sometimes go with him, but not everytime as I work weekends."

How convenient

Yup!

drip….. drip….. drip….,

jaqpaoem · 27/10/2022 21:05

@FurAndFeathers

Pot and kettle springs to mind

Original poster
notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 21:06

sosoverytired · 27/10/2022 21:01

No but also offered a very viable alternative. Also to meet you halfway he would be travelling two hours. More often than not there are a choice in parts and it's not unusual for suppliers to send the wrong ones. Meaning two hours or more to then get the correct ones.

Also, is he aware it isn't urgent and could wait til the Christmas visit or is he perhaps under the impression they are urgent?

However I would simply chat to him and explain your situation and then see how he reacts? It may have just been a very unfortunate misunderstanding.

But a service station would be classed as roadside recovery and not many mechanics are covered by this. So perhaps embarrassed he offered without thinking it through.

The parts are ordered online, so they would be correct or returnable.
He knows its not urgent. He told me they had plenty of life left in them as did the MOT man a couple of months ago. His mother lives 2 hours away so between both of us and has a large garage he could do the work in. He visits her fairly regularly, so not difficult to meet up.

He keeps offering me a day at the seaside and scampi and chips. Maybe thats the extent of his genuine generosity because, of course I'd need to get myself to the seaside. 😂

I'll speak to him :-)

OP posts:
Emotionalsupportviper · 27/10/2022 21:06

notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 20:35

Thank everyone who has said nice things. I know I should just speak to him, but sometimes you are just hurt.

He has said 100s of times of the past 18 months how grateful he is, how he wants to repay me, how he'll never be able to repay me enough, how I've saved his sanity....on and on about it, and all I say is, he's family, I care about him, he's a friend and I'd do this for anyone I cared about.

Its not just the paperwork and time etc, its also taking calls at all hours when he's felt down, and like throwing the towel in and how he is struggling with the lies the defendants are telling to get out of payment, so I've also been a free bloody counsellor.

I know I should just speak to him, but sometimes you are just hurt.

I can completely understand this - you helped him because ou care about him and wouldn't see him taken advantage of.

It's as though he's told you that you aren't worth a morning of his time.

I'd be hurt, too.

Zone2NorthLondon · 27/10/2022 21:08

notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 18:32

He didn't offer to in this instance, just advised me to pay for it myself. I can hardly say, remember when you offered me a weekend away, or money. :-(

Show quote history

You remind of previous remuneration he offered and directly ask he pay the £100

Prrambulate · 27/10/2022 21:08

You sound very controlling for someone so impeccably charitable and generous.

You have to fix the car yourself, and pay back the favour in the way that I want - no, I won't accept any money from you under any circumstances, yes, it has to be your TIME and you have to do it yourself and give up your morning (didn't I give up masses of time for you??) - see, you can even do it at your mum's garage (I'm so accommodating and reasonable!)

FurAndFeathers · 27/10/2022 21:08

jaqpaoem · 27/10/2022 21:05

@FurAndFeathers

Pot and kettle springs to mind

Yes it’s tedious when someone shatters the drama with reasonable questions and points isn’t it!

BretonBlue · 27/10/2022 21:08

I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t tell him how hurt you are given the significant and valuable work you have done for him.