Mothers of boys -some of you are not helping

[iamjustwinginglife]

I'm sure there are numerous mums to boys who don't treat their sons like little princes and ensure they help out around the house however I'm not sure some mums are helping their boys to grow up in to decent men...and this is why we find Mumsnet full of posts about useless husbands who don't pull their weight at home.

Last night, I had a car full of teenagers all 17 (2 x boys, 2 x girls) and one of the boy's parents had come back from holiday. "It's nice to have them back, I won't need to clean up after myself anymore." Now, they're all good kids, it was just chatter-so I suggested that he carried on cleaning up after himself even though they were back. His reply was "mum likes looking after me, she says it's her job as a mum to make sure she looks after me and gives me everything I want." My child thought that sounded like a great idea-and I bit my tongue to not point out that some mums (me!!) were driving round the countryside at 1am.

This mum works part-time, the children are 17 and 20 and she's obviously got the time to do it but AIBU to think that allowing children to true up thinking they'll be waited in hand and foot isn't really helping them in future life.

The OP extrapolated from her experience of one mother to judge a wider group of 'mothers of boys'. Not all, it's true, but a definite group of 'some'. This is very clear from the title and first paragraph.
Do you have boys OP?

I've tried to get mine to help around the house, he just drops the broom, laughs and goes off... Probably doesn't help he hasn't quite mastered walking yet either.

Teenagers say all kinds of shit about their parents, not all of it is true, particularly when they are around their peers

Wtf he's two and not even putting the wash on?
Pull your mother pants up you're raising a slob.

Well I certainly didn’t rely on my mum to ferry me around at that time of the night that’s for sure at aged 17.

It's more the fact that OP bases it on one throwaway statement from one boy.
I can imagine me trying that at work -
"We need to completely redesign the BTEC Science course!"
"Why?"
"I passed a student in the corridor and heard them telling their friend it was boring!"

Rubbish.

They've got the rest of their adult lives to do the clearing up.

My parents didn't expect me to clean or do the washing and I don't expect my teenagers to.

I still went to university, cleaned my clothes, bought a flat, kept it clean and tidy and now look after my family quite adequately.

DH is more than capable if he isn't working.

I have a friend who makes her teenagers do chores every day even in the holidays which I think is pretty rotten.

I've not only got one example -just that one was the most recent that led to me posting. I didn't realise you wanted to hear every example I've got...wow, that could take a while!

Men - only ever expected to be responsible for their own behaviour.

Women - expected to be responsible for everyone's behaviour including that of men.

Instead of lecturing mothers of boys, why not lecture fathers of boys about ensuring they model equality by pulling their weight and not treating their partner like the hired help?

The most frequent issue I see is Dad’s shirking their responsibilities around the house and in child rearing, leaving all the shit for Mum to deal with. Then this is the expectations both boys and girls have of a couple…..and on it goes.

I think this is the biggest issue. Children of both genders can leave home pretty lazy and inept but most shape up when they have to move out and fend for themselves. But in long-term relationships when they're living with a partner, often gender norms observed in childhood will reassert themselves. I always find it interesting how many women talk about a fairly even split of domestic responsibilities pre-DC and then somehow it starts going very, very wrong during her maternity leave.

Dear OP why is it only MOTHERS of boys.

Anyway, my DH says he did nothing at home, and he's a lot more domesticated than I am. I don't see many fathers contributing 50% to the childcare, domestic drudge, & mental load. He does. Not that I actually ever know what people mean by "mental load" - it goes in the category of "life admin" for me.

Women can be just as lazy as men. But women tend to make themselves martyrs. And women are more fussy. I used to happily leave my ds with DH and I didn't care if he had odd socks or ate something different to normal. Not that it really happened, but the point is, it would not have mattered if it had. But mums on here will say their dads are useless and can't cope. No, they just don't have the same standards.

I am always surprised how many people think kids are completed moulded by their parents and do exactly what their parents want them to do. How many of you still do what mummy says. So why do you think my and other mums' sons do? They are their own people and will do what they want to do.

People come on here for advice, normally when something in their life is shit. of course there are going to be more posts on here complaining about men, no one comes on here to post how wonderful their husband is as there is no need!

So maybe your post should have been, "this boy's mum" not "all mums"

Especially as research shows that boys benefit from MEN who do their share of domestic chores etc. Sadly, the woman's impact is annoyingly low.

It is absolutely true that as a society, we need to send better messages to our children - boys and girls. Less stereotyped, less restrictive etc. But framing it as a "mums" issue is not only inaccurate but totally unhelpful.

And let me tell you - DH, who does PLENTY around the house, is the biggest problem with DS. Because I will ask DS to do something and DH will then tell him that he (DH) will do it instead.

Well no, however it would have been pertinent to mention it was one in a long line of examples (that definitely do exist). Otherwise posters might assume you're saying so now to try to save face.
Making a sweeping generalisation, based on one statement whilst not mentioning it was one of many, doesn't tend to go down well.

It's not just Mothers though!My husband has always did everything himself because he wanted a quiet life!
I was the parent who made the children tidy up and take responsibility for themselves as adults.

I have a son and whilst he is only 2, he helps loading the washing machine and hoovering lolc

yeah right. Come back when he's 22 and tell us how that's going.

I'm not convinced on the whole "chores for pocket money" scenario. I feel it should be "chores because we all live here and must all take responsibility" I don't get paid to clean and tidy...

FWIW my sons were very helpful around the house at 2yo/6yo/9yo and very capable when asked/directed through their teens. As adults they're more than capable of looking after themselves as needed, DS2 currently lives alone and everything is as it should be.

However, human nature is basically lazy and when they have girlfriends who fuss over them, they do sit back and let them do it. TBF I'd probably do the same.

I don't need congratulations on my super helpful husband, I've not trained him like a dog and his mother didn't either!

😂

You're being sexist yourself by placing all the responsibility of raising boys on to the mums!! What about the dads?!? Anyway, thanks for sharing your wisdom. I would never have thought of that myself 🙄.

Those of you with super helpful husbands-well done

The point is, he's super helpful because he's a nice person. Not because his mum made him do lots of chores. In fact she was a typical 1950s housewife, had four kids and didn't work outside the home while her kids were young (later she did volunteering and she worked before she had kids) and did everything at home.

Exactly. I have a male cousin who cooks, does his own washing while his sister just demands her mum do everything for her.

Me and my husband do all the cleaning and washing. My sons and daughter keep their rooms tidy but other than that we don’t get them to do chores. I didn’t do chores when I was a kid/adolescent and neither did my husband.

Guess what? We both keep our house nice and tidy.

Just raise your kids not to be dick heads and it all slots into place.

To those giving the OP grief for giving her DC’s a lift late at night.

I have teen DD and teen DS. They both have jobs around the house and DD is old enough to work.

The one thing I will always do for them is get them home safely after a night out. DS was at a party last week that got really out of hand. DS and his friends ran off and rang me to get them home. I will always, always be on call for a lift home rather than having them wander the street where they knew there was stupid kids running about with knives!

No one else felt like they could have called home for a lift and were dreading their parents finding out about the trouble at the party.