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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mothers of boys -some of you are not helping

334 replies

iamjustwinginglife · 27/10/2022 12:06

I'm sure there are numerous mums to boys who don't treat their sons like little princes and ensure they help out around the house however I'm not sure some mums are helping their boys to grow up in to decent men...and this is why we find Mumsnet full of posts about useless husbands who don't pull their weight at home.

Last night, I had a car full of teenagers all 17 (2 x boys, 2 x girls) and one of the boy's parents had come back from holiday. "It's nice to have them back, I won't need to clean up after myself anymore." Now, they're all good kids, it was just chatter-so I suggested that he carried on cleaning up after himself even though they were back. His reply was "mum likes looking after me, she says it's her job as a mum to make sure she looks after me and gives me everything I want." My child thought that sounded like a great idea-and I bit my tongue to not point out that some mums (me!!) were driving round the countryside at 1am.

This mum works part-time, the children are 17 and 20 and she's obviously got the time to do it but AIBU to think that allowing children to true up thinking they'll be waited in hand and foot isn't really helping them in future life.

OP posts:
Rainbowandbirdhouse · 27/10/2022 12:23

I agree you should have said 'parents of children' and not 'mothers of boys'. (It's in your title btw.)

It's not just a mother's responsibility to teach how to do housework.

Both girls and boys need to learn.

Do you have boys, OP? I feel mothers of boys are being 'othered' in some weird way here...

PotentiallyPolly · 27/10/2022 12:23

Why is this not also addressed to fathers of boys? There’s plenty of fathers that use this site and it’s not solely a mothers job to ensure their children learn how to clean up after themselves. Take your sexist shite back to the 1920s.

drawstringbags · 27/10/2022 12:24

While I understand what you are saying I do think we have to be careful in pushing others to live their lives in accordance to how we would personally wish society to be.
In this instance is it just that he was male, or would you be equally annoyed if a girl had said the same thing?
And while I agree that teens should be aware that they, as adults, should know how to take care of themselves and their home and shouldn't expect someone else to do it for them, it doesn't mean that whilst children, and living with their parents, they have to necessarily do a routine set number of tasks to achieve this goal.
It's a bit like getting pocket money or part time job. Some parents feel this is essential to manage finances when an adult, others don't agree.
I think teaching to be respectful and understanding of people's overall contribution to society, in all its different forms is also important whilst growing up.

PantyMcPantFace · 27/10/2022 12:25

KitchiHuritAngeni · 27/10/2022 12:20

Yep, useless men - totally the fault of women 👍

This!

Dacadactyl · 27/10/2022 12:26

drawstringbags · 27/10/2022 12:24

While I understand what you are saying I do think we have to be careful in pushing others to live their lives in accordance to how we would personally wish society to be.
In this instance is it just that he was male, or would you be equally annoyed if a girl had said the same thing?
And while I agree that teens should be aware that they, as adults, should know how to take care of themselves and their home and shouldn't expect someone else to do it for them, it doesn't mean that whilst children, and living with their parents, they have to necessarily do a routine set number of tasks to achieve this goal.
It's a bit like getting pocket money or part time job. Some parents feel this is essential to manage finances when an adult, others don't agree.
I think teaching to be respectful and understanding of people's overall contribution to society, in all its different forms is also important whilst growing up.

Well said.

NotMyselfWithoutCoffee · 27/10/2022 12:26

I'm sure this applies equally to all parents, I see some pretty spoilt little girls myself (and was one).
I'm the one that puts my feet up on the sofa while my dh cooks.. but of course we split chores differently as I'm a rubbish cook.
I have a little ds and I don't appreciate this mindset that he will become lazy when he grows up simply because of his gender.
We don't treat people differently because of gender in my house, there are no gendered roles. He will be shown how to cook and clean.. He will be expected to do a minimum of chores, as I would expect would if I had a daughter.

There are lazy women, I know a few.. this isn't because of gender it's because of poor parenting.

luckylavender · 27/10/2022 12:27

Pretty sexist post. No Dads? And you running around after 4 teenagers...

Simonjt · 27/10/2022 12:28

The majority of children have two parents, and the majority of those have a mum and a dad. If what he said is true, it is likely dad is lazy so son has a shit example of a dad, meaning mum has zero authority to get her son to clean, tidy etc after himself.

RebOrHon · 27/10/2022 12:28

Let's not forget the swipe at the little prince's DM - "she works part-time" and "obviously has the time to do it". You fail on sisterly solidarity there, OP! What do you know about her life or responsibilities? Maybe her part-time job is very demanding, maybe she has other tings in her life to deal with, maybe she's just 'living her best life". So judgemental about a woman you don't even know. Sheesh.

Bluevelvetsofa · 27/10/2022 12:29

The boy to whom the OP was talking, said that his mum likes to look after him. He didn’t say mum and dad. So it’s reasonable to assume that the mother is the one fussing over her almost adult child.

Of course it should be both parents, but everyone has piled on the OP for mentioning mothers when the boy did that too.

Dilbertian · 27/10/2022 12:30

Maybe it could be 'parents' of 'children', but all too often it is the boys who are looked after domestically and the girls who are expected to help.

When dh and I took ds1 to university, he was the last to move into the flat. The flatmates were all astounded that we helped him get all the bags into the flat, looked around, said "Hi" to them and then left him to unpack and settle in. We returned after a few hours to pick up the bags and say "Goodbye" to ds. Apparently we were the only parents to do that. All the others had helped their dc unpack. In the cases of the other two boys, their mums had done all the unpacking while the boys has socialised, later showing their boys where everything was.

Which of those young adults had been taught any independence, and which had been taught to be dependent upon a woman to do the domestic work? And which of the parents did the domestic work?

Stereotypes are often based upon reality.

Heckythump1 · 27/10/2022 12:30

Was chatting to some school Mums the other day (DD is in Year 2, so 6/7 year olds) was very interesting that the Mums who said they 'babied' their child, all had boys!

theworldhasgoneinsane · 27/10/2022 12:31

Whilst I agree here, we all have a role to play.

As a mum to 3 girls I teach them to not be doormats
Dads should be role modelling to their sons that men take responsibility around the house.
And yes, parents of boys should teach them they need to do their fair share.

Every relationship I've been in the man has done very little and all had mums who did everything for them. Very frustrating!

StillNotWarm · 27/10/2022 12:32

Nope. Not Mums of boys.
Some parents treat some kids like this.
Some don't.

Personally, on the last day of term, I left the kids with instructions that the kitchen needed to be clean, including floor, and packing done before I got back from work.
Guess what, my 12 and 13 year olds could manage it. Both boys incase it matters (hint - it doesn't)

ZeroFuchsGiven · 27/10/2022 12:33

why the fuck is it only up to Mums?

Motnight · 27/10/2022 12:34

ZeroFuchsGiven · 27/10/2022 12:33

why the fuck is it only up to Mums?

Because women are to blame for everything, of course.

BeanieTeen · 27/10/2022 12:36

I’m not sure how much there is too this - when I was younger I had a few friends (girls) who were just the same as that boy. I’d go round there house, offer to help clear the table or whatever if I was staying for tea - just minor stuff, especially compared to what my mum would expect from me at home! - and they would look at me like I had two heads!

illbeinthegarden · 27/10/2022 12:36

As a mum to three boys it's always so helpful and refreshing to get parenting advice 🙄

Original poster
iamjustwinginglife · 27/10/2022 12:37

Well as long as all the parents of all the children are getting them to pull their weight then that's super!

However this boy specifically said "mum likes looking after me, she says it's her job as a mum to make sure she looks after me and gives me everything I want."..no he wasn't joking

...let's not forget that I opened by saying that there will be numerous people who don't fit what I then went on to post. If we only posted things that everyone was a 100% fit with then Mumsnet would be very quiet!

I don't need to qualify any of the other stuff some of you are leaping on - of course there are many exceptions that you can all quote however the ones of you who post and comment about how your DP/DH doesn't help around the house, won't do an equal share of jobs is this just because that's how they are, what they've turned into or how they were brought up. Those of you with super helpful husbands-well done!

OP posts:
FlibbertyGiblets · 27/10/2022 12:38

hahaha.

You scoff at that Mum so-say giving the lad all he wants and looks after him whilst driving your kid and co around at all times of the night? How are you not applying your standard to yourself? You get a pass because you're 'on leave anyway' and 'it would cost them a fortune' to get a taxi. Confused

HousePlantNeglect · 27/10/2022 12:40

Historically I’d say this is true but I don’t think it’s as bad now. I’d say Dad’s leading by example is just as important and Mum’s having equal expectations of boys and girls.

The most frequent issue I see is Dad’s shirking their responsibilities around the house and in child rearing, leaving all the shit for Mum to deal with. Then this is the expectations both boys and girls have of a couple…..and on it goes.

Original poster
iamjustwinginglife · 27/10/2022 12:41

FlibbertyGiblets · 27/10/2022 12:38

hahaha.

You scoff at that Mum so-say giving the lad all he wants and looks after him whilst driving your kid and co around at all times of the night? How are you not applying your standard to yourself? You get a pass because you're 'on leave anyway' and 'it would cost them a fortune' to get a taxi. Confused

I don't think getting them all home safely until they've passed their driving tests is that big of a deal.

OP posts:
Thereisnolight · 27/10/2022 12:43

OP, don’t you know that if you ever try to start a conversation about women - on a site for women (the clue is in the title) - it won’t matter what the topic or subject is, posters will pop up to say “But what about the men?”

”Do men do this? Because if they don’t, why should we?”
”If men do it, we’ll think about it”
”What do men do in this situation?”
”I’m only doing it if a man does it.”

So tiresome. So needy. So obsessed with wondering about men, copying men, never having their own way of thinking about or doing something.

Loics · 27/10/2022 12:43

So one boy made a statement and that's led you to put the onus on mums? Not a leap at all, OP, not one bit. So I take it DP gets to share in the glory if our boys grow up to be decent young men, but if not I assume I should shoulder the blame solo, as their mum.

PinkButtercups · 27/10/2022 12:44

Ah yes it's the mums raising the slobby teenagers that turn into even slobbier men.

Bless you.