AIBU to not stop my daughter's trips with her grandmother?

[louisart]

I remarried earlier this year. My wife and I each had daughters from previous relationships. Her daughter (Rose) is 13 and my daughter (Iris) is 16. Until recently we have all gotten along well and I think we’ve done a good job blending our families. Aside from small age related things we treat the girls the same.

The issue my wife and Rose have is that Iris has a grandmother (my late wife’s mum) who takes her on biannual trips. These trips are something they have been doing for years ever since Iris was a little girl. It was also a bonding thing for my mil and her daughter as well. The three of them used to have such a great time together. I think it’s great that they have continued doing these trips together all these years. Especially since her grandmother lives far away so they do not see each other regularly.

Rose however was very jealous after Iris came back from their trip this summer (their first trip since I remarried). Even more so when she saw the new stuff Iris had gotten (they do a little shopping when they travel). She had snuck into Iris’s room and snooped. Iris and her grandmother were also very kind to bring back a gift for me, my wife, and Rose. Rose still thought it was unfair because she only got one thing while Iris got several things.

They’ve started planning their winter trip and its really made things tense in our household. Iris had asked me and my wife what our plans were for winter break so she could figure out dates with her grandmother. Rose however overheard the conversation and now she’s mad that Iris is going on another trip.

Unfortunately my wife and I cannot afford to take Rose on a similar trip right now. I thought that we could try saving up to go someplace special in a few years, but my wife thinks that I should tell Iris and her grandmother that they cannot go on their trips at all anymore in the mean time. I feel like it’s unfair to stop these trips when she enjoys and looks forward to them so much and that stopping the trips will only cause her to resent Rose. She however said it’s unfair to Rose to continue them and that stopping them is the only way we can keep peace in our household and keep the girls feeling like they are equals. I think it unreasonable to expect them to be treated equally by each others non mutual family members and that the important thing is that we teat them equally.

As long as Rose knows she is lived, matters will settle down. Just make sure she has plenty of attention while Iris is away. Treats and fun games nights?

This is how I see it. If Iris's mother was alive, and OP and her were divorced, then I assume neither your new wife or her daughter would have an issue with Iris going on holiday with her own mother and grannie (a holiday wholly paid for by her mother's mother, and having no financial impact on the new blended family's finances). So, very sadly, Iris's mother is no longer alive, and Iris's grandmother has continued with a tradition in the absence of her dear late daughter. And the transition continues to have no financial impact on the blended family.

So the only impact it does have is one of petty jealousy. In a 13 year old, it is an unattractive feature, but understandable in one immature. The onus is on Rose's parents to parent her out of these feelings and teach her to understand that it is far more unfair on Iris to have lost her mother than to be receiving holidays. They need to make her see that it is no more unusual for Iris to spend this time with her grandmother than it is for Rose's grandfather to send her birthday money. That they are a blended family, but have very different relationships with their extended families, and this is perfectly normal and acceptable, even if it feels unfair.

OP's wife has no such excuse for her behaviour. Only the cruellest of people would resent these holidays when the child has lost something more precious than any holiday could ever replace. She must be a very poor mother indeed if she is unable to explain this to her own daughter. She must be an utterly unpleasant person if she shares her daughter's jealousy.

I'd be interested to know who earns the money in your blended family. Is Iris missing out because OP is financially supporting Rose and her mother? Are Rose and her mother better off since you married? Have they considered how this impacts Iris? Eg, does Iris miss out on holidays with her dad because it's now a holiday for 4 and not 2?

Her time with her grandmother is probably the only safe space she has to remember her beloved mum, now that you have foisted this woman and her child on her.

Why couldn't you have waited the couple of years until she was independent?

The selfishness of your decision is becoming clearer as this woman's facade slips, and her blatant disregard for your daughter seeps out.

Why should your Ex MIL consider your step daughter at all?

She is nothing to her.
She is the only stability your daughter has, now that you have brought this woman and her bratty child into her home.

Rifling through her room is disgraceful behaviour to have gone unpunished.

I just find it genuinely astounding that you could have so little loyalty to your late wife and the child you shared.

I bet your daughter and her long term well-being would have been in her final thoughts.

Unless you step up and protect your daughter, you can expect to be remembered with the same distain my friend remembers her foolish, selfish father, who put his needs ahead of his child.

@BitossiBlues that's a very good way of putting it.

Just the same if Rose's father/ grandfather decided to take her away for a few days. No obligation what so ever to take Iris.

I think a lot of the jealousy is steming from the financial side of it. Irises Granny is better off than Roses Dad.

@BaffledShopper

This has got bugger-all to do with Rose and her grandmother maintaining their bond. (Why does that necessarily require extravagant holidays?) (It doesn't!) It's about an adult swooping in on a family with two children and singling just one of those children out for holidays and extended shopping sprees. I still think Grandma should examine her intentions here. The intention of all parties should surely be to foster a good relationship between Rose and Iris that will sustain in the future.

Grandma did the trips and shopping sprees before the second wife came along and she's not swooping in She has every right to continue doing this with her Granddaughter.

Why would Grandma want to take a child she has no relationship with on a trip and spend loads of money on her? She probably barely knows her. It's such an entitled attitude and stepmum should tell her daughter, this is something Grandma does since Iris lost her mum.

I guarantee you that Iris would rather still have her mum, instead of all the trips and gifts.... and perhaps Rose should be told as much by her mum.

She's 16... if dad said she shouldn't go, that would only make her resent the stepsister and SM.

It's about an adult swooping in on a family with two children and singling just one of those children out for holidays and extended shopping sprees. I still think Grandma should examine her intentions here. The intention of all parties should surely be to foster a good relationship between Rose and Iris that will sustain in the future.

No she shouldn’t have to at all.
Iris’ maternal grandma is part of the family OP had with his late wife. She is nothing to do with Rose at all, in the same way she wouldn’t be anything to do with her if OP and his wife had just divorced.

If any grandparent should be treating them both the same it’s the grandparent on OP’s side, so Iris’s paternal grandparent. I think you’ve got a bit mixed up. But a completely unrelated person like Iris’ maternal grandma, no.

God what an awful post.

God what an awful post.

How is what that poster said awful? It’s the harsh truth!

Does just be nice apply to Rose too?

No it’s not. The OP is entitled to a life. Bereavement is a lonely awful experience and if he has found happiness with his new wife no one has the right to judge. What does need to be addressed is the immediate situation - his wife needs to know that the trips with MIL are none of her business, not up for discussion, and she needs to explain to her daughter that there is no reason to be jealous. No one has the right to criticise anyone for finding happiness after bereavement unless they have been through it themselves and know exactly what it means. I stand by what I said - an awful post from someone who clearly has no clue what the OP has been through.

Really? Where is the source for any of this?

I just find it genuinely astounding that you could have so little loyalty to your late wife and the child you shared.

I bet your daughter and her long term well-being would have been in her final thoughts.

Unless you step up and protect your daughter, you can expect to be remembered with the same distain my friend remembers her foolish, selfish father, who put his needs ahead of his child.

The OP is not the one wanting the trips to end. Quite the opposite. He posted here to get opinions and has taken on board the suggestions of what to say when he had the conversation with his wife.

He IS being loyal to his daughter and stepping up, and I'm not sure why that poster thinks he's putting his needs before his daughters. He had said absolutely nothing that implies that.

I admire so much how thoughtful you are.

What a tricky situation to be in. For me, you’re right that it would be unfair (and traumatic) to block Iris’s relationship with her grandmother.

It’s such a special relationship. My granny, when she was alive, rooted for everything I did. She was never cross with me. Her influence is still woven into my life in every possible way. If that had been taken away in any circumstance I would have lost such an important part of my sense of security.

I can’t see that there would be a healthy path forward for your blended family, if it is to properly include Iris, if she was forced to give up the love, safety and familiarity of her grandmother. Especially in the context of losing her mother. That’s assuming that she would accept you doing this to her at 16. It would break her trust in you, and it would be understandable if she felt betrayed and maybe even a little bit abandoned, if you didn’t stand up for her interests when they are fair and reasonable.

Rose is 13. She’s doing what 13 years olds do. She’s testing boundaries. Seeing what she can get away with. Treat her with respect and openness in discussing and explaining the continuing autonomy of Iris’s relationship with her grandmother. Perhaps some adjustment emotions are also surfacing. I doubt she expects Iris to be prevented from seeing her grandmother.

Im so sorry to say it, but my concern is with your wife. She should know better. She does know better. Her request is honestly quite cold towards Iris. It feels a little bit like she’s ganging up on Iris. Rose is a teenager taking a punt but your wife is kind of making it a mini pile on.

Its going to be an important marker how you respond and I think you need to be calmly in Iris’s corner. Otherwise she might become isolated.

You’ve got this! You’re doing great. It’s only natural that adjustment teething issues are bubbling up. That’s normal. And you can post here anytime and there will be so much support for you because you’re a good man doing your best for all of them.

Good luck with it in the meantime!

The silver lining in all of this is that Iris is 16 and can vote with her feet if the step mother and her daughter carry on in this vein. It would be so horrible if this scenario was happening to a younger child, unable to maintain her relationship with her (I assume) only blood relation to her late mother without her father's assistance. I hope her grannie will welcome her with open arms if this is necessary. It will be OP losing out, maybe causing a rift between them that will not heal, all because he did not stick up for his daughter's right to a separate relationship with her grandmother.

Agree and beautifully said.

Why on Earth would she do that? Why would she want to take her late daughter’s husband’s new wife’s daughter on holiday? They’re pretty much strangers.

Doesn’t Rose have grandparents who treat her?

I would tell your wife firmly that the trips will continue, Iris’ grandmother is the closest she’s got to a mother and these trips were happening long before jealous Rose appeared. They sound like wonderful trips and who knows how long they will continue? Rose and her mother sound petty and unreasonable.

Absolutely not. Rose is not her grandaughter and theyve done this together for years

Rose needs to grow

Wise words.

I’d also be prepared for some major upset if Iris’ granny dies and leaves her a bequest in her will.

going by the current upset, I can’t see that going down well with Rose or your wife

Of course it’s not fair. Your Dd has no mother not nice trips with her grandmother. So, they have a great bind. The other girl & stepmum have each other plus any maternal grandparents! Not everything In life is fair!

But nice trips and a great bond!

This poor lady has lost her daughter and now your wife wants her to lose her grandaughter too? Iris has lost her mother, Rose still has hers! I cant believe this is even being considered! Tell your wife and her spoilt daughter that its tough! Maybe you and wife could do something to keep Rose happy while Iris is spending time with her grandma

Tell Rose that she has a DM, your DD does not. To make everything completely fair Rose would have to stop seeing her DM.

Ridiculous idea…so is trying to stop your DD seeing her GM.

Error no 🙄.... why would she do that? ....definitely not....its not her GD and never will be

Your wife sounds like an absolute bitch

@BaffledShopper If both girls had been raised together from a very young age then yes you would expect equal treatment.

However this sounds like a new marriage and these trips have been going on for years. This should have been talked about before the marriage to say this happens and will carry on doing so. Now you just have to ride through the storm so to speak.