AIBU to not stop my daughter's trips with her grandmother?

[louisart]

I remarried earlier this year. My wife and I each had daughters from previous relationships. Her daughter (Rose) is 13 and my daughter (Iris) is 16. Until recently we have all gotten along well and I think we’ve done a good job blending our families. Aside from small age related things we treat the girls the same.

The issue my wife and Rose have is that Iris has a grandmother (my late wife’s mum) who takes her on biannual trips. These trips are something they have been doing for years ever since Iris was a little girl. It was also a bonding thing for my mil and her daughter as well. The three of them used to have such a great time together. I think it’s great that they have continued doing these trips together all these years. Especially since her grandmother lives far away so they do not see each other regularly.

Rose however was very jealous after Iris came back from their trip this summer (their first trip since I remarried). Even more so when she saw the new stuff Iris had gotten (they do a little shopping when they travel). She had snuck into Iris’s room and snooped. Iris and her grandmother were also very kind to bring back a gift for me, my wife, and Rose. Rose still thought it was unfair because she only got one thing while Iris got several things.

They’ve started planning their winter trip and its really made things tense in our household. Iris had asked me and my wife what our plans were for winter break so she could figure out dates with her grandmother. Rose however overheard the conversation and now she’s mad that Iris is going on another trip.

Unfortunately my wife and I cannot afford to take Rose on a similar trip right now. I thought that we could try saving up to go someplace special in a few years, but my wife thinks that I should tell Iris and her grandmother that they cannot go on their trips at all anymore in the mean time. I feel like it’s unfair to stop these trips when she enjoys and looks forward to them so much and that stopping the trips will only cause her to resent Rose. She however said it’s unfair to Rose to continue them and that stopping them is the only way we can keep peace in our household and keep the girls feeling like they are equals. I think it unreasonable to expect them to be treated equally by each others non mutual family members and that the important thing is that we teat them equally.

No way.if your late wife was alive and I not together it would be her taking your dd away.would your wife and rose expect this to stop.exactly.it’s batshit and all kinds of wrong for so many reasons to even entertain this.
at 16 I’d be livid with my dad for not stopping this at the point of it even starting to be a problem.and if kindly tell the other two to fuck off.
and I’m more angry with your wife for making this a discussion to be had.she needed to very quickly stop her dd.explain,have compassion yes but still explain the hard no.
shes a teen of course she might be jealous her gc don’t do this.like you might if a friend was doing the same.but when jealousy turns bitter,and thes snooping and causing more problems is when it become uncomfortable and really wrong.

you need to really reassure your dd here.let her no this won’t be disputed.let her no you have her back,so she can feel safe again. Cause I imagine she’s feeling pretty shitty right now they this is even being queried.

YANBU. I have relatives who lost their only child, who has one son. They are very close to their grandson and have taken him on annual holidays for years. Their grandson’s stepfather encourages their bond, and has explained to the stepbrother, who understands how important it is for the 3 of them. Everyone is trying their best here. I’m afraid Rose and her mother aren’t.

I was going to say the same as @kateandme if it was an ex wife taking the daughter on holiday there would be no expectation that the stepdaughter would also be invited, so why expect the maternal grandmother to take both girls

I agree. I realise blending families can be difficult for DC, but Rose’s behaviour is shocking. Is she tyrannical or hostile to Iris in other ways? That needs sorting out.

No you wouldn't! I would not expect my stepson family do anything with my daughter they are not related 🤣

Your poor daughter. This marriage of yours benefits her how? Your new wife does not care about Iris OP.

Make sure you protect Iris in your will. Otherwise should anything happen to you it's likely she will end up with nothing from you or your late wife and will booted out.

As others have said your wife is being unreasonable and it's wrong of your step daughter to go through her stuff or throw a tantrum because she doesn't get to go on the trip.

It's about your MIL and her GD.
Speak to your wife again and say this is their relationship and bond Im not going to stop her having these trips. We treat them equally at home but would she be requesting her relatives to treat your DD exactly the same? I very much doubt it!

Your wife sounds like she is projecting rather then dealing with her daughters tantum!

I also think the MIL isn't as such an ex due to there not being a divorce, so maybe her and OP are still on good terms to.
The new wife really does sound like she has as much a problem with the MIL as her daughter does.

Wtf, I've read all your comments, the GM didn't gain another grandchild. In blended families not everything is exactly the same. The holidays shouldn't stop and neither should they involve Rose. Rose should realise how lucky she is to have her mother.

@BaffledShopper do you think I should take my ex’s step children when I take my kids in holiday?

Well shit! Hopefully everyone has figured out my error and gets my meaning!

Excellent point

I think that at 13 Rose is old enough understand that Iris has a separate relationship with her GM, she is showing a shocking lack of empathy. Her mother seems to have poor parenting skills if she wants to give in to Rose's completely unreasonable demands that Iris lose something because she can't have it.

I'd worry that Rose may be being nasty to your daughter - who as the older girl may feel that she should suck it up, or be embarrassed, or doesn't want to tell you as she doesn't want to make you unhappy.

It's concerning too about Rose being so open about snooping in Iris' room - totally normal thing for a 13 year old to do of course - what's off is that she talked about what she found there, as she obviously, and correctly, figured that there would be no repercussions for her.

Did she think that she was going to be given some of Iris' things? or that you would buy her the same things? Or take them off Iris, as she expects with the holidays her GM takes her on?

Rose sounds like she's going to be a lot of hard work unless she gets some boundaries, and could definitely draw a wedge between Iris and you eg if she goes away for college will she go to your house at Christmas with a hostile step-sister and potentially hostile step-mother and a father she feels doesn't support her, or will she go to her GMs?

As a widow with two teenagers, I am shocked that you are even asking the question. You must surely realise how vital the relationship is between Iris and her grandmother. Was your new wife always this thoughtless and unpleasant or has she only made her feelings known since the wedding?

Iris’ grandmother is entitled to spend as much money on her as she wants and Rose should be grateful that they bring her anything at all and certainly not go snooping in your daughter’s room.

Cannot imagine the heartbreak that comes with out living your daughter and your beautiful bond with your granddaughter with quality time on holiday together being sabotaged by the new family that have replaced her.

How utterly disgraceful that a woman who is a mother herself would suggest such a thing.

Leave grieving grandmother and granddaughter to enjoy each others company regardless of whose nose it puts out of joint.

Are you sure your wife is the sort of person you want to be married too?!
Absolutely do not stop I'd trips with her grandmother. Rose is just going to have to gether head around that it isn't her grandmother and the trips are very important to I after the loss of her mother. She certainly shouldn't be snooping in her room, is anything being done to deal with Rose's behaviour. Perhaps a lock on I'd door, if they/ you are all going to be staying...

How can you even be asking this question, you should be considering the marriage. Reminds me of one of those fairytales where the mother dies and you get a wicked stepmother. Prioritise your child, she has been through enough. She'll resent you and be off to live with her grandmother soon if you don't sort this out.

Roses mum should have told rose to pull her head in and grow up- that iris would trade a hundred holidays for having her mum back and it is very childish and selfish for her to be upset about it and she’s disappointed in her. Seriously.

Iris should not stop her vacation time with her Grandmother. It is a tradition in your family and Rose needs to understand that.

@louisart You have a wife problem.

Do not disrupt or disturb the nurturing bond between Iris & her grandmother.

Rose is trying it on, looking to find & assert her place in the new blended family structure & she needs to understand that she is no longer the absolutely only child of before. That she is now in a new family as are you all & you each bring family traditions with you & that is respected, & together as a new family you will create new traditions,

So Iris’s time & trips with her lovely grandmother are not up for negotiation.

Despite being considered & brought a present, Rose went ‘snooping’ through Iris’s things to find out about gifts from Iris’s grandmother, & used this to nurture her grievance. Pretty mean, but in mitigation the child is 13 yo & finding her way.

This is why I say that you have a wife problem, because Rose’s poor behaviours should have been nipped in the bud, the fundamental issues resolved & the scenario reframed so that Rose behaves better & Iris is left in peace. You are only just her stepfather & not in a position to reprimand & coach better behaviours, this is for her mother to do. Your wife’s solution is not encouraging, her default seems to be a race to the bottom rather than establishing healthy relationships.

As pps have pointed out, treating people equally does not mean treating them the same. This is the basis of fairness.

You & your wife need to discuss what your expectations each are as step parents & as parents of teenage girls. If you have radically different ideas & expectations, this may place considerable strain upon your relationship. Teen years can be tough on the best of relationships.

This, from @thing47

I'd be ashamed to behave like your new wife. She comes across not unlike Cinderella's wicked stepmother I'm afraid. She should be teaching her own daughter how to accept gracefully that life will never be fair rather than that she can be a jealous, snoopy, entitled brat and get rewarded for it.

I also agree with other posters - get your daughter's door a yale lock so that there's no more snooping.

(Can you tell that I'm sitting with steam coming out my ears on your daughter's behalf?)😡

The trips should continue.

Ask Rose if she would trade her mother for the trips?

Iris has lost her mother and you are suggesting she doesn't have a trip with her grandmother, that is cruel.

What is also cruel is wanting a mother who outlived her daughter to not have trips with her grandaughter.

You should make the time you have Rose on her own special, you don't need to take her on a trip to do that.

You can do things that are not as expensive, let Rose pick her favorite food / take away. Go to the cinema / theatre OK that can be quite expensive but there are other things.

Of course she shouldn’t have to take the other girl. What nonsense.

@BaffledShopper - Why on earth is the grandmother at fault when she is simply taking her granddaughter on a trip and has been SINCE THE CHILD WAS LITTLE! In addition to that, the grandmother's daughter is died!
Do you get that the child's mother is DEAD? Why on earth should the grandmother stop her sacred moments with her granddaughter because Rose is jealous? Rose has her own grandparents AND HER MOM IS ALIVE! Rose hasn't lost ANYTHING! It isn't Iris's fault that Rose doesn't have the same type of relationship Iris has with her grandmother and it isn't Iris's fault that her mother is dead! You want to rob a child who lost her mother from the one conduit to her dead mother? Get out of here!

@louisart, please don't let your wife snatch Iris's happiness! Her mother is dead! What kind of woman would ask you to do this? Your new wife needs to be divorced! You don't treat a child who has lost her mother like your wife wants to treat Iris! Iris doesn't have her mother. Her grandmother is a conduit to her grandmother AND her mother! Don't allow the evil stepmother to take that away from her because her own daughter hasn't been raised well! Rose has to learn that everything doesn't revolve around her! Iris had a life before her and it doesn't involve her. Instead of worrying about Iris's grandmother, your wife needs to go to HER mother and Rose's FATHER'S MOTHER and work to strengthen those bonds for Rose! Iris isn't at fault and she shouldn't lose any more than she already has! She already has lost her mother. Also, please get a life insurance policy JUST for Iris AND please make sure Iris has provisions in case something happens to you because you are getting a glimpse of how your wife will treat your daughter if something happens to you! She will NOT keep Iris's best interest at the forefront of her mind! She will focus on herself!

You can afford a trip in a few years. The wife wants the trips to stop in the meantime. If Iris is nearly 17 she could be 18 in just over a year. If your wife thinks she should not go on the holidays then is she thinking she can ban an adult woman from going on holiday? I worked abroad for the summer at 16 and if my parents tried to stop me I would have ignored them and taken myself to the airport on public transport. Tell your wife to phone up the grandmother and tell her she can't take her almost adult or young adult Grandaughter on holiday for the next three years or four years. Tell her to tell the grandmother what punishment she will give Iris if Iris ignores her. That might be a very interesting conversation and give her a different perspective on her demand.