Page 19 | AIBU to not stop my daughter's trips with her grandmother?

louisart · 2022-10-27T15:28:13+00:00

I remarried earlier this year. My wife and I each had daughters from previous relationships. Her daughter (Rose) is 13 and my daughter (Iris) is 16. Until recently we have all gotten along well and I think we’ve done a good job blending our families. Aside from small age related things we treat the girls the same. The issue my wife and Rose have is that Iris has a grandmother (my late wife’s mum) who takes her on biannual trips. These trips are something they have been doing for years ever since Iris was a little girl. It was also a bonding thing for my mil and her daughter as well. The three of them used to have such a great time together. I think it’s great that they have continued doing these trips together all these years. Especially since her grandmother lives far away so they do not see each other regularly. Rose however was very jealous after Iris came back from their trip this summer (their first trip since I remarried). Even more so when she saw the new stuff Iris had gotten (they do a little shopping when they travel). She had snuck into Iris’s room and snooped. Iris and her grandmother were also very kind to bring back a gift for me, my wife, and Rose. Rose still thought it was unfair because she only got one thing while Iris got several things. They’ve started planning their winter trip and its really made things tense in our household. Iris had asked me and my wife what our plans were for winter break so she could figure out dates with her grandmother. Rose however overheard the conversation and now she’s mad that Iris is going on another trip. Unfortunately my wife and I cannot afford to take Rose on a similar trip right now. I thought that we could try saving up to go someplace special in a few years, but my wife thinks that I should tell Iris and her grandmother that they cannot go on their trips at all anymore in the mean time. I feel like it’s unfair to stop these trips when she enjoys and looks forward to them so much and that stopping the trips will only cause her to resent Rose. She however said it’s unfair to Rose to continue them and that stopping them is the only way we can keep peace in our household and keep the girls feeling like they are equals. I think it unreasonable to expect them to be treated equally by each others non mutual family members and that the important thing is that we teat them equally.

DaughterofDawn · 28/10/2022 03:58

Stopping the trips seems like a perfect way to breed resentment between your daughter and your partner and her daughter. I would tread very carefully. It does not seem fair to break that family tradition just because of some jealousy.

EllesB · 28/10/2022 04:03

It sounds like there are two different issues here. The issue of Iris and her trips with her grandmother has been done to death. Obviously those trips must continue.

The second is that from your posts, it seems like Rose does not have a close relationship with a grandparent on her side the way that Iris does. You said that there haven't been any issues with Rose or your wife before now, so I'm going to go with that assumption rather than the idea that Rose is spoilt that so many have jumped to.

It sounds like Rose deals with a lot of apathy from her own family members (like her father) and wants someone to care enough to take her on a trip too. This is not unreasonable. Your family can't afford to do that, but can something else be managed? While Iris is away with her grandmother, could Rose and her mother go on a day or weekend trip within reasonable distance? Or the three of you if Rose would like that? I think it would be completely fair to plan something like that, and Rose is old enough to understand that "Well it may not be Rome (or wherever Iris is going), but we wanted to take you on a trip of your own." You said that you all had only been living together as a family for around a year, right? I suspect that Rose is feeling sad or excluded rather than covetous, and that making a gesture will help her feel more happy and secure.

DaughterofDawn · 28/10/2022 04:08

I also disagree with forcing the grandmother to take the other along. I have been in the grandmother’s shoes and begrudgingly took a cold I was not related to on a trip with my niece. Her step brother. He whined and cried that my niece was getting unfair treatment so I took him with us. Not only did my niece feel upset that he came along on a trip where we normally bond and talk about personal girl things but he was also very rude and emotionally disconnected. He was staring at his phone the entire time. Ordered an expensive meal ate two bites of it and when I tried to ask him about himself his answers were all “it’s okay.” “I don’t know.” “sure.” “yeah.” and my favourite the shoulder shrug. meanwhile his side of the family was happy to ignore my niece and shower him in presents and did her no favours while he invaded pretty much every aspect of my nieces life because of jealousy and a very clear uneven family dynamic.

The step sister and your new wife need to understand that your daughter has a past with a different family with their own traditions. She didn’t choose to lose her mother or too marry into this family. It is unfair to ask her to give up this private time with her maternal grandmother who is the last piece of her mother that she has.

DaughterofDawn · 28/10/2022 04:13

EllesB · 28/10/2022 04:03

It sounds like there are two different issues here. The issue of Iris and her trips with her grandmother has been done to death. Obviously those trips must continue.

The second is that from your posts, it seems like Rose does not have a close relationship with a grandparent on her side the way that Iris does. You said that there haven't been any issues with Rose or your wife before now, so I'm going to go with that assumption rather than the idea that Rose is spoilt that so many have jumped to.

It sounds like Rose deals with a lot of apathy from her own family members (like her father) and wants someone to care enough to take her on a trip too. This is not unreasonable. Your family can't afford to do that, but can something else be managed? While Iris is away with her grandmother, could Rose and her mother go on a day or weekend trip within reasonable distance? Or the three of you if Rose would like that? I think it would be completely fair to plan something like that, and Rose is old enough to understand that "Well it may not be Rome (or wherever Iris is going), but we wanted to take you on a trip of your own." You said that you all had only been living together as a family for around a year, right? I suspect that Rose is feeling sad or excluded rather than covetous, and that making a gesture will help her feel more happy and secure.

I like this idea. I mean surely there are affordable “trips” you can go on that are local. Maybe the aquarian, movies, zoo, ice skating, the beach, a picnic, a nice restaurant, I don’t know where you live but perhaps a nearby tourist destination such as big ben as an example?

HowVeryBizarre · 28/10/2022 04:38

I know 13 year olds are egocentric but if Rose really can’t understand that she has something Iris will never have again I would be concerned about her lack of empathy. Your wife needs to sit down with Rose and explain (presumably again) that Iris spending time with her grandmother is her grandmother’s way of keeping the connection alive and maintaining her relationship with her granddaughter. This woman has lost her daughter which probably makes Iris extra special to her. Expecting Rose to be included in their trips because her mum can’t say no to her is ridiculous and will only cause Iris to resent her stepmother.

anyolddinosaur · 28/10/2022 05:51

You need to do something nice with Rose while Iris is away. It's a time for you to give her attention and bond with her. You cant afford to take her away but you can give her time and attention. Think about what she enjoys and do it with her.

Your wife needs to explain that life is not fair, Iris has no mother, Rose is being cruel. Your wife needs to mother her child but being a good mother is not always supporting your child uncritically it is raising them to be a good adult. Jealousy should not be supported.

expat101 · 28/10/2022 06:34

I have been thinking about this a lot this afternoon (my time zone) and my newest question is didn’t your now wife know before you were married that Iris spent time away with her maternal granny?

Did new wife or even Rose ever say anything before this latest trip?

I wonder if she might be one of those who think things will change once they are married.. but surely this was a topic and part of your life well before you married Rose’s mum?

Valeriekat · 28/10/2022 07:02

BaffledShopper · 27/10/2022 16:30

YANBU but your mother-in-law is. She should take both girls on the trips in future.

What a ridiculous thing to say.

Dinoteeth · 28/10/2022 07:03

Something that has crossed my mind, is there any other way Iris's mum is being erased from the family?
Photos? Her belongs? If you are still in the marital home, her style and decor?

ohforthelife · 28/10/2022 07:26

BaffledShopper · 27/10/2022 16:30

YANBU but your mother-in-law is. She should take both girls on the trips in future.

Wtf? Of course she shouldn't! She's entitled to have time with her own granddaughter without being expected to take an extra one along who she isn't even related to.

Do not stop the trips OP. Your wife and her daughter will have to find a way of dealing with it, it's nothing to do with them.

bloodyplanes · 28/10/2022 07:40

Your wife and sd are acting like spoilt brats! YANBU at all, they are!

WifeMotherWorker · 28/10/2022 08:27

YANBU - please don’t stop these precious trips. Your DD has lost her mother and her GM has lost her daughter which is tragic for both of them and these trips are so important. This whole episode reflects incredibly badly on your new wife and her daughter, asking that these trips are stopped is cruel. Stand up for your daughter and hold firm, she is your absolute priority.

wingsandstrings · 28/10/2022 08:48

It's already 'not fair' - your daughter has lost her mother and your step-daughter still has hers. I'm sure your daughter would give up travel and shopping gifts in a heart-beat to live with her Mum again. It's ridiculous to think about stopping the trips, it's wonderful that she has this connection with her Grandmother and probably a way of holding on to her connection with her mother as well.

Coucous · 28/10/2022 09:14

louisart · 27/10/2022 19:05

@MeridianB It wasn't really a punishment for her snooping. Maybe that was a mistake, but a punishment didn't feel warranted for it at the time. We did lecture her on respecting people's privacy and boundaries. We made it clear to both the girls if they want to enter each others rooms they have to be invited. As far as I know there hasn't been another incident since.

That's a bit harsh. They are children - why do they need to lock their rooms and to be invited all the time? I understand if they need space sometimes.

I like that you are not treating them differently - that's important. I hope you can find a happy medium. Perhaps one of you does overtime and takes her some where for 2 days. It doesn't have to be grand but can be something small.

JustLyra · 28/10/2022 09:58

Coucous · 28/10/2022 09:14

That's a bit harsh. They are children - why do they need to lock their rooms and to be invited all the time? I understand if they need space sometimes.

I like that you are not treating them differently - that's important. I hope you can find a happy medium. Perhaps one of you does overtime and takes her some where for 2 days. It doesn't have to be grand but can be something small.

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Why would they not have to wait to be invited into the others bedroom? They’re teenagers - both well able enough to understand that of you want to go into someone’s private space you ask, not just barge into.

coconutpie · 28/10/2022 10:15

There are so many red flags all over your post. I honestly don't know how you can stay married to your wife after she suggested that the trips should stop. Your wife and her daughter are behaving like the wicked stepmother and stepsister from Cinderella.

It's interesting that you say you've known your wife a long time but she has only now made these trips with your late wife's mother an issue once she has sunk her greedy claws into you. Presumably she knew about them prior to marrying you.

I would be very careful if you choose to stay married to her after this as it is clear that she thinks your DD is bottom of the pile. If anything were to happen to you, your DD would be turfed out of the home with nothing. You need to ensure you have a will written up to protect your DD and also to protect her inheritance.

What happens when your DD's GM passes away and your DD inherits from her? Will your wife be demanding she give half of it to her daughter?

I'm honestly appalled by your wife's actions. I think it's disgusting and I really think this is one of those things were you should be reconsidering the marriage. You married her only this year and now she wants to punish your DD because her DD doesn't get to go on these trips. Your wife has done a very good job of hiding her true colours up until now (unless you ignored previous red flags). You need to put your DD first.

Schnooze · 28/10/2022 10:16

Of course you shouldn’t stop it. That would just be cruel to your dd and mil. This is all they have left of their mother/daughter. It will mean the world to them both.

You can try to even things up on the present front by treating dsd to a new item or two yourselves, but remember the presents from her paternal side too.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 28/10/2022 10:25

Iris is 16 she gets to make her own choices to continue her relationship with her grandmother, your wife needs to parent her child and not force her lack of parenting skills onto her stepdaughters family.

Conkersareback · 28/10/2022 10:42

BaffledShopper · 27/10/2022 16:30

YANBU but your mother-in-law is. She should take both girls on the trips in future.

Why?

RedHelenB · 28/10/2022 10:59

Schnooze · 28/10/2022 10:16

Of course you shouldn’t stop it. That would just be cruel to your dd and mil. This is all they have left of their mother/daughter. It will mean the world to them both.

You can try to even things up on the present front by treating dsd to a new item or two yourselves, but remember the presents from her paternal side too.

And make your dd executor as soon as she turns 18 It s worrying that you don't see how " wicked stepmother " territory this is.

clpsmum · 28/10/2022 11:17

BaffledShopper · 27/10/2022 16:30

YANBU but your mother-in-law is. She should take both girls on the trips in future.

Why should she rose is no reaction to her.

You are not being u reasonable at all. Tough shit rose life isn't always fair. Rose had her mum iris doesnt a couple of trips is hardly consolation for that

Razu45 · 28/10/2022 11:19

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PunchDrunkTurtle · 28/10/2022 11:26

Rosscameasdoody · 27/10/2022 23:20

No it’s not. The OP is entitled to a life. Bereavement is a lonely awful experience and if he has found happiness with his new wife no one has the right to judge. What does need to be addressed is the immediate situation - his wife needs to know that the trips with MIL are none of her business, not up for discussion, and she needs to explain to her daughter that there is no reason to be jealous. No one has the right to criticise anyone for finding happiness after bereavement unless they have been through it themselves and know exactly what it means. I stand by what I said - an awful post from someone who clearly has no clue what the OP has been through.

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Worse is said on here to women with daughter's the OP's age about new boyfriends after a divorce.

The fact that he is bereaved doesn't mean his daughter should be afforded even less consideration. She is also bereaved. And she can't meet a new mother as he has a new wife. She has no other parent to go to though in this situation.

WifeMotherWorker · 28/10/2022 11:51

coconutpie · 28/10/2022 10:15

There are so many red flags all over your post. I honestly don't know how you can stay married to your wife after she suggested that the trips should stop. Your wife and her daughter are behaving like the wicked stepmother and stepsister from Cinderella.

It's interesting that you say you've known your wife a long time but she has only now made these trips with your late wife's mother an issue once she has sunk her greedy claws into you. Presumably she knew about them prior to marrying you.

I would be very careful if you choose to stay married to her after this as it is clear that she thinks your DD is bottom of the pile. If anything were to happen to you, your DD would be turfed out of the home with nothing. You need to ensure you have a will written up to protect your DD and also to protect her inheritance.

What happens when your DD's GM passes away and your DD inherits from her? Will your wife be demanding she give half of it to her daughter?

I'm honestly appalled by your wife's actions. I think it's disgusting and I really think this is one of those things were you should be reconsidering the marriage. You married her only this year and now she wants to punish your DD because her DD doesn't get to go on these trips. Your wife has done a very good job of hiding her true colours up until now (unless you ignored previous red flags). You need to put your DD first.

100% agree with this comment.

Perfectly put @coconutpie

BruceAndNosh · 28/10/2022 11:53

BaffledShopper · 27/10/2022 21:09

I see everyone is jumping on the "evil stepmother" podium… and of course none of us ever snooped in our big sisters' bedrooms so that must be harshly punished as well.

This has got bugger-all to do with Rose and her grandmother maintaining their bond. (Why does that necessarily require extravagant holidays?) (It doesn't!) It's about an adult swooping in on a family with two children and singling just one of those children out for holidays and extended shopping sprees. I still think Grandma should examine her intentions here. The intention of all parties should surely be to foster a good relationship between Rose and Iris that will sustain in the future.

Neither of the children are at fault but perhaps the older one could be a little more sensitive about flaunting her gifts, or share them with her non-sister. Just to be nice.

The OP and their second wife have taken the decision to blend their families.
This does not mean that the extended family have to see the blend in the same way. Rose is not automatically the step grandchild of Iris's grandmother. Grandmother did not have any say in Rose becoming the stepdaughter of her son in law. She should not be expected to treat Rose as her granddaughter.

Also the OP clarified that GM pays for Iris's trips, they do not come out of the blended family budget.