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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my BIL won't fix my car for me?

239 replies

notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 18:15

My 4 yo (26,000 mile) car had a major service this week and I was told my disc brakes needed changing and my alternator belt too. Around £400 which I simply can't afford. Main dealer of course.

I spoke to my BIL who is a car mechanic who said he would order the parts at 60% off and do the work for me. We do live 4 hours away, but there is no rush and we could meet in the middle or I would go down there.

Yesterday, total about face and he said take it to a nearby garage and they will do it for about £100 and he would give me the website for the parts. So basically fuck all to help.

The thing is I have spent the last 18 months helping him with a legal case as he is dyslexic. I have spent literally hours and hours writing reports, responses and witness statements for him. Its a complex case. I've repeatedly said I don't want anything when he offered me money, weekend away etc.

AIBU to be fucked off that now I want something that he offered initially and I didn't ask for, has been withdrawn? AI also BU to stop all work on his legal case? Shall I just ignore him if he calls as I'm upset and angry?

OP posts:
3ShotsOfEspresso · 27/10/2022 19:56

Have you spoken to your sibling about his attitude?

Have you said “you are £50k better off because of hours of my free time” to him?

FurAndFeathers · 27/10/2022 19:57

notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 19:50

He'll have it in a few weeks time as the agreement is due signing in a week or so. I don't want my car doing for a few months now. MOT guy said the brake pads were fine until next august. I doubt he'll get us much at Christmas, he didn't last year.

I think I'm beginning to see I've been a mug.

Show quote history

So you’ve had a major car service and been told your disc brakes need changing but you’ve also had an MOT and been told your brake pads are fine for another 10 months?

I’m confused 🤔

diddl · 27/10/2022 19:57

I think I'm beginning to see I've been a mug.

It's not as if he somehow coerced you into it though!

He hadn't even asked for help with it!

Original poster
notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 19:57

@LimitIsUp Neurodiversity should be universal if it stops dumb people like me not pointing out that I need financial help now, not a year ago when you offered 😀

OP posts:
Emotionalsupportviper · 27/10/2022 19:58

AI also BU to stop all work on his legal case?

I wouldn't just stop work, I'd put a bill in for hours already invested in his case. He'll go crackers, of course and say you said you didn't;'t want anything, and you can then say he told you initially he'd fix your car, and if he can change his mind, you can change yours.

You won't get anything, of course, but it will let him see what an *rse he is.

MrsDamonSalvatore · 27/10/2022 19:59

I don’t blame you for being hacked off. You’ve used your valuable skills to help him and when the opportunity presents itself to show some gratitude and use his skills to pay you back he doesn’t want to know. He can jog on. That’s the last work I’d be doing for him in his shoes and I’d tell him why. I agree about Christmas too!

Original poster
notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 19:59

diddl · 27/10/2022 19:57

I think I'm beginning to see I've been a mug.

It's not as if he somehow coerced you into it though!

He hadn't even asked for help with it!

You must be a lovely family member if you never offer to help someone in distress at the loss of £50,000?

note to self: never offer to help anyone again, because the kindness will not be returned...

OP posts:
LaGioconda · 27/10/2022 20:00

Quveas · 27/10/2022 18:20

So you can pay £400, which you can't afford, or go to the garage that your BIL knows who will charge a quarter of that. And you think he's being unreasonable? That's "fuck all help"? There's plenty of people who would be grateful for that "fuck all".

Presumably the garage OP has approached already is including the cost of parts in that £400, and OP still has to buy them. It doesn't look like there would be that much difference in cost in practice.

MrsDamonSalvatore · 27/10/2022 20:00

In your shoes rather, not his!

Original poster
notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 20:02

3ShotsOfEspresso · 27/10/2022 19:56

Have you spoken to your sibling about his attitude?

Have you said “you are £50k better off because of hours of my free time” to him?

He thinks he's an arse too, but doesn't want to cause a family argument.
@Emotionalsupportviper @MrsDamonSalvatore Thanks. I think I'm just hurt to be honest. I won't create a scene but he can jog on in future.

OP posts:
HTH1 · 27/10/2022 20:03

I don’t think it’s too late to say to him that your situation has changed and you do need a share of the money he wouldn’t have otherwise had. Suggest 25% and see what he says.

LaGioconda · 27/10/2022 20:05

notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 19:03

@FurAndFeathers You clearly want to be the fly in my soup.
also @RedHelenB Of course he had a solicitor, but he was not going to pursue the case because it overwhelmed him. It was my pursuading him to go on with it and promising to do the actual paperwork involved, that encouraged him to go ahead. I have said that but you clearly haven't read it. So he is £50K up purely because of the work I did on his behalf.
You've clearly never been involved in a complex legal case if you think the solicitor does all the work. Believe it or not they actually need something to put into the legal letters to the defendants!

But they normally draft witness statements, generally based on their discussions with their client and the documents. I don't understand why it was down to you.

Putdownthecake · 27/10/2022 20:05

he hasn't got the money yet and he's come up with a simple solution that would save a 4 hr drive and cost very little compared to the dealer. I'd be very surprised if he wasn't planning on giving you some money once he receives it. You offered help so you must feel passionate about it/got some enjoyment. He didn't ask. He offered payment. You rejected. I think your anger is premature. See what happens once he receives the money first.

Uninviting someone from Christmas is ridiculously petty. How do you know he's not planning on saying 'merry xmas, here's 10k, thanks for your help' etc.

catandcoffee · 27/10/2022 20:06

OP he's used you and no longer needs your support.
You live and learn.

Some people are takers in life.

Cavviesarethebest · 27/10/2022 20:06

@LaGioconda the bil has dyslexia - so the op would
have helped to read and check it all, correct it etc etc

Relevanceiskey · 27/10/2022 20:07

@FurAndFeathers Jesus your replies are insufferable. Stop nitpicking already. And op is supposedly the petty one.

OP I'm not sure why everyone is jumping on you.

OP doesn't EXPECT the favour, as much as hopes someone who she gave up hours of her time for would do the same back in his own bloody field of work too. You would all be raving and ranting at way less on MN. If I spent months helping someone, and they wouldn't offer help back when they could, I'd be reconsidering that friendship. That's what you do for people you care about, and that's without even "owing" a favour because they have helped you a shit ton.

For those saying "but you want this specific thing done and are upset he didn't do this specific thing to pay you back!!!" He's a mechanic for fucks sake, she has issues with her car. She is not asking a chef for open heart surgery.

And mumsnet is usually all for not being walked all over...

Thatboymum · 27/10/2022 20:08

HTH1 · 27/10/2022 20:03

I don’t think it’s too late to say to him that your situation has changed and you do need a share of the money he wouldn’t have otherwise had. Suggest 25% and see what he says.

Why should he do this when the op has said herself that he was willing to drop it and she herself persuaded him not to and that she promised to do all the work? That was a choice she made apparently out of kindness but increasingly looking a lot more like she was hoping to get something out it in the end and the man has offered her money for her help along the way, it doesn’t matter if there is a financial crisis now it’s irrelevant really just because he’s now got a big sum of money coming in. Op made a choice to dedicate her time to this he owes her absolutely nothing. I can not stand people who do favours and then hold them over you expecting something in return.

Lucidas · 27/10/2022 20:09

How did you have the time to spend 8 hours on Zoom? Don’t you have a job? Why are you skint?

Perhaps you should find a job that capitalises on your clearly valuable skill sets.

BlueBar · 27/10/2022 20:09

It might be worth you spending as much time reading your own legal documents before signing if you signed for an unnecessary service plan...

If you didn't have enough put by to pay for relatively minor car repairs, you did need the money when it was offered.

DamnUserName21 · 27/10/2022 20:11

Considering you netted him £50, 000 for doing free work, fixing your car is the least he could do, IMO.
Don't do any work in future for him and cancel Xmas plans with them.

Original poster
notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 20:11

Relevanceiskey · 27/10/2022 20:07

@FurAndFeathers Jesus your replies are insufferable. Stop nitpicking already. And op is supposedly the petty one.

OP I'm not sure why everyone is jumping on you.

OP doesn't EXPECT the favour, as much as hopes someone who she gave up hours of her time for would do the same back in his own bloody field of work too. You would all be raving and ranting at way less on MN. If I spent months helping someone, and they wouldn't offer help back when they could, I'd be reconsidering that friendship. That's what you do for people you care about, and that's without even "owing" a favour because they have helped you a shit ton.

For those saying "but you want this specific thing done and are upset he didn't do this specific thing to pay you back!!!" He's a mechanic for fucks sake, she has issues with her car. She is not asking a chef for open heart surgery.

And mumsnet is usually all for not being walked all over...

I love this 😂

OP posts:
Lucidas · 27/10/2022 20:11

You are also willing to drive 4 hours as though that’s no big deal. Why are you willing to give up your time so freely when your time = money if deployed wisely?

Lucidas · 27/10/2022 20:13

notmyrealmoniker · 27/10/2022 19:59

You must be a lovely family member if you never offer to help someone in distress at the loss of £50,000?

note to self: never offer to help anyone again, because the kindness will not be returned...

Show quote history

and people are saying the OP doesn’t ‘expect’ a return of the favour.

this ‘note’ is literally the definition of it…

TempName01 · 27/10/2022 20:15

4 hours of your time plus 4 hours of his time plus time spent actually fixing the car, it is cheaper to pay the £100 and get the parts with his 60% discount on the website. I wouldn’t be falling out with him as he did offer you money, you can’t turn around after the fact and demand it. You never know, he might gift you something when his money comes through!

donttellmehesalive · 27/10/2022 20:15

" I think I'm just hurt to be honest. I won't create a scene but he can jog on in future."

And he'll have absolutely no idea what he's done to offend you, since he made a really helpful and reasonable suggestion that saves you a lot of money and a day of driving.

Why can't he do it when he comes to you at Christmas?

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