Mothers of boys -some of you are not helping

[iamjustwinginglife]

I'm sure there are numerous mums to boys who don't treat their sons like little princes and ensure they help out around the house however I'm not sure some mums are helping their boys to grow up in to decent men...and this is why we find Mumsnet full of posts about useless husbands who don't pull their weight at home.

Last night, I had a car full of teenagers all 17 (2 x boys, 2 x girls) and one of the boy's parents had come back from holiday. "It's nice to have them back, I won't need to clean up after myself anymore." Now, they're all good kids, it was just chatter-so I suggested that he carried on cleaning up after himself even though they were back. His reply was "mum likes looking after me, she says it's her job as a mum to make sure she looks after me and gives me everything I want." My child thought that sounded like a great idea-and I bit my tongue to not point out that some mums (me!!) were driving round the countryside at 1am.

This mum works part-time, the children are 17 and 20 and she's obviously got the time to do it but AIBU to think that allowing children to true up thinking they'll be waited in hand and foot isn't really helping them in future life.

@iamjustwinginglife Do you know how ridiculous you sound? You’re taking the piss out of women who do things for their sons yet you’re driving YOUR son and his MATES around at 1am 🙄🙄 My mum never used to collect me from nights out and I started going out when I was 16. The clubs were in the dodgiest area of our town. We’d either walk together, get a taxi or occasionally I walked home alone. I wouldn’t have dreamt of phoning my mum for a lift. Honestly…

My mil brought her boys up to help in the garden and other ‘boy things’.
Fortunately her 2 sons both choose to do their share of housework.

It may help if men are not brought up entitled but an intelligent and caring man should surely know to clean up after himself without being told.

Yeah ‘cause no mums of adult daughters are still doing their washing, helping around the house or minding the grandchildren… oh wait!

Give over.

I'm more likely to asked DS than DDs especially DD1. DD1 can and will say no and make a real hash of it so as to disincline further requests.

DH can and does parent and do household tasks - despite IL shock and often disapproval - I tend to expect it as my own Dad was hands on parent - though housework was harder as DMum did tend to hoard tasks and then act as martyr - so she'd be upset no-one did things and then upset when they did.

Calling bs on this OP. Its just as much if not moreso on the father to step up and be an involved parent and a hands on, respectful member of the household who does his part and actively takes care of his loved ones. I think there's nothing wrong with showering your kids with love, care and affection while still teaching them to be independent but that means very little if dad's at the pub doing what he wants. It reinforces to boys that they can serve their own purposes with no consequences and reinforces to girls that that's a normal healthy partnership where the woman takes on the lions share of workload because of purposeful incompetence by the father. I don't think there's anything wrong with mums wanting to look after their children as long as they know their kids can do stuff for themselves when they need to.

@GreyElephantsWearingYellowPyjamas as I said in an earlier post, the one thing I will always do for my DC’s is get them home safely.

Where we live, there are no Ubers or buses and taxis don’t like coming out to the villages. DS phoned me last week to rescue them from a party where people had turned up with knives. DS and his friends ran off and called me. None of the other boys felt they could call home. I’d rather go and pick them up and get them home safe than them walk home and get stabbed!

I think that most of the "being vocal" is about you stating "mothers" not parents, thereby showing that you exclude your DH from having to parent effectively, very very telling!

On a thread the other day where someone was complaining they couldnt keep on top of their housework, the amount of posters who piped up with 'Can your mum come and help do a deep clean' I mean wtf. she was married with kids. if anyone should be helping it should have been her DH.

It was a flippant remark by a teenage boy trying to impress his mates and give the impression he can do as he pleases. The reality is probably very different!

Coorrr OP I think you've touched a nerve with some of the mums on here 😂

One teen boy makes a comment and you feel justified in criticising parents of all teen boys?

No just the mothers!

I’ve got 2 boys almost 14 and 16 and they definitely put a shift in with housework. I work full time, I’m nearly 50 and permanently knackered and I’m no one’s skivvy.

I don't think the op is wrong, necessarily.

There are lots of people who don't raise their children to be lazy and entitled, but there are also lots of threads started by parents who seem stuck how to handle children of any age because they're seemingly averse to any sort of discipline.

I see lots of posts where people claim teenagers should be excused bad behaviour because their brains haven't fully developed yet - as if that means they're incapable of individual thought or empathy for others.

As other pp have pointed out, some parents love doing everything for their children even into adulthood. It makes them feel needed and it's an expression of love. Because their children are essentially good people, they don't see it as an issue but then they're not the ones who have to date them.

It doesn't just apply to boys - girls are often equally spoiled, but as an woman-centered site where many relationship issues discussed her focus on power imbalance, it makes sense that her opening post was about boys. And she didn't include a disclaimer!

Im at an age where my friends are settling down and starting families. I've both dated men and have male friends who's mother's have continued to attend to their every need well into adulthood. Even though these men are good partners and pull their weight, their mothers baby-ing of them still causes problems for their relationships. And each bloke knows they just have to smile or use a certain tone of voice for their mum to jump to do their washing/ironing/cleaning.

Funnily enough, when I meet girls and women who are like this having been spoiled, they're judged much more harshly than their male counterparts!

Not all men applies here, but enough men. And the op is right, if we want to foster permanent change in our sexist world we need to look at we raise our children. Most parents get it right I think, but it only needs some.

And there’s lots of mums not raising their daughters to be nice people too..
why is always boys and mums of boys blamed. Trust me there’s lots of very nasty teenage girls and women out there too. It’s just we have one rule for boys and another for girls.

Yes, of course by blaming women, ie mothers, OP is actually excusing men for not parenting correctly. Which is what she's blaming the mothers for.

I think you'll find loads of posts about unpleasant girls, particularly teenage ones. I don't think the parents of boys jump on those posts to point out how unfair it is that boys aren't mentioned too!

People don’t generally like the answer to this because it doesn’t fit in with the vaneer of modern society.
The answer is evolution of humans. We think we are so superior and far above our base instincts. But scrape away the thin coating and it’s still there for many.
Man physically stronger. Fight hunt kill protect provide.
Women physically weaker but give birth and produce milk. Nurture, teach, gather, socialise, emotional intelligence, raise and protect young.
Sadly as men are physically stronger historically they have dominated and that has meant that women became submissive. Works well for the continuation of the human race from an evolutionary point of view.
Sadly not from a human point of view as our brains grew and we developed a higher conscious level and intelligence to that of other mammals.
But still it’s all there underneath. Generally many men want to dominate. Some women want to nurture, raise kids and provide a comfortable home.
It’s why there is a constant clash all the time between men and women societally. Trying to pull away from millions of years of human evolution.
In modern times women deserve to be equal to men of course. I don’t want to be cooking and cleaning all the time. I certainly don’t expect my DH or sons to be doing nothing in the home. They should (and do) their fair share. But, dispite working hard for a career from school age onwards, I couldn’t escape the pull of motherhood, wanting to raise my babies myself and all that brings. Many other women have fell the same pull and been in this position - stuck between wanting to be equal and follow their career, and their heart, pulling them toward having a child and being the primary caregiver.
Modern living is just in total opposition to how we have evolved and lived for 99.9% of our existence.

Totally agree. Nothing more unattractive than an undomesticated man who can’t work a washing machine or cook basic meals. I’m old enough to know plenty of them in my generation. True equality is both mothers and fathers teaching our boys and girls how to look after themselves.

Its perfectly alright for women to choose to be homemakers if they can (and men), but your reasoning of evolution is overly simplistic and incorrect

"mum likes looking after me, she says it's her job as a mum to make sure she looks after me and gives me everything I want."

He said that. It does not mean he is telling the truth - but you jump straight in with believing him and blaming his mother, without thinking about the role Dads or society play in raising boys to be men.

@PurpleWisteria1

I dont think cave women (if thars what you mean by evolution) were running comfortable homes

I think its far more about socialisation than evolution

Its also possible to 'raise babies' and have a career.

Why the sarcasm? It's perfectly possible to nurture young people differently so they don't grow up with these expectations/assumptions.

I have come across this opinion that this is what being a mum is and that you should let them enjoy being young etc. it’s not just parents of boys though mums with girls also do this.

personally I haven’t got the time and it’s not what I see as my job. My job is to raise competent adults.

I know quite a number of men who are considered “useless” in one way or another, and women who are quick to blame them on other women. But I have never, ever heard a man blame another man’s mother/sister/daughter; it’s always laid straight at the man’s feet.