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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mothers of boys -some of you are not helping

334 replies

iamjustwinginglife · 27/10/2022 12:06

I'm sure there are numerous mums to boys who don't treat their sons like little princes and ensure they help out around the house however I'm not sure some mums are helping their boys to grow up in to decent men...and this is why we find Mumsnet full of posts about useless husbands who don't pull their weight at home.

Last night, I had a car full of teenagers all 17 (2 x boys, 2 x girls) and one of the boy's parents had come back from holiday. "It's nice to have them back, I won't need to clean up after myself anymore." Now, they're all good kids, it was just chatter-so I suggested that he carried on cleaning up after himself even though they were back. His reply was "mum likes looking after me, she says it's her job as a mum to make sure she looks after me and gives me everything I want." My child thought that sounded like a great idea-and I bit my tongue to not point out that some mums (me!!) were driving round the countryside at 1am.

This mum works part-time, the children are 17 and 20 and she's obviously got the time to do it but AIBU to think that allowing children to true up thinking they'll be waited in hand and foot isn't really helping them in future life.

OP posts:
Alibro79 · 27/10/2022 12:55

Obviously women's fault 🙄 😅 what isn't ultimately

itsgettingweird · 27/10/2022 12:57

Perhaps you're realise when you have a wider circle of teens to have conversations with this is equally noticeable for both girls and boys.

I'm the only friend in my group who has a boy.

He's the only one who's had chores and the most chores from a young age despite also being the only disabled kid.

My friends dd didn't even have to empty their own school bags - ever. 🤦‍♀️

Parents parent how they want. The days of it being gender specific seemed to have disappeared since the days of my ds being born IME.

Mumsgirls · 27/10/2022 12:57

In 1977 I stupidly married such a mummy’s boy. He thought I should work full time and do all the housework like his sham. Marriage had no chance and made it two two years. So sad some are still in that mode and unkind really.
Now my daughters are in equal relationships, with a fair split and share housework, childcare and finances fairly. Makes me so happy to see and a bit wistful that my first marriage should have been.

Oysterbabe · 27/10/2022 12:58

Yabu for blaming women for the poor behaviour of men. If their mummies treated them like the king of the world they still have a brain in their head and if they are prepared to watch their wife work herself into the ground while they have their feet up then it's on them.

FarmerRefuted · 27/10/2022 12:58

Goldbar · 27/10/2022 12:47

The most frequent issue I see is Dad’s shirking their responsibilities around the house and in child rearing, leaving all the shit for Mum to deal with. Then this is the expectations both boys and girls have of a couple…..and on it goes.

I think this is the biggest issue. Children of both genders can leave home pretty lazy and inept but most shape up when they have to move out and fend for themselves. But in long-term relationships when they're living with a partner, often gender norms observed in childhood will reassert themselves. I always find it interesting how many women talk about a fairly even split of domestic responsibilities pre-DC and then somehow it starts going very, very wrong during her maternity leave.

I find this interesting and it really resonates with me.

I grew up in a house where my mum did everything and my dad was a lazy arsehole. She cooked all of the meals, did all of the housework, all the cleaning, all the laundry, etc. And he wasn't even gracious about it, he saw it as his right to be waited on. I remember one afternoon my mum was sitting peacefully, reading, and my dad was all "I need a mug" and going on and on "quick! Quick! Can you get me a mug?" So my mum went to the kitchen, got a mug, came back, gave it to him, picked her book back up and he's sat there staring at his empty mug then he says "now could you get me a coffee to go in it?". He thought it was hilarious, meanwhile my mum was back and forth to the kitchen twice to get him his coffee (personally I'd have thrown the fucking coffee at him).

I made my mind up very early on that I would be no ones drudge and I would never wait hand and foot on anyone.

DH grew up in an abusive household where, from an early age, he was expected to be responsible for cooking, cleaning, looking after younger siblings. Woebetide him if it wasn't done, he wasn't even allowed to go to bed until everyone else had gone to bed just in case anyone needed anything doing or fetching or making. He was treated worse than a slave and I always feel so sad for the little boy he was.

Dh also grew up with his mind made up that he wouldn't be slaving around after anyone and that he wouldn't be solely responsible for absolutely everything.

The result is that we're both very mindful of carrying our equal share, sometimes to a fault, but the flip side of it is that when we first started loving together we both had an abhorrence of household tasks. It was like a rebellion of sorts where we both refused to do jobs just because we could refuse.

PollyAmour · 27/10/2022 13:00

Mothers of boys?

What about parents of children in general?

The sexism in your OP is irritating.

PurpleWisteria1 · 27/10/2022 13:00

So? What if the boys mum likes the role of homemaker and looking after him? What’s wrong with that? Some mums like to fuss over their kids and make sure they have everything they need. Maybe that’s why she works ‘part time’ so make space for that.
Some boys will be lazy. Some girls will be lazy. That might be because of parenting or not.
Whatever sex you are, look for a partner who has the same outlook at you and you both know where you stand with roles inside the home.
Some women like to run the house!

StillWeRise · 27/10/2022 13:01
  1. re the taxi ing- perhaps those giving OP grief live somewhere where there is excellent public transport/everywhere is walking distance?
  2. yes, it's fathers responsibility too- but (according to the boy) this mother actually said it was her 'job' to look after him and give him everything he wants. If that is true, she really is letting him down and any one who has the misfortune to share a living space with in the future.
Dotcheck · 27/10/2022 13:01

But on here, so many say that:
kids shouldn’t have chores

they shouldn’t have to have a part time job when studying

they shouldn’t help out with younger siblings

no one should expect help from anyone else.

It’s CF’ery if a friend/ family member asks for a favour, or requires a bit of kindness.

I think an unintentional consequence of this is that people seem to be getting more selfish

OoooohMatron · 27/10/2022 13:04

Stupid, patronising shit post. You do realise that girls can also be lazy and entitled don't you?

Topgub · 27/10/2022 13:10

How about parents of girls, you're not helping?!

You are modelling gender stereotypes that teach girls that childcare and housework are their responsibility even if they work.

You're teaching them that theh shouldn't want to work if they have kids. That their male ohs should do the money/career bit.

Stop it.

maddiemookins16mum · 27/10/2022 13:10

You’re not wrong Op, but you daren’t say it on here.
I strongly suspect there are a load of future lazy arsed men being raised by hundreds of parents on here already, they won’t admit it though.

Mary46 · 27/10/2022 13:10

Your right op I have a son too. They need to do a bit for themselves!!

FrancescaContini · 27/10/2022 13:11

Tut tut. We mums must stop slacking on the boy-rearing front.

TheOldLadyOfThreadneedleStreet · 27/10/2022 13:11

Well I like spoiling those I love, so I’ll just go on doing it thanks. My DCs can’t afford taxis, there are no buses, it’s too far to walk and would be dangerous besides, so I do turn out late at night to bring them home quite regularly. On the other hand, DS left for uni able to cook and clean, I’m with you OP on that!

Topgub · 27/10/2022 13:12

@PurpleWisteria1

Why do you think that is?

That some women want to run the house but men never do?

ABJ100 · 27/10/2022 13:15

KitchiHuritAngeni · 27/10/2022 12:20

Yep, useless men - totally the fault of women 👍

I would think it mostly is. Where did Mummy's boy come from?? Look at how many overbearing MiL complained about? It's hardly ever the FIL?

Original poster
iamjustwinginglife · 27/10/2022 13:15

maddiemookins16mum · 27/10/2022 13:10

You’re not wrong Op, but you daren’t say it on here.
I strongly suspect there are a load of future lazy arsed men being raised by hundreds of parents on here already, they won’t admit it though.

I think that's why they're being so vocal-I've obviously hit a nerve for some and for those who aren't raising their boys/girls like that, I'm not sure why they're commenting. I open by saying there will be numerous who don't-maybe they just want to raise their hands to say "I don't do that, how dare you suggest I do!"

OP posts:
ShouldIdo · 27/10/2022 13:16

@iamjustwinginglife what's your view on mothers who treat their daughters like princesses?

Iknowforsure1 · 27/10/2022 13:18

I don’t know what you mean and I have both DS and DD. Surely it’s about parenting both girls and boys? Also you don’t mention fathers at all. I wonder why.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/10/2022 13:18

Uber?

FFS try living in the countryside where there is NO bus service after 10pm. NO Uber and NO anything else!

Entitled little shits. It's entirely up to you if you want to be driving them around at 1am but seriously, why are you?

They are 17 and can learn to drive.

Original poster
iamjustwinginglife · 27/10/2022 13:19

TheOldLadyOfThreadneedleStreet · 27/10/2022 13:11

Well I like spoiling those I love, so I’ll just go on doing it thanks. My DCs can’t afford taxis, there are no buses, it’s too far to walk and would be dangerous besides, so I do turn out late at night to bring them home quite regularly. On the other hand, DS left for uni able to cook and clean, I’m with you OP on that!

I'm stunned how many people think it's ok for their children to go to uni (or other avenue when they leave home 🙄) without a clue of how to look after themselves. Yes, it's harder to teach them than do it for them but ultimately they need to be able to do it for themselves.

OP posts:
OoooohMatron · 27/10/2022 13:19

iamjustwinginglife · 27/10/2022 13:15

I think that's why they're being so vocal-I've obviously hit a nerve for some and for those who aren't raising their boys/girls like that, I'm not sure why they're commenting. I open by saying there will be numerous who don't-maybe they just want to raise their hands to say "I don't do that, how dare you suggest I do!"

Show quote history

The reason people are getting arsey is because you specifically said 'mums of boys', as though boys are a different species. It's sexist to be honest.

Original poster
iamjustwinginglife · 27/10/2022 13:19

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/10/2022 13:18

Uber?

FFS try living in the countryside where there is NO bus service after 10pm. NO Uber and NO anything else!

Entitled little shits. It's entirely up to you if you want to be driving them around at 1am but seriously, why are you?

They are 17 and can learn to drive.

They're all learning-just no-one has passed yet. They're only just 17.

OP posts:
Iknowforsure1 · 27/10/2022 13:19

Also talking about boys, surely it’s now better than ever, in the age where stereotypes are slowly erased. I mean… I don’t expect my DD to tidy up more than DS, does anyone around you is guilty of that? I don’t think I believe.

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