Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not stop my daughter's trips with her grandmother?

520 replies

louisart · 27/10/2022 16:28

I remarried earlier this year. My wife and I each had daughters from previous relationships. Her daughter (Rose) is 13 and my daughter (Iris) is 16. Until recently we have all gotten along well and I think we’ve done a good job blending our families. Aside from small age related things we treat the girls the same.

The issue my wife and Rose have is that Iris has a grandmother (my late wife’s mum) who takes her on biannual trips. These trips are something they have been doing for years ever since Iris was a little girl. It was also a bonding thing for my mil and her daughter as well. The three of them used to have such a great time together. I think it’s great that they have continued doing these trips together all these years. Especially since her grandmother lives far away so they do not see each other regularly.

Rose however was very jealous after Iris came back from their trip this summer (their first trip since I remarried). Even more so when she saw the new stuff Iris had gotten (they do a little shopping when they travel). She had snuck into Iris’s room and snooped. Iris and her grandmother were also very kind to bring back a gift for me, my wife, and Rose. Rose still thought it was unfair because she only got one thing while Iris got several things.

They’ve started planning their winter trip and its really made things tense in our household. Iris had asked me and my wife what our plans were for winter break so she could figure out dates with her grandmother. Rose however overheard the conversation and now she’s mad that Iris is going on another trip.

Unfortunately my wife and I cannot afford to take Rose on a similar trip right now. I thought that we could try saving up to go someplace special in a few years, but my wife thinks that I should tell Iris and her grandmother that they cannot go on their trips at all anymore in the mean time. I feel like it’s unfair to stop these trips when she enjoys and looks forward to them so much and that stopping the trips will only cause her to resent Rose. She however said it’s unfair to Rose to continue them and that stopping them is the only way we can keep peace in our household and keep the girls feeling like they are equals. I think it unreasonable to expect them to be treated equally by each others non mutual family members and that the important thing is that we teat them equally.

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 27/10/2022 21:55

I shared a house one time with another single mother. Her boy was six and my dd was four. They were always trying to argue that it was unfair if one mother allowed her child something that the other mother didn't. Kids are like that but it is totally wrong to think that the step-sister can muscle in on the older girl's relationship with her grandmother. If the grandmother gave the granddaughter gruel and a beating, the step-sister wouldn't be insisting so much on sharing

Crumpleton · 27/10/2022 22:03

BaffledShopper · 27/10/2022 16:30

YANBU but your mother-in-law is. She should take both girls on the trips in future.

Seriously!...Give your head a wobble.
The woman has lost a daughter, and Iris has lost her mother.
They're entitled to spend some quality time together, which by the sound of it they've been doing long before Rosie came along.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/10/2022 22:06

I think you need to make things very, very clear to your DW that what Rose's DGM does for her is nothing to do with Iris and never will be.

If later on DGM is in a position to help Rose financially with Uni fees, wedding costs, or a house downpayment, is your DW going to expect that Iris be given an equal sum or that you should refuse the money if she won't? Or that any future inheritance be split between the two girls? If Iris receives financial help or an inheritance from one of her relatives would DW still feel that Rose should be 'made equal' financially? It would be easy for her to say 'certainly' right now, but if it became a reality, I doubt it.

And Mesdames Iris and DW need to realize how lucky they are simply to have each other and that Rose and her grandmother would gladly and joyfully give up those trips if it meant having their mother/daughter back.

JudgeJ · 27/10/2022 22:07

Backtoblack1 · 27/10/2022 19:14

Rose is being a brat. Your daughter deserves to spend time with her grandmother. The poor girl has lost her mother.

It's not just a beneficial relationship for your daughter, having lost her mother, it's also probably beneficial to her grandmother who has lost her daughter She probably considers your daughter to be all she has left of her own daughter,

bridgetreilly · 27/10/2022 22:09

It should not be impossible to explain to a 13yo girl why someone who is not her grandmother doesn’t take her on holiday. Or that although her stepsister gets some cool shopping, she has lost her mother, so you know, life’s not fair.

parsniiips · 27/10/2022 22:14

Your daughter and her grandmother should continue to enjoy their trips, there is nothing wrong with it at all.

Your wife's daughter needs to get used to this and understand it isn't a slight against her it's just that they have close bond and have every right to do what they have always done long before she became part of the family.

RedHelenB · 27/10/2022 22:14

BaffledShopper · 27/10/2022 17:16

OP do you agree that (as most pp are claiming) your step-daughter and your daughter are not sisters?

And do you agree that we should only be kind and generous to family members who we are related to by blood?

If not, then i think your former MIL is being (perhaps unintentionally) unkind to the younger girl with these extravagant trips. Your family has changed now and perhaps she needs to take that into account.

It's unprincipled to single out one member of a community (in this case the 'community' is a family) for special treatment. As we can see it creates resentment drives a wedge into that community.

These two are going to be sisters (or whatever you want to call them) long after grandma is gone (and mum and dad also for that matter).

Not if op and new wife split up they won't.

SidTwaddell · 27/10/2022 22:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

FairlyIncognito · 27/10/2022 22:17

I haven’t read the whole thread but maybe ask your wife if she’d feel it an important trip if it were the other way round and she couldn’t be there for her own dd. I can understand the stress but it doesn’t take much imagination to see why it’s important and I would think it’s a simple case of reminding other dd it’s not easy losing a mum and the trip is an important part of keeping that maternal connection - plus a good chance to teach a valuable thing that comparing or jealousy is unhealthy and the thief of joy as I tell my dc. And doesn’t make your other dd any less loved , maybe just remind her of this.

JustLyra · 27/10/2022 22:20

GloriaSicTransitMundi · 27/10/2022 21:53

Oh come on, the wife is just trying to look out for her daughter, we don't know anything about her apart from this situation so no need for such a harsh judgement.

Show quote history

She’s not doing her daughter any favours.

And she is being a horrible person. It’s understandable that a 13 year old may throw a wobbly at missing out, however the OP’s wife is an adult. Her declaration that her step-daughter should be forced to stop trips she’s taken for many years is judgement worthy.

Part of being a parent is teaching your kids that they might not always like things, but that doesn’t make them wrong or unfair.

CustardySergeant · 27/10/2022 22:21

AcrossthePond55 You have the daughters' names mixed up. Iris is the 16 year old whose mother has died and goes on trips with her grandmother and Rose is the OP's jealous 13 year old stepdaughter.

Daisyrose21 · 27/10/2022 22:25

Being someone a lot older than your daughter with a difficult “step mum” relationship, I can’t tell you the world of damage that you’re doing by even considering this. This whole scenario gives me chills. What horrible people for even thinking this is ok to suggest this. And yes, reprimand your step child for invading your daughters privacy. Jesus that poor child and grandmother

billy1966 · 27/10/2022 22:27

MacarenaMacarena · 27/10/2022 20:39

I'd also be careful about finances and your will... Please ensure that your daughter is protected in case you die. Sounds like your wife wouldn't be very bothered about her...

This.

Do not expect someone like that to do the right thing.

You need to nail down a will firmly, asap.

Spudina · 27/10/2022 22:30

As someone that lost their Mum as a teen.... please don’t stop the trips. Your daughter needs this in her life and stopping them would be cruel. Life has already been cruel to your daughter. She needs you to advocate for her.

Queenofheart · 27/10/2022 22:32

BaffledShopper · 27/10/2022 16:30

YANBU but your mother-in-law is. She should take both girls on the trips in future.

100% No

Ellie1015 · 27/10/2022 22:35

Yanbu. Hopefully your wife sees semse when you talk.

I am not surprised 13 year old is jealous, she is 13 they are unreasonable and this is when they learn. I am shocked that your wife thinks ending your dds relationship with her grandmother rather than parenting her child is the solution. Maybe she was clutching at straws and doesn't mean it. If not it would really change my opinion of her.

Solonge · 27/10/2022 22:37

louisart · 27/10/2022 16:28

I remarried earlier this year. My wife and I each had daughters from previous relationships. Her daughter (Rose) is 13 and my daughter (Iris) is 16. Until recently we have all gotten along well and I think we’ve done a good job blending our families. Aside from small age related things we treat the girls the same.

The issue my wife and Rose have is that Iris has a grandmother (my late wife’s mum) who takes her on biannual trips. These trips are something they have been doing for years ever since Iris was a little girl. It was also a bonding thing for my mil and her daughter as well. The three of them used to have such a great time together. I think it’s great that they have continued doing these trips together all these years. Especially since her grandmother lives far away so they do not see each other regularly.

Rose however was very jealous after Iris came back from their trip this summer (their first trip since I remarried). Even more so when she saw the new stuff Iris had gotten (they do a little shopping when they travel). She had snuck into Iris’s room and snooped. Iris and her grandmother were also very kind to bring back a gift for me, my wife, and Rose. Rose still thought it was unfair because she only got one thing while Iris got several things.

They’ve started planning their winter trip and its really made things tense in our household. Iris had asked me and my wife what our plans were for winter break so she could figure out dates with her grandmother. Rose however overheard the conversation and now she’s mad that Iris is going on another trip.

Unfortunately my wife and I cannot afford to take Rose on a similar trip right now. I thought that we could try saving up to go someplace special in a few years, but my wife thinks that I should tell Iris and her grandmother that they cannot go on their trips at all anymore in the mean time. I feel like it’s unfair to stop these trips when she enjoys and looks forward to them so much and that stopping the trips will only cause her to resent Rose. She however said it’s unfair to Rose to continue them and that stopping them is the only way we can keep peace in our household and keep the girls feeling like they are equals. I think it unreasonable to expect them to be treated equally by each others non mutual family members and that the important thing is that we teat them equally.

You are insane for even considering stopping the trips. Do not!!!!! your daughter and her grandmother dont get to see eachother often....I am a grandmother and if I were in this position and you stopped the trips I would never forgive you. Your daughter has a grandmother....she isnt your step daughters grandmother. Please dont spoil the relationship your daughter and her granny have. Your stepdaughter needs to stop snooping, stop being jealous and frankly your wife needs to think about things a bit more and not pander to her daughter.

billy1966 · 27/10/2022 22:39

Daisyrose21 · 27/10/2022 22:25

Being someone a lot older than your daughter with a difficult “step mum” relationship, I can’t tell you the world of damage that you’re doing by even considering this. This whole scenario gives me chills. What horrible people for even thinking this is ok to suggest this. And yes, reprimand your step child for invading your daughters privacy. Jesus that poor child and grandmother

Undoubtedly.

She will be out the door as soon as she can, no doubt to the delight of this woman her father has married.

I hope her grandmother lives a long life, so she has one adult she can rely on.

This is a remarkably similar story to my dearest friends experience.

Her mother had been a successful small business owner and her sudden death was a terrible blow.

Her father remarried within two years and when he too died 7 years later, his new wife and her two children inherited the lovely family home and the proceeds of the business.
This was 39 years ago.
Her SM quickly asked her to leave HER family home and she moved in with her boyfriends family.

She has never forgiven her father his stupidity and betrayal, and she knows her mother must have turned in her grave.

Her last words to him was to mind my friend.
What a fool, taken in by a right piece of work within months, his ego massaged.🙄

Rupertgrintismyguiltypleasure · 27/10/2022 22:40

No, she’s not obliged to take a child who’s not related to her on a trip. It’s jealousy at its finest. Why should she, it’s something she has been doing with her granddaughter and daughter..
the fact the mum has even said this is unbelievable. Imagine not telling your kid no because she’s being jealous. Parents like this really get on my nerves.

Crumpleton · 27/10/2022 22:40

@BaffledShopper
What makes you think they're extrtrios?
I've read and reread OP's posts and nowhere can I see he states they're extravagant trips.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2022 22:40

I can't even bear to think about how devastated your former MIL would be if you prevented your daughter from travelling with her. This woman has lost her daughter, and your wife thinks it's reasonable to take her granddaughter away from her. It's fucking unbelievable.

Crumpleton · 27/10/2022 22:41

Opps....extrtrios??
Extravagant...

Crumpleton · 27/10/2022 22:46

Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2022 22:40

I can't even bear to think about how devastated your former MIL would be if you prevented your daughter from travelling with her. This woman has lost her daughter, and your wife thinks it's reasonable to take her granddaughter away from her. It's fucking unbelievable.

Maybe the wife should concentrate on building a relationship between Rosie and her grandparents instead of trying to ruin Iris's relationship with her Gran.

As these trips have been going on for years and OP has known his wife/SD for a long time I find it strange how nothing was said pre marriage.

Toadcatcher · 27/10/2022 22:46

Not even sure if you can legally stop her from going on a trip with her grandmother at 16 years of age. If she wanted to she could even move in with her grandmother.

America12 · 27/10/2022 22:48

BaffledShopper · 27/10/2022 16:30

YANBU but your mother-in-law is. She should take both girls on the trips in future.

Why would she take a child that's not related ? Don't ban the trips OP